Can you believe this?

So, I heard through the grapevine that my FMIL is upset and thinks our wedding is eclipsing her 60th birthday, which is 3 days after our wedding.

Explains why she seems rather uninterested in the entire event...

BUT - it's upsetting to both me and FH. FMIL and I have always gotten along and this has most definitely caused a rift. And FH just found out his father may not be coming to the wedding, so to have his MOM not be excited about it too is just killing him...

Any suggestions? I just keep reminding FH that we have our friends coming and we will have a great time - no matter what!

It probably won't make things better now but maybe at the wedding do something (like have a cake) to recognize her birthday.

That stinks that she can't just be happy.

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Posted by HotAir

It probably won't make things better now but maybe at the wedding do something (like have a cake) to recognize her birthday.

That stinks that she can't just be happy.

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We ALWAYS do things for her birthday - every year! Apparently, 60 is a 'big one' to her... I don't think a cake will be enough....

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Posted by VadersBride2006

So, I heard through the grapevine that my FMIL is upset and thinks our wedding is eclipsing her 60th birthday, which is 3 days after our wedding.

Explains why she seems rather uninterested in the entire event...

BUT - it's upsetting to both me and FH. FMIL and I have always gotten along and this has most definitely caused a rift. And FH just found out his father may not be coming to the wedding, so to have his MOM not be excited about it too is just killing him...

Any suggestions? I just keep reminding FH that we have our friends coming and we will have a great time - no matter what!

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Don't know if you would want to do this or not but have a small cake for her at the reception and have the band or DJ sing to her... Show her you are the bigger person. Her 60th (not matter what) wo't overshadow your day and you will surprise her and make your self look good in the meantime and all it will take is 10-15 minutes out of your night.

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Posted by BoxOfRocks

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Don't know if you would want to do this or not but have a small cake for her at the reception and have the band or DJ sing to her...

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This is a great idea.

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yes im thinking the same thing. it might be a good idea

man you guys are better people than I am! I would do nothing for her and let her sulk!1 It is your day...

However, for FH , to kind of smooth things over, I would give the cake/singing thing a shot...or maybe celebrate a few days before?

Well, to be honest, I think your FMIL needs to grow up and get over herself.

I'd not have a bday cake for her at the reception, but if you're okay with it, that's fine.

I'd maybe have one at the RD. That might put her in a better mood for the wedding the next day.

You're under no obligation to make a huge deal out of her bday (three days AFTER your wedding) at your wedding.

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Posted by Kara and Todd

I'd not have a bday cake for her at the reception, but if you're okay with it, that's fine.

I'd maybe have one at the RD. That might put her in a better mood for the wedding the next day.

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I was thinking this too.... RD. There's no need for her to have a cake at your wedding reception. But I guess it's up to you and FH.

I am in the opposite situation. My mother's 50th B-Day is the day before my wedding, She actualy wants my wedding to over shadow her birthday. She doesn't want any one to know that she is turning 50.

Since my wedding is on a Friday night, my dad is planning a big BBQ for her birthday on Saturday afternoon. we figured that since a lot of family will be in town anyway, why not make a weekend out of it. If I was not getting married, my dad was still going to have the BBQ.

I was going to do the cake thing for her at the reception, but decided against it. My sisters & I are getting her a mothers ring with each of our birthstones on it for her birthday. We are thinking baout giving it to her at some point during the reception. Even though it is my day, she is my mother & I want to share part of my day with her. If it was not for my parents, I would not be having the 'wedding' that I am having. They have helped us out more than we thought they would b e ab le to.

BTW - We will NOT be singing happy birthday to her. I know she would not like that.

Tell her that this was a biiiig secret, but you heard she was unhappy--you're going to do something for her birthday at the wedding. Now think of something to do for her birthday. Probably easiest is get her a nice cake, and arrange to have it brought out to her while playing her favorite song or something, and let her blow out the candles. Then invite her and your FI's dad (or her partner or whoever she's with--sorry, don't know if they're divorced or not, so many people are these days) to dance to that song, or have your FI dance with her for the song. Think that will make her happy? And then when you get back, maybe have a birthday party for her, with presents. A small dinner out. Don't make a big deal about the wedding at the birthday dinner, although people will want to talk about it.

Except that the bride and groom are the center of attention the entire day, and in fact for days before and after, with the RD and if you have a brunch, whatever, and even when you come back everyone wants to see pictures, hear about the honeymoon, etc. Trust me, I just did it.

It would take ten minutes out of the wedding to give her a cake and play a song--and I think letting her have a dance is a good idea too, if she likes to dance. Not only will it make her really happy, all the guest will think the bride and groom are wonderful children for honoring their mother that way. So they lose out on ten minutes of attention--but not really, as it will just make them come out looking good.

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Posted by Luvbsb4eva

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Posted by Kara and Todd

I'd not have a bday cake for her at the reception, but if you're okay with it, that's fine.

I'd maybe have one at the RD. That might put her in a better mood for the wedding the next day.

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I was thinking this too.... RD. There's no need for her to have a cake at your wedding reception. But I guess it's up to you and FH.

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I totally do NOT care about being the 'center of attention'. I am just upset that she seems not to care about the wedding at all and does not want any part of it whatsoever! And I am angry for FH, that both of hi sparents don't give a dang about their SON'S wedding!!!

Oh, sorry, I didn't realize it was like that. Missed the part about his dad not coming. Why would his dad not come to the wedding? How weird. I can understand not wanting to pay for it, but not even show up? And usually the FMIL wants to take part. Are you sure she doesn't want to take part, that she's not stepping back because she doesn't want to intrude, or step on your toes, or something? Or maybe because she feels that she should be asked? It's hard to say without any information.

They sound like some prize couple. You have my condolences! Your poor FH. Well, if they don't want to take part, well...it's their loss, right? You're going to have a great wedding, and for whatever reason, they're going to miss out participating in it.

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Posted by VadersBride2006
I totally do NOT care about being the 'center of attention'. I am just upset that she seems not to care about the wedding at all and does not want any part of it whatsoever! And I am angry for FH, that both of hi sparents don't give a dang about their SON'S wedding!!!

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Posted by VadersBride2006

I totally do NOT care about being the 'center of attention'. I am just upset that she seems not to care about the wedding at all and does not want any part of it whatsoever! And I am angry for FH, that both of hi sparents don't give a dang about their SON'S wedding!!!

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I think that's the big problem. I would probably sit down and have an adult convo about it and just state your feelings and how excited you are about becoming part of her family blah blah and tell her that you would love for her to be a part of your planning. Explain that it wasn't intentional to blow off her b-day but it was the best date for the 2 of you. Tell her you don't want her to feel slighted and you are sorry for making her feel that way. Just lay it on thick....be the bigger person so this doesn't escalate. Sorry you have to deal with this. Good luck!

If you plan to sit down and have a chat with her, you and your FH need to be prepared for it to do no good. Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing and a talk will help -- but if not, you have to acknowledge that you can't control her feelings or her actions. You should instead try to focus on all the people who really DO care.

Yes, I KNOW that is much easier said than done (trust me, my FH's family couldn't give a rat's behind about our wedding - they haven't even responded to our wedding yet!) -- but just try to be prepared for it.

I'm really sorry you're going through this and sorry for your FH, too. Try not to focus on the negative. Focusing on the positive will bring much more positive things and good into your lives and your wedding.