Trouble in Paradise

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Posted by luvFH2008

I don't know what plans he'd be making for us at midnight - he thought i was sleeping and just left - i did have a talk w/ him last night and i said if i can't trust you which i can't b/c of your shady behavior then we're headed down the wrong path.

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Girl , that IS shady . period. I went through that with my ex,and let me tell you , calling someone at midnight AND not letting you see the phone is definitely worthy of some further investigation on your part.

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Posted by luvFH2008

Actually - I waited for 20 minutes in bed and then I went downstairs where I actually caught him leaving to come up. I said who were you talking to and then he gave me this whole shpeal about how his friend is going through something blah blah blah - and I said why didn't you talk in our apartment and he's like b/c I didn't want to disturb you and then without yelling I said - let me see your phone and he said no. I said how would you feel if I did what you just did and he knew he was wrong but continued to defend himself. It's ridiculous really and in bed - we were still having this discussion and I'm like I can't trust you and he's like you have to - and we just went back and forth.

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If it was just a friend, he'd show you the phone. Something is fishy. I know you should give him the benefit of the doubt because he is your husband...but really thats just weird.

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Posted by marriedinmontauk

he could have a friend or family member having some sort of issue that he doesn't want you to know about....

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this is true, BUT IMO there should be no secrets between husband and wife. That's what marriage is all about, trust and honesty and once that is violated , it takes it's toll .


I tell DH everything , and if he suspected me of anything I would have shown him my phone , if it was just a friend .

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Posted by yelley77

I think if you are suspicious, then something is not right. And for him to not show you his phone to ease your fears makes me feel a little uneasy, so I can imagine how you are feeling.

I truly believe that a woman always knows the truth in her gut.

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I agree , if he was doing something shady by lying in the first place then going out to call somebody and not showing you who called when you questioned him is a bit weird. WOuld he really call his mom at midnight?

Why would he want you to think the worst and think that maybe he was calling a girl or something like that, he should not leave you with that thought in your mind.

You should have a serious talk with him

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Posted by jessnstu08

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Posted by marriedinmontauk

he could have a friend or family member having some sort of issue that he doesn't want you to know about....

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this is true, BUT IMO there should be no secrets between husband and wife. That's what marriage is all about, trust and honesty and once that is violated , it takes it's toll .


I tell DH everything , and if he suspected me of anything I would have shown him my phone , if it was just a friend .

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I agree...I actually said this to dh the other day. Completely off topic (and probably a little silly of me) but I happened to ask him the other day if he has talked to his nephew (who he is close with) about getting engaged soon...he said no, but, I really think he definitely knows if his nephew has bought the ring already...so then we got into a discussion about how I didn't think he would tell me if he knew, which would somewhat upset me. He was like, what if he told me not to tell anyone, even you? I said, honestly, that doesn't hold much weight with me, cause who am I going to tell? I'm your wife, and you should be able to tell me these things without thinking that it's going anywhere. As silly as that all sounds (and after thinking about it, I know it is) I still think that I will be a bit upset - 1, cause he didnt tell me, and 2 - cause he lied to me about not knowing...

Like I said, off topic, but, my point is that I don't think there should be secrets...If one of my friends or family members is having a hard time, while I might not give every little detail about it to him, I would atleast say that that was what was going on...

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by yelley77

I think if you are suspicious, then something is not right. And for him to not show you his phone to ease your fears makes me feel a little uneasy, so I can imagine how you are feeling.

I truly believe that a woman always knows the truth in her gut.

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I agree , if he was doing something shady by lying in the first place then going out to call somebody and not showing you who called when you questioned him is a bit weird. WOuld he really call his mom at midnight?

Why would he want you to think the worst and think that maybe he was calling a girl or something like that, he should not leave you with that thought in your mind.

You should have a serious talk with him

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just playing devil's advocate here- but we dont know how she approached him. I know if DH asked me something in an accusing way, I would get defensive, its just who I am- I'm not up to anything, I just hate to be accused of anything- especially when I havent done anything.

I just really think her & her dh need to sit down and talk- if you can do that calmly- maybe it can all be ironed out. The key to any relationship is communicating.

I know if DH asked me something in an accusing way, I would get defensive, its just who I am- I'm not up to anything, I just hate to be accused of anything- especially when I havent done anything.

I am the same way. And then something so silly can get blown out of proportion because of being defensive.

It could be a lot of things, but you won't know the truth unless you really talk to him. If you still aren't satisified well then listen to your gut.

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Posted by futuremrsfab

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by yelley77

I think if you are suspicious, then something is not right. And for him to not show you his phone to ease your fears makes me feel a little uneasy, so I can imagine how you are feeling.

I truly believe that a woman always knows the truth in her gut.

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I agree , if he was doing something shady by lying in the first place then going out to call somebody and not showing you who called when you questioned him is a bit weird. WOuld he really call his mom at midnight?

Why would he want you to think the worst and think that maybe he was calling a girl or something like that, he should not leave you with that thought in your mind.

You should have a serious talk with him

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just playing devil's advocate here- but we dont know how she approached him. I know if DH asked me something in an accusing way, I would get defensive, its just who I am- I'm not up to anything, I just hate to be accused of anything- especially when I havent done anything.

I just really think her & her dh need to sit down and talk- if you can do that calmly- maybe it can all be ironed out. The key to any relationship is communicating.

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I do agree that none of us know what happened. I also do get defensive and DH is the same way. But if its something serious as being suspicious of calling somebody late at night, i kno w I would get defensive but show the phone to prove I am right, maybe screaming while I do it lol, and saying oh yeah you dont trust me, here is who i called you A**HOLE how do you feel now lol. I get defensive but at the same time, if somebody accused me of something and i want to be right in the arguement i will prove my point then go on screaming lol

But I dont think anybody should let their partner go on thinking that they did something shady. I know no matter how upset i would be at DH for accusing me, I still wouldn't want him to think that lets say I was calling another guy. Also if dh would go out of the house at midnight to call somebody and I accused him of anything, I would hope he understand why I am doing it, and realize that if the tables were turned, he would feel the exact same way. I dont want the OP to think he definitely did something but I would look into this.

I remember DH getting a phone call late at night, and he wasnt picking up. I looked over and said WHO THE F*CK IS CALLING THIS LATE!!!! i guess me saying it like that was accusing him or probably he felt like that. But while the phone was still ringing he showed me the phone and showed that it was his best friend calling but he didnt feel like picking up and talking since we were watching a movie. I know if he wouldnt have showed me who it was, i would've thought the worst. Plus I think if it was me in that situation, i would realize myself that if my phone rang late at night, i would think oh this does look shady, and wouldnt blame him if he was like W**, and i wouldnt want him to think the worst so I would show him.

Who knows maybe a friend is going through something private that he doesnt want to tell her bc its his friends private business, it can be that. But hopefully he can talk to her and prove himself.

To the OP-i hope things are ok and work out, good luck

He should be open and willing to share the information with you of who was calling at midnight. I'm sure if he caught you on the phone with someone that late he would want to know who it was too. You have a right to know as his wife.

My ex-husband used to find reasons to go out of the apartment every night around 11:30 and I never questioned it.... Turns out that he was calling his girlfriend he was having an affair with for 8 months. BE SUSPICIOUS, you have to be or at least get him to be honest with you.

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Posted by Espo22



I do agree that none of us know what happened. I also do get defensive and DH is the same way. But if its something serious as being suspicious of calling somebody late at night, i kno w I would get defensive but show the phone to prove I am right, maybe screaming while I do it lol, and saying oh yeah you dont trust me, here is who i called you A**HOLE how do you feel now lol. I get defensive but at the same time, if somebody accused me of something and i want to be right in the arguement i will prove my point then go on screaming lol

But I dont think anybody should let their partner go on thinking that they did something shady. I know no matter how upset i would be at DH for accusing me, I still wouldn't want him to think that lets say I was calling another guy. Also if dh would go out of the house at midnight to call somebody and I accused him of anything, I would hope he understand why I am doing it, and realize that if the tables were turned, he would feel the exact same way. I dont want the OP to think he definitely did something but I would look into this.

I remember DH getting a phone call late at night, and he wasnt picking up. I looked over and said WHO THE F*CK IS CALLING THIS LATE!!!! i guess me saying it like that was accusing him or probably he felt like that. But while the phone was still ringing he showed me the phone and showed that it was his best friend calling but he didnt feel like picking up and talking since we were watching a movie. I know if he wouldnt have showed me who it was, i would've thought the worst. Plus I think if it was me in that situation, i would realize myself that if my phone rang late at night, i would think oh this does look shady, and wouldnt blame him if he was like W**, and i wouldnt want him to think the worst so I would show him.

Who knows maybe a friend is going through something private that he doesnt want to tell her bc its his friends private business, it can be that. But hopefully he can talk to her and prove himself.

To the OP-i hope things are ok and work out, good luck

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Denise you said what I was thinking. I rather be paranoid and prove my point. I did laugh with ' here is who i called you A**HOLE how do you feel now lol.' cuz that is something i would do in a heartbeat.

But to the OP some of us are a little more 'investigative' then others so please dont let any of our opinions sway you one way or the other. Only you know your relationship and that 'gut' feeling.

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Posted by RadiantBride

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Posted by Espo22



I do agree that none of us know what happened. I also do get defensive and DH is the same way. But if its something serious as being suspicious of calling somebody late at night, i kno w I would get defensive but show the phone to prove I am right, maybe screaming while I do it lol, and saying oh yeah you dont trust me, here is who i called you A**HOLE how do you feel now lol. I get defensive but at the same time, if somebody accused me of something and i want to be right in the arguement i will prove my point then go on screaming lol

But I dont think anybody should let their partner go on thinking that they did something shady. I know no matter how upset i would be at DH for accusing me, I still wouldn't want him to think that lets say I was calling another guy. Also if dh would go out of the house at midnight to call somebody and I accused him of anything, I would hope he understand why I am doing it, and realize that if the tables were turned, he would feel the exact same way. I dont want the OP to think he definitely did something but I would look into this.

I remember DH getting a phone call late at night, and he wasnt picking up. I looked over and said WHO THE F*CK IS CALLING THIS LATE!!!! i guess me saying it like that was accusing him or probably he felt like that. But while the phone was still ringing he showed me the phone and showed that it was his best friend calling but he didnt feel like picking up and talking since we were watching a movie. I know if he wouldnt have showed me who it was, i would've thought the worst. Plus I think if it was me in that situation, i would realize myself that if my phone rang late at night, i would think oh this does look shady, and wouldnt blame him if he was like W**, and i wouldnt want him to think the worst so I would show him.

Who knows maybe a friend is going through something private that he doesnt want to tell her bc its his friends private business, it can be that. But hopefully he can talk to her and prove himself.

To the OP-i hope things are ok and work out, good luck

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Denise you said what I was thinking. I rather be paranoid and prove my point. I did laugh with ' here is who i called you A**HOLE how do you feel now lol.' cuz that is something i would do in a heartbeat.

But to the OP some of us are a little more 'investigative' then others so please dont let any of our opinions sway you one way or the other. Only you know your relationship and that 'gut' feeling.

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yeah i definitely think thats exactly what i would say. At first i would say 'do you trust me?' and keep asking until he answers and then show him.

I do agree that we all are different, some might feel accused and then say if you dont trust me then thats on you and will be so upset maybe they dont feel the need to prove themselves, so maybe he is that type of guy. You know him best so only you know how he reacts to things. Maybe he doesnt feel he has to prove anything bc you should know.

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Posted by yelley77

I think if you are suspicious, then something is not right. And for him to not show you his phone to ease your fears makes me feel a little uneasy, so I can imagine how you are feeling.

I truly believe that a woman always knows the truth in her gut.

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While I agree with Yelley I also want to play devils advocate and point out that sometimes you can get something your head and make yourself paranoid. I f DH is up to something you will find out...sometimes we over analyze and make ourselves crazy and you could have fallen victim to this

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Posted by jillyb97

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Posted by jessnstu08

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Posted by marriedinmontauk

he could have a friend or family member having some sort of issue that he doesn't want you to know about....

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this is true, BUT IMO there should be no secrets between husband and wife. That's what marriage is all about, trust and honesty and once that is violated , it takes it's toll .


I tell DH everything , and if he suspected me of anything I would have shown him my phone , if it was just a friend .

---

I agree...I actually said this to dh the other day. Completely off topic (and probably a little silly of me) but I happened to ask him the other day if he has talked to his nephew (who he is close with) about getting engaged soon...he said no, but, I really think he definitely knows if his nephew has bought the ring already...so then we got into a discussion about how I didn't think he would tell me if he knew, which would somewhat upset me. He was like, what if he told me not to tell anyone, even you? I said, honestly, that doesn't hold much weight with me, cause who am I going to tell? I'm your wife, and you should be able to tell me these things without thinking that it's going anywhere. As silly as that all sounds (and after thinking about it, I know it is) I still think that I will be a bit upset - 1, cause he didnt tell me, and 2 - cause he lied to me about not knowing...

Like I said, off topic, but, my point is that I don't think there should be secrets...If one of my friends or family members is having a hard time, while I might not give every little detail about it to him, I would atleast say that that was what was going on...

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I detest liars . This is a deal breaker for me in ANY type relationship, and I am even talking about lying to me if you *think* it will hurt my feelings, I would rather know the truth . I can take ALOT of shiz from a lot of people but once I cannot trust you , its over in every relationship in my life. DH knows this NOW .
I had issues with him and MIL , how he was covering up with things with her (long story) and 4 months before the wedding I almost called it off. I do not tolerate being blatantly lied to , especially after i catch you and your still going to lie to me?? oh HELLS no , which the OP said about the party, she caught him lying and he still played dumb .

I explained to DH that I do not like secrets and liars where you omit information because you know it will upset me is just as bad as flat out lying. I have done things that DH has not liked, but I told him immediately . I would rather him be mad and get over it then find out months later and be mad and think I am a liar .
He now tells me everything , even dumb stuff, but you know what , now I know what's going on with everything and being that I am a nosey yenta , who tells him everything , it brings us that much closer

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Posted by jessnstu08

I explained to DH that I do not like secrets and liars where you omit information because you know it will upset me is just as bad as flat out lying. I have done things that DH has not liked, but I told him immediately . I would rather him be mad and get over it then find out months later and be mad and think I am a liar .
He now tells me everything , even dumb stuff, but you know what , now I know what's going on with everything and being that I am a nosey yenta , who tells him everything , it brings us that much closer

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Totally agree...In my situation, I really have no idea if he knows or not...I just think it, but have absolutely no reason to know if he does...and of course I just want to know cause I would be very excited for them

Sometimes I think that guys don't realize that telling us little things really means a lot!

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Posted by luvFH2008

I have told him so many times I hate lies - I'd have more respect if you were honest. He emailed me and apologized but in my eyes the only way to make it better is by seeing w/ my own eyes who he called. Until then I just feel uncomfortable.

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did you tell him this? I mean it seems like if you two talk you will still have doubts in your mind. I think if he knows that you will feel very uncomfortable until you know then he will make the effort of showing you.

Yes - he knows this and is still not showing me.

He thinks it's an insult to him of me not trusting him but doesn't see that clearly there's a reason why.