06er in disguise with a problem

I'm sorry to have to do this, but I just feel like I cant post this under my real screen name. I am getting married in 2006, and have planned most of the wedding by myself with my fiance's help. But this is not 'the' problem, it goes much deeper.
First, I am not speaking to my father at the present time and haven't for 2 months, he is an a$$hole, and has been my whole life. I do still live with both my parents.
Second, my mother's hands are tied because my father is so domineering and she is afraid of him. She cant give us any money at all, and she cant come with me to find a dress.
Third, my FSIL doesn't talk to me at all. I have no idea what her problem is. She had the wedding of all weddings and has never asked me a thing about my planning. She still refers to me as FI's girlfriend. AND, she is supposed to be a bridesmaid. FI's mother has asked him on numerous occasions if he is ready to get married.
Fourth, and possibly the most upsetting is that my sister is mentally ill. She has been for the past 4 years. She wants to be the maid of honor, but she doesn't understand what one is. Additonally, one of my best friends was killed in a car accident a few years ago, and I feel lost without her sometimes. I know I have 2 very close friends that would step in in a pinch to help me on 'the day' but I don't even know if she will be up to being in the wedding at all that day. Also, my FI's brother and sister do not know her and that she is sick. Neither do his friends. They can be VERY judgemental and mean. Sometimes I get so scared that I want to call the whole thing off and just elope. I have 2 people who are happy enough to help me with stuff and talk about my wedding, but unfortunately I feel like no one cares. I am so sad about this.

Wow, I am so sorry about all these things you are trying to deal with. I am very bad with serious situations so I will just give you a few of these:

..This must be so hard for you right now...I want to help and give you advice however please take it with a grain of salt since I don't know the parties involved so it's hard..so here is what I can suggest based on your problem.

1) Your sister. I had someone who was disabled in my family and felt weird being opened about it so I can relate. Does your FH know about her? I am hoping he does at this stage. If this is the case I would talk to him about how you feel. I think it is his place to mention to his family. I also don't think it would hurt for you to mention her from time to time in their company.

2) Your father. It is clear that there is control over your mom. Therefore talking to your mom about the situation is not going to work or be effective. What I think you should do, based on what you just said is to set up a time with your dad, just the two of your where you can talk and get everything out in the open. It sounds like he may be a bit on the old school side. If I am right, you need to know now that you will probably never see eye to eye on many things, but there has to be a middle ground and a way to calm things. the bottom line is he is your father and I'm sure he loves you.

3) Your future SIL...all too well I know this...their not into the wedding..never ask how things are going etc.. end of the day..who gives a ****. Honestly you are right to be hurt but they do not need to be your best friend. If they are not active in your planning it is not the worst thing. It *****, however, every bride does not always get great inlaws..I'm sure there are many on this site who have their share of issues.

4) Future mother in law regarding your FH being ready...this is his argument with her..i would try to not take it personal. As long as the two of you love each other and know your on the correct path, everyone else will adapt. She may just be nervous for him etc.

Again, after reading this I wanted to help. I hope this has in a way. But my suggestions are purely speculations.

Good luck

-s

I am so sorry you have to go through this-

Is there a way your mom can be involved without your dad knowing or finding out? As far as looking for a dress and doing the typical mother/daughter things during wedding time...

Can I ask why you and your dad arent speaking? I know you said he has been a jerk for your life...BUT what specifically happened 2 months ago that you arent talking to him?

Does your Fh speak to Sister/sister in law?(i dont know which it is?

If so, maybe he can find out what he problem is...and you can all sit and get it all out...

As for people judging your sister...thats not right, if people want to be rude to someone close to you---your sister its wrong and should be stopped...I wouldnt stress too much cause sometimes even the most judgemental people have some couth about them and keep their nasty thoughts to themselves..maybe have FH tell them so they arent surprised, but i couldnt imagine them doing/saying anything terrible to her or you

All i can say is that I hope it all works out and please Fm/post any time

lots of and

i am soo sorry you have to deal with all of this. you need to rise above everyone else, let them be unhappy in their lives, this is your most wonderful day and YOU need to be happy above all else. i know, dealing with all those issues is unbelievabley hard, i dont get along too well with my father and i hardly speak to him at all and it stinks that at this amazing time of planning a weddding you dont have him to talk to.
about your sister.. mental illness can be a sad thing, i work with mentally ill people all day long and it saddens me. but she is your sister, who cares what everyone else thinks, if they are that small minded they are far worse off than anyone. see how she is feeling closer to your wedding day, maybe shell be feeling up to it that day and she can be part of it.
i know it soo hard to loose a close/best friend and i know at this time you are missing her more than usual.
your fsil doesnt seem too happy in her own life or maybe she is just a selfish person not to ask about your planning. and forget about your fmil maybe she is just sad about 'losing' her son, some moms get like that with their sons, although i can see how damn frustrating that can be.
ABOVE all else, this is gonna be your day, not any of theirs and you need to look back and say you had a fabulous time regardless of everyone else and i am sure you're best friend will be looking down with a huge smile on her face the day of your wedding and believe it or not i am sure she has been included in the planning, if only just watching over you. and if you need anything, please fm me, we are all here for you, good luck!!

---

Third, my FSIL doesn't talk to me at all. I have no idea what her problem is. She had the wedding of all weddings and has never asked me a thing about my planning. She still refers to me as FI's girlfriend. AND, she is supposed to be a bridesmaid.

---

Oh boy do I hear you on that one. My FSIL won't even call me the aunt of her child even though I was there for his birth and all major events..not to mention we've been together for a really long time. Her wedding was huge and wonderful and I wish she'd help me out a bit more..

Hang in there..

It's times like these that I consider myself extremely lucky to have the family that I do, and that's including my FILs, as they have been so incredibly great to me.

I can't offer much advice, but I do agree that a talk with your father would be ideal. It'll be tough, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Be strong and just remember that it's about you and your FI, not your dad, your mom or your FSIL.

Do you talk with your FI about this?

---

Posted by sea

..This must be so hard for you right now...I want to help and give you advice however please take it with a grain of salt since I don't know the parties involved so it's hard..so here is what I can suggest based on your problem.

1) Your sister. I had someone who was disabled in my family and felt weird being opened about it so I can relate. Does your FH know about her? I am hoping he does at this stage. If this is the case I would talk to him about how you feel. I think it is his place to mention to his family. I also don't think it would hurt for you to mention her from time to time in their company.

2) Your father. It is clear that there is control over your mom. Therefore talking to your mom about the situation is not going to work or be effective. What I think you should do, based on what you just said is to set up a time with your dad, just the two of your where you can talk and get everything out in the open. It sounds like he may be a bit on the old school side. If I am right, you need to know now that you will probably never see eye to eye on many things, but there has to be a middle ground and a way to calm things. the bottom line is he is your father and I'm sure he loves you.

3) Your future SIL...all too well I know this...their not into the wedding..never ask how things are going etc.. end of the day..who gives a ****. Honestly you are right to be hurt but they do not need to be your best friend. If they are not active in your planning it is not the worst thing. It *****, however, every bride does not always get great inlaws..I'm sure there are many on this site who have their share of issues.

4) Future mother in law regarding your FH being ready...this is his argument with her..i would try to not take it personal. As long as the two of you love each other and know your on the correct path, everyone else will adapt. She may just be nervous for him etc.

Again, after reading this I wanted to help. I hope this has in a way. But my suggestions are purely speculations.

Good luck

-s

---

I just wanted to add that this is incredibly well said...

Have you spoken to your FH about this recently? I'm sure he knows that these things bother you but he might not realize how upset you really are by them.

First off, so sorry you're going through all this. I feel bad you felt the need to disguise yourself - but of course respect your privacy.

I was at a wedding where the MOH was the disabled sister of the bride, and it was very sweet and touching. FM me if you want to know details.

Bottom line is that you DO have people who care, and who better to turn to than your FH? This is about the two of you and your wedding, maybe he can lift your spirits and offer better advice since he knows the situations you speak of. If nothing else, he can give you a real live to make you feel loved again!

Hang in there!!!

I just wanted to offer a hug, I think the other girls have given great advice. I hope things turn out ok!

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I know what it's like to not really have parental support. My parents have not helped at all.

About your sister, I am a psychiatric social worker and work all day every day with mentally ill people. It is so difficult to cope with the fact that your sister is mentally ill. I cannot imagine how hard it must be on your family. However, depending on her mental illness, she may be able to help you and be the MOH. I have worked with plenty of mentally ill people who, with help and guidance, have done amazing things. You may want to allow her to help you with the planning so that she feels a part of this and you can make sure things go well. If FI's family want to talk about your sister and degrade her for her illness (something that she had no control over) then screw them. I am sorry to sound mean but she is your sister and has done nothing wrong. If people cannot understand this, then you really don't need to have a relationship with them.

I agree that you should try to talk to your father and come to some sort of conculsion. Also talk to your mom and see if there is any way she can help, even if it means doing it when your father is around.

It is wonderful that you have 2 friends that want to help you. The best advice I can offer it let them help! Invite them dress shopping and ask for their advice. They love you and let them show it to you.

I offer you lots of
We are here for you!

I just wanted to offer you some hugs. I'm sorry that you are dealing with so much while trying to plan your wedding at the same time! The advice offered by the girls here has been very well stated. I hope that some of it helped you, and I hope you know that we are always here to listen!

Im so sorry you feel this way However your sister is your sister and if you have to worry about people you will be linked to for the rest of your life maybe you should think about the whole situation. What does your FI think about all of this? Is he supportive? Im sorry for your loss of a good friend too because god knows they are few and far between. I would just take some time out and follow your heart. I know it's not the same but you have all of us here who are more then happy to help you and listen/chat about your wedding.

I know it's hard to be going through these things right now. Family is a package deal that doesn't always fit into each other well when trying to combine them.

I do think you should speak to your dad. it sounds like you have more of HIS personality in you than he would like- maybe you stand up for yourself and others more than say your mom- this of course is pure speculation on my part- but I think you should use that to your advantage and invite your dad to sit down and call a truce. if he is controlling, imagine how hard it must be to lose his daughter- especially when another suffers from something he can do nothing to help or cure. Not trying to garner sympathy points for him, but just trying to give you an idea of an angle to work with. you should have your mom involved and he shouldn't come between that.

I do think it would be nice for your sister to be involved, but it does depend on her illness and her ability to perform. I have a very close friend with bipolar disorder and she is very involved in my wedding. she's on medication and has her good and bad days, but nothing to prevent her from being involved. the only reason she's not in my bp is that I am keeping it family only.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, but you seem to have 2 friends that want to fill her shoes for you- let them. it's time you did so and you could use the help.

sometimes we find the diamonds in the rough when we find our FH's- their families being the rough...they really want nothing to do with my wedding or planning- so I say screw them. they are judgemental too, and again I say screw them. spewing venom into the world in such a form will just make THEM more miserable- let them choke on it! Remember, God does not like ugly.

this is long, but the other thing I wanted to express is that I know how difficult it must be for you to express such personal situations to us, but please do not feel that you will be judged on these boards- we are all here to help each other- you can talk under any screename you wish- we protect our own on this board.

lot's of hugs!