Been a Rough Week - Need Advice.

Hi girls. I'm just another regular poster here under an anonymous alias for privacy reasons. I wish I could reach out under my real username but with the topic at hand, it's just not possible.

I am having serious doubts about my engagement. If you had asked me a month ago how I felt, I would have beamed at you and said how excited I was, told you the details of the wedding, etc etc. Now, I feel like all of the realities and truths I've been suppressing for so many years are rearing their ugly little heads.

I love my fiance. There's no question about that. He is a good man, we have fun together (mostly), we have common interests, he loves me A LOT, we share life values and I get along great with his family. But there is something missing and it's becoming more apparent now. We argue over stupid things and end up unhappy with each other often, and it's been a lot of work to get through hard times (we've been together for 5 years). I often feel like I hold back from being myself completely because he will disapprove. Sometimes I even feel like he just doesn't like me very much, even though I know for sure that he loves me to death. Does that make sense?

I am afraid that if we get married, this 'something' that I'm sensing will just grow, the fights will continue and we will be miserable.

Is it possible that 2 people can love each other very much, live with each other and have such an intertwined life for so long, plan to have a family someday and then realize it's just not right?

I am very afraid that this is my reality.

Any feedback, advice or support is appreciated.

Of course it is possible that 2 people can love each other very much, live with each other and have such an intertwined life for so long, plan to have a family someday and then realize it's just not right. Maybe this is the case.
However, no relationship is perfect, sometimes people go through slumps. Have you been overall unhappy for a long time?
Consider that sometimes people take their significant other for granted. Don't be quick to jump to conclusions, you might realize all that you have together once it's gone.

of course it's possible, but its also possible that the engagement, or any number of things, is taking a toll on your relationship.

FM me if you want to talk.

First, I want to give you these
Second, maybe it's all the stress from the wedding planning that's making you feel like this? I know when I was planning, some days I hated DH and said-do I really want to marry him? Obvs, the answer was yes, but stress can do things to you.

Sorry to hear about your situation. It is possible for people to love each other, but something just isn't right. You really need to evaluate your situation and think about your feelings. How long have you felt this way? If it has just been a couple weeks then maybe you're in a funk and it will pass...the whole wedding process is stressful.
Can you really see yourself with this person for the rest of your life and have a family with him? It's just the two of you now and once you have kids it'll just add stress...so I've been told... no kids myself, so I can't speak from experience.
I also think you should talk to a therapist about this. Sometimes therapists are even covered through insurance. Although the LI Wedding girls are great, you should really talk to a professional.
Not trying to sway you one way or another, but this happened to one of my very close friends. I'll keep the story short...
She dated a guy since HS and were together for 9 years or so, they got engaged and were to be married in October. In JUNE (5 months before the wedding) she called it off. She just couldn't imagine being with him forever. Now fast forward 3 or 4 years....she got married this past May to a great guy and she knows this time its right.
BTY...she was also very close to his family, which you mentioned in the post about yourself but you have to remember that it's about you and him, not the family.
If you need any advice send me a FM.

Good luck to you!

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I know what you are feeling, I have been there before. Is this something you have been thinking for a while, or is this a new feeling? You have to seriously take a step back and think about things before you make any decisions. It is possible to love someone deeply, but just not be meant for each other.
Not trying to put thoughts in your head, I have called off an engagement before. I hope everything works out for you!

FM me if you want to talk.

So sorry you're feeling this way

I would say to think about your life BEFORE the engagement. Did you feel the same way, or did these feelings start since being engaged? Stress can really mess with people ... these feelings may be stress.

If you're still unsure, i'd try to postpone the wedding, if possible. It's not worth taking a chance over.

I am so sorry you feel this way. With that said I agree with the other girls...it is absolutely possible to feel the way you do. You definitely need to seriously think about everything. While it is true that the stress of a wedding will drive you crazy and put a strain on any relationship, if it goes beyond that you need to decide if this is the man for you. I ignored my 'inner voice' when I got married the first time and wound up in a very bitter divorce with a man that I grew to hate. If you need to talk FM me.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

DH and I fight tooth and nail, doubly so the months leading up to the wedding. It was hard going and there were definitely times that I sat around crying my eyes out wondering if I was doing the right thing. I think all relationships are like that to a point. But you have to decide when enough is enough.

Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you're able to work it out with your FH.

Could be the stress of the wedding planning. Talk to your FH and let him know your concerns. If he loves you the way he says, he will respect however you are feeling and hopefully work at it.

I will be honest. If your having serious doubts.. Im not sure you should go through with the wedding! only because from my friends personal experiences.. i have had a couple that felt this exact way.. went through with the wedding anyway.. and both were divorced in less than a year.. especially my friend that couldnt be herself around her husband.. She literally kept everything from him and realized that she always knew they were different and just thought she would deal with it when they were married and it wound up being that she couldnt stand it and they wound up hating eachother in the end. NOt saying at all it will end this way for you so please dont think that way I just know that when you have serious doubts about something its better to deal with it then just ignore it and go through with something your unsure of. I think maybe you should take some time apart to see if your really meant to be together.. If its just a rough patch you will get through it.. but if you been havin these doubts already and you just got engaged there might be something more going on and its bigger that just cold feet. FM me if you need to talk!

aww im sorry. :(

Can I ask if you guys live together yet? Because if you don't, I'd advise you to try doing that 1st. It's a huge eye opener.

FH & I have been through hard times too..mostly $ related. It causes HUGE fights but at the end of the day, we realize that we love each other and work to make it ok.

don't rush into anything. take some time and think about what would make YOU happy.

I don't really agree with the 'can you live without him' scenario. Honestly, if anything happened to him after you were married, you'd HAVE to live without him. You'd go on.

I like to think, can I imagine myself 20 years down the road w this man? 30? 40?

I go through moments like that too, I think it's normal up to a point. You shouldn't be miserable 24/7 and filled with dread at the thought of being with a person for the rest of your life but it IS okay to question if you are doing the right thing.

I think your situation is tough because he IS a great guy, he isn’t abusive or a cheater and that can make it harder to leave because there really isn’t a clear cut “reason” to.

That being said, the red flag I read was when you write that you hold yourself back completely because he might disapprove. You and FH are presumably young. You will have decades more together. Can you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life “holding back?” That to me sounds miserable! Sorry if I’m inching past “corny” territory but one of my favorite quotes is “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” Two people in love planning to spend forever together should know all the faults of the other but STILL accept and adore each other. Is there a reason why you think he would disapprove of the “real” you or do you think it’s insecurities that you have on your own? Either way, you SHOULDN’T hold back what you feel, what you want, what you need for anybody. He may love this side of you even more or he may not but I think that’s something that you have to do for you…

Getting married may be the biggest decision we have EVER had to make so how could you not worry that you're not making the right choice? I was super ecstatic for a few months after my engagement but now there are times when I think 'Will this REALLY last forever? How do I KNOW?” And the answer is that we don’t know for sure but we have to have the desire and motivation to MAKE it last forever and that is something you have to ask yourself.

Do you want it to last forever with him? Will you work on finding what’s “missing” and trying to fix it?

Good luck…fm if you need to talk more.

years ago I was engaged to someone else and of course being engaged at first you are nothing but excited and happy. then reality starts hitting especially when you know forever is coming. because marriage is supposed to be forever.

we were insanely in love but just like you I felt like something was missing and we argued about the dumbest things. plus we started seeing how he wanted me to be someone I wasn't and I wanted the same from him. I wanted this guy that dressed nice like I did and he wanted a girl who dressed more like him. those are just superficial things but that's how it started.

we were so close, the best of friends, everything like that was just glorious. except certain things I couldn't say because he'd take the wrong way, etc. it ended up feeling like I was walking on eggshells. especially when drunk and I'd joke more about certain things lol. then we'd just scream and fight all night long. we were together for so long, lived together, it was so hard to let go.

in my situation though I sort of met someone else since I was so unhappy and missing something I was not getting from him I guess because something did just not feel right. because once I planned a whole wedding I had nothing to distract me anymore from how unhappy I was. I had no reason to be so unhappy because most of the time when we weren't arguing we were great together. I still remember so many good times.

years later I am now with someone else and gonna marry him and I feel none of this. I can totally be myself around him. he's had just as weird of a life as I have lol. I am so happy I went and found him instead of settled for my ex.

it's beeen 3 years and I have now my dream guy and looking at my ex's facebook he now has his dream girl. plus we never looked right in photos and he looks right with his girl and I think I look great with my fiance now

sorry to ramble on but just make sure it's what you really want. don't settle if you think you are missing something. it won't lead to good things in the future. my friends used to say planning a fun wedding was blinding me because well most girls dream about getting married and it was fun. I just didn't really sit down and think about who I was marrying and how it meant forever and ever.

the hardest thing I ever had to do was break up with him and not have him here after 3 years. I am sure 5 will be even harder. I couldn't even sleep right for months because I was so used to someone next to me. I am so much happier now though

Have you spoken to him about these doubts? I can definitely relate, FH and I have had our moments, we have been living together for 5 years and there were definitely times that I had doubts. Sometimes when you are with someone for so long, you start wondering, what if? What else is out there? But I think you need to really consider your relationship and what it is that you want. You might break it off to find that you can't live without him. Everyone argues, everyone fights over stupid things, such is life and no relationship is perfect.

I think that for us, once we really started getting serious, and especially after he proposed, I knew that there was no one else for me. I can't picture my life without FH in it. I don't want to. Now that doesn't mean that we don't argue, I want to kill him sometimes!!!! But it's not possible to live and share your life with someone without there being bumps in the road.

If you feel like there is something missing, then you need to talk to him to see if he feels the same way. That will be hard to do without him getting defensive and insecure. Have you considered couples' counseling? I know that sounds cliche but it may really help.

Good luck and know we are all here for you!

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Posted by poisonivy918
we were insanely in love but just like you I felt like something was missing and we argued about the dumbest things. plus we started seeing how he wanted me to be someone I wasn't and I wanted the same from him. I wanted this guy that dressed nice like I did and he wanted a girl who dressed more like him. those are just superficial things but that's how it started.

we were so close, the best of friends, everything like that was just glorious. except certain things I couldn't say because he'd take the wrong way, etc. it ended up feeling like I was walking on eggshells. especially when drunk and I'd joke more about certain things lol. then we'd just scream and fight all night long. we were together for so long, lived together, it was so hard to let go.

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This is us EXACTLY. Except the drunk thing. I don't drink...but when he drinks I can't stand him and I just get nasty and he gets vicious.

I think I know what I need to do. I literally haven't eaten anything in 2 days and spent all last night with my eyes plastered open. This is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

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Posted by SadConfused

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Posted by poisonivy918
we were insanely in love but just like you I felt like something was missing and we argued about the dumbest things. plus we started seeing how he wanted me to be someone I wasn't and I wanted the same from him. I wanted this guy that dressed nice like I did and he wanted a girl who dressed more like him. those are just superficial things but that's how it started.

we were so close, the best of friends, everything like that was just glorious. except certain things I couldn't say because he'd take the wrong way, etc. it ended up feeling like I was walking on eggshells. especially when drunk and I'd joke more about certain things lol. then we'd just scream and fight all night long. we were together for so long, lived together, it was so hard to let go.

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This is us EXACTLY. Except the drunk thing. I don't drink...but when he drinks I can't stand him and I just get nasty and he gets vicious.

I think I know what I need to do. I literally haven't eaten anything in 2 days and spent all last night with my eyes plastered open. This is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

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I'm always the fun loving happy drunk when I do drink and I don't really drink a lot. except around him I always got sad. because he was the mean, nasty, violent drunk. it was not a good mix or match! I spent all of August 2007 crying or feeling confused. then like Sept 1st (my girls bday) we went to a club and I met someone else which really made me realize how much I didn't want to marry him. it just would have been better to know this and do this sooner.

plus my ex hated horror movies and I had to harass him to watch them at times. fiance now loves them and we are always watching some horror movie. not that it's a big thing but I just love that. plus he'll go to haunted houses with me. he also loves to do things and my ex just mainly wanted to party and drink. I had to beg him to go jet skiing one time while in the Bahamas. I am still upset till this day I couldn't go parasaililng there. because he hated the water. and he's the one who picked the Bahamas to go! ughhh lol.

anyway I'd just really think about things. is this who you want to be with forever and ever and ever? you need someone you can truly be yourself with. not that you have to hide. my ex was always mad at me or something so I had to hide who I was most of the time which was horrible. only when I went out with friends could I laugh, joke and truly have fun. the second he showed up I'd get quiet, reserved, just different.

my ex once started yelling at me because I joked with my friend we were lesbians. obviously we weren't and everyone was like oh really and laughing. then he was screaming and it was so embarrassing. he insisted everyone thought I was really a lesbian. these were people I saw everyday and knew we were getting married. I was like are you serious? lol.

it's a big joke to mess with my closest girl friend that we're lesbian lovers. I have no idea how it started but it's our thing and he was ruining it lol. plus other jokes I had with people he'd get so mad about and tell me how stupid it was. to the point I stopped joking with people in front of him. my fiance now would never be like that. he'd be jumping in on the jokes like how oh yes these are my lesbians or something lol.

just nothing is worse then having to hide who you are. watch that movie bride wars! she realizes at the end the guy doesn't really want who she is. sorry to ramble and ramble. I just never want anyone to go through what I did. plus all the money lost!

getting engaged will make you really think about your relationship. even if you've been together for yrs. it's just the forever part that sticks in your head and makes you think. the this is it part. just really think about it. especially if having doubts.

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Posted by mybabylovesmoi

I go through moments like that too, I think it's normal up to a point. You shouldn't be miserable 24/7 and filled with dread at the thought of being with a person for the rest of your life but it IS okay to question if you are doing the right thing.

I think your situation is tough because he IS a great guy, he isn’t abusive or a cheater and that can make it harder to leave because there really isn’t a clear cut “reason” to.

That being said, the red flag I read was when you write that you hold yourself back completely because he might disapprove. You and FH are presumably young. You will have decades more together. Can you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life “holding back?” That to me sounds miserable! Sorry if I’m inching past “corny” territory but one of my favorite quotes is “We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” Two people in love planning to spend forever together should know all the faults of the other but STILL accept and adore each other. Is there a reason why you think he would disapprove of the “real” you or do you think it’s insecurities that you have on your own? Either way, you SHOULDN’T hold back what you feel, what you want, what you need for anybody. He may love this side of you even more or he may not but I think that’s something that you have to do for you…

Getting married may be the biggest decision we have EVER had to make so how could you not worry that you're not making the right choice? I was super ecstatic for a few months after my engagement but now there are times when I think 'Will this REALLY last forever? How do I KNOW?” And the answer is that we don’t know for sure but we have to have the desire and motivation to MAKE it last forever and that is something you have to ask yourself.

Do you want it to last forever with him? Will you work on finding what’s “missing” and trying to fix it?

Good luck…fm if you need to talk more.

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I love the 'corny' quote. Very insightful!!