Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

I am posting this question on here because now that we are married we may have a different perspective on things.

Here goes:

Our best man has been dating a woman off and on for 5 years. I really like this woman- she is intelligent, hard working, motivated, focused and a strong no nonsense taking person.

Well she REALLY wants to marry our friend. She has made this clear from day one. Our friend really wants to marry her as well, but he is very much financially strapped- ok he has the worst credit in history and cannot afford to buy a ring, is still in school and has a host of other things going on. He has told her on many of occasions that she is the one, and without a doubt he wants to marry her,he just needs to get his financial situation in order first.

She is not accepting this- she has given ultimatums and threats.

Now if you were in this situation would you wait around or grow frustrated and walk out?

Their ages are 30 (him) 32 (her).

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

First off, I would never want my marriage to be the result of an ultimatum. period.
I would never threaten anyone to marry me 'or else'. So I have to say, I think that is wrong approach...

With that being said, if the only thing holding them back from marriage is finances, would she (or he) be willing to do without the Diamond ring and just have a civil ceremony?
Then when their finances were straight, they could re-new their vows and have a reception??

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

I think for many women, having a family is a huge priority. So if she is 30 and still isnt even engaged - she is probably feeling the biological clock. Plus, if her husband is not financially 'in order' at age 32, its probably quite a long way away before he ever gets there well enough to support a family. So I think there may be more than just the 'she wants to be married' concept.

If she really wants to be married, why doesnt she get married at city hall without a ring? A marriage license does not cost much.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

I would never give anyone an ultimatum, and I'd be so proud if the man I love was trying to better himself. I'd take a cracker jack ring if it meant a commitment from the man I loved!!

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

This is difficult but if I was in that situation with Enzo I would have definetly waited. If I saw that nothing was being done to better his situation for us to be together then I would have to think twice. Since he is really trying to do what he can to be with me then I would stay by his side and help him as much as I can. I think it really all depends.


ETA: I would never ever threaten or do anything like your friend is doing in order to get married. Things don't get done with a snap of the finger.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

From my conversations with her, it seems as though she wants to whole kit and kaboodle- ring, wedding and all.

Also, I forgot to add she has a child from a previous situation and wants to have another one too.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

Sounds like she isn't being too realistic about her situation....

It seems like she wants the 'whole kit-n-kaboodle' more than she wants the Man.

JMO though, of course I don't know her....

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

I agree with Sage.

The marriage isn't about the kit-and-kaboodle.. the wedding is.

If she really wants to make a life with this man, then she wouldn't care what his financial situation was.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

This can be a weird situation. I don't believe in ultimatums, but if you are dating someone for years and you both agree that you want to start a life together, nothing should get in the way of that - not a job, ring, credit etc. I think that they are both at a mature age where they can sit and discuss what they want to do to move forward. I just hate hearing when couples are stuck in this mode and the woman begins to feel desparate and the man is dragging his feet.

If she doesn't mind having a civil ceremony and maybe a just a wedding band and he can take a day out of his schedule then they can get married and start their lives.

I hate when people are waiting for absolutes when it comes to marriage. If they love one another they should COMMUNICATE THEIR TRUE FEELINGS and WORK together as a couple and get things started.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

I'm not belittling her needs and wants because I think we all love our diamond rings, our formal receptions, and our indulgent honeymoons, but at this point she may have to do some serious thinking about what's more important. If she waits for him to be able to afford all that comes with a formal wedding she may find serious problems when TTC. That's if she doesn't first lose her patience with him, give up and in the end waste a lot of years on someone who's taking an awfully long time to be the self sufficient man she really desires.

I agree with those who said she should consider a civil ceremony. Also, she seems to have her act together financially-can they split the cost of the ring? How much of a formal wedding can she pay? Can she spring for a destination wedding? They're not terribly expensive (at least compared to a formal wedding) and they can combine the wedding with the honeymoon. They both sound like they need a vacation anyway.

I wish her luck. I wouldn't want to be in her situation.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

I think these type of problems happen to a lot of couples, and some of them can work them out, and other can't...it depends on priorities and expectations.

I think it's unfair to say that 'if she really cared for the man, his financial situation wouldn't matter.' The truth is, when you get married, your spouse's financial situation has a direct impact on your life....so, even if you do not 'share' bank accounts and such, you will still be directly effected by the other person's bad credit, debt, etc. These become your marital issues/problems down the road. Love can conquer alot, but it can't conquer all as 'they say.' JMO.

That said, I totally agree with Sage (Jessica) regarding the ultimatum thing...I would *never* tell someone to 'marry me or else.' Why would you want to spend your life with someone that you had to arm wrestle to the alter?? That is foolish and to me, is the recipe for resentment and unhappiness later on.

It sounds to me like these two people just has different priorities and sadly, despite how they feel about each other, may have to go separate ways. Timing is everything in life, and if you aren't 'on the same page' with your partner at the same time, it is VERY difficult to make it work....someone will always feel like they are giving up something, or sacrificing their own hopes/desires/dreams to make the other happy. That is not a marriage/relationship built on equality or mutual respect for each others hopes and dreams.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

Claud: I could not agree with what you said more!

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

It is a tricky situation.

I try not to have too many discussions with her about this because she always hints that I dated my DH for too long( we have been together 10 1/2 years) and she does not see that for her.

She is financially secure, but I sense she has some old fashioned values where she thinks the man should put out.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

I just read the fact that she wants a ring, wedding etc.! OKAY now that explains things! First of all, I have been noticing a trend in women who have men who are not financially secure YET they want the universe and everything that surrounds it! I think it is so unfair when women see the financial situation of their man and still insist on him doing buying rings, paying for lavish expensive weddings, honeymoon etc, if he can't handle it! I have seen this MANY times over and I'll tell ya, it sometimes makes the man want to not walk, but RUN in the opposite direction.

I think every woman deserves the best, and if as a couple you can both come together to make it work then it's great, but if you are on cloud nine and he's standing down on earth with his arms folded and you don't give a dam about how he feels, then the marriage is doomed from the beginning. Communication, mutual respect and consideration for one another is VERY important in a marriage - especially if you want a lasting one!

I say all of this to say - tell your girlfriend she needs to get her head out of the clouds and look at the situation for what it is!

Good luck to her and him!

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

Claud, my Dh said that same thing about being on the same page, he used that exact phrase.

Right now they are 'off' but still communicating, so we will wait and see what happens.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

Love cannot be mailed to Con Ed or Cablevision. She has to be realistic. Men have egos and none of them want to go in to a marriage with the idea that she is bailing me out, she needs to consider his feelings and the situation they are in. Such a shame she is in such a rush. I wish them both the best. Ultimatum and threats will never work.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

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Posted by shamma

Love cannot be mailed to Con Ed or Cablevision. She has to be realistic.

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So true, but so funny!!!

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

I can see where the older woman would want to get her life going, but why with a person in such debt? I'd like to say I'd be able to wait but I don't know.

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

my sister was the queen of ultimatums, b/c she wanted to get married...and it ended up breaking off every relationship...


when she finally met the right person - they both knew they wanted the same thing...'were on the same page' She didn't want a diamond (he did...and got a small one for her to wear)

Re: Would you have accepted a promise to be engaged?

Since I've got something to say about each of these, I'll address individually:

Finances: It could take him several years to clean up his credit and he could be asking too much by asking her to wait five or so years. Also, if she is willing to assume his debt/bad credit (which is what she'll do if they get married), then that should not be an impediment to their getting married. Also, she'd have to forego an extravagant wedding.

Ultimatum: Personally, I think they are misunderstood. In my opinion, women, much more than men, make sacrafices for the sake of a relationship. I feel that society coddles men ('give them space', etc.) and it is the women who suffer for it, for example, by having to start families later in life than they would have wanted to. I feel that by giving an ultimatum, a woman is standing up for herself and not punishing a man.

Edited to say: As for ultimatums, a woman who makes one without expecting the worst is a silly person who is bound for disappointment.