I have been a lurker on the boards for quite awhile and see how wonderfully supportive you are of each other, so I thought I would post. I need to get this off my chest and can't talk to any of my friends about it.
I am not yet engaged and have been with BF for over 5 years. We are at the age (I'm 25 and he's 27) where it seems like everyone we know is getting engaged. All of my friends are getting engaged right now and it is really starting to get to me. Two of my friends were engaged this weekend, and although I am happy for them, it breaks my heart a bit. None of my engaged friends have been with their FH's half the time I have been with BF. We talk about marriage all the time and I know he is planning to marry me, but why hasn't he asked yet? I feel like everyone else BF's love them more than mine loves me. He is such a wonderful guy and treats me like gold; I just wish he would get to the 'treating me like diamonds' faze!!
Did any of you go through this? How did you deal with it? He knows I am upset, but I don't want to make a big deal about it because I think it makes him feel bad (he isn't doing that well financially at the moment). When I get upset, I think it makes him feel inferior to all of our friends (most of whom are younger than him) who can afford the ring and wedding.
Thanks for letting me vent....any advice would be so appreciated.
WithThisRing
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
I went through EXACTLY what you are going through. The most important thing is dont push. I pushed and it brought a lot of fights. I eventually just sat back and bit my lip. Then one friday night he surprised me and asked me to marry him and gave me the most beautiful ring.
I sat and watched many of my friends get married and engaged and it tore me up. I kept thinking when will it be my turn. The best thing I did was just sit back and let him come around.
I lurked all the wedding boards and I was so jealous, but what I also learned was a lot about vendors, halls, dresses, favors, colors, etc...I learned so much by reading everyone elses post that when I got engaged a lot of my footwork was set because I knew ok avoid this place, go to this place, talk to this one. We were able to get the big thing like the hall and church out of the way immediatly because I knew ok check out these halls, talk to these banquet manager and I need to to certain things. Just because you are not engaged, believe me read the boards and the posts this way when you do become engaged a lot of your many questions will be answered and your new FI will be impressed of how smart you are (my FI was amazed of how much wedding stuff I knew)
Dont worry. Its tough being patient, but when you least expect it, he'll propose.
nrvbrd
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
Hi.
You may not want to hear from me, but I will post anyway.
I am 29 yrs old. I just got engaged after 9 years of dating.
I know your mouth is hanging and you are probably wondering 'What took so long?'.
Well I will be honest, up until a year ago I did not feel ready for marriage.
I love my FH and he loves me, but let's face it that is not enough. Through our time together we went through our share of ups and downs. We broke up, dated other people and got back together.
These years have been a learning experience. It has made me confident that we can get through anything together.
With men, you cannot force them. They know when they want to take that step. In the 8th year of our relationship, I was really ansy, but I waited. From our first date so many years ago , he told me he wanted to marry me. We had talked about it all throughout our time together. I will be honest after 5 years at 25 I was NOT ready to get married, but I am different.
My advice is to stick with this guy. He seems to really care for you and you do not talk about any problems that you may have.
I think it is just a case of not being financially ready. He will do it, just be understanding and have a little patience.
Claud2001
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. But, try not to compare your relationship to anyone else's. I know it's difficult to see other people moving faster than you, but marriage is not about who gets there first, and there's no prizes to win the 'race.'
The most important thing is that both of you are ready (spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially - you NAME it!) to make a lifelong committment to one another. If your BF treats you wonderfully, than you are on the right track. Try to be patient and let things happen in due time.
Don't be fooled by outward appearances, either. No one else can know exactly what your friends relationships are based upon. Just because they are engaged first, doesn't mean someone loves them more than your BF loves you. I say being cautious and taking your time is wisest for the life of your relationship.
In the meantime, CELEBRATE your love!!! You are lucky to be in a solid relationship with a man who cares deeply for you...don't look at it as what it's 'NOT', but rather what it 'IS!!!'
shamma
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
Claud, I could not have said it better. I agree 100% do not compare yourself or your relationship to anyone else's. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. When the time comes for your and your BF to make that step it will be one of the best times and you will wonder why you ever worried about it.
Take care
dkga1026
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
my gf went through the same thing...she just got engaged last week, but she waited a long time for it while evryone else around her got engaged and married....but i have to say that she was very patient and never really pressured him and he appreciated it....times were tough for him and because he really wanted to get her a beautiful ring, he preferred to wait the extra time and save up than to propose with an inferior ring....not to mention that he was thinking of all the $$$ they would need afterwards to plan the wedding...
the only thing you can do is be patient, keep loving this man who treats you like gold and know that the ring will come when the time is right...he probably wants to give you something that will knock your socks off!!!
Sassy
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
WOW, these ladies saiad everything I would've said, and I agree, especially w/Claud, don't look at others and what they are doing for your happiness. Not everyone who is engaged is happy, unfortunately.
I watched friends get engaged before me, get married before me, and also get DIVORCED before me, within only a couple of years of marraige. That's b/c they didnt know who they were marrying, and they did it for all the wrong reasons.
I got engaged in September, 2 weeks AFTER our 5th year anniversary, and it was beautiful, and worth every second that I had to wait. At least I know our Love is for real, and we are not making a snap decision or doing it b/c everyone else already did. I will be 32 when I get married, and that's OK by me, I'm marrying the man I know and love, and that's what really matters, not WHEN.
Good Luck, be patient. He sounds like he loves you and wants to be able to do it right. But only YOU and HE know what's truly in your hearts. Hang out with us, and just ask whenver you need us
jennyg
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
I definitely agree with everything that has been said so far but also wanted to add that I can relate!! We dated for three years before having a serious discussion about 'being ready' to get married. I knew he was waiting for a year-end bonus and thought for sure we'd be enaged a few months after that talk. More than a few months went by and then two of my friends (who had dated their bf less than two years) got engaged one right after the other and I flipped out. I was really upset, wouldn't tell my fi why but he knew why. And it made him really angry. As it turns out he was knee-deep in designing the ring at this point and we wound up getting engaged - one month later. We can laugh about it now....but it was really selfish of me to behave like this. In the end it doesn't matter when you get enagaged, who does it first etc etc. It will be amazing when it happens and try not to pressure him. Guys feel plenty of pressure, believe me, and don't need us reminding them.
But also know, you are not alone for feeling this way. I know PLENTY of brides who stressed over this exact same thing. Hang in there - it will happen when you least expect it!
Scoop
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
I agree with everyone above about not pushing him. I would not want to receive a ring under an ultimatum. However, I would also watch out for myself first. There is only so long that you can wait. It seems as if he is just not ready financially, so I would give him some time. Good luck and I hope it works out.
WeDidIt!
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
The time will come. Just be patient. I can relate. I went through the same thing. My fiance was waiting on severl things. One of them was that he wanted to be financially ready. To be quite honest with you I actually respected him more and loved him more for waiting. It made me realize how serious he was. He knew it was a huge step, great responsibility to step into marriage. He also wanted to give me the best that he possibly could. After careful thought I realized that what a good man he was. It's worth the wait, so try to be patient.
Don't compare yoursef to your friends. I am the resident therapist for my group of friends. And as my Mom would say 'all that glitters, is not gold.' You never know what someone elses marriage is really like.
Finally, there is nothing wrong with lurking around the boards. I did the same several months before I got engaged. Like someone else said, by the time I was officially planning I already completed alot of leg work.
So, hang in there!
cw0904
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
I will admit I mentioned it to him. We were going out for over 4.5 yrs with no ring in sight. Friends were getting engaged after dating less than 2 yrs and me no ring. When my BF started planning her wedding I was upset but very happy for her. I admitted to him I was. When I least expected it, he started asking me about the ring I wanted and eventually it was made and he proposed. There have been 2 couples that we know that have gotten engaged, married and divorced in less time than we have been together! I find that to be horrible. Their courtship lasted such a short time, they didn't get to know each other before jumping into the marriage.
I would not push him on it. FH had saved money on the side without telling me. And BTW he may be working on your ring without you knowing. Be patient hon. It will come soon...
NovemberSue
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
I think that your boyfriend would probably love to get you the perfect ring and is not ready financially to get it.He probably doesn't want to just pick out anything.He probably wants to have some money saved first.
sept20yay!
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
Hi- You have some forum mail from me. It will be under forum mail under your name on your orginal post.
Sage10.03
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
This same thing happened to me....I know exactly how you are feeling! FH and I dated for 4 years and 2 months before he proposed, his best friend and my best friend both got engaged....about 2 weeks apart from each other.... I was so happy for them but I was sad that it hadn't happened to me yet. Not to mention both had dated for a much shorter period of time than me and FH. Let me tell you that by the time my BF had gotten engaged, my FH had already started designing my ring and picking out a diamond. He had been saving so that he could buy me the ring of my dreams, which he did and then some!!! The suprise of it is worth every ounce of waiting and worrying.... I thought it would never happen and when it did it was so amazing. I have to agree with all the girls on the line of DO NOT PUSH HIM....I didn't let FH know I was upset and he appreciated that I was patient... That way, when he did propose - I knew it was for no other reason than b/c he wanted to with all of his heart. Do not compare yourself to your friends....you and only you know how special your relationship is and it sounds like he intends to make you very happy...
Good Luck and don't worry about it!!!!!!
dreamygal
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
Thank you all so much- it makes me feel so much better to know I am not alone. Hearing that so many of you or your friends felt this way makes me feel a little less crazy!
I am really enjoying reading your posts and you have all lifted my spirits so much already- and I thought I was going to sit around and be miserable all day!
Thank you, and I'd love to hear anyone else's advice, comments or stories. It is working wonders on my spirit!
Sassy
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
I'm glad we could lift your spirits, the ladies here always have that effect on me too
BTW, in my post I conveniently didnt mention how frustrated I was b4 I got the ring. I think we all go through that when we've been in a relationship for a long time. I tried not to let FH know how ****ed I was, but I wasnt always successful LOL
For the most part, I was a good girl. He told me he had to do it in his own time, and be a man. Ha !!!
Now that we're official, he seems happier than ever, I guess waiting till we BOTH were ready was the key, he tells anyone who listens that he's engaged
nrvbrd
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
Just to add Dreamy Gal:
I hope I did not freak you out with my post.
I doubt you will be dating as long as I did.
Your guy WILL do it and it will be spectacular!!!!
WithThisRing
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
Dreamygal dont you worry. When it happens you'll be very surprised.
This is a great bunch of ladies on here and you are always welcomed to hang out with us any time.
You'll get really good advice, suggestions, feedback, and anything else you are looking for from everyone on here.
Just surf around the wedding stuff and do a little homework on vendors and when you are engaged you'll be a pro at this wedding stuff.
Dont let it bother you and when you least expect it, it will happen
slpbridetobe
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
Oh my goodness! I think I could have written your exact post prior to September of this year!! I had dated my FI for over 5 years. I was (am) 26, and so was he. The true devastation came when my best friend met a wonderful guy, got engaged within 10 months, and called me to tell me- I was thrilled for her- on the phone... when I hung up, I sat down and BAWLED for about an hour, thinking 'why isn't this happening for me yet?' He's a wonderful guy, we had talked frequently about marriage, and teh future together, but same thing, he had no money at all- or so I thought.. so I took last summer off from dropping hints and obsessing over it (even though all my friends were engaged and married), did not mention getting engaged at ALL. And we got engaged in September, it was wonderful. So sit tight, the important thing is that you have a wonderful guy- even though the wait is likely making you sad. It will happen!!! Now I have a ton of experienced friends that have been through wedding planning that are very helpful to me- not to mention this board!! Hang in there!!!
wacky
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Re: All my friends are doing it!!! I need help....
Never, ever compare someone else relationship with yours. The grass is always greener on the other side.
You need to ask yourself, if this man asked me today Would I say yes?
Asses your relationship based on your opinion. Whatever you do dont give an ultimatum, sometimes the outscome is horrible!
Tell him how you feel and then end it. No one likes to be put against a wall. The rest will come
