Ok this might get long so I apologize in advanced. I'm going to give as much detail so you guys can fully understand it. Please don't quote, I'll be taking this down...
Background: FH dated a girl for 3 years. She comes from a TERRIBLE background and I feel for her, I really do. No one should go through what she has gone through. ANYWAY, when I FIRST met FH I asked him if he was on good terms with his ex (because I'm actually friendly with mine) and he goes 'If wanting her to get hit by a bus is good terms then sure.' So I knew right then and there it was not the best of breakups. Then all of a sudden after we started dating, she started texting him. She actually told him through AIM that she wanted him back. I actually laughed about it because I knew how he felt. THEN, about a year later, her dad got REALLY sick. She started calling FH when she would be upset and being the nice person that he was, he listened. She didn't really have many people to turn to and he knew the family. I told him 'Just tell me when she contacts you, so I don't feel like a complete putz not knowing.' We told me of ONE time and it was fine. I only got upset when he DIDN'T tell me. Then her dad passed away sadly and FH went to the funeral with his family since again, they knew the family for so many years. She got into a fight with her mom and got kicked out of the house shortly after the father passes. She called FSIL to live on her couch and THANKFULLY FSIL told her that would be too weird. Now, FH and I had an apartment together but we weren't engaged yet. Everyone knew he was saving for the ring and it was going to happen but it didn't yet. A little while after we moved in, FH's phone rang at 1:30AM. It was on my side so I answered the phone. IT WAS HER! The text message said 'Hey, sorry I had to ask you for rent money 2 weeks ago. I understand why you couldn't give it to me but I just had to ask.' I look at him like I'm about to FLIP on him. Now I understand that her dad died (this is all within a year and a half), she has a bad relationship with her mom, and all that jazz. She had a bf and she does have friends. I got REALLY upset and after a lot of screaming I went to the couch because I just couldn't bare sleeping next to him thinking 'what else has she asked him that he didn't tell me? All I did was ask him to tell me when she called him.'
Ok, now for the present: On Sunday we were all swimming in FH's pool and his mom mentions how FH's ex is a real party girl. I asked how she knew that and she mentioned she's friends with her on FB. REALLY?!?!?! THEN I found out FSIL, also my MOH, is friends with her on FB. AND FMIL talks to her on FB! So I thought about it for a couple of days and then asked FH why they insisted on being friends with his ex. He said 'they feel sorry for her.' I told him 'But they don't think about my feelings or how it would make me feel? I'm family! And this is why I roll my eyes when I'm told I'm part of the family! NO family member would stay friends with another persons family member especially if they aren't friendly with them anymore (I should mention that after that text message FH called his ex and told her that he couldn't talk to her anymore and it was serious with me and we were going to get married and he doesn't feel comfortable with it anymore since she crossed that line). He didn't get the big deal on why I cared about FB but I told him 'I'm just uncomfortable with it.' For me, FH shouldn't have to fully understand it, he should just say 'ok np I'll talk to them.' Well he didn't and we got into a HUGE fight over it. We finally got passed it but since I'm close with FSIL I asked her myself. 'If your mom and Franky were friends with your ex on FB would it bother you?' She said 'yes, why are they?' I told her 'no, I was just wondering if I was over reacting because it upsets me that you and your mom are still friends with Lianne.' We got INTO it! She kept telling me I was over reacting and it's completely different because FH and his ex didn't have a bad break up (I was under the impression that they did and I know they did). I'm SO hurt and upset by this. I'm going to be his FH's family all weekend and I don't know how I'm going to be able to look at all of them. It just doesn't seem right to me. I know that if my sisters came to me and told me they were upset with something I would fix it, I wouldn't just blow it off.
So my question is am I wrong or is FSIL and FMIL?
es2189
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Re: Am I wrong here?
I totally agree about the texting and the talking on the phone and asking for money. All inappropriate. As for the facebook thing, at this point I just feel like facebook is so out of control that it doesn't really make sense to make it a big deal. I am friends with 3 of my sister's ex's on facebook, 3 of my own exes, and even DH's ex. So I don't really think it's that big a deal.
IrinaBNY
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Re: Am I wrong here?
I just wrote a LONG response..and it didn't get posted..
As I was saying.. before it was rudely deleted!!! lol
I see why she would have a problem with them being friendly with her on fb. Although fb is a website..and everyone uses it these days to 'KEEP IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE'.. I don't see a reason why his family would want to keep in touch with his ex. The only thing they have in common is her FH.. so that would be the only thing they have to talk about that.
I'm pretty sure the girl has friends and other family members that she can turn to.. Why in the world would she cling on to FH's family and him?? Obviously it's because she still hopes for something to come out of it.
When my ex and I broke up.. I still kept in touch with his mom (because I thought this would bring me and ex closer and we would get back together!!!!). After I realized there was nothing else there, i stopped having anything to do with his family.. because realistically speaking.. I had NOTHING in common with them. I, of course respect his mom and if I would ever see her outside, I would say hi and give her a hug but that's as far as it would go.
allornil
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Re: Am I wrong here?
wow...I think its a big deal they're friends w her on fb.
she's an ex. its done. your FH has moved on and is with you. how can they NOT think that would bother you? How is that supporting you in any way?
its very obvious this girl has issues and your FH has no real relationship w her anymore. Why would his family want to deal with that?
and..I agree, she's shady. your inlaws are moronic keeping that channel open.
I had a similar situation last week w an old college friend of FH's contacting him w her issues.. she eventually crossed a line and sent an inappropriate text which made me enraged. FH ended the friendship immediately and rudely
If my inlaws were friends w her I'd tell them off pretty fast. I;d feel very disrespectred.
win01
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Re: Am I wrong here?
I would calmly talk to FH alone soon and resolve this situation between the two of you BEFORE you are married.. It will only fester and cause fighting afterward...I would insist no more texts and calls between the two of them period. It seems like he tried this but didn't stick with it, and she will continue... I don't think it is unrealistic a request and since they share no children there is no reason for contact. His family can FB whoever they want. I would limit my FB access and only with my select family/friends and if you feel they are feeding her info, then I would restrict what the family sees also... Don't play into this woman's drama as you will only end up ill over it.
Lil OC
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Re: Am I wrong here?
I am def with you on this one. There is NOOOO reason why anyone should have this train-wreck in their lives. I would not be okay with this AT ALL.
dctead
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Re: Am I wrong here?
I think its disrespectful to you for them to talk to her on FB...
and all because they 'feel sorry for her'..
its tough that she's had it rough, but honestly, that has nothing to do with you or your relationship with your FH
...and your FH's family should care about your feelings - not this person who your FH would't mind geting hit by a bus..
I think you have every right to be upset.
Windy
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Re: Am I wrong here?
I understand your feelings bc I have the same issue with an ex of FH. During the 1st year FH and I were together we broke up a lot and everytime we did he'd end up back with her for a couple of weeks. But fast forward 7 years and she is the accountant for his whole family! So annoying. But there is nothing that I can do about it. FH knows that I dont want him in any kind of contact with her but theres nothing I can do about his family.
jmgoncal
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Re: Am I wrong here?
Posted by weddingbees
I don't think its a problem that they are friends with her on facebook. It's not like you asked them not to be.
...I DO think its a problem that your FH has chosen to ignore your request to keep you in the loop.
If my FH was doing that... I'd consider it lying to me.
You guys need to talk about this NOW.
ITA - 10000%
Iluvpoodles
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Re: Am I wrong here?
I would be pissed. I know you said in your post something like they told her that you two were getting serious, aren't you engaged? How much more serious can you get? Also, FB is just that, FB. FB is for people you know or have known in the past. It don't mean they are actual friends with her in real life. The thing that bothers me is the 1 am calling and asking your FH for rent money. She must feel very close to him to be asing for money like that. And you say she has a BF and friends? So then what is the obesession with FH? Sounds odd to me. You can't control who is family talks to though. I have to add too I think a man who is engaged should not be talking to ANY ex's either.
Lsorrent
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Re: Am I wrong here?
Posted by weddingbees
I don't think its a problem that they are friends with her on facebook. It's not like you asked them not to be.
...I DO think its a problem that your FH has chosen to ignore your request to keep you in the loop.
If my FH was doing that... I'd consider it lying to me.
You guys need to talk about this NOW.
What she said.
Mrs Z To Be
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Re: Am I wrong here?
Posted by ourwedding9510
I keep going back and forth on this. Who am I to tell them who they can and cannot be friends with? Then again, I don't feel comfortable because now she'll see what's going on with the wedding and all the pictures that we have. She's CRAZY this girl and I'm scared shes going to show up to this wedding or something else!!! I don't like her knowing what's going on in our lives. I just want this girl gone!
This is what would bother me. That she has access to your info basically. And, why does she need it???
I am friends with my bros ex on FB, but then she started PM'ing me about him and his wife, and I got off facebook entirely. (Not just bc of that, but you get the message). To answer your question, I agree with you. HOwever, you can't exactly tell them NOT to be friends with her, but you can voice your feelings about it. GL hon
Shallots
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Re: Am I wrong here?
I don't think it's a problem, but I do understand why you would be upset about it initially. I'd let it sit for a few days, and eventually it might pass.
Also: I might be careful about his family members, and taking it any further with them. They could interpret it as you telling them who they can and can't be friends with, which could engender some resentment. Maybe not rightly so, but you know - that's how it rolls sometimes.
JAAMS
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Re: Am I wrong here?
Ehh I see where you are coming from...I don't think anyone is 'wrong' though. I can see why you're upset; however, I can also see why they wouldn't think it's a big deal.
I would just let it go. It's just facebook, ya know?
jennybee
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Re: Am I wrong here?
Posted by Lsorrent
Posted by weddingbees
I don't think its a problem that they are friends with her on facebook. It's not like you asked them not to be.
...I DO think its a problem that your FH has chosen to ignore your request to keep you in the loop.
If my FH was doing that... I'd consider it lying to me.
You guys need to talk about this NOW.
What she said.
Agree completely. Keep this between you and FH. THAT is what matters. Let him understand how important disclosure and honesty are...
wenR
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Re: Am I wrong here?
I understand where ur coming from but you cannot control other people's actions. Ur basically picking out their friends and the last time someone tried doing that to me .. lets just say it did not go well. Try not to stress out and don't think about it. You won, you have your man.
FinallyMrsS2010
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Re: Am I wrong here?
OH MY GOD, OP - I can relate to you because I was in a similar boat in college with my then ex-boyfriend. Not in the same sequence of events, but basically we were engaged and then he met someone new and she was just this woman he met in class who had a 'lot of emotional issues as a child and needed me to be there as a friend for her'..
Well fast forward 6 months later, we called off the engagement and a year later he ended up marrying her.
Listen, all I will say is do NOT sit down with FH and explicitly forbid him from talking to her or being on FB w/ her. Any time you tell a man 'I won't let you talk to her because it hurts me', its basically a license to have him find a way to talk to her and go against your wishes. Guys do NOT respond well to (1) ultimatums, and (2) feeling as if their GF/wife/fiancee can 'control' their friendships.
Clearly, FH and his family are OFF THEIR ROCKERS for still talking to this girl after he knows how you really feel about her still being in FH's life. His excuse that 'ohh but my FSIL and my family feel sorry for her' is ABSOLUTE BU***L*L****HIT' and you know it. You simply do not discuss it, and find a way to make sure that if things with this chick and FH progress more, that you are willing to even walk away from this engagement and make it clear to him that he can't have his cake and eat it too.
When I think about the excuses I made for FH to include this woman in his life, I just get really angry. Men will try to keep ex-es in their life because it makes them feel like they have a 'back up plan' even if you are 10x better in every department than the ex. FH has to stop talking to this chick NOW. No contact, no email, no texts, no phone calls, no Facebook, nothing!...And the only way you can do that w/o resorting to an ultimatum is to find out WHY he feels compelled to 'help' her out when she 'needs' it.
Lots of because this is a very hard situation.
FutureMrsG
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Re: Am I wrong here?
Personally I think you are overreacting. If you trust your FH it should not matter that he has kept in contact with his ex. Your future in laws can be friends with her on FB if they choose you really do not have any right to tell them who they can and cannot talk to.
ourwedding9510
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Re: Am I wrong here?
Thanks girls!
I think there is a little misunderstanding though. Ever since the text, he told his ex that he didn't feel that it was appropriate to speak to each other anymore because she had crossed the line. He has NO contact with her anymore! It's the fact that his mother and sister are friends with her.
And most of you are right, FB is just that, FB. HOWEVER, if it's just FB why be friends with someone on there. And why feel the need to talk to them. I was raised in a family that if it makes someone in the family uncomfortable, then we don't do it. Family should come first. I think me being hurt also stems from hearing 'you're not just a daughter in law to me, I see you as a daugter.' And FSIL says the same thing about being sisters. I don't think my mom or sisters would EVER remain friends with ANY of our exes. FH asked them to de-friend his ex because he didn't like it and they said no as well because 'they feel bad'. How do you feel bad for the ex but not for her son/brother?
