QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Dh and I were discussing this topic this morning.

His cousin, whom I adore has been seeing this woman for the past 2 1/2 years. They have a baby together and are headed towards marriage.

NO ONE likes her.She is SO antisocial. Ever since DH's cousin got involved with her, he has totally distanced himself from the family. He lives really close (5 minutes away)and we never see him.
At least once a week he would stop by the inlaws place. Now we hardly ever see him. He even christened his baby without telling us. This is just one of the odd things he has done since being with her.

This woman is not AT ALL close to her family, so her perspective on the amount of interaction with family is warped.

Honestly could you be with someone who thinks like this.

I know I couldnot- family is too important to me.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

As someone who is not very close to my family - I feel like I have to speak on that side of things.

Keep in mind that not everyone grows up with a supportive and loving family. Distancing yourself from family is sometimes the healthy decision for certain people. So I think its unfair to judge her in a derogatory way without knowing her situation.

As far as the cousin, he is a big boy. He is making those choices, not his girlfriend. Maybe he is using her as the excuse why he doesnt spend as much time with teh family when its really him that doesnt wantto be there.

Or maybe b/c they both feel the vibes that no one likes her, they dont spend as much time there anymore. I know I would not subject my husband to be around people who did not like him and I would hope my husband would do the same.

TO answer your question, I think being close to your family is a wonderful thing when they are supportive and loving but most people dont have that. I would not make a judgement on a person based on their relationship with their family - its their relationship with me that I care about.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

I feel closer to my IL's most of the time so I don't know if this helps. I have always been close to my dad but I know that my mom doesn't like me. She's my mom so she loves me but she doesn't like me and never has. I would prefer to be around my IL's any day of the week rather than be uncomfortable and judged around my own family. My father is the only one who truly cares about me and my husband and children. He is always there so I guess I am lucky to have him.

My husband is very close to his family and I've been accepted as one them.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Stef you make some valid points,- allow me to elaborate more.

Our cousin came from another country and lived with dh's parents while he got himself together found a job bought a house etc.. They were very supportive of him and he had a great relationship with them. There was never any ill feelings between him and the family. After he moved out he used to visit ALL THE TIME!!

As soon as he got involved with this woman the visits eventually stopped. She used to come with him and sit in the car outside while he visited. She NEVER made an attempt to get to know the family. We have reached out to her so much, but we have stopped.

It is one thing if you are not close to YOUR OWN family, but don't stop your mate from visiting HIS family.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

I guess I dont see how you can blame your cousin not seeing his family on her. He is a grown man and can make his own decisions. If you stopped visiting your family, do you think the excuse of 'my husband doesnt want to come' would be accepted? He can still visit all the time if he wants.

I can understand the desire to blame other people - especially when it comes to sensitive subject like this. But this woman probably has other issues you have no idea about that make her feel uncomfortable and that is her business. If you want to blame someone, it lies all with the cousin, not the girlfriend.

At least thats my opinion on the issue.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Ok I see your point.

I guess I should not blame her outright, but I will say that she has had SOME influence on him and his behavior, but you are right it was HE that made the decision.

Good point.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

I think I can speak on this, Roger is very close to his family and I am very close to my family and his family never gave me the warmest of receptions, he did not stop going around them, he asked on many occasion for me to accompany him, but I refused b/c I was so uncomfortable. It did not stop him. Things have gotten much better, b/c I have chosen to make my hubby happy so I make the effort to go with him, b/c it makes him so happy. Him leaving me at home was not making him happy at all. Hey I am hosting Christmas dinner...LOL

I think the cousin does not come either b/c he does not want to hear all the questions about where his SO is?? So instead of deal he chooses not to come around. I don't know what is going on with the GF but she seem to need deal with her own stuff. At least give you all a chance.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Sonicstef, ----------x------------- you took the words right out of my mouth.

I am one of those who are not really close with my family, but I do have other relatives that I'm close with. Also, there has been some issues with my inlaws in the last couple of years, but things have died down considerably b/c my hubby confronted his family about how they treat me earlier this year. Oftentimes, I'm the one they blame when my hubby does not see them as much. However, I can honestly say, I have no input what-so-ever on how much he sees them! I would NEVER ever tell him not to see them b/c that would not be fair and I wouldn't want to alienate him from his family.

At some point we all have to stop pointing fingers and ASSUMING what we think is the situation, and actually go to the source. There is a reason that they have both distanced themselves from the family. If the family really wants to know why he is not coming over as much, then they should ask him and not blame her.

Also, Sonicstef was so right in saying that he's a grown man and can make his own decisions, maybe he just felt like it was time that he individuated himself from his family and live his life. Sometimes family can be overbearing and they manipulative. Just b/c they don't like her, doesn't mean he should follow suit. That's not being very supportive. He obviously loves this woman if everyone really cared about him, they'd care about what he wants.

One more thing, do I think a marriage like that can work - SURE it can! It's all about what the two people involved wants and if they work together as a team anything can work.
This was a great question!

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

First I would like to say I 100% agree with Stef's post. I couldnt of said it better. The cousin is a grown man and is making a decision to do what he wants. If his decision comes from a result of what his girlfriend feels then I would say he is on the right track because he is putting her first.

I have always felt VERY uncomfortable around my DH's cousins. All of the female cousins (there are alot of them) have never made me feel comfortable. In fact, have gone out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable. After not accompanying him on many occasions because I literally would be sick to my stomach in the bathroom when I had to attend something, we had a HUGE problem with one of his cousins at our wedding. Now we BOTH dont attend any functions with his relatives other than if it is just his mom, sister and brother. I had so many problems with his mom and sister during my planning, but after the wedding decided to give my all and try to make it easier for him with his immediate family and they have done a complete turnaround since our wedding. As for his cousins, we do not attend. That is a decision we both made after our wedding.

Have you ever thought to reach out to this girl and try to get to know her personally? She may feel like an outcast. Coming from someone who knows how that feels, nobody wants to attend occasions feeling like that.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

'A daughter is a daughter for her own life, a son is a son until he takes a wife....'

If the whole family doesn't like her I can see why she would be antisocial. My husband had an aunt who didn't like me for no other reason then I was from Long Island so she started things within the family about me before I got the chance to meet them, then when I did meet them (I have a small family) they have a large family they were very intimidating which made me antisocial. So, I can understand this women, sometimes families that are different then what you are used too can be scary and if you add in that they don't like you... ugh!

Maybe everyone should cut your cousin some slack since he is a grownup with a child. I think their marriage can work. He seems to just be taking care of his family meaning his household and that is what his real priority should be since the day of his wedding

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

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Posted by Cindy


I have always felt VERY uncomfortable around my DH's cousins. All of the female cousins (there are alot of them) have never made me feel comfortable. In fact, have gone out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable. After not accompanying him on many occasions because I literally would be sick to my stomach in the bathroom when I had to attend something, we had a HUGE problem with one of his cousins at our wedding. Now we BOTH dont attend any functions with his relatives other than if it is just his mom, sister and brother. I had so many problems with his mom and sister during my planning, but after the wedding decided to give my all and try to make it easier for him with his immediate family and they have done a complete turnaround since our wedding. As for his cousins, we do not attend. That is a decision we both made after our wedding.

Have you ever thought to reach out to this girl and try to get to know her personally? She may feel like an outcast. Coming from someone who knows how that feels, nobody wants to attend occasions feeling like that.

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Cindy you and I are in the same boat. Kysha I do agree, try to reach out to her and see where her head is at.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

I have tried to reach out to her, I said that in an earlier post. I am such a friendly person. Trying to talk to her is like pulling teeth. She does not respond. She is not a nice person.


The family has never given her a reason to dislike them. Everyone was so nice to her at first, then as I said she would sit in the car while he would visit with the family, Making herself unapproachable.

I guess the question I should have asked is would you stop your mate from being close to his family if you were not close to yours and did not see the point?

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

anytime people start dating there is going to less family visits...you do other things together....


but to answer the original question...DH is very close to his family...he would take a bullet for any of them...but I am not as close to my family (its a fake closeness that is just for appearances) and we have a great relation...

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Also, I did confront the cousin back in July before my wedding to ask him why we never see him.

This guy and I use to have a really close friendship, now he hardly ever calls.

I told him that his girlfriend is very antisocial, does not make an effort to be friendly, yada yada, and what does he say- 'I know , I know that is how she is, nothing I can do about it'

I also asked him why he never visits, when he lives 5 MINUTES away. He goes oh I am so busy with the baby. He knows we feel this way and has admitted that his woman is not the best of person's to be around, but whatever.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Shamma - As much as I am glad someone understands, being through a similar problem, sorry you had to deal with that too.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

nvrbrd, I guess all you can do at this point is leave it alone and allow the situation to play itself out. I can understand how you feel especially since you are close to your cousin. However, it seems that he's making her and their baby a priority right now. Maybe once they are engaged and getting married maybe she will come around, I only hope it's not too late.

My BIL's wife was distant like that before they were married. I did everything I could to accommodate her, but she wouldn't talk to me. AFTER she got engaged, suddenly she wanted all this help and support, but I didn't move a finger for anything. Now we are civil to each other, but that's it. It's a shame, but family and people are like that, in time it will all work itself out. Make the most out of your visits with your cousin whenever you see him.

Good luck!

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

I agree with alot of you out here. I think that it is your cousin to blame and not the girlfriend. Yes, she is a factor in him not coming over, but you cant stop someone from not spending time with their family. She may not be close to her own family, may have had issues dealing with being close in the past, but if she truly loves him, she would make the effort of atleast getting out of the car and going inside with him.
THe cousin has lived with your DH's family, they have supported him, and he should not forget that. Noone can influence someone to do something they dont want to do, that is for kids only. If he stops coming by, and stuff like that, then he is the one who is ungrateful. No matter what the girlfriend says or doesnt say, he should be a grownup and remember the family who supported him before he met her.
Some people are antisocial, and they want their spouses/friends to be like them too. Perhaps she was envious of his relationship with the family, and tries not include herself in. There might be other issues that you may not be aware of. However, it all comes down to the cousin not realizing that he should not forget where he came from, and the people who have helped him to get where he is. If he does, then he is to blame.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Im going to address the anti social comments:

I do not like my husbands family. Have they ever done anything terribly mean to me? No. Are they bad people? Nope. I just dont like them. Its not that I dislike them either...i just dont have anything in common with them, I think they can be crass at times and are generally just weird in my opinion. And of course b/c its his family, I feel like I have to put on the cutesy we-are-all-family face when they are around which practically ensures I will have a miserable time with them. So I avoid spending much time with them when I can. Now does that mean I am antisocial? I really dont think so. I really think that some people just dont get along with other people for a variety of reasons. Its not a crime to NOT love a bunch of strangers just because they happen to be related to someone you do love. And trust me when I say, that for the family members I do love and am close with, nothing my husband does or says could make me distance myself from them.


I always hoped I would marry into a family that I could assimilate into b/c my family is so not the norm. But that just didnt happen in my case.

So whatever reason she has or your family has for not liking her - I would just let it go. Make the most of your time when your cousin does visit (i really dont think confronting him about how his girlfriend is antisocial is going to make him feel like coming over more). Its their relationship and its up to them to decide what to do with their time.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Thanks ladies, I am so letting it go.

Just wanted to share with you guys and get some opinions.

Stef, I told him how I felt about his girlfriend because he and I are (were) really good friends, and friends are honest with each other. I do not believe in being phony with people I care about, so if he decides not to visit because of that, oh well at least I got it off my chest.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Also, Stef you at least made the effort to get to know DH'S family and when you did made your decision, this women did not even do that.

Right off the bat she decided to have nothing to do with us. Now I call that antisocial.