Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Original post by jannshari

Dec 05, 2003 05:31 PM

I keep seeing all these posts about gifts and over the months that I've been on this site, I have grown increasingly disgusted. All I keep seeing is how people are expected to give wedding gifts of at least $200, more if you are close to the bride and groom, and how people seem to look down on those guests who give actual gifts, rather than money. I grew up on Long Island and have been used to seeing this, but this is really a New York metro area thing - the whole idea of giving money as a gift. In many other areas, it would be insulting to hand the bride and groom a check. I'm finding myself wondering why this expectation in this area came about and how awful it seems to me.

From engagement parties, to bridal showers, to weddings, I have seen many women here (and elsewhere) complain that they got a lousy gift only worth $50 or that people didn't give enough to 'cover their plate.' Am I the only one who seems to think that this is so uncouth? I find it horribly lacking in class that people have the nerve to be so ungracious about a gift, either because it didn't cost the guest enough or because they didn't give cash?

I am not pointing to anyone in particular, so please don't take it personally (although I imagine that someone is bound to be insulted anyway). I just wonder when it became OK to expect such grandiose gifts from guests and to complain about people not shelling out enough money to satisfy the bride and groom's expectations.

I can't be the ONLY person who feels this way...can I?

palebride Posted: Dec 05, 2003 11:59 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

i was annoyed when i worked for a company for three years and the final year there my bonus went down over 90%.
yes, i was annoyed about that because i worked very hard for that company and felt underappreciated when my thank you was insulting.
and the worst part is that i believe it was due to the gift i gave his son for a bar mitzvah....which he felt wasn't enough...even though he knew how much i made and he knew i couldnt afford to pay nearly enough to cover my plate for that event.
that's all i was saying

gertyrae Posted: Dec 06, 2003 12:19 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Well, I am coming on here late cuz we were shoveling, but I have to say this is quite the discussion. The only thing I might add is that FI always gave gifts, not money, when I met him. I have since convinced him that people generally appreciate the cash more, especially with the cost of living on LI. But, since we have gotten engaged I can't tell you how many times I have heard 'Now it's going to be payback time and you're going to get lots of gifts and no money' LIKE I CARE!!
We are having a wedding, as someone said earlier, to celebrate our love for each other and share the day with our family and friends. The gifts/cash are nice but I really truly do not care about them. When my brother got married two years ago, my sisters and I were strapped for cash at the wedding so we gave them a card and paid for a mini vacation a couple of months later. He didn't care, he was happy we were there.
I am sorry this is so long, but I really don't understand getting all hyped up about gifts. It shouldn't really matter. If I get crappy stuff, I give it away. I would never think about what someone did get as opposed to what they could have gotten. I was thrilled with the fact that people did as much as they did for our e-party and my shower.
Anyway, that's all I am going to say on the matter, I am sure that I offended folks too, but I had to put my five cents in.

NYCHICK Posted: Dec 06, 2003 12:47 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Well I am also coming on rather late also but I do believe that the whole thing, about gifts, is rather silly. I guess it must be a cultural thing. I have never heard of any person asking someone to be a part of their special day and then asking them to put money forward. I have never heard of bridesmaids paying for their own dresses, or anything like that. I personally would be highly annoyed if someone asked me to be apart of THEIR special day and then asked me to pay for it. As far as the gifts, who cares, I never knew about this whole thing about 'registering' before I came onto the boards. I don't think it matters AT ALL. I can honestly say that I REALLY DON'T care about any of that stuff. My guests can come empty handed if they choose. I thinks gifts are for Christmas and weddings are about having a good time. When I look back on my wedding I would much rather know that everyone had a blast than what kind of China I was given....JMO

ChristineC68 Posted: Dec 06, 2003 05:33 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

All in all, we were overwhelmed by our guests generosity. And I'll admit I was disappointed with the guest that couldn't manage a card and the gift from one other person. Other then that, we were thrilled!

We didn't expect nor plan to have our gifts cover any of the wedding expenses. We are glad that we were able to provide the wedding we wanted and that our guests had a good time (they still mention how much fun they had at our wedding over a year later).

The posts that annoy me are the ones that say:

Guests don't have to cover their plate and give what they can afford but should not be less then $X per person.

ps...Palebride - all bonuses are required to be taxed, in fact they are taxed at a higher tax rate then your regular paycheck. There's not much they can do about that other then give an out of pocket gift (which I think $25 could have been from your boss )

RedHead Posted: Dec 06, 2003 08:33 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I am coming into this convo. a little late as well. But i am going to put my 2 cents in.

I have to say i see both sides. I wish i could be so gracious as to think that i wouldn't be upset if someone came to my wedding pennyless, which (in my case) i know is going to happen. And (in my case) i know some who are going to give nothing and i will be upset and i know other people who are going to give nothing and i just want them to be there. Call me crazy, but that is how i feel. Then there are the people who i barely know (friends of my dads) that will give A LOT.

But i don't really consider myself materialistic. I guess what i am trying to say is that i have different expectations for different people, unfair...probably ...materialistic...maybe...but that is just how i feel. My FMIL can't afford to give us much and i truely understand that, she would give us the clothes off her back if we needed it. My uncle from Florida is coming and the fact that he will be at my wedding makes sooo happy i want to cry. He too can't afford a big gift and the fact that he has to spend $$ to fly here..well i am grateful he has chosen to do this for me.

But there is also my FI's uncle who will have the audacity to come with his wife and complain about his small children not being invited and give nothing. I know he will do this because he did it to my FI's brother. This bothers me. Would it bother me if he gave me SOMETHING... a gift, money, a card ... SOMETHING? Well i don't know. Does this make me a materialistic brat? I would like to think not but i will admit after reading jannshari's posts i do i feel bad. But this is the way i feel.

Jen_n_Dale Posted: Dec 06, 2003 08:35 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I also feel that if someone knows you they will they give you something. My work friends were more generous than my own family & Dale's family was. I did not have any engagement parties but my work one threw me a surprise engagement party and they also threw me a surprise shower. The fact they took the time and did that for me was amazing. I would never hold a grudge if they could not afford a lot. But I know I have over extended myself sometimes when I shouldn't have.

kathleenmarie Posted: Dec 06, 2003 08:47 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Wow how did I miss this post!? I look at this way, I know that most people give the gifts to get the new couple off to a good start. But I see it as if I throw a party at home, I dont expect people to bring a gift, although some people dont like to show up at people houses without bringing something so they do. I am asking the people to come to my wedding because I want them to be a part of the happiest day if my life. Do I expect at leat a congradualatory card? Yes, I do, and I expect gifts too, but I dont care if they are cash or from my registry, and I dont care if they cover the plate. I have turned down wedding invites because I couldnt afford it. I would hate if someone didnt come to my wedding because they couldnt afford it.

Maribelle7777 Posted: Dec 06, 2003 11:10 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I tend to agree with you. I will take anything that is given to me graciously! FH feels the same way. I think I might feel a bit put off by the couple that spends lavishly on themselves (luxury SUV, vacations, furs, nice house) and then give $50 or equivalent gift, but then again it's better than a kick in the hole.

However, giving money is more common than you may realize. Maybe not as common in other states than it is here in NY metro area but FH says it's done at all the weddings he's gone to back home.

Either way I'll take what I'm given and be happy for it!

(ps that's why I'm freaking over the cost of the wedding - I refuse to hope that whatever $ we recieve as a gift will cover some of the cost because you just can't expect that!)

btrflygrl Posted: Dec 06, 2003 04:04 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I agree....I've always thought that you should give what you can afford, if it's a monetary gift. I feel other gifts are great....it's something someone thought was perfect for you and probably something you would never buy for yourself. I also wonder how anyone can afford these monetary values I've seen posted, and I get very upset when I see girls buying Tiffany jewelry for their BP....I couldn't afford to even think of Tiffany's, or $125 pp for a hall. To me, having all our loved ones there to celebrate and the fact that I'm marrying my true love is the greatest gift of all.

butterfly20 Posted: Dec 06, 2003 05:45 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

jannshari.... very sweet story about the the check for the tooth...

Jax430 Posted: Dec 06, 2003 05:53 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Ok, I'm joining this conversation very late, and I guess I have mixed feelings about it.

First of all, I agree that the gifts are very far down on the priority list on your wedding day. I have a lot of friends who are in school and don't have much money, and if I don't receive gifts from them, so be it - that's not why I'm inviting them. However, on the other hand, my FH and I are just starting out. We both live with our parents, and I am a full time graduate student without an income. I have to admit that the engagement/shower/wedding presents, whether money or physical objects, that we receive are going to be very important to us, because we are starting from scratch. I have to admit, I am looking forward to receiving nice presents from those who can afford it - I'm not going to deny that.

MY FH and I have many, many wedding coming up, and we will have to give presents that we can afford, whether it's money or something off the registry. Honestly, we probably won't give more than a $100 present. We will not be covering the cost of our plate at these weddings, but that is what we can afford. I know people who think we're being cheap, and I have other friends who give much less. I don't think there's really a right or wrong here. It is all a matter of your personal situation.

JCbride2B Posted: Dec 06, 2003 07:26 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

just to throw in my two cents, i am excited about having the friends and family I care about around me and all of them having a great time! is it costing us money we dont have? sure. would it be nice if we broke even at the end? abosolutely. but mainly, the best gift I could get was a phone call or note from a guest after the big day telling me it was the best wedding they had ever been to. that would far exceed the value of money. it would make me feel that all the money we spent was worth it!

with that said, I will be ticked off if a handful of people our parents and grandparents are forcing us to invite show up with nothing. i can honestly see them showing up with not even a card but plenty of sarcastic or degrading comments. these are people we truly would rather not be around much less have them acting up or threatening to spoil our day with their idiotic personalities, so it will bother me if they show up empty handed or with a $20 dollar check. simply because we feel we are wasting $ on inviting them so it would make us feel a bit better if they at least paid for their presence. i guess that sounds horrible, and i feel a bit bad saying it, but we REALLY dont want these people there at all, but not inviting them will cause more headaches with our parents. those will be the only people whose gifts we may judge, or we'll be judging their behavior towards us at the least!

MegLehner Posted: Dec 06, 2003 09:26 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Money is an NY thing. I have been living in the midwest and went to a wedding where i was planning on giving $ and my friends looked at me like i was crazy. They said we don't give Money in Indiana.
Personally, i would prefer $. My FH and I are moving a few months after the wedding and I don't want to have to put too much in storage since we wait till we get to the new house to use the new stuff.
Its kinda strange to get a gift from your registry when you know exactly how much it costs anyway.

butterfly20 Posted: Dec 06, 2003 11:08 PM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Posted by JCbride2B

with that said, I will be ticked off if a handful of people our parents and grandparents are forcing us to invite show up with nothing. i can honestly see them showing up with not even a card but plenty of sarcastic or degrading comments. these are people we truly would rather not be around much less have them acting up or threatening to spoil our day with their idiotic personalities, so it will bother me if they show up empty handed or with a $20 dollar check. simply because we feel we are wasting $ on inviting them so it would make us feel a bit better if they at least paid for their presence. i guess that sounds horrible, and i feel a bit bad saying it, but we REALLY dont want these people there at all, but not inviting them will cause more headaches with our parents. those will be the only people whose gifts we may judge, or we'll be judging their behavior towards us at the least!

I see your point... and there are 6 people that me and fh especially! would rather not have at all, and i know they will come no where near covering their plate... i wish they just wouldnt show up and that would be the best gift to us... its especially frustrating to invite them because they are 'family' and they have acted nothing like family, being jealous, always trying to insult us, yet we have to invite them so the grandparents are happy the worst part is they have been stressing my fh out so much that he had to go to the doctor to get checked out for the extra heart beats which the doctor said could be from stress...

ChristineC68 Posted: Dec 07, 2003 08:27 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Posted by kathleenmarie
I have turned down wedding invites because I couldnt afford it. I would hate if someone didnt come to my wedding because they couldnt afford it.

I think it's a shame that the pressure of bringing a gift prevented you from attending a wedding. Especially when you know it's your friend's presense that counts, not the present.

kathleenmarie Posted: Dec 07, 2003 09:19 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

a girl I work with got married, and her mother called a girl who forgot the envelope at home and and asked her where her gift was!!!!! she said 'oh, some of the cards must have gotten stolen, we couldnt find yours.' Not everyone shares my feelings, which is why I dont care what they bring to my wedding, but I'd die if I didnt bring the 'proper' thing to theirs!

ChristineC68 Posted: Dec 07, 2003 09:39 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I feel the same way. I once forgot to bring the card to the wedding but mailed it immediately so it was waiting when they got home from their HM and I felt so awful!

I wonder why we hold ourselves up to higher standards then we expect from our guests.

Lisa Rose Posted: Dec 07, 2003 10:23 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I have read this post and have to say that I agree that expecting to cover your expenses with the wedding gifts is VERY unrealistic! We didnt even come close to getting out money back and if we had to do it again...I wouldnt change a thing!! It was a perfect day!!

I think that the girls that are not from NY have to understand is that this has become the norm...giving $$$, just has giving gifts is the norm in Indiana. No one says that you can not go to a wedding and gift a non-money gift. I recevied a few non-money gifts at my wedding. Yes, they were from my soroity sisters that lived in PA but I was SOOOOOOOOOOO happy that they could make it that I could care less if they even gave us anything! They spend enough $$ traveling, and the hotel rooms. Another soroity sister couldnt come to the wedding but ordered our bathroom set that we were registered for and send it to me!!

I will say something to the future brides....DO NOT go into your engagement party, shower or wedding with ANY expectations of gifts from people. If you do, you will find that you might be VERY dissapointed. Instead, expect that you will not get any gifts and you will be extreamly happy!!

Happy Planning to all!!

MrsTC Posted: Dec 07, 2003 10:40 AM

Re: Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

Posted by kathleenmarie

a girl I work with got married, and her mother called a girl who forgot the envelope at home and and asked her where her gift was!!!!! she said 'oh, some of the cards must have gotten stolen, we couldnt find yours.' Not everyone shares my feelings, which is why I dont care what they bring to my wedding, but I'd die if I didnt bring the 'proper' thing to theirs!

at my wedding, a few of my cousins did not give me a gift, and I too, thought it was lost at first. My mom was really angry because we have gone to all of their weddings and have given $ gifts. I told her to just drop the issue because I had my wedding, it was a great day, and I could care less! I already paid for it, so who cares??