A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Original post by marymoon

May 24, 2005 11:25 AM

Now this is bizairre. Mny of you know my in laws are nuts. They relaly go out fo our way to make our lives miserable and we just don't know what to do. FH said he wanted to ask them to come to 'family therapy' with us (it would be the 4 of us, his parents and us). I think that's just off the wall. THEY need the therapy. 'Family therapy' should have been his paprents, him and his sister YEARS ago. Now that FH is not living at home and his sister is married and moved away, I didn't think people went to 'family therapy' with people they don't even live with. I think they could use some help for their mental problems, and short of that maybe FH and I should go to counseling to try to learn some coping skils, but I've never heard of grown children going to counseling with parents. HAs anyone ever heard of this before? Does anyone have an opinion on this. I'm almost willing to try anything, but I honestly don;'t even want to look them in the face, nor do I want to go somewhere to be verbally abused by them some more in front of a therapist, because I'm seriously never going to say what I want to say to them. They got to say what they wanted about me and I'm done with them, abut trust me, if they heard my REAL opinion about them, they'd hate me even more.

marymoon Posted: May 24, 2005 12:06 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

It was a joke! I have to joke to get through this, trust me. Of course I'd like the situation to be better, or else I wouldn't have posted at all. It's just with every encounter it seems more and more hopeless.

june262004 Posted: May 24, 2005 12:08 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Posted by marymoon

It was a joke! I have to joke to get through this, trust me. Of course I'd like the situation to be better, or else I wouldn't have posted at all. It's just with every encounter it seems more and more hopeless.

and Thats WHY THERAPY is a GOOD idea

Jan05Bride Posted: May 24, 2005 12:09 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

you cannot always make people see what they do ... but if you look inside yourself and see what you do to add to the situation and find ways fix your side it may get better. ETA: I'm not saying it's your fault at all .. but we can ony control our actions not anyone elses and if you want to continue to have a relationship with them then you have to find a way to make it work for you.

RedHead Posted: May 24, 2005 12:10 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Posted by Jan05Bride

you cannot always make people see what they do ... but if you look inside yourself and see what you do to add to the situation and find ways fix your side it may get better.

VERY TRUE!!!

marymoon Posted: May 24, 2005 12:15 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

You're absolutely right. I just feel like we do the best we can. We apoogize for things we didn't do, or things we didn't feel were wrong. We go toe vents we don't want to go to, we act respectful to everyone. We've tried so many times to make up with his sister and BIL, and that nevr worked, and we really worked hard to keep the relationship with his parents going the way it was, which was ok. We were all really fine with it. We saw them, but it was limited and everyone was happy. Now his mother just decided to lash out at me and my mother also saying the most horrible things you can imagine, and I just don't know how to forgive her for that.

june262004 Posted: May 24, 2005 12:16 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Posted by marymoon

You're absolutely right. I just feel like we do the best we can. We apoogize for things we didn't do, or things we didn't feel were wrong. We go toe vents we don't want to go to, we act respectful to everyone. We've tried so many times to make up with his sister and BIL, and that nevr worked, and we really worked hard to keep the relationship with his parents going the way it was, which was ok. We were all really fine with it. We saw them, but it was limited and everyone was happy. Now his mother just decided to lash out at me and my mother also saying the most horrible things you can imagine, and I just don't know how to forgive her for that.

again this is why Therapy is a GOOD idea.

marymoon Posted: May 24, 2005 12:18 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Don't you think it could possibly make it WORSE? They'd just spou out more nad more BS and we'd have to hear AGAIN how bad we are, and they'd bring up things from 5 years ago. It just mkaes me feel terrified, the idea of subjecting myself to that.

marymoon Posted: May 24, 2005 12:19 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

I'm not siagreeing. i think you're all right., But I'm TERIFIED, and I don't think you're realzing how crazy these people are. That it's not just the classic case of a MIL not liking her DIL

june262004 Posted: May 24, 2005 12:20 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Posted by marymoon

Don't you think it could possibly make it WORSE? They'd just spou out more nad more BS and we'd have to hear AGAIN how bad we are, and they'd bring up things from 5 years ago. It just mkaes me feel terrified, the idea of subjecting myself to that.

No I don't think it will be worse. Ya and they WILL do that BUT their will be a profesional there to sit through and help you all out with it. Its good to get things out on the table.

lilmrs Posted: May 24, 2005 12:24 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

The way I see it is this, you have only TWO choices....live your life FOREVER with this messed up relationship with your inlaw's

OR

DO SOMEthing, ANYthing, to make an improvement to it now..before it gets worse.
Yes, I do believe it can get worse.
If you love your FH, you will realize these people are his parents and do EVERYthing you can to help you all become a family.

ETA choice three....
Sever all ties with them. If FH won't do this, and he understands that will make you miserable for the rest of your life...perhaps its time to consider NOT marrying into this family.

Jan05Bride Posted: May 24, 2005 12:25 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

1st off, you are assuming they will go ... they probably won't go and will think you are crazy. Because if they are as bad as you make them sound then it's unlikely they will agree at all.

Let's assume they do WANT to go and DO go ... then yes, it will get MUCH worse before it gets better. But if they are willing to go, then it probably will get better with professional help.

RedHead Posted: May 24, 2005 12:25 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Jenn....you almost called off your wedding a month or so ago....

how much worse can it get?

It shows that you are taking an active POSITIVE move to ehlp repair this situation....

It cannot get any worse

eta...losing the love of my life over this situation is much worse than any therapy

marymoon Posted: May 24, 2005 12:30 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

I'll see if Fh is really serious about it.

Does anyone have an advice about where to find someone?

(No, I don't think they'd actually even show up)

Jan05Bride Posted: May 24, 2005 12:34 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Posted by marymoon

I'll see if Fh is really serious about it.

Does anyone have an advice about where to find someone?

(No, I don't think they'd actually even show up)

I don;t have any advice on where to find someone ... but even if they do not go, I think you & FH should go and see if you can learn to 'deal' with the punches so to speak.

Good luck!

lilmrs Posted: May 24, 2005 12:37 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Contact Jax, she is in the psych field and might be able to recommend someone.

nov04LIbride Posted: May 24, 2005 12:39 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

First, counseling is often covered by insurance--have your FH check on what his plan covers. Second, counseling may help, but what they are going to tell you is that you can't change FH's parents, you can only work on changing how you react to them. With that in mind, I don't know if that is what you want to hear. Counseling is great to work on you and FH to make your relationship strong so that you will last through anything the IL's throw at you. Good luck!

RedHead Posted: May 24, 2005 12:40 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Mary...where are you located?

sarahthegreat Posted: May 24, 2005 12:44 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

i think therapy for all is an excellent idea. but, jmo, i wouldn't go into it with a chip on your shoulder. you seem to think you've done nothing to deserve the way they have treated you, and i'm sure you haven't. but don't go into it, like 'they need the heelp, not me.'

marymoon Posted: May 24, 2005 12:44 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Posted by nov04LIbride

First, counseling is often covered by insurance--have your FH check on what his plan covers. Second, counseling may help, but what they are going to tell you is that you can't change FH's parents, you can only work on changing how you react to them. With that in mind, I don't know if that is what you want to hear. Counseling is great to work on you and FH to make your relationship strong so that you will last through anything the IL's throw at you. Good luck!

How is it ocvered if more than one person is going?

That was what I felt would be the most viabke olution, that the two of us go to learn how to cope with the situation. I don't really see that 'family therapy' will make it better. I mean it's worth it to try and you all seem to think it will help, but I just don't know.

I'm in Queens, FH is in Nassau ETA: his parents are in brooklyn

nov04LIbride Posted: May 24, 2005 12:48 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Posted by marymoon

How is it ocvered if more than one person is going?

It will be under his name and insurance. You are just a P.S. in terms of billing. They charge by the hour, so it does not vary depending on how many people go.