Big Dilema with Future Sister In Law, Very Long story

teacherwheart Posted: Oct 10, 2004 07:56 AM

Big Dilema with Future Sister In Law, Very Long story

Last night I got into an argument with my future sister inlaw (a devout born again christian) whom I love so much and have never had any problems with. We had asked her to do a reading (originally we said she could choose something from her heart, something about love and something personal perhaps a poem or something) next year for our ceremony at the hall and she was touched. Since then she has been really going fanatical about this born again stuff (both her brother, my FI and I are catholic but not very religious and very uncomfortable with her talking about the born again stuff) Anyway, last night the two of us got into wedding talk and I said we'd perfer a reading not from the Bible something more us since my FI and I love poetry and stuff. I said we did nto want to make it a really religious thing. SHe said she refused to do any reading then and would not be part of such a wedding without Jesus Christ blessing and went on and on about me taking her brother away from what he was brought up to believe (he was raised catholic, and I would never tell him what to do he could convert to being jewish or muslim and I would support him) Anyway, it turned into a thing I got so upset I cried we then made up and left it that she would show us what she wanted to say prior but Im nervous shell show us one thing and stand up and start preaching another thing. Ughhhh Later in the night my FI and her fought too about something different but they still fought, after hearing about what she said to me he does not even want her at the wedding anymore. What should I do?

justshir Posted: Oct 10, 2004 08:43 AM

Re: Big Dilema with Future Sister In Law, Very Long story

take a break from her. maybe a few days. once things have cooled down talk to her again. if everyone's still a lil hot headed about this then just tell her it's not going to work out. i have no qualms with born-agains or religious folks but when they try to push it on me it makes me very uncomfortable. and you dont want to be rude.. ho-hum.. it's great that she proud of her religion but there's a time and place for it. you know what...? why don't you read through her bible. there's bound to be a verse or two you may like. a lot are very poetically speaking and eloquently put. if you and your FI find something from the bible, present it to your future-sis-in-law. tell her you two are absolutely crazy about it and the verse(s) coming from her would give it passion!
hope this will work out for you.

JenniferLee111204 Posted: Oct 10, 2004 09:15 AM

Re: Big Dilema with Future Sister In Law, Very Long story

i totally agree with justshir!!!

i just want you to know that i would be upset, too! dont think that you are overreacting or whatever. im with you on the not wanting to turn it into something that you and your FH dont want it to become!

jennifer

Dooodles Posted: Oct 10, 2004 09:16 AM

Re: Big Dilema with Future Sister In Law, Very Long story

This is your day and if your FSIL does not want to be a part of a ceremony where Jesus is not present then that is HER choice. YOUR choice was to ask her to do a reading and it is also YOUR choice on what the reading should be. I also do not want anything religious incorporated into my ceremony.
I would wait a day or two to let tempers calm down (you have plenty of time to settle this before the wedding). I would explain to her that if she cannot do anything 'un-Jesus' related for your wedding ceremony, that you would not feel comfortable asking her to compromise her beliefs. But then also mention that you are sure she understands that you should not compromise YOUR own beliefs for what you and IF envision for your ceremony and suggest someone else do the reading if she cannot.

Darcy Posted: Oct 10, 2004 09:55 AM

Re: Big Dilema with Future Sister In Law, Very Long story

I think it is hard for many who are very excited about having Jesus in their life to think of others not wanting to have that 'cord of three strands' involved in their marraige. I am 'born again' Christian and learning alot.

I am not saying she is right in making it hard on you. It is your day and it would mean nothing to you to do it the way she wants. I guess all I am saying is to try to understand that she wants the best for you. She is just having a difficult time in communicating it.

She probably will not go up an purposefully do something you don't want her to do. She probably realized, after cooling down, that she was going all about it the wrong way. But if it ever comes up maybe you could explain that while you realize Jesus is a big part of her life and you respect that, you were hoping for something alittle more personal, that the two of you could identify with.

I don't know, I hope this help. And I hope you dont think I am asking you to bend over backwards. I guess if it were her I was talking to I would say the same thing. Just trying to help reconcile the relationship and trust you 2 had.

DebMaher Posted: Oct 10, 2004 10:28 AM

Re: Big Dilema with Future Sister In Law, Very Long story

Just shirl is correct, IMO. The thing you need right now, tempting though it is to say something, is some time and distance for both sides to calm down. Emotions run high at weddings and family events and then throw some religion in the post and whoa! Anyway, Wait a few days, and then say clearly (start with the positive) 'I love you very much and it is very important for me to have you participate in my wedding, but while FI and I respect your beliefs, we are more comforatble not having religion/JC be the focus of the ceremony. We would be uncomfortable with a biblical reading but would be honored if you would read ___ '(I actually think you ought pick her reading rather than let her, I think it is easier and leaves less room for confusion-- there are such beautiful poems and choices that this should be quite doable.) I personally would have this convo with her alone WITHOUT FI, since it seems like that will just escalate into a problem. If this does not work, with a particular reading for your FSIL, move on. Tell her how much you love her but stand firm, this is your ceremony and it will go the way you and FI see fit, noone else.

teacherwheart Posted: Oct 10, 2004 10:33 AM

Re: Big Dilema with Future Sister In Law, Very Long story

Thank you so much for your advice. I definetly want to talk things over in a few days once the anger and feelings have died down. I will do some research on possible readings from a bible and perhaps can find something we can all agree upon. I will also show her some non traditioanl yet deeply personal readings we had in mind and maybe we can all compromise. I dont want any of us to compromise our beliefs about religion and most importantly I dont want our religious beliefs to get in the way of why we are all coming together on that day which is to celebrate my FI and my love for each other. Thanks again. I feel better already.