In the past, I have found the advice from everyone on this board to be so helpful - so I am hoping you all can help me again. Here is the situation: My FH and I are getting married next aug. I am a full time graduate student and will be even after we tie the knot. He works full time. We'd love to buy a house, but we are paying for the majority of the wedding ourselves, so we can't really save for a downpayment right now. His parents have offered to turn their basement into an apartment and let us have the rest of the house. They are retired and plan on traveling a lot anyway. Or, we could rent. Clearly, living in FIL's house is the best way to go financially. But I can't shake the feeling that it won't be 'our' house. It will be theirs. Plus, I don't think it is a great idea to live so close to them. And my parents aren't thrilled with the idea. FMIL doesn't drive and they think I'll end up having to take her everywhere.
I am really torn here. I have my own doubts, plus my parents piled on top. And lately they have been really been as supportive as I'd like about the whole marriage.
Lately I want to bag the whole thing and move away from all of it. Is it worth this stress? Thanks for letting me vent, ladies. Any advice is much appreciated.
michele31
Posted:
Member since
Re: Advice, please (long)
Honestly this can go either way. Cost wise this is the best situation! You can save money every single month towards the down paymet for a home, plus if his parents travel they have someone to watch and care for the house. I do not know what your relationship is like with his parents, but I would drive my FMIL to the store every week and pick up stamps at the Post Office for free rent, especially if you are in school. Plus I really like my FMIL and would not have a problem with her living downstairs. You are right- this is NOT your house. But trust me when you rent it is far from you house too. In fact, his parents will probably let you do more to make it feel like a home than a rental landlord will. Why aren't your parents thrilled at the idea? Are they upset that they cannot offer you the same deal. Again, I do not know his parents so I have no idea if they would still use the upstairs, or except you to have dinner with them every night. But if you can set some ground rules, try it for 1 year and save $$.
kelly4
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Re: Advice, please (long)
It is tough paying for most of a wedding yourself and wanting a house. It sounds good to me that you have the option of living in your inlaw's appt. for now. You can save money for a down payment that way. My FH and I happen to be lucky in that both of our parents are picking up the tab on our wedding. Since they did this, we were able to save $ for a down payment on a house, which we will be closing on in july. Many of my friends that are married rent, and they tell me that it is very hard for them to save for a house. My FH and I didn't have to put a lot down (5%) for our house and it only took 6 months of us saving to get it. My advice for you is to suck it up (if you have to) and just stay in your inlaws place for now. This way your FH and you can save $ for a house. If you rent, you will not be able to save as much money and move into your own home quicker. If you think about it, rent can is as much as a mortgage or even more. Why not put that into your own house? You even said that your inlaws will be traveling most of the time. It will not be a permanent residence for you. Just think of it as you will be saving money for your house. Also, don't forget about the money you will be getting from your guests. You can put this into the bank and towards your house fund. Look into the different mortgages out there and what the banks have to offer you. You will be surprised. Don't be discouraged by anyone, it took us some shopping around to find out what works for us. If we went with the first person we saw about a mortgage. we wouldn't be buying a house for 5 years (and our mortgage payments are not bad at all!).
Good luck! Do the research first. If you need any other info, let me know and I'll help you out as much as I can.
Kelly
aug9bride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Kate...
I am in your shoes totally. When my FI and I were looking for an apartment we could not find anything. His mother had a brand new apartment upstairs from her and suggested we take it. She doesn't drive either. We told her that we were concerned that we would not have our own lives and that it would be like we were living with her. She promised that would not happen. She said it would be exactly the way it was when we were in our own apartment. Well this was the biggest mistake I ever made. I feel like we don't have our own lives. We have to drive her everywhere. She wakes us up early in the morning with ridiculous questions and requests to be taken places. On weekends she invites family members over and assumes that since we are right upstairs we will be there (without even asking). We can't even lie and say we have plans b/c then we have to leave the house to pretend like we are going somewhere. I could really go on and on but I think you get the point. I don't know want your FIL's are like but It was really a huge mistake for us to do this. We can't wait to get a house and move. It can really be a strain on the relationship. I am lucky b/c my FI agrees with me that it is too much and his mother is crossing the line but imagine if it was the opposite. What if your FI doesn't see any problems? He may not mind 'living with his parents'. Afterall he has done it for years. Good luck, and please think it through very carefully beore you make any decisions.
Cira
Posted:
Member since
Re: Kate...
I'm sort of in the same situation. MY parents are the ones who built an apartment upstairs for us and we just moved in. Well he did, until we are married, I'm sleeping downstairs. Honestly, it's my parents, but I love the fact that they did this for us to help us out. We are giving them a nominal amount for rent, my FH wants to, but we are able to save way more money this way and will hopefully have a house within 1 -1 1/2 years. But I already am so close with my parents and he is too - that although, we would love to have our own house - it's just not feasible right now with this market and with the cost burden of the wedding (my parents paid half and us the other). To be honest, if we rented the same apartment elsewhere it would be atleast $900 - $1000! Which is crazy! If you can deal with it, just think of how much better off you will be financially. If you can't, then you will be physically and mentally worse-off. Think of the trade-off and see how you feel. My FH wasn't crazy about the idea at first, but he is adjusting. I don't know how your in-laws are, but my parents are pretty cool and know it's our place and not to intrude, like Aug9's situation. Also, we have a seperate bell and the rest of the house is doored off - so it's like a real rental! His father wasn't crazy about the idea, but I think that's more to do with jealousy! His mom thinks it's smart for us to do it this way! Follow your gut - it's usually right!
NIHA
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Member since
Re: Kelly4
Do you mind giving me more info on how it was to put only 5% down? What town is the house in? What interest rate did you get? My fi and I have been renting for 3 years, and plan on having savings 1 year after our wedding to put a down payment June 03). Though, I realize that we will not have 20% by then. So, we were thinking we'd have 5-10 %. I have heard advice from others that we should do whatever it takes to buy (borrow, put less % down, take higher interest) b/c we are 'wasting' money renting. Thanks in advance for any input you can give.
Suzanne
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Member since
Re: Kelly4
I would like to know about the 5% also.. my and my husband are currently looking for a home and are wondering about the 20% everyone says we HAVE to have.. but with 20% plus the 10K for closing, thats so much to come up with..
thanks
berlykim22
Posted:
Member since
Re: Advice, please (long)
My honest opinion is Dont do it. I dont think living with your in-laws espeically right away is a good idea unless you really need to. Anytime I have seen it done, it never works. Sorry and good luck
applesfla
Posted:
Member since
Re: Kate...
I think you really need to look at the relationship that you have with his parents. If you think you could handle living with them for a while so that you can save $$ I think it would be totally worth it. But stick with your gut. I know you said you had some issues that you were worried about so if you think this will put too much strain on your relationship then don't do it. It may take you longer to save for a house this way but it may be better for your relationship. Maybe you could ask his parents if you could have the apartment instead. This way it will be more like your apartment instead of their house. I hope it all works out for you.
Fran M
Posted:
Member since
Re: Kate...
This is a difficult decision and working through the decision together is extreamly important. If I were faced with this decision I would take into consideration our the long term goals: buying a house and maintaining a loving family relationship and short term goals saving for the house.
Regarding the short term goal you have all the dynamics that make up family relationships and only the two of you know how that all meshes together. You also have the financial windfall of a low rent situation. As far as making the place your own - If you have your furniture, your shower gifts etc in place I am sure you will feel like its your home. Maybe paint the key rooms as far from their current state or like someone else suggested take the apartment instead. Consider how much time you will all be there together you are in school, your FI works, your Inlaws travel. Are they away for a few months during the winter or just weekend travelers?
Long term you cant beat the financial aspect of owning vs renting and this clearly would give you a great financial advantage. But, family is family and you obviously want to have a good relationship with your inlaws or there wouldnt be any question.
In the end I would would weigh all the pros and cons with my FI and discuss all concerns openly with his parents before commiting to anything. I would also make sure they understand that this is a short term arrangement and that you expect to buy a home in X amount of time.
Hope this helped a little
michele31
Posted:
Member since
Re: Kate...
Regarding downpayments. You DO NOT NEED 20% downpayment to purchase a home. If you have 20% then you do not have to pay PMI (private mortgage insurance) which your mortagage company will charge you until you have 20% equity in your home. Closing costs will cost somewhere around $10K, depending on the cost of the home, price of your lawyer, and any points (charged by the banK) you might have to pay. Also, there are many types of mortagages out there. Go to your bank and discuss them. Some people qualify for lower cost mortgages, some don't. I have a fixed rated 30 year mortagage. I put 10% down on my condo and paid about $4,000 in closing, but the lawyer did not charge me because she is a friend of my parents. Also, you may have to pay for things such as oil in the tanks at the house, if the owners pre-paid any property taxes you have to give it back to them, etc.. It is not as bad as you think. The problem here is the price of the homes. 5-10% can still be a huge chunk of cash.
brooke
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Member since
Re: Kate...
I think you FIL's are being extremely generous. I know people that have been married 5 years and still can't save for a house because how can you when you're paying $1000 + in rent? I say suck it up for a year or 2 so you can get the house you want. That's why, although my wedding will be very beautiful, my FH and I decided NOT to spend $25-35,000 on it. We'd rather put the money towards a house.
bearsbabe_113
Posted:
Member since
Re: Advice, please (long)
I am the biggest fan of NOT living with family -- I always felt that when you did, everyone would know when the other went to the bathroom, etc. But now I'm eating my words because I live in my husband's grandmother's house (on the first floor, she's upstairs)!!! Granted, my situation is not like other's (aug9's) -- I am totally at peace with it and it's the best for all of us because because she is a doll (I love her to death) and TOTALLY MINDS HER OWN BUSINESS!!! I'm glad we're there because she's 84 (a very young, hip 84) and practically raised him, so he would worry too much about her being by herself, so it works for all of us because we can still save money for a house and be there for her if she needs us!!
Like everyone else said, it all depends on your relationship with your future inlaws and it's a decision that only you can make! I think the fact that they would be travelling is a plus because then they wouldn't be there all the time.
Living w/family doesn't work for everyone and if there are problems before you're married, then don't do it!!! You should do a pro and con list and see what is the best option for you and your FI.
Good luck!!
Mary
Posted:
Member since
Re: Advice, please (long)
The best way to decide is to weigh the pros and the cons of the situation. First, you will save a lot of money. However, you are giving up some of your privacy (if you have an argument, they will know; etc.) You mentioned that his parents intend to spend time 'traveling.' Do they mean 10 months out of 12, or 1 month out of 12? Remember, the first year of marriage can difficult and this living situation could be further pressure. Personally, unless the benefits far exceeded the problems, I would not be able to do it. But, that's just me.
katebug
Posted:
Member since
Thank you
First I want to thank everyone for their advice and help. For those who asked, I have a pretty good relationship with FH's parents, and they plan to spend quite a bit of the year traveling, as they have family in Ireland and their other son and family live in Japan. At this point I can't judge whether they'd really respect our privacy or not.
Again, this is not my ideal situation, but I am not independently wealthy (I wish!) and being in school, I just barely scrape by as it is. I am encouraged by those of you who are in similar situations, especially since the reality is that we cannot afford a house anytime soon, and the rent here is such a killer. The big problem, I am beginning to think, is my mom. I think that she is worried that I am choosing them over my own parents which is not the case. Plus, lately she is on a kick of saying I can do better, and I ought to make sure this is what I want, etc. So her negative input on top of my own feelings about the living situation are making this really tough.
Whew. I hope it will work out in the end, and again thank you all, for all the advice.
Valenia
Posted:
Member since
Re: Thank you
**HUGS**
Oh Kate, the issues with your mom sound like no fun at all. I'm going to be blunt - please forgive me. Sounds like your mom is jealous, and not quite ready to let go. I think this would be an issue no matter what your decision - so you have to make the decision that is best for you, and try your hardest to ignore your mother's emotions and negative comments. In the end, your mom loves you and wants you to be happy -- even if she doesn't seem supportive at the moment. So its up to you to do what will make you happiest. (Better then you both being miserable, and hopefully she'll see the light.)
