sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

so last night DH and i are out to dinner and having a blast! I actually tossed on a super cute dress from h&m and tights and heels and he looked great....so fun!

so we're towards the end of our meal and we've already had a bottle of wine and then some....

we start talking about buying a house...where/when/how/etc.....and he's like 'i've been thinking...'

'i think my dad (who passed away a month a go) would really want us to have my mom live with us...'

what what what what what what what???

background: Kieran is the YOUNGEST of 5 kids....all of which get emotional and upset but never take action (besides his brother...the oldest. the 3 girls in the middle are essentially useless when it comes to taking any sort of action). i.e. - Kieran gave the eulogy at his father's funeral bc none of the others could step up and help

DH idolized his dad and he truly believes that his father would want him to take care of his mom (who is 68). shes very active and still works...

He was like 'she could play an active role in raising our kids (god please help me) etc etc' (sidenote -- she has 3 grandchildren already and she's said stuff like 'i'm too young to be a grandma' etc)


quite frankly, i don't know if SHE would ever go for this. she is NOT a wamr woman. she's cold to her 5 kids....nevermind to me. in fact, she's been flat out nasty to DH and I - and everyone, except her, acknowledges it. she has also been disrespectful to my parents - and i have ZERO tolerance for that.

so this was my response - 'its important to me to always support you and i think that this sounds like something we really need to talk about and look at from all angles'....something really open ended.

Bottom line - i don't mean to sound dramatic...but for lack of a better word - i actually feel devastated to think of this.

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

since his dad just past I would just try to avoid it at all cost.
i mean your newlyweds maybe you can just move close to her.
im sure she wants her own space.
I could/would NEVER do that. ahh

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

Wow!! It sounds like his mom is still pretty independant - she might not want to come and live with you anyway. Maybe it was just the wine and emotions talking last night. I would wait and see if he brought it up again. Good Luck!!

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

if it were me. i would flat out say no, never.

DH and I have already had the talk, no parents will EVER live with us.

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

honestly sounds like his mom is fine on her own. i could see if she was older and really ddnt wanna be by her self. but i would just wait and see if it comes up again. maybe he was just feeling teh water and wanted to see what you woud say.

i would deff not want that. even tho my MIL is my second mother i still wouldnt wanna live with her.

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

I would also wait for him to bring up this topic again, but I think you gave a great response - because of course you do want to support him, but there would be many details to work through in that kind of a situation. Maybe take some time to think about exactly what your feelings as well, as well as some alternatives to be able to help his mom without having a live-in circumstance. Good luck with this

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

I would KILL DH if he ever sprang this on me. Sure...its very sad and tragic that her husband died. However, she is relatively young...and active. She doesn't even sound like she would need help at this point. Plus, he has all these other siblings that could easily do the same thing..should she ever need that. You guys are just newlyweds...throwing his mother in on your marriage this early in the game could really weigh heavy on your relationship..especially when kids come into the picture. I dont think he is really looking at the big pitcure. That said, if she was really in need of help and was retired or unhealthy, I would say to support your DH in his decision. But under your circumstances, this would require many more talks on your part and some serious reasoning!


Good luck!

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

It's nice that he feels so responsible for her. You learn a lot about a man from the way he treats his mother and sisters.

That being said, it doesn't sound necessary, and like you said she probably wouldn't go for it. I know my MIL would be downright insulted at the implication that she needed help to get by. And you don't have any kids yet so she'd probably just get in the way of the baby makin'. lol!

I'd probably tell him that now is not the right time for this and that you should both wait a few years before even considering it. A lot of factors come in to play.

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

one day at a time. but for now, avoid the convo

you guys arent buying a house TOMORROW anyway right?? gheezzzz

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

Thank you girls soooo much for both taking the time to read that emotional vent and for weighing in with helpful advice!

We are def NOT in the position to even start looking at houses just yet...(nevermind one with an apartment attached to it)....so I am going to follow the advice of taking some time to gather my thoughts and feelings as I wait for him to bring it back up.

Our fledgling little marriage has been put to the test up front...his dad was diagnosed 2 weeks before our wedding and passed 14 weeks later...and we're stronger than ever despite the tough times.

This is heavy business but I suppose this is part of life and marriage!

Many thanks again for helping me deal with this one!

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

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Posted by jilliibabii

It's nice that he feels so responsible for her. You learn a lot about a man from the way he treats his mother and sisters.

That being said, it doesn't sound necessary, and like you said she probably wouldn't go for it.

I'd probably tell him that now is not the right time for this and that you should both wait a few years before even considering it. A lot of factors come in to play.

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ITA with this..

My Stepmom had my grandparents living with them for years, and it is the one thing she says she regretted agreeing to....while it can take a toll on a good 'in-law' relationship... it will make tense ones even worse... We (the kids) saw it every time we were there and it got very uncomfortable for us!

I'd tell him how wonderful it is he thinks of his Mom to take care of her... but she doesn't have to be living with you for him to make sure she's taken care of!

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

There are totally ways around this, that will not cause major dramz.

55+ communities!!!!! They are totally cool and honestly I wish I could live in one. Maybe MIL would like the activities and freedoms that one of these places would afford her. Maybe there is one close to where you guys are, so she doesn't feel alone.

Or you could always look into a mother daughter house. It's not the end of the world.

I know that you are not thrilled about this. (I wouldn't be either. MIL and I are like oil and water). However, I lost my dad a few years ago and would not hesitate to have my mom move in with us. Unfortunately it's just something you are going to have to deal with. This is his mom.

Has anyone even asked her what she wants to do? Maybe she doesn't want to have any part of living with you guys. If I was totally active I would want my independence.

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

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Posted by dctead

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Posted by jilliibabii

It's nice that he feels so responsible for her. You learn a lot about a man from the way he treats his mother and sisters.

That being said, it doesn't sound necessary, and like you said she probably wouldn't go for it.

I'd probably tell him that now is not the right time for this and that you should both wait a few years before even considering it. A lot of factors come in to play.

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ITA with this..

My Stepmom had my grandparents living with them for years, and it is the one thing she says she regretted agreeing to....while it can take a toll on a good 'in-law' relationship... it will make tense ones even worse... We (the kids) saw it every time we were there and it got very uncomfortable for us!

I'd tell him how wonderful it is he thinks of his Mom to take care of her... but she doesn't have to be living with you for him to make sure she's taken care of!

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Oh and once, in a moment of what I can only call temporary insanity, my MIL told me that moving in with her in-laws was the worst mistake she EVER made.

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

Avoid bringing this up again.

Kieran is overwhelmed with emotions right now since his father passed and is trying to consider every way possible to make sure his father's wishes are/will be fulfilled. It's an emotional thing.

As time passes, he might ditch this idea all together, but, in let's say a year, he brings it up again, remind him that his mother is young in the grand scheme of things and is self sufficient. Tell him that is she were to develop some kind of health problem, then it could be a possibility for you to take her in, but tell him she's a big girl and has shown that she can take care of herself.

If that doesn't work, remind him that you're newlyweds (even a year from now) and his father probably would not want to put a heavy burden on a new marriage.

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

My lord... i'm sorry you're having to even think about this.


Bottom line, this happened recently -- he's upset obviously still.

You guys JUST got married - you should be allowed your own space for a long time.

She isn't even in a position where she needs to be taken care of AND he's one of 5 kids. Everyone can take their turn helping her and visiting and what not.

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

I agree with you. You guys are newlyweds and some people don't have to take in an elderly parent until their own children are all grown up and in college or beyond that. You guys don't even have children of your own yet. And given how you describe her, this could put a lot of stress on the marriage. I would tell DH that you think it's a better idea to live closer to her (same town or nearby town) rather than with her..she is only 68 for goodness sakes! I've heard of people living alone at 95. I would suggest that you move closer to her, or if she is having trouble on her own, suggest an assisted living community home. HTH.

Re: sound the alarms...this one is long - sorry

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Posted by SoonToBeMrsCampos

if it were me. i would flat out say no, never.

DH and I have already had the talk, no parents will EVER live with us.

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We've at the same conversation and the SAME outcome! I made a rule we're not even allowed to live in the same towns as our parents.

As for your situation I think you handled it pretty well. IF he does bring it up, like another poster said, suggest maybe moving closer to his mother when buying a house instead of her moving in. And if the 'she can play a major role in the raising of our kids' ( ) just simply reply 'while I think you're mom did a GREAT job with all of you guys, I would perfer to try raising our kids together and go to her with some advice when need be.' I had to through that one at DH when his mom told me 'I raised 2 great kids, I think I can raise yours too, just leave them with Grandma.'

Good luck and keep your fingers crossed he never brings any of that up again!