A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Original post by marymoon

May 24, 2005 11:25 AM

Now this is bizairre. Mny of you know my in laws are nuts. They relaly go out fo our way to make our lives miserable and we just don't know what to do. FH said he wanted to ask them to come to 'family therapy' with us (it would be the 4 of us, his parents and us). I think that's just off the wall. THEY need the therapy. 'Family therapy' should have been his paprents, him and his sister YEARS ago. Now that FH is not living at home and his sister is married and moved away, I didn't think people went to 'family therapy' with people they don't even live with. I think they could use some help for their mental problems, and short of that maybe FH and I should go to counseling to try to learn some coping skils, but I've never heard of grown children going to counseling with parents. HAs anyone ever heard of this before? Does anyone have an opinion on this. I'm almost willing to try anything, but I honestly don;'t even want to look them in the face, nor do I want to go somewhere to be verbally abused by them some more in front of a therapist, because I'm seriously never going to say what I want to say to them. They got to say what they wanted about me and I'm done with them, abut trust me, if they heard my REAL opinion about them, they'd hate me even more.

marymoon Posted: May 24, 2005 12:49 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Posted by smm2675

i think therapy for all is an excellent idea. but, jmo, i wouldn't go into it with a chip on your shoulder. you seem to think you've done nothing to deserve the way they have treated you, and i'm sure you haven't. but don't go into it, like 'they need the heelp, not me.'

I wouldn't. I do think they are completely insane...but the point is to try to make the situation better. I can't convince them to go get help for their problems and to stop being te way they are (can't say what they are because of the flower girls ), We can't ever change them, but what we have decided to change is what we'll take from them in terms of disrespect. I had to explain to FH how I felt and leave it up to him about how to go forward with his parents. I personally, for my own sake don't care what happens to them and never want to see them again, but I know that eventually, even though FH hates them right now too, FH will be unhappy with that, so I am willing to find a solution so that we can all be happy in some way. Right now even FH doens't want to talk to them, but we have made an effort to try to talk to them, and they've used it as an opportunity to continue their tirade. This si why I'm scared of going to therapy with the 4 of us,I feel like it'll be another opportunity for them to be abusive and cruel and hurtful, and then if I say anything they don't like, they'll hold it against me.

sarahthegreat Posted: May 24, 2005 12:51 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Posted by marymoon

Posted by smm2675

i think therapy for all is an excellent idea. but, jmo, i wouldn't go into it with a chip on your shoulder. you seem to think you've done nothing to deserve the way they have treated you, and i'm sure you haven't. but don't go into it, like 'they need the heelp, not me.'

I wouldn't. I do think they are completely insane...but the point is to try to make the situation better. I can't convince them to go get help for their problems and to stop being te way they are (can't say what they are because of the flower girls ), We can't ever change them, but what we have decided to change is what we'll take from them in terms of disrespect. I had to explain to FH how I felt and leave it up to him about how to go forward with his parents. I personally, for my own sake don't care what happens to them and never want to see them again, but I know that eventually, even though FH hates them right now too, FH will be unhappy with that, so I am willing to find a solution so that we can all be happy in some way. Right now even FH doens't want to talk to them, but we have made an effort to try to talk to them, and they've used it as an opportunity to continue their tirade. This si why I'm scared of going to therapy with the 4 of us,I feel like it'll be another opportunity for them to be abusive and cruel and hurtful, and then if I say anything they don't like, they'll hold it against me.

but if you are scared about what they are going to say, that is all the more reason to go. see what i mean? if they truly are nuts, then you need the therapist to see that so they can address the problem.

marymoon Posted: May 24, 2005 12:55 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

I'll bring it up to FH again. We're both at this stage where we want things to be better, but we also are tired of trying. If he really still wants to do it, I'll try to get the ball rolling. I feel like we either need to make hitngs better or make it clear that the realtionship b/w us and his parents is over. it's FAR too stressful.

jeanla4c Posted: May 24, 2005 01:22 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Hi there.....I am a therapist. People do come to therapy with grown children at times. Just a short response here...you can't change other people, just yourself and how you relate to others. Counseling is great but everyone involved needs to come to a consensus of their goals and what they want to get out of it. Try to figure out what you and your FI want to gain from it and see it you going to counseling to help cope or going to family counseling would be more appropriate. Good Luck!

Jax430 Posted: May 24, 2005 02:12 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

Jenn, I think family therapy is an excellent idea. From what I have learned and seen so far in my training, grown children often do go with their parents for therapy. As others have already said, you will have to live with them as part as your life unless DH cuts ties off with them completely. If for nothing else, it will be good to have a neutral third party acting as a moderator.

Family therapy is not easy, and I can definitely see why you would be scared of it. It requires a great deal of work and effort on all parts. However, a good family therapist will not let your parents just spew hateful things at you. He or she will try to keep the session under control while letting people express their feelings and addressing the underlying issues.

marymoon Posted: May 24, 2005 02:20 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

I hope you're right. I just have this vision of being locked ina room while they yell at me!

there's no directory or referral service? i guess I'll just start with the ins. co!

Does anyone have any experience about this group setting? I'm so nervous

Jax430 Posted: May 24, 2005 02:26 PM

Re: A Q for people in psychology or therapy/counseling fields.

If you want, I can ask one of my professors for a referral in the area. He lives and practices in New Hyde Park, and actually conducts family therapy. He has a lot of contacts in the Nassau County area.