Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Stef I so agree with you...

DH has a very loud family and I was so quiet compared to them (ask my family...they say I'm the loud one)

right away DH's aunt knew I was just quiet...and said...Erica you will get used to our loudness one day...

but his SIL took my quietness as rude...and even told my MIL that!!! (good thing my MIL knows better) - and to be honest...i don't think I will ever really feel 100% comfortable with my SIL now that she called me rude...so be careful what you say to your cousin

its all perspective...

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

I am close to my family, but in general, I'm a private person. If given the choice between spending a quiet evening with my DH, or spending it with his family, I'd go for the quiet evening every time!! I'm simply more comfortable with my own family. I'm sure that's true for a lot of us.

I would like to spend my first Christmas morning alone with my DH, so we can have some special moments together. Especially since we have missed the first five months of our marriage already by living apart. But my DH's father is coming to visit and might stay with us. It's not that I dislike his father, but I TRULY want to be alone with my DH. I told my DH how I feel about it, and he understands.

Im sure that my desire to be alone with my DH can be interpreted that I'm nasty, selfish, and want to keep him from his family. But it's just not the case.

A lot of times, there is more to someone, and more to certain situations than meet the eye. Maybe this woman is distant from the family for a valid reason. I agree with the other posts that her husband is a grown man making his own choices. She shouldn't be blamed or punished for that.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

I want to add one more thing, I think that your cousin's girlfriend should have some accountability in the sense that she has to try with his family even if it's a little uncomfortable. If your family has honestly done nothing to her and she stays away, then she's being immature in many ways and antisocial. None of us are an island, and if we decide to marry someone, we have to take all that comes along with that person. You say your family has been very supportive to your cousin and now he's abandoning the family - then there may come a time when he needs them and no one is around. It's all a learning process. We have to know when to try and when to let go and let God! I feel bad for you b/c it sounds like you had a great relationship with your cousin, I can only hope he will evaluate the situation carefully in the future and incorporate his family in his life.

Even when my inlaws were being mean and pissed me off, I still tried for my hubby b/c that's his family and he loves them and I support him, just like he supports me.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

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Posted by TrayLu47

I want to add one more thing, I think that your cousin's girlfriend should have some accountability in the sense that she has to try with his family even if it's a little uncomfortable. If your family has honestly done nothing to her and she stays away, then she's being immature in many ways and antisocial. None of us are an island, and if we decide to marry someone, we have to take all that comes along with that person. You say your family has been very supportive to your cousin and now he's abandoning the family - then there may come a time when he needs them and no one is around. It's all a learning process. We have to know when to try and when to let go and let God! I feel bad for you b/c it sounds like you had a great relationship with your cousin, I can only hope he will evaluate the situation carefully in the future and incorporate his family in his life.

Thanks Tray- this is exactly it.

She NEVER tried.
Even when my inlaws were being mean and pissed me off, I still tried for my hubby b/c that's his family and he loves them and I support him, just like he supports me.

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Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

I dont remember who said this but in another thread there was talk of how society coddles men and are so much harder on women - this is a perfect example.

If your female cousin suddenly stopped visiting, I think everyone would be agree that she was the bad one. No one would even think of allowing her to get away with the 'my husband doesnt want to come' excuse.

Yes, you do marry the family too...to a certain extent. But that is a problem between the husband and wife. The obligation tothe family is only owed by the guy who is actually related. I mean, this women is not even married to him.

Women are so hard on each other..very judgmental and completely unwilling to give hte benefit of the doubt. But when it comes to men, there is so much more leeway.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

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Posted by shamma

I think I can speak on this, Roger is very close to his family and I am very close to my family and his family never gave me the warmest of receptions, he did not stop going around them, he asked on many occasion for me to accompany him, but I refused b/c I was so uncomfortable. It did not stop him. Things have gotten much better, b/c I have chosen to make my hubby happy so I make the effort to go with him, b/c it makes him so happy. Him leaving me at home was not making him happy at all. Hey I am hosting Christmas dinner...LOL

I think the cousin does not come either b/c he does not want to hear all the questions about where his SO is?? So instead of deal he chooses not to come around. I don't know what is going on with the GF but she seem to need deal with her own stuff. At least give you all a chance.

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How could anyone not give you the warmest of receptions

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

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Posted by Sonicstef

I dont remember who said this but in another thread there was talk of how society coddles men and are so much harder on women - this is a perfect example.

If your female cousin suddenly stopped visiting, I think everyone would be agree that she was the bad one. No one would even think of allowing her to get away with the 'my husband doesnt want to come' excuse.

Yes, you do marry the family too...to a certain extent. But that is a problem between the husband and wife. The obligation tothe family is only owed by the guy who is actually related. I mean, this women is not even married to him.

Women are so hard on each other..very judgmental and completely unwilling to give hte benefit of the doubt. But when it comes to men, there is so much more leeway.

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Can the church say amen. I do not believe that you marry the family There is a thing call leave and cleave and I do believe in that. Your relationship with your husband or wife should be your first priority, not to say dump your family.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Stef you are right about the coddling of men thing, and how we as women are so hard on each other.

Ok I will say this is really NOT an example of that.


When my DH's cousin first started going out with this girl I was really excited for him. I was really nice to her. DH and I had a bbq at his parents house and invited them, I tried to be friendly and nice and what did she do complain that she was cold and sat in the car. Hello it was 80 degrees. She has not extended herself in any way shape or form to be somewhat cordial to us.

We had another GTG and what did she do totally distance herself from people, not just our family, but friends that tried to include her in things. It is VERY awkward with her. All I am saying is that I have seen a change in cousin for the worst since being with her, like some of her personality has worn off on her.

I am NOT a mean person at all, I try with people, but she did not.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Stacey its called judging someone before you get to know them Oh well. You all know me and love me and this is only thru the internet If only they knew what they were missing out on All of this

PS Cindy, thanks

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

I won't say much since I'm sneaking from work, LOL but I can go on and on

I am SUPER close to my family - no man or otherwise will be able to prevent me from being with them. In fact, if my spouse was anti-family, he wouldn't be my spouse.

With that said, I think your cousin is a grown man. He should not let his anti social mate define his actions.

Shamma, you talked about your situation, which I know you handle so well, you are quite the woman
but I bring you up to say no matter what, you never stopped Roger from seeing his family. That is how this woman should be, supportive as you were while standing your own ground. Even if she chose not to go with for whatever reason, the cousin has a mind of his own.

So with that said, I say do not blame the woman. Your cousin is a big boy, LOL

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Great question. I think as long as each person respects the other person's feelings, the marriage should be fine. The person who is close to their family shold not be expected to see his or her family less often. By the same token, you should respect the feelings of the person who does not like the big family get together. I am closer to my family than DH is to his but for us it has been fine. Fortunately he likes my family but I don't expect him to always come with me. I understand your sadness about seeing your cousin less often but I agree with the others who have said that he is a grown man. He could come over if he chose to.
We have a similar situation in my family with my brother and FSIL. I won't go into it too much since she lurks on the boards but she is also kind of anti-social. She is a very nice person but she is very quiet and doesn't extend herself much. My family is pretty out-going and loud, I am the quietest of the bunch. I know my mother feels that she doesn't like us and is hurt by it. I have started talking to her much more since she's been wedding planning and I can see that its just her personality. I've been really making an effort. I introduced her to this site and basically sent her to every vendor. I've told her just about everything I know about weddings but she still hesitates to ask me and my brother asks me things for her sometimes. I think its just how she is, not how she feels about us. I just wish my mother could see that too.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Does everyone realize that the term 'anti-social' can be interepreted as a major psychological disorder? Maybe Im just being overly sensitive about it, but its not a term for someone who avoids social gatherings with families. Its a major problem. I realize thats not what everyone means but if you call someone antisocial - you are calling them something pretty terrible.

The Diagnostic Criteria is:

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A) There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three (or more) of the following:
failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest
deceitfulness, as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure
impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
reckless disregard for safety of self or others
consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another

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Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

This is not what I meant by her being antisocial, this woman is not a wacko any means, just someone who does not extend herself socially.

Sorry if I offended.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Strong definition, although I think we all know what each other means when we say anti-social

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Shamma - Right back at ya sweetie.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Yea, I know you guys dont mean that. I just figured if you say it to someone else about this girl (or about anyone), someone might get really offended.

Re: QOTD- Do you think a marriage can work if one person is close to their family and the other is not?

Roger has told me that his family thinks that I am anti social when I am around them, I am not offended in the least, b/c I know they mean I am not being sociable. I guess a better term would be unsociable