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Re: cultural differences?

I am puerto-rican and DH is jewish so the holdiay celebration seems to have doubled which isn't so bad! Both our families are very laxed in religion & cultures so it's not really too much of an adjustment yet but I figure our cultural differences will be more obvious when we have children.

Re: cultural differences?

You've posted to the right girl DH is English, and I'm American (and Italian American at that! ). We've always had little arguments over food. DH likes to cook, and so do I, but we have big disagreements on how things are supposed to be made - English and Italian cuisine are probably the farthest from each other than any others!!!!

We're living in London for a while now - I'm doing it so that we can move back to NY when we're ready to settle down and ahve . Actually, DH probably has more problems with my family being overbearing than I have with his. I have a very close extended family on my mothers side - aunts and uncles, cousins, grandmother, etc. It's 16 people whether we're having THanksgiving dinner or pizza on a Friday night. DH's family is his mom, his brother and SIL and his dad (who has remarried and has a son and a daughter) that's it!!! And his brother and SIL keep to themselves most of the time (they spent Xmas on their own last year because they couldn't be bothered to figure out hwo to see everyone, so they saw no one) and he doesn't see his dad very often.

Not that DH has any problems with my family, he actually really likes it, but I can see how it would be difficult for him. I'm very attached to them and he doesn't feel the same about his, so I've been dragging him to NY probably more than he'd like.

Re: cultural differences?

I am panamanian and dh is Italian.

It works because we are so americanized.... No kids yet, but I tell you one thing, I don't think, I can ever cook for his family-(parents). Way too intimidated to make homemade italian food. I do it for him and he loves it. I enjoy all of there celebrations and happy that we are both catholic

Re: cultural differences?

DH and I are inter-culturally married. DH is half Japanese (father) and half Lithuanian (mother). I am Chinese American. We incorporated our cultural backgrounds into our wedding day as much as possible. We had 2 wedding cakes, one from our reception caterer and the other was a traditional Lithuanian wedding cake which was a generous gift from DH's aunt who was very generous to share it with our 150 guests. We also had a blessing given by both sets of our parents for us to dip a piece of rye bread into salt and drink red wine. Bread symbolizes that there will also be food on the table, salt for the bitterness of life, and wine for the sweetness of life in our marriage. I also wore Chinese bridal jewelry.

Re: cultural differences?

Im American (Irish Descent) and DH is from Trinidad..the culture difference was mostly with his family..they are wonderful people..just do things a bit differently..took some adjusting too..but its good now!

Re: cultural differences?

I'm a practicing Reform Jew and DH is a non-practicing Conservative Jew.

And yes, that IS intercultural, dammit!


Our main differences come from the fact that Conservative and Orthodox Jews tend to look down on Reform Jews as 'Not really being Jewish' (at least in some of my experiences - this of course does NOT apply to even all the Conservative and Orthodox Jews I've met because Jax430 and LBF404 R0XX0R!!!). So even though DH doesn't actually PRACTICE many of our customs, he tends to criticise the way I choose to practice.

For example - I have an absolutely beautiful Menorah that is in the shape of a tree. All the candles are branches, and the main candle - the shamash - is at the roots. Adam went on and on about how it was a 'Non-Kosher Menorah' (which is absolutely rediculous) and how it wasn't good enough. This from the man who's Mother gave me OREO COOKIES after a Passover Seder, when we're not allowed to have bread products and the like.

So I think that if you marry someone outside of your immediate family, you're going to have problems like this. I don't think it even extends to different cultures!

Re: cultural differences?

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Posted by PrincessRose

I'm a practicing Reform Jew and DH is a non-practicing Conservative Jew.

And yes, that IS intercultural, dammit!


Our main differences come from the fact that Conservative and Orthodox Jews tend to look down on Reform Jews as 'Not really being Jewish' (at least in some of my experiences - this of course does NOT apply to even all the Conservative and Orthodox Jews I've met because Jax430 and LBF404 R0XX0R!!!). So even though DH doesn't actually PRACTICE many of our customs, he tends to criticise the way I choose to practice.

For example - I have an absolutely beautiful Menorah that is in the shape of a tree. All the candles are branches, and the main candle - the shamash - is at the roots. Adam went on and on about how it was a 'Non-Kosher Menorah' (which is absolutely rediculous) and how it wasn't good enough. This from the man who's Mother gave me OREO COOKIES after a Passover Seder, when we're not allowed to have bread products and the like.

So I think that if you marry someone outside of your immediate family, you're going to have problems like this. I don't think it even extends to different cultures!

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Rachel, I have to agree with you about all the intercultural differences within the Jewish faith. I KNOW LBF404 can speak for that too. Now, DH and I are both from Conservative Jewish families - and even THEN, there are so many differences in the way we practice (like the degree of kosher we observe) !! I think that even within the same culture, there are so many differences in practice and tradition that it takes compromise and adaptation no matter what.

Re: cultural differences?

My DH was born in puerto rico, I am Irish, we met in high school and neither family thought this would last, but we did!!! Our families are not alike at all. I have actually seen DH sit at his mom's table and say the words 'serve me' and his mom and sister jump at the chance. I sit there with my mouth open, not only did he say serve me, but he did not even say please, and why can't he make his own plate? He only pulls this act when we are with his family, so of course the family talks about me, how I am not domestic(which I am, just nobody's servant) and how I am lazy and make him wash his own dishes and he helps with laundry. DH is a hard worker and a full time student, but I pull my 40 hr week too, plus an 1.5 commute. So I try, and try, then I went to MIL's house for thanksgiving, I made 2 different kinds of flan, got the recipe from online, practiced for 2 weeks making it. and I made rice and beans, brought the items to MIL's nobody touched them. It hurt my feelings so bad. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. When we have kids, I don't want my kids to feel left out, or talked about, I took dance for many years, they claim I have no rythem. I am either too skinny with no but, or too big. They make fun of me when I wear shorts because my legs are white, and they talk about how gross freckles are(which I am covered. ) DH fights back and on occasion made MIL cry, I don't know why it is such an issue. MIL tells me she prays that I will have dark children, my parents would never say anything like that. Needless to say I have not spoke to MIL since thanksgiving when she announced to her 35 relatives that she feels I have a drinking problem, lol, since I am irish.

Re: cultural differences?

what the hell? that is horrible!!!!
I have to tell you, I'm spanish and I know how a spanish family can be, but OMG they are too much!
Don't take anything from them

Re: cultural differences?

I totally agree that even within the same culture there are differences. My DH's family is a lot less observant than my family is (they are reform and my family is orthodox). DH's family is very resentful towards orthodox Jews, and planning the wedding was a very complacated nightmare. I believe that the most important thing is to respect others' beliefs while still being true to yourself

Re: cultural differences?

I'm a Jamaican Jew (converted) and my DH is an atheist Jew, so yeah, there are some differences.

In the theme of the original post, DH's family is a LOT more emotional than mine, they call all the time, they say 'I love you' to me - which is really sweet, but weird for me since they're my in-laws. His dad hugs him all the time, and they invite us over there every Friday. They wear their hearts on their sleves, and DH and his brother are basically the center of their lives. They also fight like crazy at minor annoyances, but make up very quickly.

My family is a LOT larger, so we don't call nearly as much, I am NOT the center of my family's life, we are poorer, so the house is smaller with a lot of kids running around when you get there. We don't fight at alll, but when we do we don't talk about it. Just a lot more people - my family is a community, his is very small.

But honestly, our families get along fine, and (now) we get along fine with both of them. We've done a lot of work (me and his family a LOT more than him and mine - they loved him since day 1).

Re: cultural differences?

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Posted by Janice

My DH was born in puerto rico, I am Irish, we met in high school and neither family thought this would last, but we did!!! Our families are not alike at all. I have actually seen DH sit at his mom's table and say the words 'serve me' and his mom and sister jump at the chance. I sit there with my mouth open, not only did he say serve me, but he did not even say please, and why can't he make his own plate? He only pulls this act when we are with his family, so of course the family talks about me, how I am not domestic(which I am, just nobody's servant) and how I am lazy and make him wash his own dishes and he helps with laundry. DH is a hard worker and a full time student, but I pull my 40 hr week too, plus an 1.5 commute. So I try, and try, then I went to MIL's house for thanksgiving, I made 2 different kinds of flan, got the recipe from online, practiced for 2 weeks making it. and I made rice and beans, brought the items to MIL's nobody touched them. It hurt my feelings so bad. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. When we have kids, I don't want my kids to feel left out, or talked about, I took dance for many years, they claim I have no rythem. I am either too skinny with no but, or too big. They make fun of me when I wear shorts because my legs are white, and they talk about how gross freckles are(which I am covered. ) DH fights back and on occasion made MIL cry, I don't know why it is such an issue. MIL tells me she prays that I will have dark children, my parents would never say anything like that. Needless to say I have not spoke to MIL since thanksgiving when she announced to her 35 relatives that she feels I have a drinking problem, lol, since I am irish.

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Janice, you, your DH and your kids will be better off without this woman in your life! I can't believe she would be so disrespectful and mean to you! People like that are sad and pathetic. You concentrate on yourself, your relationship with your husband, and let your MIL wallow in the sad little world that she occupies.

Re: cultural differences?

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Posted by PrincessRose



For example - I have an absolutely beautiful Menorah that is in the shape of a tree. All the candles are branches, and the main candle - the shamash - is at the roots.

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OMG, I think I have this one too! Is it the Tree of Life Menorah?

Re: cultural differences?

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Posted by Janice

My DH was born in puerto rico, I am Irish, we met in high school and neither family thought this would last, but we did!!! Our families are not alike at all. I have actually seen DH sit at his mom's table and say the words 'serve me' and his mom and sister jump at the chance. I sit there with my mouth open, not only did he say serve me, but he did not even say please, and why can't he make his own plate? He only pulls this act when we are with his family, so of course the family talks about me, how I am not domestic(which I am, just nobody's servant) and how I am lazy and make him wash his own dishes and he helps with laundry. DH is a hard worker and a full time student, but I pull my 40 hr week too, plus an 1.5 commute. So I try, and try, then I went to MIL's house for thanksgiving, I made 2 different kinds of flan, got the recipe from online, practiced for 2 weeks making it. and I made rice and beans, brought the items to MIL's nobody touched them. It hurt my feelings so bad. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. When we have kids, I don't want my kids to feel left out, or talked about, I took dance for many years, they claim I have no rythem. I am either too skinny with no but, or too big. They make fun of me when I wear shorts because my legs are white, and they talk about how gross freckles are(which I am covered. ) DH fights back and on occasion made MIL cry, I don't know why it is such an issue. MIL tells me she prays that I will have dark children, my parents would never say anything like that. Needless to say I have not spoke to MIL since thanksgiving when she announced to her 35 relatives that she feels I have a drinking problem, lol, since I am irish.

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Spanish people can be wicked!!!! They love boccinca..(sp) gossip . You have to learn to ignore them. My mom makes jokes with my DH and he got so offended to the point he thought she was being racist. Yes, believe it or not, I had to tell him, hey spanish people makes PLENTY OF jokes. All kind of jokes. That is just the way they are. But, your MIL is definitely off the hook. O yea..one thing spanish men loved to be served. My dad was the king of the house, anything he said, wanted, my mom jumped up high . I am not raised that way, I maybe old fashion, but I serve no one, only myself..and DH on occasions. They can also, be funny/weird with food too. Sorry!

Re: cultural differences?

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Posted by nsgraham

I'm a Jamaican Jew (converted) and my DH is an atheist Jew, so yeah, there are some differences.

In the theme of the original post, DH's family is a LOT more emotional than mine, they call all the time, they say 'I love you' to me - which is really sweet, but weird for me since they're my in-laws. His dad hugs him all the time, and they invite us over there every Friday. They wear their hearts on their sleves, and DH and his brother are basically the center of their lives. They also fight like crazy at minor annoyances, but make up very quickly.

My family is a LOT larger, so we don't call nearly as much, I am NOT the center of my family's life, we are poorer, so the house is smaller with a lot of kids running around when you get there. We don't fight at alll, but when we do we don't talk about it. Just a lot more people - my family is a community, his is very small.

But honestly, our families get along fine, and (now) we get along fine with both of them. We've done a lot of work (me and his family a LOT more than him and mine - they loved him since day 1).

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Nadine,

Dh family loves to tell us....how much they love us and miss us as well. I find it strange as well. There are alot of kissing on the cheek. When, I first met them, of course everyone was waiting for our arrival (I don't care what anyone said-they all looked anxious)...then his aunt grabbed by the hand and took me around the room on x-mas..introduced me to every and anything at that room, I swear, I never got kissed on my cheek, like that. I was so shocked. I would always remember, what my Future sisterIL told me, 'She was happy that I was there, since I got all of the attention. They left her alone. '. THis was her first time, too meeting the whole entire family. She had already knew the parents.

Re: cultural differences?

to my benefit, my DH is not a mama's boy at all. We really have a wonderful marriage, we met when I was 14 and just clicked. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17, so at 16 he got a job where I worked, and at 17 we started dating. I never want to hurt DH, because he gets it pretty bad from his family too. Everyone in his family, cousins and aunts included, have married all Puerto Ricans, I am the first white person in the family. So at times they refer to my DH as white boy. Which I think is horrible. They think he is a race trader, which is funny to me.

Re: cultural differences?

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Posted by Janice

to my benefit, my DH is not a mama's boy at all. We really have a wonderful marriage, we met when I was 14 and just clicked. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17, so at 16 he got a job where I worked, and at 17 we started dating. I never want to hurt DH, because he gets it pretty bad from his family too. Everyone in his family, cousins and aunts included, have married all Puerto Ricans, I am the first white person in the family. So at times they refer to my DH as white boy. Which I think is horrible. They think he is a race trader, which is funny to me.

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You see Janice...all fun and games....

Re: cultural differences?

we are seperated by plenty of states

Re: cultural differences?

Nadine,

Yes - that's the one! I have had the small version of it for years, and my mom got us the full size version for an engagement present.

You've got good taste!