Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

Original post by vhollo01

Jul 12, 2004 09:13 PM

During the first few months of dating I told him I couldn't change to his name. After he started speaking (yes, speaking) to me again, we just pretended like I never said it. I have a feeling it will rear its ugly head soon.... What are you ladies doing

And if your wondering - I can't use the hyphen... it would be a sentence!

anjerandunder Posted: Jul 13, 2004 08:27 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

i actually wanted to change my name but since this is fh's second marriage he would like to take my name..i guess if i asked him he would keep his but hey i'm used to mine so why not..

CubanBride Posted: Jul 13, 2004 08:32 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

I cannot wait to change my name. For me, taking his last name is a just another factor in our lives joining. Besides, with the drama my last name entails, why would I want to keep it? Nope, I don't want my last name anymore.

palebride Posted: Jul 13, 2004 08:43 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

A male friend from college actually convinced me to change my name a while ago. He was saying that when you have children, the woman has an obvious bond with the child that the man can never have. The most obvious thing that a man can pass onto his children is his last name - since the child is a part of the woman by nature's dictation, the man can give his last name, and thereby give the child a part of himself.
I thought that it was a really interesting way to think about it - and since I want to have the same last name as my children.....I changed my last name.
And I am a teacher, so it's taken my students and school some getting used to, but has been pretty successful!

jannshari Posted: Jul 13, 2004 08:49 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

I'm changing my last name for all purposes, including my health insurance and social security, but will be known by my maiden name by my colleagues and clients and the courts. My degrees are in my maiden name, my licenses are in my maiden name, my business cards, and my reputation is based on my maiden name. Not to mention that my maiden name is faaaaar easier to read, pronounce, and write than his.

cluelessbride Posted: Jul 13, 2004 08:54 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

Posted by palebride

A male friend from college actually convinced me to change my name a while ago. He was saying that when you have children, the woman has an obvious bond with the child that the man can never have. The most obvious thing that a man can pass onto his children is his last name - since the child is a part of the woman by nature's dictation, the man can give his last name, and thereby give the child a part of himself.
I thought that it was a really interesting way to think about it - and since I want to have the same last name as my children.....I changed my last name.
And I am a teacher, so it's taken my students and school some getting used to, but has been pretty successful!

I'll probably change for the sake of our yet-to-be born children. Then again, maybe I won't. I go back and forth all the time!

tourist Posted: Jul 13, 2004 09:18 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

uhh! I'm so on the fence about this.

No one knows how to pronouce his ( not even him!) & one of the common was it is said, it sorta rhymes with my first name.

And it makes it seem like I am leaving my family & joing his, which isn't happening.
My friends say we should make up a hybrid name.

nan&dave Posted: Jul 13, 2004 09:25 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

I'm taking his last name (which is so common, mine isn't) and making mine into my middle name. I really had a hard time about this, but my parents made that suggestion. I love my maiden name.

JimmysBride Posted: Jul 13, 2004 09:26 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

Posted by Summerbride04

I'm changing mine after many 'discussions' but decided to keep my maiden name for work.

Same here...

FLaCaTaCa Posted: Jul 13, 2004 09:27 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

I am changing mine. He is really into this and has had a problem when I say (teasing) that I won't. His family will also be offended (not that I care who doesn't like it but him) but I just know it will cause him grief.

I don't want to be Mrs. John Smith. I want to be Mrs. Stacy Smith. I know that defeats the purpose of the whole Mrs. thing but I just don't want that!

vhollo01 Posted: Jul 13, 2004 09:42 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

Posted by laudipop

Wait a minute. I just re-read the original post again. He stopped speaking to you just for wanting to keep your name? That seems kind of extreme. You should ask him how he'd feel if you wanted him to change his name! There's no difference.

Maybe he's had time to think about it more since then and it won't be as big a deal as you're thinking.

No I'm not that lucky - he is a bit weird that way and takes it as a personal insult if I dont take the new name. I did tell him to take my name - that didn't work either. He cant make me do it, so I guess he'll just have to get over it!

Karacg Posted: Jul 13, 2004 11:08 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

At 38, I am keeping my name. I will answer to Mrs. G or Mrs. P. either way, and the kids ( ) will have his name with mine as a middle name perhaps. My oldest sis kept her name too.

In Spain, kids get both parents' names and brides do not change theirs. Whose idea was if for us to change our names anyway??? Too much work!

ckgmwedding Posted: Jul 13, 2004 11:21 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

Posted by teach2be

I am changing my last name, not because I want to, but my last name and first name combo are so common that I frequently get told my account is cancelled or something along those lines. This happened to me again last week at the tanning salon where I have to spend 20 minutes trying to prove that I do pay my bill because some other slacker with the same name as me doesn't pay theirs.

Seriously, my dentist called me about two years ago all snotty saying how I was supposed to have come in for a root canal that day and I never showed(mind you I have never had a cavity in my life). I spent ten minutes on the phone trying to convince them that they had the wrong girl.

I am gladly changing my last name for this reason. He has a very uncommon last name.

I have the same problem but I am still using my maiden name as the middle name to make it even harder to confuse. I didn't get paid one summer since the school district I work for confused me with the other person with the same name. It took months to fix!

nylibride Posted: Jul 13, 2004 11:31 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

You are not alone! I think for professional reasons I would never change it at work. I 've struggled with this. I'm very attached to my name, I have no brothers who are carrying it on. FH is being (mostly) understanding and has agreed that future children can have my last name as middle name. I'm thinking of legally adding his name as a second middle name (my family calls me by my middle name, so I can't just drop it). So happy to read other people's opinions about this and not be alone on this either

Mrs.Ptobe Posted: Jul 13, 2004 11:55 AM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

Well, my fiance and I already have a house together and nothing to me is worse than contractors or telemarketers calling saying 'can I speak with Mrs. 'W'' all I want to say is 'are you looking for my mother?, I'd be Miss W - I'm not married to my father, we don't do that kind of thing in my family' . Of course when a telemarketer or contractor has my fiances name then it's 'Hi, Mrs. P?', well, that would be my future mother in law... It's too confusing. Plus, my future stepson is thrilled that I'll have his last name (how cute)! And really, can this cause confusion among the future children if mommy has a different last name than the rest of the family? Who knows if I'll be paying their therapy bills over this minor detail. If anything I'll hyphenate for work, but otherwise, the maiden name is going!

LIPrincess00 Posted: Jul 13, 2004 12:08 PM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

I dont have a middle name so I am going to use my maiden name as my middle name and use his as my last. This way I can use my maiden name for work and my married for everything else and when we have a child they will have his name. Also, at 38 all my degrees are in my maiden name.

nsgraham Posted: Jul 13, 2004 12:35 PM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

I've been going back and forth on this. Decided to hypenate before I got married, and now I'm REALLY reluctant to actually legally make the change. Even hypenating can be somewhat of a compromise. I'm gonna just keep my name and use his when it's convenient or for the kids. Still trying out the hypen to see if I like it.

It really is different, thinking about it before you're married and then facing the reality of it afterwards. That's when it hits you - wait, I'm not supposed to be ME anymore, but he's still him! What I mean is - The name change thing is about symbolism. taking his name is about 'being a family' but it also feels (to me, I'm not saying this is everyone) that I'm getting swallowed into his identity - the name that I've made for myself disappears, but the name that he's made for himself remains the same. Keeping my name is also about maintaining myself as a separate entity and, in a way, keeping us on the same level(symbolically speaking - we're obviously on the same level in the relationship regardless).

I DON'T think that kids are 'scarred' in any way by not having the same last name, I didn't have my mom's last name and I'm fine. I realize though that *I* want to share a name with my kids just because *I* do, not because I think it would be better for them.

So I go back and forth, even at this late date.

BlondieBell Posted: Jul 13, 2004 12:46 PM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

I'm in the same situation as eroxgirl's friend...I'd like to keep it because I just got it back a few years ago, and I am also the last in line with the name, but he would be hurt and I don't want to do that.

laudipop Posted: Jul 13, 2004 02:33 PM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

Am I the only one who thinks women have just as much right to give the kids THEIR last name as men do? When I tell people I'm not changing my name, they always bring up the kids thing. But why should I have to do all the work (the labor!) of having kids and then put his name on them? It seems to me that no one ever even considers giving kids their mother's name.

dukies1 Posted: Jul 14, 2004 05:57 PM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

I said that I didn't want to change my name from the beginning. His sister didn't change hers, she just made her last name her middle name and then his last name ( for business reasons). My boyfriend began commenting about it so I defended her. This is 2004. To bad if he can't handle it! My dad is gone, I want his name to always be part of me. I will always belong to him and his family, I have also joined another and celebrate both names luck.

chicagogal Posted: Jul 14, 2004 10:03 PM

Re: Am I alone here - I don't want to change my name!

Posted by Karacg

At 38, I am keeping my name. I will answer to Mrs. G or Mrs. P. either way, and the kids ( ) will have his name with mine as a middle name perhaps. My oldest sis kept her name too.

In Spain, kids get both parents' names and brides do not change theirs. Whose idea was if for us to change our names anyway??? Too much work!

I agree!
In Italy and France women do not change their names either and it's not about being modern but probably the total opposite. You are always associated more with your father's family and I think it would be considered a great insult to give up the name he gave you.
So I'll say I'm doing it the old fashioned Italian way and not change my name
Now if I could only convince FI to give the children part of my name...

In this day and age, with the divorce rate as high as it is, I think people are sensitive to the fact that many children have a different last name than one of their parents.