Re: QOTD: Divorces

Between my husband and I there are a lot of divorces and remarriages. My DH's mom has been married 3 times, luckily this one has lasted. His dad has been married twice and is engaged to his third. My parents are divorced and dad remarried. All of my uncles are on their second marriage.

It's crazy and of course we felt like maybe we were cursed. BUT -- divorce is not an option for us. I wouldn't even think about it. I vow to work through our problems. Get counseling if it's needed. I agree that I see so many young, newlyweds getting divorced. I don't know why. Maybe it is seen as so easy to do so people enter into marriage thinking that if it doesn't work out -- oh well, we can just get divorced. I don't know.

And of course i agree that there are circumstances in which divorce is the best solution, or the only solution. But in general I think that marriage should be worked at.

I hope none of us has to experience divorce and that we can work through our issues.

Re: QOTD: Divorces

Both my DH and I come from 'divorced' families- my Mom and Dad divorced and both remarried. His parents are separated (live in different states) but I don't think ever bothered to divorce.. which is weird to me.. but that's for the 'I have really odd inlaws thread'...

I don't know how I feel about Divorce. I guess maybe I don't see it as a horrible thing because as a child I wasn't really negatively affected by my parents divorce. Thankfully my parents were MATURE about their divorce- they didn't pull me in the middle of it, wage it out in family court, etc. I think my Dad would've liked my Mom to stay (she was the one that left) BUT he wasn't going to drag me though the process to get at her...

I think as much as we can say 'we wont get divorced because we've taken vows and we mean them' we really don't know. Only 'time' knows.

I also don't really ever think about divorce because it just has NOTHING to do with my life here and now and the relationship with my DH here and now. We do the best we can so that it never comes to that- but that's the best any of us can do... and statistically for some of us, it will work, and for some of us, it won't.

Re: QOTD: Divorces

I actually have some first hand experience with this as many of us do.

My parents only divorced last year....but should have about 20 years ago. They did what they thought was best and 'stayed together for the kids'. Well let me tell you one thing....it was the worst thing they ever could have done for us....

It was MISERY growing up with parents who were always fighting and slamming doors and threatening to leave....
You think as a parent, I guess b/c i don't know, that you are 'fighting quietly' or 'behing closed doors', but your kids hear and see everything.

I know now that my father was going through a battle with horrific depression b/c of it (and many other factors) and they should have parted ways AGES AGO.

Look, no one gets married with the possibility of divorce in mind (at least I don't think they do) but some times it becomes reality. And I feel it is better to deal with it, then to stay together and be miserable.

JMO stemming from my life experiences.

Re: QOTD: Divorces

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Posted by Sage10.03

I actually have some first hand experience with this as many of us do.

My parents only divorced last year....but should have about 20 years ago. They did what they thought was best and 'stayed together for the kids'. Well let me tell you one thing....it was the worst thing they ever could have done for us....

It was MISERY growing up with parents who were always fighting and slamming doors and threatening to leave....
You think as a parent, I guess b/c i don't know, that you are 'fighting quietly' or 'behing closed doors', but your kids hear and see everything.

I know now that my father was going through a battle with horrific depression b/c of it (and many other factors) and they should have parted ways AGES AGO.

Look, no one gets married with the possibility of divorce in mind (at least I don't think they do) but some times it becomes reality. And I feel it is better to deal with it, then to stay together and be miserable.

JMO stemming from my life experiences.

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Jessica . I can't tell you how similar our experience has been, and how much I know the pain and misery you must have witnessed. My parents should have also divorced MANY years before they finally did, but my Mom chose to stay for 26 years 'for us.' I always get dreadfully sad when she says that b/c she lost so many years being unhappy. Life is too short!

Re: QOTD: Divorces

Claud ... It was no fun growing up in that kind of hostility, right??? I actually have a lot of guilt about the fact that my Mom gave up a chance at happiness for us. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that hers was the concious decision of an adult and that I can not take responsibility for it.
But I can't help feeling sad that at this stage of her life, she is alone and spent so many years unhappy. Think of how much time she wasted....
I want her to have a chance to be happy again and tell her to get out and date and meet people. But she just says that her kids and grandkids (I have a nephew) make her happy and she doesn't need anything else...SO SAD!

As I said in my last post....no one wants to think about divorce when they are newly married...but if ever there is a time in my life, where I think things are bad enough that resolution is not an option. I will not make the same mistake my Mom did.

Re: QOTD: Divorces

Claud and Sage...I'm with you both.

My mom stayed with my father 'for my sister and I' and I saw many things that have scarred me to this day. My dad passed away 13 years ago, which (I know this is going to sound TERRIBLE) was the best thing for my family. Not that I don't miss him, but I don't miss the things I had to see, and being the way he was, it never would have stopped.


As for the girls who said they would never divorce, of course it's not in the plan, but you never know what you'd do until your faced with that certain situation.

I am divorced and although it was very difficult, it's the best thing I could have done for my son.

Re: QOTD: Divorces

It is so easy to say I'll never get divorced we can work through anything UNTIL you are put in that situation. For me the verbal abuse and the cheating were too much for me to handle. I thought long and hard about my decision, and once I made it did not look back. I was not going to stay just because we had a child together.

The'sperm donor' is now on wife # 4, hopefully he will get it right someday

Re: QOTD: Divorces

My parents divorced when I was 4(well actually the marriage was annulled because my father forgot to divorce his first wife before marrying my mom ) and my mom remarried an abusive alcoholic. Because there were 5 kids in my family my mom stayed long past the time that she should have left both for her safety and sanity and ours as well.

So when I got married I swore I would do it right. I would marry the right person and never ever get a divorce. I have since learned to never say never! Not only that but since I was so determined not to be a statistic I too stayed far longer than I should have, which hurt both my children and me. I was married for 18 years and tolerated infidelity, emotional abuse, and extreme mental anguish. My ex was a pathological liar who had no second thoughts when it came to emabrassing me in front of family and friends. He decided to stop working during the last several years that we were together while I tried, in vain, to save our home, car and credit rating.

In the end I had two choices. I could either stay and suffocate or I could leave and start over. Obviously I opted to leave. I was married for 18 years and have no recognized that I should have left after about 12. I did no one any good by staying.

I don't agree with jumping to divorce just because there are some problems, but you also cannot stay in a bad marriage simply because you don't want to break your vows. Sometimes they are already broken by the other person. I think that let's you out of yours.

Re: QOTD: Divorces

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Posted by Wendy

but you also cannot stay in a bad marriage simply because you don't want to break your vows. Sometimes they are already broken by the other person. I think that let's you out of yours.

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Sometimes they are already broken by the other person

Very well put!

Re: QOTD: Divorces

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Sometimes they are already broken by the other person

Very well put!

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This is very sad, but I completely agree!

Re: QOTD: Divorces

Sage and Claud and the other ladies that endured their parents staying miserable instead of divorcing big, big hugs to you

When I was contemplating my divorce I was torn as to stay because for my son's sake. I did not want him to be from a 'broken home', but my very loving and wonderful uncle said something very wise to me that I will also remember

'It's better to come from a broken home than live in one.'

Re: QOTD: Divorces

Like everything else in life, divorce is not a bad thing it's how people use it that makes it bad.

Divorce can be a good thing when a marriage is unhealthy and causes more pain than it's worth. It's easy for a lot us to say that it's not an option, but like many others said, you never know when you'll be in a situation that calls for it! We are all constantly evolving and what applies today may not apply 5 years from now!

I agree that some people don't try hard enough and at the first sign of problems they are in divorce court. However, I don't judge because everyone's tolerance level is different.

According to the statistic of divorce, it's clear that a lot of people have NO CLUE what it takes to make a marriage work - some people just go into it for all the wrong reasons.

Re: QOTD: Divorces

I am a child of divorce and although my situation wasn't too bad, I vowed that I wouldn't put my children through a divorce. However, if there is any abuse, I'm definitely out. Divorce is so painful and seeing it with my parents, I don't want to go through the pain. My inlaws have a great marriage so we looked towards them for inspiration.

Re: QOTD: Divorces

I don't think it has anything to do with what they see in their family but more to do with how much they can handle in a relationship. Some people are much stronger and can tolerate much more for much longer. Other peopl may see divorce as the only way to happiness. I say, what might be wrong for some, is right for others so who's to judge?