Any thoughts? personal,

Thank you

First... sorry you have to deal with this. One thing I think your mom probably still has a lot of issues with your dad leaving (but those are not your issues)

2nd thing is being that my father passed away over almost 20 years ago (leaving my mom as a young widow) moms always want what is best for their children and more. I know sometimes my mom still questions us and we've been together for 8+ years. Sometimes you just have to listen to them vent and tell them all the wonderful things about your FH

As for things getting worse..no one can predict the future..anything can happen in life people have to work at any marriage it can't just be 'Oh we're married now so everything is fine'..everything is work

Hang in there

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I'm sure that it is difficult anticipating one of the most important days of your life without the support of your mother. I'm sure that there are many reasons why your mom is reacting like this. Partly because she was deeply hurt by your father and partly because she is terrified of being alone once you get married. You do have to keep reminding yourself that this is your life and that even though she is putting pressure on you to not get married, you need to do what is right for you. Something similar happened to someone in my extended family. The mother of the person in my family lost her husband and only had one daugther (no sons). Anytime the daughter would bring someone home the mom would disapprove. The daugther would listen to the mom everytime and ended up never getting married. Years later, the mom has passed away and now the daughter is the one alone because the mom was too afraid of being alone and allowing her daughter to live her own life. The daughter was in her 50s I think when her mom passed. I think it's important to talk to you mom and try to understand why she is being so negative towards you about your relationship. Try to talk to her and tell her that every marriage is different and that you are optimistic that yours will be happy and healthy. Also try to reinforce with her that you are not leaving her. Tell her that you understand why she may be reluctant about your marriage but that even though you won't be living with her anymore you will continue to be there for her and support her because you know how much she needs you. I HTH! If you want to talk feel free to FM me.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this when most people anticipate this time being one of the most exciting times in their lives.

First, you sound very strong and that you understand the situation. You mentioned how you are worried how your mom is going to survive without you living at home and she is probably worried about the same thing. Of course, she should not be causing you anxiety and stress trying to make you question if you should marry the man you love but unfortunately that is how she is possibly dealing with the situation. Have you spoke to your mom about how she is going to take care of herself financially when you leave or that you are still going to help her in some way? Maybe discussing this part will ease her mind.

Secondly, some parents find it very very hard to accept that their 'baby' is growing up and moving on with their lives. I am not saying by any means that you are leaving her but things will change for both of you. You will be living somewhere else, she will be at home by herself now (unless you have siblings), and maybe she is afraid of how your relationship will change. Change is scary and sometimes people don't deal with it very well.

Everyone has their problems. My FH and I are not perfect and we do not have a perfect relationship but we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together being imperfect together. The best advice that anyone ever told me was that marriage is not easy. You are taking two people from different families, backgrounds, ideals, and values and are trying to combine them into one perfect little family. Things do not have to get worse when you are married but things might change. It sounds like you and your FH have went through your fair share of issues and here you are today still wanting to get married. It shows to me that you guys are able to communicate and work through tough stuff together. Don't let someone else question your love for someone else and your decision to marry this man. Your mom is worried for you because her husband up and left her but if you speak to a couple that has been married for 30, 40, or 50 years I am sure they would give you different advice than your mother.

Everything is going to be ok. Enjoy planning your wedding and speak to your mom about how you are confident in your decision. The truth is in 30 years from now your husband could run off with a younger woman but you can't predict that now and that shouldn't prevent you from ever getting married because of the 'what ifs...'

Thank you so much. I really needed some perspective. One problem is it's impossible to sit down and have a talk with my mother about anything. She won't listen, she gets totally offended and she's really unreasonable

She always tells me how she didn't raise me to be so stupid and she's a bad mother and blah blah. She's really melodramatic. She's even constantly encouraging my sister to get a divorce in an indirect way. it's really bad.

When anyone talks about weddings she gets really disgusted in general adn makes faces, and basically says people don't know what they're getting into, or she doens't know what the hype is about or whatever.

Or on the other hand she's telling me she'll take out another mortgage so I can get married at Russos on the Bay.

It's just so hard to deal sometimes.

As we speak, she's ranting and raving in the next room because her clothes are tight. She makes a huge deal over EVERYTHING.

She even initially gave me hell for deciding to have my wedding on a Sunday. The next battle is that I'm not having a mass (FH is Jewish), and she's bascally nasty about doing anything to cater to his family at the wedding, like their religion doesn't count or something.

Excuse me for crashing...I just wanted to say how sorry that I am that you are going through this. I t sounds like your mom is feeling sorry for herself, and is angry and bitter at her situation and at your father, and taking it out on you. She probably doesn;t mean to, but she probably feels abandoned and is lashing out at you because of it in any way she can- she lost your father unfairly and now she is losing you. ALthough it will be hard and she is making you feel guilty, you have to know that you are doing the right thing for yourself by embracing your future. It is ultimately her responsibility to deal with what happened to her and move on...try not to let her situation get to you, hard as it sounds...recognize that she's in a hard place and doesn't seem to want you to move on, because she knows that deep down, she needs to do the same and hasn't been able to.
Good luck

I am sorry to hear about the hardships you are facing right now. Planning a wedding can be stressful enough that to feel unsupported can place so much additional stress.

When I read your post the part that stood out to me was the fear your mom's statements have instilled in you. It is important to remember that everyone's relationship is different. And as you said you and your FH have overcome a lot of hard times. If you were able to make it through hardships in the past, then you should focus on you and your FH's ability to work out problems. As I am sure you have heard from people who are married, the first year of marriage can be difficult (especially if you and your FH haven't been living together) as you adjust to the change. That being said, you need to keep in mind that you marriage takes work at time, but you and your FH have chosen to spend your lives together because you two deeply care about one another. Focus on the strengths of your relationship instead of the possibly future hardships.

In terms of your mother, just try to emphasize to her how much you and your FH care about one another and how important her support is to you. Has she ever considered seeing a therapist with whom she can talk about things with?

I hope things getter better. If you need anything or to vent you can always FM me.