vent

I was talking to someone today about how they say that the first year of marriage is the hardest but really for me it has been wonderful. I said that PROBABLY the hardest adjustment for us would be when we have children and then we will have our 'roughest time.'

Well 'Mary Sue' just laughed at me and said 'You still live with your parents, you don't even KNOW real problems. Give me a call when you have real problems and then let me know how your marriage is.'

It is so frustrating to me. First of all, no one knows our real situation. Yes, my parents WERE supposed to be helping us but unfortunately it has turned into US helping them. We pay all of our own expenses AND help my parents AND we are saving for our own home.

The REALLY frustrating part is that BEFORE we moved in, EVERYONE told us that living with my parents would destroy our marriage. So which one is it? Are we setting ourselves up for disaster or living on easy street - you have to choose one, you can't think it is both.

Anyway, just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.

Oh Tilde you are NOT going to like what I am going to say, but YES you dont have real problems when you live with your parents.

DH and I lived with his parents for about 6 months...we paid our OWN way...BUT we never had any problems.

Granted you are helping them which is more then most would do living with their parents but you are still under their roof, they are still having even the smallest affect on the dynamic of your marriage. You dont know it now but you will when you arent around them anymore.

Im not saying you are setting yourself up for anything, Im just saying our real problems didnt occur until after we moved out and were in our own place and DIDNT have anyone to rely on besides ourselves.

People have no clue what they are talking about. They are so involved with making a point sometimes they don't make any sense at all. It is none of her business what your living situation is. I can't stand people who try to stick their two cents in thinking they are helping you but they are flat out trying to insult you.

Be proud of your accomplishments. When you have that big beautiful house to show for invite everyone to the house warming except her

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Posted by PegaLega

Oh Tilde you are NOT going to like what I am going to say, but YES you dont have real problems when you live with your parents.

DH and I lived with his parents for about 6 months...we paid our OWN way...BUT we never had any problems.

Granted you are helping them which is more then most would do living with their parents but you are still under their roof, they are still having even the smallest affect on the dynamic of your marriage. You dont know it now but you will when you arent around them anymore.

Im not saying you are setting yourself up for anything, Im just saying our real problems didnt occur until after we moved out and were in our own place and DIDNT have anyone to rely on besides ourselves.

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But wouldn't you say that you dealt with DIFFERENT and EQUAL problems? We have a tiny living space. I am always trying to balance between respecting my parents' home AND making DH happy. It can get up to 120 degrees in our little attic. Etc. Maybe our financial issues are less 'serious' even though they ARE present. . . but what I mean is that we are dealing with our own set of issues as well.

Thanks for answering honestly though, I wasn't expecting to read that LOL!

I think it can go both ways. Living with your parents is a bit of a safety net even if you are paying your own way and helping them out. However, living with your parents can be extremely stifling and problem-causing, especially if you've lived on your own previously.

People are always going to think they have it harder than you -- if you're happy in this situation who cares what they think

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Posted by bluegreen08

I think it can go both ways. Living with your parents is a bit of a safety net even if you are paying your own way and helping them out. However, living with your parents can be extremely stifling and problem-causing, especially if you've lived on your own previously.

People are always going to think they have it harder than you -- if you're happy in this situation who cares what they think

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Thanks. I know you are right but its just annoying

I guess from the outside it looks like we are freeloaders which I guess is what the point was but recently I basically took over my parents' finances and it is SO STRESSFUL and I found out that they are in a bit of trouble and were really in no position to help us out in the first place. So not only am I trying to kind of 'negate' the fact that we are there using their electricity/hot water etc. I am trying to help them out even beyond that. Thank goodness DH is willing to help because I don't know if I would have been willing to do the same if the situation was reversed!!

just sounds like this person has some form of envy for your situation even though from what your saying there is nothing to be envious about. Or this person is hitting a rough patch in her relationship and is taking it out on you.

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Posted by PegaLega

Oh Tilde you are NOT going to like what I am going to say, but YES you dont have real problems when you live with your parents.

DH and I lived with his parents for about 6 months...we paid our OWN way...BUT we never had any problems.

Granted you are helping them which is more then most would do living with their parents but you are still under their roof, they are still having even the smallest affect on the dynamic of your marriage. You dont know it now but you will when you arent around them anymore.

Im not saying you are setting yourself up for anything, Im just saying our real problems didnt occur until after we moved out and were in our own place and DIDNT have anyone to rely on besides ourselves.

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I agree with this....BUT I don't want you to think that I think your problems and stuff aren't so big and important....cause really problems are relative and everyone treats them differently.

You guys are certainly dealing with things more by having to pay your way and help your folks a little bit....but IMHO things are different when you are 100% on your own in your own place with your own things and paying your own bills in your own name and there is no family that is attached to your place that you can go to for things. I'm not trying to come off as mean or anything, but its just how I see things and I can kind of see why your co-worker said that. Was it a bit RUDE of her to say it to her like that? Absolutely!! She didn't have to be such a biotch about it.

Right now if you are running low on groceries and stuff---you can just head downstairs and raid your parents fridge. Or if DH is gone for the nite or annoys you, you can head downstairs to hang with your mom & dad on their couch and watch tv and stuff. (I know you may not DO these things, but its the fact that its an option cause you are in their home, KWIM?)

But I don't think you guys are like 'less married' or anything, but I *slightly* see what the co-worker was (very poorly) trying to say

i dont think its the easy way, infact living with the parents can be harder. You deal with privacy issues, then one person not feeling as comfortable as the other one in their own home. I think one huge problem is when parents get involved in relationships and dont know how to mind their own business, it can cause alot of problems...Hopefully you don't deal with this tilde.

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Posted by ant n tilde


But wouldn't you say that you dealt with DIFFERENT and EQUAL problems? We have a tiny living space. I am always trying to balance between respecting my parents' home AND making DH happy. It can get up to 120 degrees in our little attic. Etc. Maybe our financial issues are less 'serious' even though they ARE present. . . but what I mean is that we are dealing with our own set of issues as well.

Thanks for answering honestly though, I wasn't expecting to read that LOL!

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Yes and No.
Remember they are YOUR parents, not DHs.
I had no issues with my ILs at all....until we left. And even now I really dont but after we were out we realized how easy we actually had it living there. Granted we paid our own bills, but everynow and then his mom would do our laundry, she did the cooking, she took the dog out, she did the grocery shopping etc. Its those little things that even if you do them 9 out of 10 times you are still taking that one time for granted.

And you said exactly where the issue is 'respecting your parents home and making DH happy' DH comes first now, Im not saying run a muck in your parents home~Im just saying that regardless of the actual laid out situation and money plan its still harder when you only can rely on each other.

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Posted by MJDoc12


Right now if you are running low on groceries and stuff---you can just head downstairs and raid your parents fridge. Or if DH is gone for the nite or annoys you, you can head downstairs to hang with your mom & dad on their couch and watch tv and stuff. (I know you may not DO these things, but its the fact that its an option cause you are in their home, KWIM?)

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PIMP I do this stuff all the time

I understand what you guys are saying, I really do. I know it will be different when we are on our own. I think my biggest issue is that first everyone was like 'OMG living with your parents will be so hard' and now its like 'wow you dont have any idea how hard it will be when you move out' LOL just pick one part of my life that you think will be horrible and stick to it already so i can keep track.

Peg I seriously love you for your honesty and Tilde I seriously adore the fact that you can take an honest opinion which is rare on these boards.

I will say, some people may say you have NO problems living with your parents but I dont agree. I think its a different set of problems. My parents were thinking of buying a 2 or 3 family house after they sell their condo so DH and I could move in upstairs and save up to buy our own place instead of rent. While that would be NO stress about paying rent, it would be stress living above my parents because although it would be a seperate living space, I know we would have them knocking on our door every day and making noise would be another issue. Its hard to be an adult and independent still living with the rents IMO.

Tilde,
You are such a kind soul and I wish there was a way to not make these things bother you. As someone who shares a home with my parents there are definate pros and cons. Some are very difficult. But there is nothing wrong with helping your parents out NOR does it mean your life is easy because you are there. It sounds more like this person dosent know how to respect that you are happy and adjusting to the changes life and marriage bring.

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Posted by Espo22

i dont think its the easy way, infact living with the parents can be harder. You deal with privacy issues, then one person not feeling as comfortable as the other one in their own home. I think one huge problem is when parents get involved in relationships and dont know how to mind their own business, it can cause alot of problems...Hopefully you don't deal with this tilde.

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i absolutely agree; we grew up living with my grandparents and it caused a TON of stress on my dad (not his parents) and his relationship with my mom. I told DH that I would never ever live with his mom, even though I love her but she babies him and I would end up resenting it and it would cause tons of problems. just like i wouldn't want to live with my own parents.

and i totally don't think that it's easier living with your parents or that you are freeloading in any way. it was a LOT harder on my dad because in a sense he always ended up taking care of them too like you are, and they depended on him a LOT when he had his own wife and 4 kids to take care of as well.

for you tilde.

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by MJDoc12


Right now if you are running low on groceries and stuff---you can just head downstairs and raid your parents fridge. Or if DH is gone for the nite or annoys you, you can head downstairs to hang with your mom & dad on their couch and watch tv and stuff. (I know you may not DO these things, but its the fact that its an option cause you are in their home, KWIM?)

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PIMP I do this stuff all the time

I understand what you guys are saying, I really do. I know it will be different when we are on our own. I think my biggest issue is that first everyone was like 'OMG living with your parents will be so hard' and now its like 'wow you dont have any idea how hard it will be when you move out' LOL just pick one part of my life that you think will be horrible and stick to it already so i can keep track.

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I totally understand why you'd get mad at people thinking that your life isn't 'hard' or anything cause you live with your parents. Its like they aren't taking your marriage seriously or something and THAT would make me mad as hell! So its okay to be upset by her comments--she was out of line.

Honestly when you do have your own place it will be amazing as well as hard! You will LOVE being able to do whatever you want with DH in your home w/o worrying about stomping too hard and waking up your parents or watching the tv loudly and laughing with friends over at 10 pm! While at the same time you will adjust to not having that security blanket of them being just being a flight of stairs away when you need it...so you will have an adjustment that will be both fun & trying at the same time.

ANY marriage is work--I don't care WHERE you live, so your coworker needs to suuuuuuuuck it

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Posted by MJDoc12

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by MJDoc12


Right now if you are running low on groceries and stuff---you can just head downstairs and raid your parents fridge. Or if DH is gone for the nite or annoys you, you can head downstairs to hang with your mom & dad on their couch and watch tv and stuff. (I know you may not DO these things, but its the fact that its an option cause you are in their home, KWIM?)

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PIMP I do this stuff all the time

I understand what you guys are saying, I really do. I know it will be different when we are on our own. I think my biggest issue is that first everyone was like 'OMG living with your parents will be so hard' and now its like 'wow you dont have any idea how hard it will be when you move out' LOL just pick one part of my life that you think will be horrible and stick to it already so i can keep track.

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I totally understand why you'd get mad at people thinking that your life isn't 'hard' or anything cause you live with your parents. Its like they aren't taking your marriage seriously or something and THAT would make me mad as hell! So its okay to be upset by her comments--she was out of line.

Honestly when you do have your own place it will be amazing as well as hard! You will LOVE being able to do whatever you want with DH in your home w/o worrying about stomping too hard and waking up your parents or watching the tv loudly and laughing with friends over at 10 pm! While at the same time you will adjust to not having that security blanket of them being just being a flight of stairs away when you need it...so you will have an adjustment that will be both fun & trying at the same time.

ANY marriage is work--I don't care WHERE you live, so your coworker needs to suuuuuuuuck it

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Yeah it is like she doesnt take me seriously. I am NOT playing house here and I don't want to seem ungrateful I know that I am not living on the streets or anything either. I am not sure what I am trying to say LOL!

Thanks everyone for answering but man you sure took the wind out of my vent sails. . .

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Posted by ant n tilde


Yeah it is like she doesnt take me seriously. I am NOT playing house here and I don't want to seem ungrateful I know that I am not living on the streets or anything either. I am not sure what I am trying to say LOL!

Thanks everyone for answering but man you sure took the wind out of my vent sails. . .

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See thats what would really annoy me. Part of me feels like people reply so rudely due to jealousy. The fact that youre talking about how happy you are and she feels the need to bring it down somehow.

ew. I hate people who tell someone their problems or situations are not real or not as important. They are your personal situations and no one has any right to compare it to their own because they do no live your life. That really just bugs me!

BTW- DH's parents live in a two family with his grandparents. they are still happily married 30 years later...

My grandma and grandpa lived with my great grandma for awhile and before that the grandparents lived across the street. they have been married for like 64 years or something close to that. So Im doubting it ruined their marriage!