For Newlyweds Only - (updated)Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY – Page 2

confusednewlywed · 2003-04-07T21:08:17-04:00

Never mind issue has been resolved

ILT1221 Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:02 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

Oops!
Confused,
I decided to FM you.

LisaT Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:04 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

Irene - she's already married.

Claud2001 Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:05 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

Confused, I definitely think that you would be making a huge mistake to force your husband's hand on this issue.

Children are a life-altering, life long commitment and you will want to have a solid marriage to raise them within. You would be smart to work on your relationship, your marriage, your partnership immediately, if you even want to consider having children in the future.

I see two things in your post that I find very disturbing - the first, that your husband told you he wanted children b/c it was the 'ROMANTIC' thing to say at the time. That is downright dishonest and misleading and some people would actually consider divorce over this issue. A friend of my friend got divorced b/c his wife lied to him about her desires to have a family.

The second is your admission of confusion about whether to stay or RUN away. Your subconscience is telling you that something is not right with your marriage. You need to resolve this somehow - not saying divorce - but, you need to find the source of this feeling before you can move forward with confidence that your marriage in founded in truth and honesty.

I think that many newly married women often romanticize the whole baby thing, thinking it's the next logical step and will complete the family 'picture.' But, trust me, you will feel differently when you're trying to care for the child by yourself b/c your husband resents you or worse, wants nothing to do with you and the baby.
You need your husband's support to have this child, otherwise you could end up as a singe mother.

Good luck and best wishes to you. I can only imagine how confusing and disappointing this situation is for you. Some men just need more time to get used to the idea of children...others never really want the responsibility, some are so scared by the responsibility that they decide it's easier just to aviod them. It is rare (IMO) that many men are truly ready and willing to have children...but, those that know make the most loving and wonderful fathers.

jennbaby Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:17 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

I agree I feel maybe there is something more wrong in your marriage, you seem unhappy

shamma Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:20 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

Jen being confused about an issue does not make for an unhappy marriage. It might mean she is just confused and unhappy about this one situation.

There are things in my marriage that I might not like or don't enjoy, but I am in a very happy marriage. THis is only one of many issues they are going to face, so she needs to speak to her hubby about this. All feelings and thoughts out on the table, clear the air. I wish you all the best

jennbaby Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:29 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

Shamma I know this person is sometimes unhappy more than this because I know more than whats posted.

shamma Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:32 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

That is not for you to say on open board, that is for you and her to discuss privately. If she has told you more than she has shared with us then leave it there. She has shared what she is comfortable sharing. IF she is unhappy then she should know if this is worth her sanity or if she should stay and work it out.

jennbaby Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:35 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

Shamma I did not say on an open board! Never will!! I just posted what i feel from the post she wrote

shamma Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:36 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

you said you know more, you know more and you are asking her questions in a manner to bring out a response out of her, of more than she is willing to share. That is what I mean.

jennbaby Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:40 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

No what I said is she seems unhappy and thats it.
I wouldnt post what I know ever. Just that she seems unhappy & like Claud said:

'The second is your admission of confusion about whether to stay or RUN away. Your subconscience is telling you that something is not right with your marriage. You need to resolve this somehow - not saying divorce - but, you need to find the source of this feeling before you can move forward with confidence that your marriage in founded in truth and honesty.'

Kathy116 Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:43 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

What everyone is saying so far is true...it could be more than just a baby issue, or it could just be this one point.

However, in my opinion, the desire to have children or not to have them is a very big issue. I've heard marriages break up over this issue, and I understand why. This is not some trifle issue. And that's why we all understand why you're so upset.

I would ask around and see if anyone can FM you a great marriage therapist. Even if this is the only 'problem' in your marriage, I think marriage therapy would be a great avenue for you two. It provides an open forum with a type of moderator, so maybe you can both work things out, or at least find out your reasons for wanting or not wanting a baby.

All I can say is I hope things do work out! We all want you happy!

ILT1221 Posted: Apr 07, 2003 10:46 PM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

I have to agree with Jenn. Although I don't know her personally she does seem confused and unhappy. That's why I made the mistake of thinking she wasn't married yet. It's not my place to say anything about someone's marriage...just know that ConfusedNewly...we care and support you.

Diane Posted: Apr 08, 2003 07:19 AM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

I agree with everyone, do not pressure him, it can make matters worse. Give him some more time. The more you BOTH want it, the more exciting this miracle of life will be

Good Luck!!!

confusednewlywed Posted: Apr 08, 2003 08:00 AM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

thank you everyone

sept20yay! Posted: Apr 08, 2003 08:19 AM

Re: (updated)Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

Big hugs to you confused!!!

I was just going to say and I think that this will make you feel a great deal better- that there is no correct formula for marriage- for all of us. We plan our weddings and get the flowers and the band 100% right and there is no recipe for success that makes a good marriage. Brave to come on here and shoot out this idea.... We all have different things that we have to learn to adapt to.

I know Shamma always tries to put up on these boards thought provoking- ideas to make the marriage work board- (thanks for that Shamma) and keeping that in mind, I have an idea for you ....

Sometimes, people say things without thinking- it doesn't mean they mean it. With your husband, try not to read into what he is saying or be too sensitive at this second. Here is what I mean; you posted this on a Monday night circa 9 pm. I was depressed yesterday at 9 pm. Cried to my MOH just about the mundane routine of working and being a bit tired. Maybe yesterday financially was a rough day at work for husband on a Monday night and he shot off his mouth without thinking and took it out on you. G-d knows I do it occasionally during my period and afterward I'm like, why did I say that. Next time he does something like that reflect on it for 24 hours and see later if he is still in the same state of mind. Clouds clear up and maybe when he sees you relaxed over brunch on Saturday morning, and sees the kids playing next to you, he will feel differently.

Cheer up sweetie! It will all work out!

phyl Posted: Apr 08, 2003 09:36 AM

Re: (updated)Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

Confused- take your time. Feel things out. I am glad that you did talk to hubby again and he cleared up his stand on this issue.
my opinion only- please ask that he not say things just because 'they are romantic' unless he REALLY means them. Maybe that will lead to less confusion.

In some context, and forgive me for this, but he is being a GUY about it. He doesnt want to possibly grow up right now. I do not know how long you are married, but maybe he is still adjusting to the 'we are a couple until the end of time' thing.

Again, just an opinion. Hugs to you and hang in there. Keep the airwaves open between you

NuBride Posted: Apr 08, 2003 09:42 AM

Re: (updated)Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

These things should be discussed prior to the marriage..I was 32 when I met my husband and he was only 28 but I laid my cards on the table from day 1. He knew how old I was and he knew I didn't want to wait and he wanted to be married a year before trying.

Well he got his wish because it almost took that long to conceive and we almost lost the baby so you never know what god has in store for us.

You cannot think your life will go as 'planned' and I agree with most of the ladies here, it is a serous issue and must be resolved. Don't pressure himor yourself. Good Luck.

Cindy Posted: Apr 08, 2003 09:47 AM

Re: (updated)Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

It seems like everyone gave you good advice. All I could say is dont push him. If you do and he is not ready, you might have him heading for the door. Just by saying he doesnt feel like spending money on diapers, etc, geeez. That in itself says alot. Have you guys done alot in your relationship? Have you traveled, etc? Maybe he feels like there is still alot for the two of you to see and do. I dont know the relationship so it is hard to say. Being 30, you still have time so dont worry. Hope it all works out and you are feeling better about everything.

jeng Posted: Apr 08, 2003 09:56 AM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

I'm sort of in the same situation as far as going on 30 and wanting children. My Dh on the otherhand would put them off forever if he could. It's not that he doesn't want kids. I think it scare the **** out of him though, and the thought of it panics him. His way of dealing, is to joke around about when we'll have them, putting them off further and further. It's a sensitive issue for me, and him joking about having kids in 3 years upsets me. So recently we had a little talk, and I told him that our timeline for having kids is very serious to me, and his joking about it is upsetting. Since then he's been really good and we're working on a compromise.
I've tried to direct my energy for the time being towards other things for now....family, friends and working on the house in an effort to give my DH the breathing room he needs. I remind myself that me wanting kids and having to wait, is easier for me to handle then it would be for my dh to have a child when he's not ready yet.
Hang in there.......try and think of the advantages of waiting a little longer, and vent away here! It's great to know that you're not the only one going through something

confusednewlywed Posted: Apr 08, 2003 10:08 AM

Re: Desparately need UR HELP- I am a regular NEWLY

Thank-you all again for the FM and responses, reading some of them made me both smile and want to cry(in a good way) as so many of you are so caring. I will keep you posted and thanks again for your stories and advice