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am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

libby2595 Posted:

am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

i've been avoiding posting because it seems that, lately, i only post about the CRAP going on around my wedding. but, to be honest, i have no one to talk to about this. i really need some perspective.

on sunday, six days before our wedding, my fh's bil bailed on us for music. he plays bass in a band and they were going to play for our wedding.

bil has ASSUMED that the band would be having a table just like the guests... BUT DID NOT TELL ME OF HIS ASSUMPTION. he feels that these are his 'boy' and need to be treated as such.

mind you, i have voiced MANY times how i wanted a SMALL wedding and was having issues about the guest list.

during the summer, i mentioned to fh that i wanted the band to look professional. i wanted them to look polished. fh said ok.

while i was compiling the seating chart fh asks where would the BAND'S TABLE be????!!!! i was like, 'WHAT???!!!' they are WORKING! they are not guests. fh says ok. he keeps using the 'i'm just a guy' as an excuse for his stupidity.

on sunday, as we're looking at the venue, bil says that the space that is designated for the music 'is not good enough'. HE WANTED TO PUT THE BAND BETWEEN THE TABLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND FH WAS GOING RIGHT ALONG WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i remind them both that there are ELDERLY people in the crowd. then they wanted to move the band to THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR.

i was ready to die. when i mention to fh, FOR THE 10TH TIME, to remind bil that the band is not to drink where guests can see them.... as in, they are not to go to the bar. i don't want my guests who have traveled ACROSS THE COUNTRY to have to wait in line at the bar BEHIND THE HIRED HELP. if they wanted to sneak a beer, i don't care. i'm not a natzi.

before i even finish the sentence, fh SCREAMS to bil, 'HEY JOSE, SHE DOESN'T WANT THE BAND TO DRINK DURING THE PARTY. OH, AND THEY CAN HAVE ALL THE LEFT OVER BEER AT THE END OF THE PARTY TO TAKE HOME WITH THEM!!!!!!!!!'

no one says another damn word to me. everyone goes their own way. later, that night, bil says he's not playing [PERIOD]. i wanted to die.

now, i'm being told talked about in the family. i'm the bad guy because i was so opressive to the 'poor band'. fh actually wants me to 'meet halfway' with bil to make things better. fh is telling me that he can not live with his family at odds with each other. and we wants me to APOLOGIZE for not making it clear what i was expecting from the band early on..... UM, I DID... TO YOU (fh)!!! ALL ALONG!!!! why am i the person who is responsible for this family's harmony????

i'm not the one who BAILED SIX DAYS BEFORE MY BIL'S WEDDING AND LEFT HIM HIGH AND DRY TO HAVE TO PAY OUT THE BUTT FOR A DJ AT THE LAST MINUTE!!!!

mind you, i've put up with a lot of SH!T from his family during the entire wedding planning.

do i need to 'meet half way' when i did nothing wrong??

if anyone is to blame it's bil and fh. they are the one's who do can't communicate with each other or with others.

i just want some validation that i was not the one who started this. and i was not the one who took it to this ridiculous level... because THE ENTIRE FAMILY IS INVOLVED NOW
dgirl Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

WOW. I definitely do not think you are wrong. I have never been to a wedding where the band is in the middle of the dance floor, between tables, or anywhere else other than the designated band area period! Drinking? No way!

On the bright side, if they did wind up playing and were all disgruntled, they might not have put in their best effort to get everyone up and dancing.

I'm sorry you are going through this but I definitely think you are right!!
kitty1224 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

I agree with you about not having the band be trashed at the wedding. There is a space for every band at the halls, its not in the middle of the tables. Are you paying them? You want them to act like any band you would have hired on your own, thats what they do not understand. I think they are thinking its a relaxed hanging out type of thing, which I do not like. Have you found a band or DJ to play for your wedding? If so go with them, pay the money and tell the family that you do not want to fight, but you would expect from any band because it is your day. Hang in there. We are here for you!

snydl40 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

Regardless of whether he is your FBIL or not-if you guys hired them-then NO drinking and they set up where you tell them to. An outside vendor would not give you these problems-I would call around and find a DJ now. Good luck!

libby2595 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

thank you all for replying... all i wanted was something well done.

i don't know any of the guys in the band besides fh's bil. how on earth would i have it set up so that they have their own table, meanwhile, i'm having issues with my mother about inviting FAMILY... distant relatives, but family none-the-less.

and, yes, i found a dj. who is costing me a lot of money, mind you.

i just feel like sh!t because fh is making me feel like the fabric of HIS family is dependant on my 'sitting and talking things out' with his bil. i'm not the one who ASSUMED that my 'buddies' were going to be treated like INVITED guests.

how am i supposed to keep my self-respect in this situation
kitty1224 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

I would just tell FMIL that you thought that they understood it was a business relationship and that just because he's family does not mean the band could hang out. Tell them that you do not want to fight about it so you are hiring a DJ so there is no friction between the family.

Dee606 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

wow! That is a big problem. You were totally right in all aspects. He should understand that he is getting paid for his PROFESSIONAL services, he sounds like he is trying to take advantage.
Ask your FH to imagine your wedding day....to imagine the band stumbling and messing up songs after having several drinks- maybe even messing up your first dance song... ask him to imagine poor grandma & grandpa having to sit next to the loud music & not having a good time because of it.
I do not think you should apologize. Maybe you can try to talk it over with bil and explain again in a nice way about the drinking. If he doesn't get it, I think you may need a new band.
Good luck
kitty1224 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

Do not apologize, but just try to let it go. It is a crazy time, very stressful, hang in there.
kewlpuff Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

being the law student here, supposedly objective and all... ya da yada... i'd have to side with you on this one. simply because you have made your intentions known from day 1. fh can not ignore that fact and go on about how you need to apologize to his family for an intention he knew yet could not bring himself to confront. it is not your sole fault for what happened. if anything, it would have to be both persons fault for not setting expectations with bil much earlier in the wedding planning process. IMO, thru experience, i'd have to say bringing any family member into any type of business or large scale event planning means trouble. magnified, that is the reason for so much corruption amongst family run businesses in Asia... but i digress... try to sit down and talk this over with fh and bil, preferably with a few of your bm's or close friends who know the situation well.

rojerono Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

You don't owe them an explanation. I would tell FH that he can tell his family why HE did not fully explain the situation earlier if he chooses. I would tell FH that HIS BIL put you in one of the worst, most stressful positions that any bride can be in and that if ANYTHING BIL owes YOU an explanation and apology. And then end it.

Don't waste your tears or your worry. Let it go. You have a beautiful wedding to finish planning. If BIL is pissed - Oh Well - so are you. But you are letting it go and carrying on like an adult, and so can he.

Chin up, big smile. You are going to have a WONDERFUL day!
Tracyann1976 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

I don't think you are wrong. It's just hard to involve family. Fh wanted his friend to DJ but decided against it because he wanted him there as a guest instead. Your FH sounds like that's what he wanted too. You just really can't have both.

LBride Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

I went to a wedding where the band sat with the guests and in my opinion in looked terrible... several people commented on it... out of like the 10 weddings we've been to, that was the only one that had the band at a table

ML110 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

i don't think you were wrong at all... if anything, its FHs fault for not relaying information to BIL about what you wanted. the only thing i think you could hvae done differently is gotten everything in writing from the beginning. you guys should have both sat down with BIL back then and explained how you wanted things to go before he decided if he wanted to do it and then had him sign something in agreement...
it also sounds like bil has issues, too... sounds like he is full of himself ' the playing area isn't good enough'- who is he, bon jovi??? come on now!
i think you and fh should sit down and explain your side of things to bil and try to head off any hurt feelings.
then, i would hire a DJ and take this whole thing as a lesson in not bringing family into business transactions...
JennyAl Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

you are NOT wrong!! sometimes it s hard dealing w/ fmaily and business. FH should be on totally ur side from the get-go and understand y....

libby2595 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

ladies, thank you for your time. i know my post was veeeeery long.

i did my best to have a good night's rest, and my eyes are no longer swollen.

i was REALLY thinking that i was going crazy for sticking to my guns.

i will do this... i will not speak about it to fh anymore. i will let it go. i will move on with my life. fh obviously still wants to marry me, still wants a life with me... this is HIS relationship with his family. i need to 'stand by my man' in what kind of relationship he wants with HIS family.

BUT I DID NOTHING WRONG AND I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE for the fact that fh and bil don't know how to speak english to each other.

again, thank you so much for your time. i feel sane.... ok, semi-sane now.

October Bliss Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

IMHO, you are not wrong EVEN IF you hadn't said anything. BIL should know how musicians are supposed to act during a wedding. He should know that they don't mingle with the guests, they don't eat with the guests, and they most certainly do not consume alcohol while working. If BIL doesn't know all this, then his band (and his 'boys') need to take some classes on professionalism if they expect to get anywhere. Performing at a wedding is not playing a few songs in the garage or the local bar. They are so flat out wrong it is not even funny, and to blame you b/c they don't have a clue is ludicrous!!!
Kara and Todd Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

In addition to what October Bliss said, professional musicians also do not tell a bride where they will and will not play (i.e. in the middle of the dance floor or where the bride puts them).

Your FBIL is acting unprofessional - and your FH should have been a LOT clearer about intentions. It sounds to me like this is all falling on you b/c your FH didn't want to make any waves in the family by correcting his brother's ASSumptions. That's completely unfair to everyone!

Your FH should be the one to step up and stand up to his family. It shouldn't fall on you - and your FH should NOT tolerate his family talking badly about you. He needs to stand up for you - In no way were you wrong or unreasonable.
CLMon7906 Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

Your requirements were PERFECTLY normal and would be the NORMAL requirements of a band you had hired from elsewhere. Vendors DON'T typically eat WITH the guests. Your BIL is an IDIOT and giant sized JERK. And a few other words I will refrain from using.
thelastresort Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

Men are so stupid!!! I can totally sympathize with you! The communication skills are absolutely lacking. Feel comforted knowing it's my FH too and I'm sure other girls on here know how it feels. Your requests are totally not abnormal. If it was any other wedding, he would not have been requesting that type of treatment. He's an idiot. Obviously unprofessional. Don't apologize. FH should be the one apologizing to you for not saying something to your BIL sooner.

TheFutureMrsM Posted:

Re: am i wrong? (long... but i've been crying all day about this)

How can a band expect to have a TABLE when they should be playing music???

When would they even have time to sit at the table, what would be playing while they are sitting around having a grand ol time??

You are so right on this one, I am glad you found a replacement, i think it will be well worth it.
and do not apologize

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