The D word

So I went out to dinner last night with a good friend of mine and two of her friends. One of the girls is getting a divorced after being married for 10 months. So they were all talking to one another and everyone of them said they had a back up plan in case of divorce. Meaning financially, where they would live, even dating.

I was soooo shocked. One girl even said 'I always told myself if it doesn't work out there is always divorce'. I never even thought of planning for divorce. For me divorce isn't an option.

Now I am wondering if more people think this way.

ok hope i don't get flamed for saying this but...

those are the people that shouldnt get married or in my opinion don't deserve to get married. They are tainting what the meaning of marriage is. If you can so openly and calmly say 'oh divorce is always an option if I dont like him etc. and I have everything figured out if it happens' I think that is just plain sad.

To me divorce is not an option either, unless Dh is physically abusing myself or my children. I think that is a situation I would never want to be subject too and it is hard for men to change or get help for that...plus you never hit a girl...so it would only take one time for me.

But anyway....that is definitely sad they were talking like that.

I think too many people think like this going into marriage. I think if you have that mentality you are kind of setting the marriage up to fail KWIM...almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Marraige is work. I don't think that everyone that thinks this way is doomed to have a failed marriage but I do think it's looking at marriage in a negetive way to begin with.

I have no plans on being divorce. Unfortunately it happens to A LOT of people. DH and I are doing all we can to be committed and in love. It is hard, people change, but I think you need to keep working on a marriage.
If you are going in with the mind set of divorce and no work,,, that is sad.

I think that someone doing this is just setting themselves up for the inevitable then. If you are preparing for something as hard as divorce, instead of marriage counseling or other things to prevent that from happening, then I think they are more likely to think of Divorce as the only way out in times of trouble. That is just how I see it.

I think that for any couple , especially for a woman she should be independent enough in her own marriage, to where she wont have to think about that sort of thing happening, and what she will do if it does. If that sort of thing were to happen, she should have established herself well enough before hand to not even have to worry about that. You know what I mean???

Nope, divorce should NOT even be an option. For me & DH, the whole concept of divorce just doesn't even exist. If we have any problems in the future, we better work 'em out or go to counseling or SOMETHING because there is no 'out' for us.

I truly do believe that the only reason anybody should ever even consider divorce is for the most extreme cases - like if one is abusing the other, or if there' cheating going on. Those are the ONLY scenarios that I feel it's acceptable. But I hate it when people just think it's a way out. Marriage is a much bigger commitment than dating. You can't just break up and move on. That's the whole point. It makes me sad that people don't see it that way.

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Posted by jaep129

I hope not! I don't understand people. No offense to your friends but I have heard people say this and its so sad.

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None taken. I feel bad for them. My close friend is a child of divorced parents. I can't believe someone who lived through that would even think of it for herself.

I really believe some people just get married for the wedding, and when the wedding excitement wears off they are over the marriage.

I am a divorce attorney so this is an interesting topic for me to read and see peoples responses. Unfortunately, the way you feel now may not be the way you feel in 10, 20 or 30 years. I am in no way saying or hoping that anybody on here gets a divorce, but 99% of my clients getting divorced didn't think they would end up in my office.

Wow. I think its pretty judgemental to say divorce is not an option and to assume that people who end up divorced shouldn't have gotten married. None of us know what the future holds for us. Of course none of us go into a marriage aspiring for divorce, but do most people, really? Life can throw some curve balls at you, and its naive, I think, to assume that divorce isn't an option in some of these situations.

What about that poor girl on the 09 board the other day. She went into marriage under false pretenses -- she had no idea that her FH, now DH, had been misusing their money very wrecklessly and secretly. This was something she had NO control of. So should she be bound to work on this marriage now when it was clearly NOT built on trust as she thought it had been? I don't think its really fair to say she should have to.

What if, God forbid, one of us was in that circumstance. Your DH had, unbeknownst to you, been spending a years worth of your rent on God knows what and lying to your face about it. Are you prepared to face that sort of betrayal? Are you ready to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of vows that you took not really knowing what you were in for? Or, as we also saw last week, your new DH actually has a side relationship with a woman and ends up having a child with her. Is that something you're prepared to deal with and work through? I know thats not what *I* signed up for. I'd hate to think that marriage vows are like a 'get out of jail free' card for things like betrayal and infidelity. Jeez, what if DH cheats with your sister. How could you ever even LOOK at him again?

I just think that NONE of us know what even OUR future holds, so to make a blanket statement saying divorce is NOT an option is pretty silly and might come back to bite 50% of us right in the hiney one day.

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Posted by Mimacat

Wow. I think its pretty judgemental to say divorce is not an option and to assume that people who end up divorced shouldn't have gotten married. None of us know what the future holds for us. Of course none of us go into a marriage aspiring for divorce, but do most people, really? Life can throw some curve balls at you, and its naive, I think, to assume that divorce isn't an option in some of these situations.

What about that poor girl on the 09 board the other day. She went into marriage under false pretenses -- she had no idea that her FH, now DH, had been misusing their money very wrecklessly and secretly. This was something she had NO control of. So should she be bound to work on this marriage now when it was clearly NOT built on trust as she thought it had been? I don't think its really fair to say she should have to.

What if, God forbid, one of us was in that circumstance. Your DH had, unbeknownst to you, been spending a years worth of your rent on God knows what and lying to your face about it. Are you prepared to face that sort of betrayal? Are you ready to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of vows that you took not really knowing what you were in for? Or, as we also saw last week, your new DH actually has a side relationship with a woman and ends up having a child with her. Is that something you're prepared to deal with and work through? I know thats not what *I* signed up for. I'd hate to think that marriage vows are like a 'get out of jail free' card for things like betrayal and infidelity. Jeez, what if DH cheats with your sister. How could you ever even LOOK at him again?

I just think that NONE of us know what even OUR future holds, so to make a blanket statement saying divorce is NOT an option is pretty silly and might come back to bite 50% of us right in the hiney one day.

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Excellent point. What if you found out he was cheating...that is another point. We cannot judge but I think she was just saying that her friends all had back up plans and that is just crazy!

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Posted by Mimacat

Wow. I think its pretty judgemental to say divorce is not an option and to assume that people who end up divorced shouldn't have gotten married. None of us know what the future holds for us. Of course none of us go into a marriage aspiring for divorce, but do most people, really? Life can throw some curve balls at you, and its naive, I think, to assume that divorce isn't an option in some of these situations.

What about that poor girl on the 09 board the other day. She went into marriage under false pretenses -- she had no idea that her FH, now DH, had been misusing their money very wrecklessly and secretly. This was something she had NO control of. So should she be bound to work on this marriage now when it was clearly NOT built on trust as she thought it had been? I don't think its really fair to say she should have to.

What if, God forbid, one of us was in that circumstance. Your DH had, unbeknownst to you, been spending a years worth of your rent on God knows what and lying to your face about it. Are you prepared to face that sort of betrayal? Are you ready to sacrifice your happiness for the sake of vows that you took not really knowing what you were in for? Or, as we also saw last week, your new DH actually has a side relationship with a woman and ends up having a child with her. Is that something you're prepared to deal with and work through? I know thats not what *I* signed up for. I'd hate to think that marriage vows are like a 'get out of jail free' card for things like betrayal and infidelity. Jeez, what if DH cheats with your sister. How could you ever even LOOK at him again?

I just think that NONE of us know what even OUR future holds, so to make a blanket statement saying divorce is NOT an option is pretty silly and might come back to bite 50% of us right in the hiney one day.

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Great point

I did not go into my marriage with Divorce as an option, and I pray that I am never faced with a circumstance where it will be an option.