On the topic of money

Since you cannot access NYT articles for very long, it is in in full.
The Case Against Joint Checking
By ELLYN SPRAGINS


F my children ever turn to me for marriage advice, I won't tell them that humor matters more than passion, or that true love conquers unemployment and infidelity. I will tell them to ban joint checking accounts from their married lives.

What? Put asunder what our marriage vows and the American banking industry have brought together?

Yes, because I have concluded that joint accounts lead to a common, but often undetected problem in marriages: the secret money stash. Think cookie jars and underwear drawers, not Swiss bank accounts and lockboxes filled with gold bullion. Think of women, and men, quietly diverting grocery money, a health insurance reimbursement check or part of a bonus to a private stockpile that their mates know nothing about.

Such stealth wouldn't be necessary with separate accounts, because men and women would not feel that every nickel they spent was subject to scrutiny and criticism.

Like public companies, good spouses are supposed to keep their finances open. 'In marriages, money often becomes an instrument to work through the emotional piece of what's wrong in a relationship,' said Lili A. Vasileff, a divorce financial planner in Connecticut, with offices in Woodbridge and Greenwich.

Ellyn Bader, a therapist in Menlo Park, Calif., who studied spousal deception in her book 'Tell Me No Lies: How to Face the Truth and Build a Loving Marriage' (St. Martin's Press, 2000), said secret stashes are common among couples headed for divorce. 'The more hostility there is in a marriage, the more entitled a person feels about coming out of the marriage with cash — and the more likely they'll start hiding money,' she said.

Clearly, revenge-driven cash stashers flunk the good-marriage test. But what about minor offenders? How bad is your marriage if you pocket, say, a $140 insurance company check or keep a roll of $20's entombed in a Baggie and stuffed into the corner of the freezer? Are these marriages also doomed to fail?

Apparently not. Many men and women occasionally or even habitually divert marital cash to a private cookie jar. Of those I spoke to, most have been married 20 years or more. It wasn't a surprise when I came across a 73-year-old woman who lives near Boston and collects income from a separate investment account that her husband of nearly 50 years doesn't know about. She was raised in a time when women rarely earned their own income. 'I believe a smart woman doesn't give away all her secrets,' she said.

It was surprising, though, how common secret caches still seem to be. One 53-year-old woman who lives in Northern California and has been married for 25 years has been keeping a stash of money in her underwear drawer since she stopped working 20 years ago to become a homemaker. By skimming a little bit at a time from household funds, she sometimes has as much as $5,000 nestled in her lingerie.

'You sort of lose that financial independence when you don't have a paycheck,' she said. 'I wasn't used to having my spending scrutinized.' She said her husband would think that the jewelry she loves to buy with her stash is a waste of money. Sometimes, she pays for part of a necklace out of their joint checking account and the rest from her underwear drawer.

Under the strictest interpretation of the what's-yours-is-mine-and-what's-mine-is-yours doctrine that seems to govern most couples' finances, this is an absolute violation. Secrets, this theory holds, are like hungry worms hollowing out your relationship until only a fragile husk remains.

They also put a spotlight on your glaring deficiencies or most unshakable fears. The California woman says she also thinks of her stash as emergency money in case her husband decides to dump her and take up with a younger woman. Four of her friends, she said, have had that happen in their marriages in recent years.

In our bare-all culture, the routine prescription is to confess everything. Be honest and be healed. But that approach only perpetuates a fiction that no couple can live up to: we agree on everything. Who does? And who really wants to? It's too bad that carving a few dollars out of the grocery money for a personal indulgence, or to soothe a fear, should make you feel like a sneak.

'Not every dollar that comes into the house has to be stamped `ours' and put into the system,' said Steven Carter, author of 'This Is How Love Works: Nine Essential Secrets You Need to Know' (M. Evans, 2001). 'It's nice to have some relief from the we-ness.'

Secret stashes may be a way to carve out your autonomy — until you're found out. An acquaintance who lives in a New York City suburb has discovered her husband's small private stashes several times during nearly 30 years of marriage. As the family bill payer who sometimes had to postpone sending in a utility bill until their separate paychecks refilled their joint account, she felt duped. 'Here I am, feeling short funded and he not only has money we need, he never experiences any anxiety,' she said. Each breach also sets off wider suspicions. 'It makes you wonder if there are other things you can't trust,' she said.

BLAME the tyranny of the joint checking account. It assumes that you'll both be perfectly consistent to financial policies to which you agreed as a couple. Wouldn't it be better to assume that you're both going to be inconsistent, except for the most important household expenses and goals? In other words, shouldn't you have separate checking accounts with, perhaps, one joint account for mutual expenses?

Yes, that suggests that you are (gasp!) two different people with divergent desires. But that realization may do far more for your relationship than overseeing each other's spending.

Thanks for posting the article. I always thought we would have joint accounts for everything but as we got closer to being married, I thought it made more sense to us to keep our separate accounts.

We have a joint savings account (first wedding account - now the house account). I have 2 checking accounts (one in each of my names - until the switch is finalized) that are just for me. He has several checking/savings accounts just for him. We have worked out a system that works well for us. I like having my own accounts and knowing what I have done on my own - my own sense of autonomy (right word?).

thanks Michelle

We only have one joint account for both savings and checking. I have no problem with this = but of course that could be because I manage the money.

We don't really deny ourselves anything - if I want to go to Sephora and blow $50- no problem.. if he wants to see an 80s metal hair band- go for it...

we actually just got around to combining our accounts last month, and I manage the expenses. We've had a joint wedding/house fund for awhile, but it seemed silly not to just combine everything - makes bill paying a lot easier (especially since I'm out of work). And it allows us to see the whole picture of our finances - rather than me knowing whats in my acct and him knowing whats in his. Bonus: we don't have to pay his bank's monthly fees anymore.

But we spend freely - we don't have to answer to each other about whats being spent where. We also have separate credit cards so I don't see dollar for dollar where his money's going or how much he spent on my gift, etc.

We still have investment accounts separately, but those will probably get combined eventually too. No secret stashes yet.

I don't think there's a right and a wrong, only whats right for you.

Lisa..I think you said it best...

whatever works best for you...