bridal party drama - coming from my brother!!

Okay, I've about had it!

My brother just called me at work under the guise of 'Haven't talked to you in a while...' He asked about the wedding and one of the first things he asked about (oddly) was whether or not we're having a big bridal party. So I told him I had 7 BMs and my fi has only asked his best man, but he will have 7 total as well.

He then asked me who all was in the bridal party. I start naming people and when I'm done, he said something to the effect of 'Well, knowing XXX and YYYY [his wife and my other sister in law]...' I don't remember the rest of the sentence, but it was something about how that's probably best or something? It was a sneaky passive-aggressive way to find out if I was asking his wife or to try to intimate that I should have.

Honestly, I have NO Idea where this came from. I was in my brother's weddings, yes, and my brothers will be in mine. I didn't think that meant I was obligated to have my SILs in my wedding. My Fi is not having his BIL. He has 2 sisters and I have 2 brothers, so we are having them in our bridal party. I am also having my cousin's daughter (that I'm very close to) and 4 of my best friends in the wedding. That's 7 people - and no, not one of them could be left out.

I am not that close with my SILs. I only talk to them / see them when they are in town.

Oh, and you'll love this. As I was typing this, my brother (who I JUST got off the phone with) emailed me to ask if my cousin was in the bridal party. Clearly, he called his wife, told her what I said and then she said 'Well is Beth in the wedding?!' I just wrote him back. 'No, I asked [her 19-year old daughter]. Is there a problem with our bridal party?'

He wrote back 'No, not at all. Just being a curious brother.' Grrr. That's so not true. My SIL is behind this. If my SIL wants to know who is in the wedding, she should have asked me herself. This is not coming from him. Maybe drama like this is why I'm not closer to my SILs.

I talked to my mom (whom I consulted BEFORE I asked ANYONE to be in the bridal party) and she still says I did nothing wrong by not asking them. She told me to just ignore him. It's hard when he calls me up at work and starts drama. He did this when he wasn't asked to be the godfather of my other brother's daughter. He called ME at work to complain to ME about it --- I'm his ONLY sister and was never asked to be godmother of either of his 2 kids or of my other brother's kid.... I never thought twice about it or complained. It wasn't a big deal to me.

I DON'T GET THE DRAMA!

Someone talk me down. I'm ready to cry. Did I do something wrong by not asking them? I said something to my brother that I also figured they'd prefer not to be in it b/c of the extra expense, time, etc. He said 'Don't say that, they love you' like I was implying they weren't happy for us.

GIVE ME A BREAK! I just don't even know what to do anymore. My brother made a comment like, 'Oh I guess that way we can just leave the kids in PA with a sitter when we come for the wedding in stead of bringing the sitter with us.' I didn't think of it at the time, but was he intimating that my SIL wouldn't come to the RD?

Okay, forget 'about to cry' - Now I am crying. Thank god I have my own office and can shut the door. Seriously, this is insane.

He got the picture from my last email that I'm not happy with the line of questioning and sent me an email saying 'I hope you're not offended that I asked. I'm just genuinely interested and excited for your big day.'

Ummm... then ask about something OTHER than just the bridal party.

ETA - Sorry so long. I'm just really upset by this. I KNEW there would be drama whether I asked them or not. I just figured I'd rather not have the drama in the wedding party.

Just remember that you cannot make everyone happy 100 % of the time. I say listen to your mom here. You did nothing wrong. You chose the people who are closest to you standing by your side. There comes a point with bridal parties that you can't have everyone. It does sound like he is doing the dirty work for his wife, but if he doesn't want to fess up to this being something deeper, then don't take it that way. Of course easier said than done, but I would go with your mother on this one and let it roll off your back

Kara,
I'm so sorry your brother is being such an idiot!
You made the decisions that you felt were right for YOUR wedding and for YOU and YOUR FH!
You shouldn't be made to feel like you didn't do the right thing, or that people will be hurt or offended by your choices.
It's not like you chose one SIL and left the other out... I think you made a perfectly good decision!
Hang in there!

Thanks.

I am not a drama-filled person, and to this date, I've effectively escaped all of the SIL drama going on in my family. I'm just upset that it's now going to be directed at me.

I'm just upset to be dragged into the drama. I don't even know why it's upsetting me this much when it really shouldn't. I just feel like I did something wrong.

Or maybe it's the passive-aggressive manner with which he handles things. He should have just come right out and said what he wanted or what hew as getting at. I'm just ignoring it for now... but my SIL will keep it up for a while and keep making little comments to me and my mom, if not make my brother call my mom to ask why my SILs aren't in the BP. At least mom's on my side!

ETA - The most annoying part to me is that my brother handles things in this way where he makes it look like he's the one doing nothing wrong and was 'just asking b/c he's interested' when it's so clearly NOT the case.

Awwwww..... don't cry!!!

Its natural to be upset, but try not to let it get to you. Everyone is going to have an opinion & everyone is going to complain about something or another. Your bridal party is up to you. (as is your guest list, your gown & a million other things )

I know its hard when the people closest to you seem to be undermining you. Don't feel obligated or bullied into any decisions. Don't worry about people getting sitters, etc. The people who love you will be there & be happy for you no matter what.

Chin up little camper!

I don't think she's actually NOT come to the RD... but if she did, my parents would be furious.

I am now worried about that and about them leaving early and not staying over the night of the wedding b/c they'll leave the kids in PA... but what can I do about that? Nothing... so I'll not go there when the wedding is 8 months away...

Grr.. Thanks for letting me vent, ladies. Something about this just make me break!

hang in there...

i dont think u did anything wrong!

sorrry hope u feel better, trust me my FMIL and FSIL and 10 times more dramatic and ive cried too...

dont let it get to you SO MUCH, its not THAT bad, keep ur eye on the prizee FH

aww dont cry. You did NOTHING WRONG! And it sounds like you know that its his wife causing this, do dont sweat it. Not everyone is going to be happy with decisions that you are going to make regarding you wedding, but the ONLY THING that matters is that you and FH are happy with the people you chose to be around you on your day.

Your bridesmaids should be who YOU want in the wedding. You have no obligation to not even have your sister if you don't want to! It's who you want to be around you that day...Don't worry, they will get over it...you should tell ur brother u did them a favor and saved them money by not asking them :)

Feel better!

First off deep clensing breaths. Don't let them stress you out. It is your wedding and no one has a say in the wedding party except for you and fh. It is nice that you chatted with your mom first and that she has your back. Sil marrying your brother does not give her an automatic in for the bridal party. If she gets in your face just tell her that maybe if you an her were close you would have asked her but since your no you didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by asking. Especially since everyone you asked has such a close relationship with you and fh. Put a spin on it so it sounds like you were doing her a favor by not asking her . Good luck and I am sorry you are dealing with such drama

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Posted by LBride

I wouldn't be too upset... I had people call me 'questioning' who was in the bidal party to feel out if they were going to get asked, I think they are generally just curious if they would be asked, I don't think it was too far-fetched for him to think that his wife might be asked, now he knows shes not... don't stress about it.

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Oh, if it were anyone else, I'd think the same thing... but I know what they're doing b/c they've done it before to other people. Also, the intense and nosey line of questioning was just wrong. But you're right, I shouldn't stress over it. I just know that comments will be made for a while and that bothers me. But hey, I'd rather have the drama outside the bridal party. If she were in it, she'd find another way to be dramatic and make it so miserable.

I know it wasn't far-fetched for him to think she'd be asked, but remember, I am 100% positive that this is coming from her, not from him. I've known them long enough to be familiar with their dramatic MO.

It's very sad, but unfortunately true. Even my mother (the anti-drama queen) knew exactly what was going on as soon as I started the story.

My SIL isn't in my bridal party, and I wasn't in my brother's. I still love them both, and I didn't question their decisions. It was their wedding and they did what they wanted. I agree that you cannot please everyone. It's YOUR day Kara, and you made the right decision. Do not let your brother and SIL guilt trip you into thinking otherwise.

I'm so sorry Kara!! You have every right to be upset- they shouldn't insinuate that you should be expected to ask anyone to be in your bridal party. And he is so wrong by bringing up sitters & rehearsal dinners now....he's trying to make you feel bad with his 'I'm just curious' guise.

My FH is 1 of 7 kids- he will be the 5th to be getting married, his BIL is not in the BP, neither are the 3 SIL's- I am close with them, but no way could I choose them over my own friends who have been so near and dear to me for so long. I already have 6 BM's so there's no way I was going to have 9 just so they don't feel left out.

Try not to let him make you feel bad, you're probably being more emotional about this b/c like you said you usually don't get involved with this kind of drama. I think all the wedding planning brings out some crazyness in everyone's family.

Let me know if you want to talk!!

deleted because I didnt want it to be found by the wrong person and Im paranoid Talk about the drama that would cause!