OK so if this is too personal you don't have to answer...but yesterdays Q of the D got me thinking.
If you and DH have planned not to have children how did you both address that issue? Like did you mention it and he say he totally agreed or did he not know whether he wanted them or not and now that you are married he knows he doesn't want them?
And for those who say I don't want kids but DH does in the future, did you never really make this a big issue in your relationship? Like did DH not care that you don't want kids and think you might change your mind (or visa versa, you want them but DH doesn;t)?
TommysWife08
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
we had the child convo before we were married.... we knew that we both wanted kids, but not right away
after we were married we started talking more about time frame... b/c at that point, we have our house, got a sense of bills and $$ etc and im settlted at my new job.... i guess the next convo is when to start trying (which DH has brought up to me ONCE - but its not happening any time soon)
Kimbalina
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
Back when we started dating Dh said he wanted kids.. I was always straight forward in saying that I did not...
Over time he has said that he does and doesn't, he sways. But 8 times out of 10 he says NO. I think that we would be fine and love a baby if we were in that situation, but it is not for me.
Those few times when he does say 'one day', it does bother me because he knows I don't feel the same. But it has not caused an arguement, just discussions of our intentions.
cbcf
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
Posted by Kimbalina
Back when we started dating Dh said he wanted kids.. I was always straight forward in saying that I did not...
Over time he has said that he does and doesn't, he sways. But 8 times out of 10 he says NO. I think that we would be fine and love a baby if we were in that situation, but it is not for me.
Those few times when he does say 'one day', it does bother me because he knows I don't feel the same. But it has not caused an arguement, just discussions of our intentions.
that is great though Kim that you both can discuss it and be on the same level. I knew a girl that got married and she thought her husband would change his mind about having children. Well after 5 yrs of being married they divorced bec she was ready and he said 'I told you I never wanted them'.
EsquireBride
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
We had this discussion way before we even started to think about getting married, it is too important to not discuss. We decided to not even bring up the topic of when to have kids until we hit our 1-yr anniversary, because we want to enjoy being married without any pressure to have kids or anything. So next year, we will start discussing it more seriously. We both want kids, but we felt it was important to just enjoy being married first!
Kimbalina
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
Posted by cbcf
Posted by Kimbalina
Back when we started dating Dh said he wanted kids.. I was always straight forward in saying that I did not...
Over time he has said that he does and doesn't, he sways. But 8 times out of 10 he says NO. I think that we would be fine and love a baby if we were in that situation, but it is not for me.
Those few times when he does say 'one day', it does bother me because he knows I don't feel the same. But it has not caused an arguement, just discussions of our intentions.
that is great though Kim that you both can discuss it and be on the same level. I knew a girl that got married and she thought her husband would change his mind about having children. Well after 5 yrs of being married they divorced bec she was ready and he said 'I told you I never wanted them'.
That is exactly what happen to my uncle and his first wife. I think that is why I have been so straight forward about my plans.
Like DH and I have discussed we don't know if we will ever change our minds.. but we agreed to always be honest about it. It is such a hard topic!!!
cbcf
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
I want children and I know Dh wants them as well. We have discussed this topic since the beginning of our relationship. I think we might be ready at different times but that is okay in my opinion. I know I will be ready (well right now i think this) in about 3 more years. DH think maybe in 4-5. I know things change etc so we might both be ready in 4 or 3 or 6. We discuss it sometimes but I know we will discuss it more indepth after our 3 yr anniversary.
However, I could never marry a man if he said 'No I don't think I want children'. Or maybe said 'well I could do without them but if it happened I guess it's okay.' I don't know I just would know I would never be able to change someones mind about such a big issue...plus who am I to change what a person wants in life- it isn't fair to them. But that would definitely break or make my relationship with a man- if he said no kids, or he didn't like them or wasn't sure if he wanted them.
Kimbalina
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
Catie I think that you know what it takes to raise a family, because of the size of family that you came from. I think you are right.. it will make or break a relationship if neither person can agree on such a large issue.
bluekat16
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
DH and I had this talk before we even got engaged. We both would love children but if it isn't meant to be we are ok with it just being us.
We will try at some point, hopefully within the year, provided God willing our financial situation becomes better and we're situated in one location. One thing we both def. agreed on is not to go crazy trying. Meaning if it doesn't happen naturally we won't pursue too many fertility treament options if any.
I think the children conversation is a very serious one and one to be had before even becoming engaged. You can't change anyone or hope for them to change their minds. After finances I think children is the next reason people get divorced.
KarinAmanda
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
we spoke about it from the beginning but since we are married and basically settled, we have been talking more about it lately. It is scary. We are probably going to start trying in 6 months and it scares the CRRAP out of me
Mrs.C 102608
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
Posted by TommysWife08
we had the child convo before we were married.... we knew that we both wanted kids, but not right away
after we were married we started talking more about time frame... b/c at that point, we have our house, got a sense of bills and $$ etc and im settlted at my new job.... i guess the next convo is when to start trying (which DH has brought up to me ONCE - but its not happening any time soon)
Same here....we both discussed wanting kids before marriage and after getting married and getting settled in our new house DH has brought up when we might start trying. He knows I am not ready right now but we did discuss when I will go off the pill and let fate takes its course.
Future Mulligan
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
i have another question.....if you found out your DH was infertile before your wedding would you still marry him? its something i always thought about - what if one of us 'can't' have kids....what would it do to our relationship and where would we go from there.....
teenigrrl
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
we both discussed it and knew we wanted kids. i think the timeline is more of where we differed. i really wanted to wait until the house was all done, and so we would have just some married time before the kids come along. but DH really wanted at least one before he turned 40, and we weren't sure how long it would take us to get pregnant, so we started early.
ChristineAaron08
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
We have been talking about it since we were serious and talking about marriage and future, ect. We both know we want kids once we have a house.
We will be talking about a house and then he will say something like 'then babies'.
So we talk about it all the time.
I think it would be different if we werent on the same page.
TrueLoveIn2008
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
This is an interesting question. My DH, when I first met him, DID NOT want kids. He also did NOT want to get married. (Hence it taking him 5 years to propose.) After 3 years of dating or so - maybe 4 - he was like, ok, kids would be nice. Not in a pressured way, either - I just think he didn't realize he wanted them. And now, he wants 'troops' - like SIX! He's nuts and I am not having more than 3 - I really only want 2. I think he will realize once we have a crying newborn, one or two is plenty.
We aren't ready to have kids yet - although I wish we could be because I want one. With me being laid off, us living in a one bedroom apt, and probably moving in a year or less, it probably won't happen for a few years. I was hoping to start trying this time next year - we'll see ...
ETA: if you were around our house when it's just us, you'd think I was already pregnant. We say things all the time like, what about the name Blake? Do you like that? It's hysterical.
Butterfly123
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
Its weird because at this point in my life I feel like I would be completely fine with not having children. DH expresses he wants them but he never can say when he thinks he will be ready. In a few years Ill be in my mid 30's so its not like we have forever to decide. But I dont want it to be pressure on us. having kids is not what people are SUPPOSED to do in my eyes.
Butterfly123
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
Posted by Future Mulligan
i have another question.....if you found out your DH was infertile before your wedding would you still marry him? its something i always thought about - what if one of us 'can't' have kids....what would it do to our relationship and where would we go from there.....
I would have been relieved I think
jonsgirl04
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
Posted by Future Mulligan
i have another question.....if you found out your DH was infertile before your wedding would you still marry him? its something i always thought about - what if one of us 'can't' have kids....what would it do to our relationship and where would we go from there.....
Well if no fertility options were available. We Agreed to Adopt from right here in America if we couldnt have kids.
lizzie217
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
Posted by Future Mulligan
i have another question.....if you found out your DH was infertile before your wedding would you still marry him? its something i always thought about - what if one of us 'can't' have kids....what would it do to our relationship and where would we go from there.....
Wow Nicole that is a tough one! I can imagine the strain that this situation would place on a couple.
Personally I would be devasted to know I was unable to have a child. I am pretty certain DH would be devasted to find he was sterile.
I would support DH 100% and explore our options...whether it be invitro or any one of those procedures or adoption. I would not stop until I had a baby though that is certain!
Wifeynella
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Re: Sort of a Q of the Day!
DH and i spoke about this in the very beginning of our dating relationship. Kids are very important to me so I didn't want to start a relationship and get vested in someone who didn't want the same thing as me. I personally don't understand how people get married without discussing things like this first. Thankfully we both feel the same way. He comes from a big family and I've always wanted one.
