Not sure what my problem is...I just can't seem to get my head around the idea of changing my name. I dont even like my name...his name is much better. Its just that I've had this name for thirty-something years, and it just seems weird that it will just change overnight. FH doesnt understand, whats the big deal? he says. He doesnt understand my fear of change/identity crisis. I am not going to make a decision either way until after the wedding, and then see how I feel then. Anyone else feel this way, and what did you end up doing?
PoppedInASnap
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
Im not sure. The reason is because IM a teacher and FHs name is very italian... mine is a simple irish....
kinda lost...
CMS
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
I'm going to be a 38 year old bride and I will be keeping my maiden name. I told FH the issue is not up for discussion and he couldn't care less.
hb123
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
I completely understand and that is why I am keeping my maiden name. At first, FH was upset, but he got over it. I am a 34 year old, independant, professional woman. I have always had this name, it is part of my identity and I don't want to change it, so I'm not.
No matter what you end up doing, you need to be comfortable with your final decision. I read a post from a woman who reluctantly agreed to change her name....she still resented her husband for it after 15 years of marriage.
Tria1110
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
This was a deal breaker for my DH.
But I am pretty traditional and wouldn't have thought to keep my maiden name. Changing my name actually went pretty smoothly and uneventfully. It seemed the natural thing to do!
BoxOfRocks
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
I kept my last name. DH and I are not of the same cultural background and I wanted to retain my heritage in a visible way. Although the concept of becoming an entirely new person is tempting.
Posted by roan126
FH doesnt understand, whats the big deal? he says. He doesnt understand my fear of change/identity crisis.
I must admit this sounds pretty insensitive of him. Why don't you ask him to change his name, and then he can see what a 'big deal' it is to you.
Butterfly123
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
It has never bothered me about changing my name. Im really excited about it. Sometimes I think its because FH doesnt have a big family and we will have the opportunity of passing the name down. I also love his last name. But its natural to worry about it. How can we not have an attachment to the last name we've been using our whole lives. He should understand.
iwannabmrsD
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
this is a huge thing with fh and i .. we had a HUGE blowout over it but it was pretty much a decision only i could make.. i'm not changing my last name for many of the reasons ladies have mentioned.. including my father's passing and me having his last name..
and yes when we had the discussion, fh was HEATED and he said we needed to be one and me being the quick thinker told him he could change his last name to mine if a name was going to make us 'one' and that pretty much ended the argument because he wasn't trying to hear that either..
i'm 30 yrs old, i'm a professional, and I've established myself and my name. i'm not interested in changing it and im just not. end of story.
our kids will have fhs' last name and my last name as a middle name.
hb123
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
I have to be honest, I'm really concerned for those of you who said that not changing your name would be a 'deal breaker' for your FH. I understand that this is a very personal decision for everybody, but shouldn't a relationship be about more than just a name?
My FH was pretty hurt at first that I would not be changing my name, but our relationship is so much more than that and he got over it.
meshelly
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
Im not changing my name. I like my name first off, and if I change it my initials would be MMM how lame is that! plus I have excellent credit (at the moment) and he has ok credit and if I change my name credit goes down and I think its better to have good credit in the long run.
JackieV
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
i cant wait to change my name!!! i'm going to miss my old name but its ok.. i'll get over it
bluekat16
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
I feel the same way about my last names...I've had it for my 30+ years and now all of a sudden it's going to change.
What my FH and I decided is that professionally I will hyphenate my name with his, because I'm already established with my last name in my industry. However, legally I'm changing it to his name. When we plan to have children they will have his last name and I want to have the same last name as them.
While it is daunting and scary, it's something that is important to him and I and we found some sort of middle ground that we're both comfortable with. Remeber there is nothing wrong with feeling anxiety/loss over your name.
roan126
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
Its really a tough thing. He's not insensitive to it, but he would just like a good reason for me to keep my name...other than my fear of change and identity crisis. As for work, he's just thinks that people will get to know me by a different name...which is true, people do it all the time. I do want to take his name in some capacity...I'm not necessarily against changing it. I'm just having a hard time with the concept.
lizzzie35
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
Posted by T E R I
I totally understand. My last name is 80% of the time mis-pronounced and misspelled, but I think I will end up missing that. FH last name is very plain and boring and can't really be misspelled or mis-pronounced.
This is the reason I can't wait to change my last name!!! My full name has 24 letters. I hate signing credit card receipts because it takes forever to sign and half the time I just sign the first 4 letters and scribble the rest. FH has a nice 6 letter last name and I can't wait to make it mine!
But... I say to each his own...
BoxOfRocks
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
Posted by roan126
He's not insensitive to it, but he would just like a good reason for me to keep my name...other than my fear of change and identity crisis.
Perhaps the fear is something you should explore. But maintaining your current identity can certainly be a good reason to keep it.
Would any reason satisfy him or be sufficiently 'good?' If you said, 'I just don't want to--I like my last name and that's that!', what would his reaction be? Would merely being affirmative about keeping your name (rather than being fearful of getting a new one) be enough?
No need to respond if you don't want to; the above questions were meant merely to stimulate thought.
mjay
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
i have been thinking about hypenating it but then it will be really long because my first name is long and my FH last name is long,, So I am not sure as of now.. but more than likely I will hypenate it,,
roan126
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
Posted by BoxOfRocks
Posted by roan126
He's not insensitive to it, but he would just like a good reason for me to keep my name...other than my fear of change and identity crisis.
Perhaps the fear is something you should explore. But maintaining your current identity can certainly be a good reason to keep it.
Would any reason satisfy him or be sufficiently 'good?' If you said, 'I just don't want to--I like my last name and that's that!', what would his reaction be? Would merely being affirmative about keeping your name (rather than being fearful of getting a new one) be enough?
No need to respond if you don't want to; the above questions were meant merely to stimulate thought.
Thanks- its not so much him...if I told him that I'm keeping my name, he wouldn't be happy but he'd deal with it. Its more me...I just am ambivalent about the whole issue.
wundmoretime
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
I am on the fence also. FH said he assumes I am taking his last name and would be insulted if I didn't. We are both over 35. It is even more confusing for us. I was married once b4 and have 2 kids. I hypenated my last name the first time. I was planning on doing that this time. FH feels that means I don't plan on being around forever or I would have no prob with the change. I went back to the maiden name after the divorce, for most things, except for the kids' school. Everyone at worked was confused but figured it out. It is very time consuming. I stopped making the change last year after how much work it was and if I needed to do it again this year. I needed to wait until the final divorce to make the change although we were separated for four years. We were also talking about having 1 kid. I am really confused on what to do. My daughter teases me and calls me by the first, middle, maiden, old married name and future name. Can it get any longer?
gettinghizitched
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
I hate my last name and FHs last name isn't any better but I still can't wait to have his last name. I'm sure it will be weird at first but I'm sure I'll get over it.
MayWeddingGrl
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Re: Anyone not sure whether to change your name?
I think parting with my last name is the main reason that I hestiate in wanting to change my last name. But after a lot of consideration, I'm starting to think it won't be so bad. By taking his last name its a way to honor my FH and start our new life together.
I had a friend that didn't change her last name for professional reasons, and I know is irritates her husband all the time when they are out at events and people refer to him as her last name.
