Am I the only one who thinks this way about gifts?

I agree with the fact that you shouldn't invite people just for the gift and or the money. But at the same token, I don't blame brides for getting upset with some of the gifts people do give when you know they could or should do better. You will realize when it comes to your wedding day how tacky it is when a family of four says they are all attending your wedding and one or two people from that family do not show up and the two people that did come barely covered their own heads let alone the $$ you had to shell out for the two no shows.
I don't think it's more a problem with manners and consideration rather than what the actual gifts are.

I feel that you shouldn't focus on getting this amount of money or expensive gifts from your guests, you should invite those people that you want to share this experience with because it will make you have a wonderful memory with these people. Some people plan a wedding looking to make the expenses back in the wedding gifts, thats just stupid.
Yes, people should have manners and be courtoeous and have etiquette by bringing a token of well wishing in celebration of your wedding, but the value of it is up to them, not everyone can afford expensive gifts.

So, in summary, it is a matter of ettiqute to bring a gift, and a matter of ettiqutte to not expect one. Interesting world. . .

If you go to a non ny wedding do you give $ or gifts?

Same thing with a transplant. ( non NY'er living here)

I don't want to insult anyone.

If the registry has a lot of expensive things, I gues I would asuem its mostly a gift giving family.

I've been to a lot of functions where the gifts are mostly smaller & purchased for the shower, so I assume its then ok to give $.

I TOTALLY AGREE.....a gift is just that a GIFT! no $$ amount should be set on it. you give what you can afford. Don't have a wedding that's $200pp and expect that in return. And don't be mad or shoked if people give less. You have a wedding to celebrate, NOT to get gifts or to cover the cost fo your wedding.

It's tacky, ungrateful and rude. JMO

Welcome to weddings on Long Island - where every single move you make is scrutinized, analyzed, put under a microscope and disected.

It's either you're not giving enough $ as a guest, or you're not offering a Viennese hour or you're not wearing black tie, or having low centerpieces and not high. Give up! We can't win!

You're totally right--my FH always says that someone is always offended no mater what we do (not just with the wedding)
so we shouldn't try so hard.

I already know a few things that will annoy people. . . (like the outdoor coctail hour at night in the fall. . .)

I knwo I shoudln't care, but I am afraid if I get $ gist, from freidns if they are more than I have given in the past, I will feel cheap, althugh, if they are less, I won't feel lnsulted.

Hrmm

I totally agree that Money is not the issue.
(ive tried to read this growing post and it's kind of tough)

Jann -
You are SOOOO worth every truffle! heh


I have to say that being a outsider of sorts that I am often confused by a lot of the stuff that goes on with LI wedding stuff. (not the site) I've found myself lost in the confusion more than once.

I really don't get the gift stuff at all. Whether a person can or can not afford to get me a gift I could care less. So I paid $X a head for them to eat, drink and mingle merrily at my wedding for free. So what? It's not like I didn't know this when I made the invitation list. This is why Im willing to suck it up and eat any additional unused costs for my per person plate costs. I'd rather have a present-less party with just 20 people I love then feel like I need to see who gave what for how much in a party of 100. I'm not sure why some brides let this get to them.

I thought you got married cause you loved the guy. You had a wedding cause you wanted to show the world (or those closest) how happy you were. All the rest is just details. All I want is for Jim to be emotional again as we read our vows. I want him to be stunned when he sees me. I want my Dad to cry and hug me that day. That's all. I really don't want to dance, drink or anything else. Im doing that as a GIFT TO all those people who care enough about us to show up and celebrate with us.

I didn't register for big things or expensive China I'll rarely use. I registered for practical day to day stuff. I didn't register for anything I couldn't just go buy myself (as a matter of fact we've taken stuff off as we seem to buy for ourselves anyway) If people buy us stuff, great .. thank you, love you.. wonderful.. if not, great... thank you, love you.. wonderful.

Money is such a large part of our weddings these days, why make it the only part?

(For all these reasons and more, Jim & I married in Town Hall, marrige was about us, loving eachother and committing our lives to each other, the wedding next year is just the party.)

My $.02

I recently had an engagement party with about 100 or so people. We did do it to celebrate but also to get some $ together for this wedding since we are paying for everything but the dress.

The next day while opening gifts and mostly cards I found myself saying...'Only $$? so and so gave $$$!'
People we didn’t expect to give large gifts or even anything were being compared to people who we thought would have given more.
After all was tallied it left me with a very bad taste in my mouth!
I was so ashamed to be judging people based on what they gave us.
Our world is so filthy with greed that it makes me sick and because I was a part of it I feel even worse!

I'm just glad I've learned now before the wedding so I can truly enjoy myself for what is really going on and not about breaking even!

I want to say something here that no one else has really said but, I know that to many of you it will come off sounding obnoxious. However, I feel like it is an opinion that needs to be added to this and similar discussions.

I really find it pretty appalling that many people on these boards put down engagement parties as a way to get gifts. I think it is insulting to every bride that has had an engagement party. I'm sure I speak for more than myself here. I am one of those people who had an Engagement Party, a Shower and a Wedding all in one year. What I find laughable is that anyone would suggest that I had even the slightest notion of having these parties as money making tools since my family spent thousands more on each event than we even came close to recouping. If I wanted to have more money...I would have had it by NOT having a party. I find it so funny that people on here get annoyed at a couple that has this many parties as a way to get more money out of them because as far as I know with my friends...this is NEVER the case.

As for the wedding gift debate of this thread... I admit, I am one of those people that commented on people giving small gifts. I find it almost insulting when a couple who has plenty of money attends a wedding they know is costing $250/plate and gives a $200 gift for the both of them.

It is a totally different story with people who cannot afford an extravagant gift. I have relatives that are not in a good financial position. If I got nothing but a card from them I would be happy. But, when I know someone can afford it and their gift doesn't even come close to covering half their plate...YES, i think it is rude.

As you can tell, this is kind of a sore subject for me. My Husband and I had a few arguments over this. I found it appalling that the majority of his family and friends (in an equivalent financial situation) gave, on average, half of what my family and friends gave.

That's my two cents. I'm sure many don't agree.

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Posted by Annieb

I really find it pretty appalling that many people on these boards put down engagement parties as a way to get gifts.

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I'm not going to argue, because I don't disagree, but many brides on this board have come to see engagement parties as fund raisers due to statements like the one in the post above yours.

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Posted by Ladybug63

I recently had an engagement party with about 100 or so people. We did do it to celebrate but also to get some $ together for this wedding since we are paying for everything but the dress.

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I just thought it was pretty funny that these two posts were one after the other.

To be honest, I guess I don't understand it because I don't know anyone like that. My E-Party cost my parents at least $3,000 more then we received back in gifts. As for the wedding, I won't even go there.

We knew that the e-party, like the shower and the wedding would be a huge expense. However, we did it for our family as a way to bring everyone together, for people to see people they hadn't seen in awhile etc.

Now that I realize people think like this...it makes me wonder if anyone came to my E-Party with this thought in mind! Thinking how much we spent...it makes me sick! I would rather they not come and not bring a gift because CLEARLY they are not someone I want in my life.

horse.......dead.......beating.........stop......

There's something on my BBB registry that's only like $7. My friend asked me what I would do if I got that as a present (by itself, that is). I told her I'd send a thank you note.

Especially since it's an onion chopper and there's NOTHING I hate more than chopping onions.

Wow. I never expected this many responses. I really think that I've said all I have to say. I am truly sorry if anyone was hurt or offended by what I said, but I was hurt and offended by some of the things I've seen as well, so I guess it will suffice to say that this is life and that's just the way it goes.

I have seen some things on this thread that have turned my stomach and some things that have made me wonder what people are thinking and have seen some different points of view that clarifies a few things for me - on both sides of the argument.

The only other thing I have to add is that even though our opinions may differ, the one thing that I truly appreciate more than anything is a respectable disagreement. I think this thread could have been way uglier than it was and I really admire all those who managed to try to keep their emotions out of it and simply disagree (or agree) in a rational, respectful manner.

JANNSHARI

I AGREE WITH YOU COMPLETLEY. A GIFT IS A GIFT. I AM NOT INVITING PEOPLE SO THEY CAN OUTDUE EACH OTHER WITH A GIFT, I AM INVITNG THEM BECAUSE I WANT THEM THERE TO SHARE IN THE MOST IMPT DAY OF MY LIFE.