QOTD: Divorces

Gary and I were talking last night about this (no, not for us, but in general). I half agree with divorce if that is the last resort and half disagree with it when some couples use it way too easily sometimes. There is a lot of divorce in his family and only 1 in mine (much smaller family).

It makes me think...do you think people are more willing to divorce if they see it so much (and maybe as common) in their family?

Thoughts??

Re: QOTD: Divorces

I don't really know.

I think the opposite could occur - having first hand knowledge about how devatating divorce can be would help younger generations be more aware of the enormous committment being made by marraige.

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I think it depends on the person.

To say that people feel more comfortable getting divorced now b/c its more common is true, but it seems a poor excuse to me. Those people also see plenty of people stay married - why isnt that an example to live by?

I feel like people consider divorce as an option and that is where the problems start. It should not be something that one considers at all (unless there are extinuating circumstances like abuse, betrayal, etc..).

I think people who use divorce as a solution (except those with extinuiating circumstances like abuse, bertrayal, etc..) are just weak. They cant find a way to work out their problems so rather than trying harder (or perhaps just living with faults that you probably knew were there all along) they look to something new. A new life, a new husband,e tc...

Inevitably, the problems they had in marriage #1 will come to haunt them again b/c its very rarely all one persons fault. And people who get divorced tend to blame it all on their former spouse instead of thinking 'i did a lot to contribute to the failure of the marriage too'.

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Inevitably, the problems they had in marriage #1 will come to haunt them again b/c its very rarely all one persons fault. And people who get divorced tend to blame it all on their former spouse instead of thinking 'i did a lot to contribute to the failure of the marriage too'.

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Stef I could not agree more. One of Don's friend's just got divorced and she bashed her husband up and down, about how he didnt want children, he lied to her, etc... but the truth of the matter was, they never discussed these things before entering into the marriage, so I feel it is both their faults. She should of told how she felt.

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It seems to me like nowadys all i'm hearing is people getting divorced and most of them are newlyweds which is even scarier. One of my cousins just got married this year in August and they are already splitsville.

Stef I agree with you that unless the circumstances are extenuating than ok yeah because yeah you have no choice. But to do it as an easy way out is wrong.

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I think in some cases people do give up to quickly on a marriage. I never had any divorce in my family until I was the one getting divorced. My parents had an amazing marriage that lasted 30 plus years until my mom passed away.

When I was married the first time I did try with everything in me to make it work. I was with him for a long time prior to getting married and I had my little girl to make me want to try harder. BUT...he was the one who decided to cheat and even then I still was willing to keep trying....After many months of a crazy roller coaster ride, I decided that I could not be the only one wanting to make it work and I needed to be without him. He never wanted to try to mend what HE did. We divorced and he married the woman he cheated on me with about 2 years after we were apart. I could go on and on, but the details aren't really that important.... I guess what my point is...is that I will never blame myself for what went on. We had some other issues that affected our relationship, but in my mind, I knew those could be worked out. I chose not to stay after the infidelity. I knew after thinking about it for a long time, if he did it once, he would do it again. It was a very difficult time for me, but in the end, I became a much stronger and confident person.

My ex is very involved in our daughters life and that is all I ever wanted. He is a great father to her. I do get along with him and his wife...it's a wierd situation, but it works for all of us including my DH.

I didn't mean to babble on...sorry. I just wanted to explain my feelings on the subject.

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But in a situation like yours then yes that definitely calls for a divorce...betrayal is pretty bad. The fact that you were still willing to try again after he cheated on you for your daughter's sake makes you a terrific mom in my book...

Re: QOTD: Divorces

Thanks bedda....

Re: QOTD: Divorces

your'e welcome!

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Divorce is always around me, I have seen it, read about it and hope to NEVER experience it.

A lot of people go into marriage with problems, some of them serious and some of them HOPE that things will change. You have people who marry for money, marry b/c they have been together forever, marry b/c they had children prior etc. These are HUGE contributors to divorce and only touches the surface of the topic.

As many of us on this board know, marriage within itself is a very selfless act. You have to face a lot of intimate fears when you are forced to interact with someone that's going to be so close to you. Not everyone understands or can withstand what takes to make it last - especially when you go into it from the beginning with issues, it becomes even more complicated.

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I think its an extremely individual thing.

Some people who come from a divorced family are more dedicated and determined to NOT get divorced.

Others have the opposite reaction, and see it as a 'way out' of a difficult situation.

So I really don't think anyone can say one way or the other...

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I have 2 friends currently divorcing. One is separated, the other just got her divorce. It's weird....neither one was physically abused but both say that they were verbally abused. I guess for them they got married for the wrong reasons (financial, emotional, dont want to be alone etc) and realized that they were not compatible. Now they are much happier and I am happy for them.

While I understand and agree that marriage is a serious institution and I take my own vows seriously....why stay in a relationship when you're not happy especially if you dont have children? Yes, it's can be considered a weak alternative, but a lot of times, people are just not meant to be together.

IMO: Life is just too darn short - why stay miserable? We have the freedom to use divorce.....whereas in the old days, women in particularl were forced to remain in relationships they didnt want to be in. So basically you're supposed to stay in a marriage because you made a mistake by not talking before you got married and figuring out that you want different things out of life- youre supposed to suffer for the rest of your life together?

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They just has an article in Cosmo something along the lines that if the parents are divorced, the kids have a higher chance of getting divorced.

My parents and his parents are divorced. I NEVER want to get divorced. Even if he cheated, i would still work on it. People make mistakes. I know easier said than done, and I have not been in the position, but I want to beat the odds, plus we have a child.

I think today, that people get so caught up in the whole wedding day (every girls dreams of their wedding day) that they lose what the real meaning is. People need to wake up and look past the big party, because eventually, the honeymoon is over. I always hear my friends say 'oh after we're married, he'll stop being......' YOU CANT CHANGE PEOPLE. I don't think marriage changes people too much either. Unfortunately divorce is an easy way out. You hope it does, but you can't change the spots now can you? There WILL be times when dh will piss you off soooooo much that you will say 'I want a divorce' or 'I'm leaving', but the reality is you wont. Its out of anger. It does seem like lots of newlyweds are getting divorced, its unfortunate, but hey maybe they wont be so quick the next time, learn from the mistakes of the first, and get it right the next.

But yes KMCWED: It is totally an individual thing.

We joke about a quote we once heard 'Marriage is Grand, Divorce is 90 Grand'

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Wow, being divorced myself I just had to make a comment. I don't think people jump to divorcing quickly these days because the reality is that divorce costs more than your wedding did!!! It is not something anyone enters into lighty, trust me. After spending two years of my life in divorce court I would recommend anyone planning to get married these days to just go and spend one day in a divorce court.

I think what is going on today is that people enter into marriage too quickly and lightly, not divorce.

And to Sonicstef, I couldn't disagree with you more. I don't think people should only divorce if there are 'extinuating circumstances, like abuse etc.'. Divorcing someone who does not make you happy is not being weak. The strongest people are those that can change their lives for the better. My ex-husband and I were miserable with each other. There was no abuse or betrayl but we just grew apart and wanted completely different things in life. I never once blamed him, in fact I am the one that was not in love with him . And I assure you it took even ounce of stength I had in my body to take my son and leave him. It would have been weak of me to stay and not try to change my situation as many people do. I know so many people that stay in miserable marriages because they do not have the strength to make a change.

As one of the ladies said, 'Life is just to darn short - why waste it being miserable?'

Thank for the opportunity to add my two cents - strepping off my soapbox now

Chris

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The reason why i have an issue with divorce is because there SHOULD be a certain level of honor around the fact that two people stood in front of everyone they knew and promised to spend the rest of their lives together thru think and thin. Period. Not 'i promise as long as its fun' or 'I promise as long as i dont find someone better'.

Did that not mean anything? Is it that they didnt mean it at the tiem or do they not understand what vows are to begin with?

For me, I swore to my husband that no matter how terrible things got - I would be there for him. And i take that very seriously. I would not say those things unless i meant them and i plan on carrying those promises out with every last breath if it is at all possible.

Maybe i take them more seriously than others but i jsut dont see the point of getting married and having the big wedding and doing the whole to-do if you are just together on a trial basis only. (which goes back to my theory on long engagements, living together first, really knowing this person as much as you can know a person before committing to marriage - but that is another thread)

Obviously, if people are both miserable together then i guess it doesnt matter what you vowed to each other - b/c you can both break your vows to each other and i suppose that is okay.

But i find that MOST divorces are very one sided. There is one person who wants to go and the other wants to fight it out and make it work b/c they truly did mean those vows. Thats were my 'weak' theory comes in.

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How interesting, I was just talking about this the other day. A friend of mine got married and seperated in the time it took me to plan my wedding, and will remarry later this year. Essentially, she will be married 2 times in 2 years. No one even really reacted when she seperated from her then-husband. On the other hand, we have another friend who recently called off her engagement, and you would have thought it was the scandal of the century the way some people reacted
We were discussing how there is a 'stigma' attached to breaking off an engagement, but if you go through with it and get married, then divorced, thats more accepted, at least in my circle of friends. Either way, I felt horrible for both of them, it was a horrible thing they had to go through.

DH and I are both from long marriages, my parents are at 33 yrs and ILs are over 40. I dont know if that really makes a huge difference, I know that I believe in marriage and fully intend to be with my hubby for a lifetime. I do think you need to work on a relationship, something I saw my parents do many times, and my ILs have done as well. They lost a young child years ago, and helped each other through it. I hope DH and I can learn from their example of working through the worst times you can go through together.

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there are no divorces in either of our families...so I think both of us see it as not an option....we also have a rule that we cannot use the word to joke around with...otherwise the word could become common and not as shocking as it should be...


my friends parents have been married 4 (mom) and 3(dad) times!!! she definitely has a different idea of marriage than I do (shes not btw)

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I can understand the 'weaker' argument for people that are 'serial divorcees'...meaning, those that use it as a way out of marriage OFTEN...multiple divorces in a lifetime, etc.

But, I definitely do not find 'weak' the person who walks away, but was miserable in a marriage for years and years - trying to make it work and still could not find happiness.

I think bearing witness to a divorce in your family is very, very difficult at ANY age, and effects everyone differently. For me, I know that the mere mention of the word would devastate me - my parents' divorce spawned an unhealthy fear of divorce. On the other hand, my brother probably wouldn't blink an eye over divorce...however, my parents' split caused him a overwhelming fear of commitment. So, which is worse?

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Very valid points that you all have. I didn't experience divorce in my family until it happened to my brother and then BOOM all of a sudden, it became real. It is very common in Gary's family and I thought nothing of it. But once it got to 'our side' I thought this could happen to anyone. Gary was saying to me his vows he meant but those were just words, his marriage to me means so much more than JUST those vows. The wedding is one day, the marriage is a lifetime...all something we all know too well.

Very interesting point Claud...guess that is an individual thing with your family. I have a friend that has a huge fear of commitment being that he went through divorce in his family, so much that he can't get to the point of marriage...it has such devastating effects on anyone who experiences it I think...

Re: QOTD: Divorces

I have witnessed many divorces in my family, among co-workers etc...I will say that my parents divorce for the first 15 years was worse then their marriage ever was. The divorce was just plain ugly. It caused a lot of problems because they both tried to deal with their pain over a failed marriage and forgot they had 3 children to care for but I digress.


I feel that marriage is a commitment. It is not a trial or something you do to try and save your relationship. Often couples know in their hearts that it is the wrong thing to do yet they fear their age, change, giving up their best friend etc... I was engaged before many years ago and it took all of our courage to call off the engagement and move on with our lives. We loved each other but were no longer in love. It would have been easier to just get married in many ways. But we decided we wanted more, we needed more, we deserved more. There were people who thought we should try the marriage thing and see....how sad to even say that to someone.

I do think that people very often get divorced without even trying to make their marriage work. I do believe that their are circumstances that divorce should happen such as abuse, cheating, stealing money. But I also think most couples do not truly work on their marriage before seeing a lawyer. I think you need to exhust every other avenue before signing those papers.