Ay, ay, ay... what I was dreading, happened...

So, we got an RSVP in the mail on Saturday. My mom didn't want to ruin my bachelorette party, so she waited until today to tell me.

It was from one of my cousins who stopped talking to my entire family for 6 years after my brother's wedding over the fact that my brother didn't have kids at the wedding, and wouldn't make an exception for her or her sister. They - including my aunt - alienated themselves from the whole rest of our family - including uncles (my mom's brothers). So my mom didn't talk to her sister for 6 years. My brother made efforts to make amends, but my aunt (who you can picture the evil stepmother from Cinderella - she always reminded me of her) refused to make things better. So... just until recently, when my aunt needed my mom in a health emergency (they live right across the street from each other... talk about awkward!) and my mom drove her, did they start talking. I told my mom she could invite them all to my bridal shower in hopes we could all get along again. They insisted on bringing the girls to that (aged 6 and 8). Fine... it's a bridal shower. I always went to theirs.

Now, we do NOT want kids at our wedding, except my nephew/ringbearer and one of my FH's 3 nephews - a Jr. groomsman. That's it. We wrote 'Adult Attendance Requested' on the invitation. And we put ____ of 2 will attend on their invitations so they knew just 2 were invited. Could NOT have been more clear. Well, we get the RSVP back from my one cousin in pretty purple ink with hearts drawn all over with the 2 crossed out and the 3 in its place! And for the names, Baby Cousin Sarah (we have the same name) written in with the adults' names.

My solution was to say.. fine. Whatever. I give up. Then I told my mom we can't have my second cousins here and not all three of Joe's first nephews. It's not fair. So, I told my FH the whole story today, and he brought us back to reality (my brother - and all of us really agree here). Why are we giving in? We said no kids. Period. We don't want kids running around at the wedding. I thought that telling him that he could have his nephews would avoid a fight with us, but he (and I) really just don't want kids there!

The OTHER problem is that we're not even sure, at this point, if we're gonna meet our minimum! We're at 65 yeses right now - with a LOT missing. If we don't allow their kids, they won't come. That's 5 adults I would have liked to be there. I really like them.

But this is like a big chess game where now it's our move. But, it's not so much a battle of wills with us as much as that we just don't want KIDS at our wedding! As it is, my brother is getting a babysitter for the bridal suite and my FSIL is sending her nephew home half way through so she can have a good time!

My mom gives up. She's upset that her sister's kids would put us through this, but also knows that we always went to all of their weddings as kids (in the 80's). But, I think that was a different time. Weddings have taken on a different tone now. And my FH and I are pretty set on not wanting kids.

Sorry so long, but what the heck do we do?

I totally feel your pain. We have meny kids on both sides of our families. His kids are all first cousins, but mine are 2nd cousins. it's different for me though because we're so close, and my cousins kids will be a part of the wedding. I would be devastated if someone did to me. If you don't want another family fued, you might just have to include them. As my FH always tells mek, even though I hate that he's right, you need to be the bigger person. You can express your concern and how your feelings were hurt after the wedding if you want.

You're always welcome to vent to us! I'll listen. good luck and try not to let it ruin your big day!

I think that you basically have 2 choices. 1- to allow the kids or 2- to stand firm on your decision.

We ran into a similar problem although we did say we would have our 8 neices and nephews at our wedding. But we were getting to the point where OOT family members were coming alone (without spouses) or weren't coming because they couldn't bring the kids. We decided to allow them to bring the kids and now we have 16 kids instead of 8. In my mind, in the grand scheme of things it is not that big of a deal because I want our family to be there.

Also, when talking about count be careful if your minimum includes kids or not. Our min was adults not counting the kids. And kids under 5 were less than kids 6-12.

Hope that helps a little! I know it is a tough situation.

I can totally see it from both sides!

What about explaining the situation and telling them that you really intended to not invite children because of a lot of reasons, and let them know that once you get your rsvp's back you will know better if its doable? You can let them know that you didn't plan on having children there, but should you wind up under the minimum you would be able to make the exception? I think you should let them know that you didn't really plan for kids being there though. Maybe they don't realize?

Sounds like she did that out of spite with the little purple hearts on there. She's not stupid. Honestly, I would leave it alone, let them come, let them stick out like a sore thumb with basically the only kid there and kind of ignore them. They will look pretty ridiculous being the only ones with a kid there. Your day is going to be so full of so many other things you probably won't even notice them. Honestly, I would just save face, let her come and let them look like idiots. You have many more important things to be worrying about and more more exciting things to look foward to.

eta- and if anyone else at the wedding asks why they brought a kids and theirs wasn't invited, jsut tell them they diregarded your feeling and brought the kid anyone, make em look like bigger fools!

I guess the way I'm looking at it is .... what about your other guests? They know it's an 'adult' only event, so they all have to arrnage to have child care so they can attend your event. What do you think they will say/think if when they get there and kids are there?

So to make long advice short......say no and that's that, or say yes, but then you'll have to contact your other guests to let them know that if they kids they're able to bring them (only to be fair to everyone).

HTH 'S

Ok, maybe I'm a total beyotch...

BUT, your aunt was spiteful enough to distance herself from the family for a long time. Then because she NEEDED your mother during a crisis, she now just picks up and opens the communication lines?! I'm sorry, but this is your day...and until the crisis in your family she wasn't going to be invited, correct?

The rules are the rules - for EVERYONE - especially when its YOUR wedding that you are shelling out a BOATLOAD of money for.

Your mother or someone else needs to tell her that children are not allowed and it wouldn't be fair for those who have already RSVP'ed no BECAUSE of the 'no kids' rule (the people who were playing by the rules!!). Because she's your mother's sister doesn't give her the right to just disregard your wishes. How disrespectful!

Look, if she wasn't invited before, will you miss her there if she doesn't come because of the 'no kids' clause?

You will meet your guarantee. And you know what? If you don't, you wouldn't be happy by having the kids be filler - just so you could meet the minimum.

Ooh, that kinda stuff fires me up. Remember whose day it is. YOURS!!

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Posted by beachbum05

Ok, maybe I'm a total beyotch...

BUT, your aunt was spiteful enough to distance herself from the family for a long time. Then because she NEEDED your mother during a crisis, she now just picks up and opens the communication lines?! I'm sorry, but this is your day...and until the crisis in your family she wasn't going to be invited, correct?

The rules are the rules - for EVERYONE - especially when its YOUR wedding that you are shelling out a BOATLOAD of money for.

Your mother or someone else needs to tell her that children are not allowed and it wouldn't be fair for those who have already RSVP'ed no BECAUSE of the 'no kids' rule (the people who were playing by the rules!!). Because she's your mother's sister doesn't give her the right to just disregard your wishes. How disrespectful!

Look, if she wasn't invited before, will you miss her there if she doesn't come because of the 'no kids' clause?

You will meet your guarantee. And you know what? If you don't, you wouldn't be happy by having the kids be filler - just so you could meet the minimum.

Ooh, that kinda stuff fires me up. Remember whose day it is. YOURS!!

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Wow... very well put! Will you call my aunt for us? lol

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Posted by sarahradio5

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Posted by beachbum05

Ok, maybe I'm a total beyotch...

BUT, your aunt was spiteful enough to distance herself from the family for a long time. Then because she NEEDED your mother during a crisis, she now just picks up and opens the communication lines?! I'm sorry, but this is your day...and until the crisis in your family she wasn't going to be invited, correct?

The rules are the rules - for EVERYONE - especially when its YOUR wedding that you are shelling out a BOATLOAD of money for.

Your mother or someone else needs to tell her that children are not allowed and it wouldn't be fair for those who have already RSVP'ed no BECAUSE of the 'no kids' rule (the people who were playing by the rules!!). Because she's your mother's sister doesn't give her the right to just disregard your wishes. How disrespectful!

Look, if she wasn't invited before, will you miss her there if she doesn't come because of the 'no kids' clause?

You will meet your guarantee. And you know what? If you don't, you wouldn't be happy by having the kids be filler - just so you could meet the minimum.

Ooh, that kinda stuff fires me up. Remember whose day it is. YOURS!!

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Wow... very well put! Will you call my aunt for us? lol

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Girllllllllll, anytime! Whats her number?

Sarah, while I do understand your dilema... no kids is no kids. 'BABY' cousin is a baby? Come on.. nobody brings their baby.

In addition, it takes a lot of nerve to cross the number of people invited and INVITE YOURSELF or whoever you want to add on the invitation.

You invited 2. If they can't do that, well they would have to declien. Honestly, for the principle, I would tell them you cannot accomodate them. I would prefer paying for a NO SHOW than an additional plate I was 'FORCED' in accepting.

OOF!!! I'm not sure what to say. Actually, I know what to say because it's your side and I've been there. You need to stand firm!!!! (So easy to say)

However, you are allowing a few children to be there because they are in the BP. The question is if you allow this family to intrude (that decided ro make their own RSVP), will this upset other family members and friends that were actually considerate to not bring their kids?!?!?! You need to figure out how many close family members this might upset that found other ways to entertain their children, respectfully so because they were right to do so.

Another however, does this intrude on FH's family? I know that things have not been going well with them. If you allow a child, not in the BP, to come from your side; will this blow up into WWIII because they couldn't bring their kids? Will this show favoritism?

It's not always an easy question. You know how many families are affected by the no kids rule. Only you and FH can decide whether to cross that line. I think it should always be even. Good luck!!!

BTW: It's not about the minimum. We didn't meet our minimum and we were able to negotiate with our hall because of that. 1 extra kid or 2 won't make the difference. It's about principle and keeping the peace on both sides.

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Posted by sr081906

Sarah, while I do understand your dilema... no kids is no kids. 'BABY' cousin is a baby? Come on.. nobody brings their baby.

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Why do people want to bring their babies to weddings anyway? Look past the whole 'unable to find a sitter' thing, why would you WANT to? When I have kids, if I see an opportunity for an adult night out, I'm taking it.

Tell them flat out no. It is an ADULT reception. This is manipulative and cold for them to put your family through this again. And ridiculous. I would be livid.

Ok so I am probably the slightly odd man out.

I think that no kids means no kids. It is a difficult spot to be in to lay down the no kid law and then have kids be there. What if you invited them to the cocktail hour and then shoo little ones, for all?

I understand the no kid thing as I am having a kid free wedding (I have 7 neices and nephews of my own and it was a tough one to tell everyone) but an almost kid free wedding is kind of like picking favorites.

The other thing is that I know we all get worked up about our minimum but what if you look at it as your wedding cost x amount of money. Thats it, if 10 or 1000 ppl come it costs x. Then you dont work yourself up about the minimum. Know that everyone you love and wanted there that loved you, wanted to be there and could, is there.

About the whole they werent going to come before, screw them. If your FH and you agreed on the 2 kids that are comming and these distant relatives (by there own accord) will have a problem with it then let them go back into recluse.

I know I kind of contradicted myself here but the bottome line is that you can either tell them that you are doing what you want and they can't bring kids or tell them that no one is invited to have there children attend.

I'd stick to your original decision, they obviously didn't respect your wishes, which you made very clear.

It's also not just a question of this one kid coming, in turn, I feel you'll have to invite your FH's other nephews and any other child that is as closely related to you.

I know you risk the fact that a number of people won't come if you stick to your original decision but, if they are going to be that way, do you want them there anyway?

I'm having teenagers there, my first cousins. FH's mom's cousin was annoyed her kids weren't invited (also teenagers who she can't leave alone at night because they will have a party) but, we have to draw the line somewhere!!!