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Re: cheating in relationships--warning

I think there are some cases where the cheater is just truly a bad person, and the cheated on should not shoulder any of the blame. The 'other' person I normally feel bad for--many women with low self-esteem turn to men already in committed relationships, and I just think that is sad. If I was the cheated on person (which I pray I never am!), I would blame my partner--he is the one who took an oath to only be with me...He knows that if he ever did that, there would be no second chance, he would be out the door. It is a respect issue first and foremost for me, and I would not put up with that--I respect myself too much. We already deal with the issues in our relationship by talking them out, not ignoring them, but if he ever turned to someone else in a physical sense it would be see you later.

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

It also depends on what state your exisiting relationship is in. I admit it was my fault, but if I didnt tell my DH he would never have known and I love him so I came right out and told him. Okay bad of me but he realized when we were in therapy what was going on and he admitts he saw what he did to drive me to what I did. I trully love him. But he still needs to grow up. But then again some men never grow up

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

I think that the cheater is the one to blame. But the other man/woman is also guilty (if they know that the cheater is in a committed relationship).

I don't think I could ever be involved with someone who was married knowing that he was lying to his wife/girlfriend. If he's doing it to her, why wouldn't he do it to me?

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Re: cheating in relationships--warning

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Posted by MonkeyLuv

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Posted by nov04LIbride

I think there are some cases where the cheater is just truly a bad person, and the cheated on should not shoulder any of the blame. The 'other' person I normally feel bad for--many women with low self-esteem turn to men already in committed relationships, and I just think that is sad. If I was the cheated on person (which I pray I never am!), I would blame my partner--he is the one who took an oath to only be with me...

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I understand what you're saying, but I disagree. I do think some people are truly bad and almost think that cheating a sport. I disagree that it's entirely that cheaters fault though. To get involved with someone like that means something. This is purely conjecture but perhaps it's a martyr complex, or low-self esteem or that misguided belief that 'I can change him/her'.

I've told my FH if he was to ever cheat, I would completely vanish. He would never see me again. Not just becasue of the betrayal, but becasue of the obvious failings of our relationship. I would absolutely blame him for not being able to keep it in his pants. But I would also know one of two things
1.Our relationship was crappy and weak and I did nothing to work on it.
OR
2. He's a liar and doesn't care about me and I'm an idiot for getting involved with someone like that.

Does that make sense?

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I hear ya. I think there are some cases where it is entirely the cheaters fault--I know of situations where married friends of my FH went out, got drunk, and had sex--not because of any shortcomings of the relationship, but because they were drunken fools and for 3 hours wanted to relive their bachelor days, no emotion involved. What do I think about the women who would do that? Well, that's another story, another thread....If my FH and I had issues and instead of talking he turned to cheating, I would blame him for that vice, even if our issues were partly shared.

Cheating would be for me the most hurtful thing a partner could do to me....

ETA: I did cheat on my college boyfriend, who I was with for 5 years. I think I was too young to be totally tied down, and I would go out with friends and want to be free, but I also loved him so much I couldn't completely end it. Makes no sense...But I would never sleep with anyone else--the most I ever did was so minor hook ups. Sex is the greatest gift we have to give, and it's not like I saved it for marriage, but I certainly wouldn't offer it up when I am looking for something to fill a void in my relationship...

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

Moneky...i agree a lot with what you said. I said the same thing to my FH..well actually i told him that if he were to ever cheat, i would pull a lorena bobbitt on him. He told me in turn that he would never ever do that to me...

My convictions are really strong, and I just would never want to hurt someone-but i have also seen what cheating does to someone first hand.

One thing i would like to add though is this:

I do believe that someone can change, and that we are all human...if someone is truly sorry for their actions and takes the initiative to get help and save their marriage, i give them credit for admitting there was a big underlying problem...and working to solve it, whether that means strengthening the marriage or ending it.

I remember reading a quote once that said 'if you let it happen once, shame on them...if it you let it happen twice, shame on you'.

I may have totally butchered that but you get the point :)

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

Everybody is pretty much talking about their partner cheating what about yourselves. Dont tell me you girls are all high and mighty. (dont take that wrong, PLEASE!) what would your significant others do? How do you see them reacting realistically

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Re: cheating in relationships--warning

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Posted by MuchInLuvMichi
what if 1 SO treats the other one bad, is that a good enough reason??

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IMO, there no NO reason good enough to warrant cheating. Ever.

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Re: cheating in relationships--warning

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Posted by t

Everybody is pretty much talking about their partner cheating what about yourselves. Dont tell me you girls are all high and mighty. (dont take that wrong, PLEASE!) what would your significant others do? How do you see them reacting realistically

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I would expect he would end things with me immediately but that's based on how I would react if it were the other way around.

I know people say 'never say never' but this is one topic that I feel more strongly about than anything else almost in the world. I would never ever cheat on anyone. I would end the relationship before I did that. It is the most hurtful, deceitful act of betrayal that someone can possibly perform.

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

When my FH and I were dating a couple months, I went away for a weekend with one of my girlfriends and hung out with an ex. He saw an email from my friend saying how we were meeting up with the ex. Nothing happened with the ex that day, though he tried--we all just went out for drinks.

My FH confronted my about it, and was just so, so, sad. I knew he really cared about me then when I saw how much it hurt him thinking I had done something with the ex.

I don't think he would ever forgive me for having sex with someone else--because he knows me, and knows how seriously I take that. I never slept with anyone I did not love and was not in a serious relationship with, so for me to sleep with someone would mean I loved them and cared that much about them. I am not a hedonistic person, so I wouldn't just do it for the fun of it...

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

My personal opinion is that the person who cheats is at fault, not the person with whom they cheat. If they were going to cheat, they were going to do it with someone at some point and this just happened to be that person. Does that mean that morally it's 'right' for a woman/man to attempt to seduce someone they know is married/in a relationship? Of course not, but that's a different issue to me.

ETA: If FH cheated, I'd leave him and he knows that--whether or not we have kids. I know people will say that you don't know what you'll do til it happens, but I know myself well enough to know that it's not something our relationship could recover from because it would always be in the back of my mind. If I cheated, FH says he'd probably forgive me, but he's a lot nicer than I am

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

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Posted by MonkeyLuv

Can I also add that I think as a responsible adult, no one should get involved with a married/engaged/dating person. The realtionship is based on selfish wants and deceit (by both parties!). And if you find out you are the other woman/man you should break it off immediately.

I was an unwitting 'other woman' once and when I found out, I clocked the guy in the face and gave him a bloody nose. Considering how many people he was lying to, and how willing and cavalier he was about manipulating his longtime girlfriend's feelings and my feelings, I think a bloody nose was getting off easy.

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i agree with this and also feel that the cheater is mostly responsible..good post!!

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

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Posted by eogara

I know people say 'never say never' but this is one topic that I feel more strongly about than anything else almost in the world. I would never ever cheat on anyone. I would end the relationship before I did that. It is the most hurtful, deceitful act of betrayal that someone can possibly perform.

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I never cheated on any of my boyfriends and I agree it is decitful. Look at what happened to me for example. I could have gotten away with it if I didnt tell my DH. My fault but I didnt feel right not telling him I felt wrong that I did it and I regret it to a point. He has to realize what would make me do something like that. Attention, comunication, etc... We dont go out we dont do anything we stay in all the time either he is to tired or I am or we have no money so its not like it was all my fault (even tough each situation is different) Plus his family is over every single night and he sees nothing wrong with it. Big story behind that

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

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Posted by t

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Posted by eogara

I know people say 'never say never' but this is one topic that I feel more strongly about than anything else almost in the world. I would never ever cheat on anyone. I would end the relationship before I did that. It is the most hurtful, deceitful act of betrayal that someone can possibly perform.

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I never cheated on any of my boyfriends and I agree it is decitful. Look at what happened to me for example. I could have gotten away with it if I didnt tell my DH. My fault but I didnt feel right not telling him I felt wrong that I did it and I regret it to a point. He has to realize what would make me do something like that. Attention, comunication, etc... We dont go out we dont do anything we stay in all the time either he is to tired or I am or we have no money so its not like it was all my fault (even tough each situation is different) Plus his family is over every single night and he sees nothing wrong with it. Big story behind that

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Everyone is different but none of those things has anything to do with justifying cheating to me. I'm not judging you for it, I'm just saying that for me, that stuff would not push me to cheat. Maybe to leave, but not to cheat. The very thought literally makes me sick to my stomach.

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

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Posted by eogara

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Posted by t

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Posted by eogara

I know people say 'never say never' but this is one topic that I feel more strongly about than anything else almost in the world. I would never ever cheat on anyone. I would end the relationship before I did that. It is the most hurtful, deceitful act of betrayal that someone can possibly perform.

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I never cheated on any of my boyfriends and I agree it is decitful. Look at what happened to me for example. I could have gotten away with it if I didnt tell my DH. My fault but I didnt feel right not telling him I felt wrong that I did it and I regret it to a point. He has to realize what would make me do something like that. Attention, comunication, etc... We dont go out we dont do anything we stay in all the time either he is to tired or I am or we have no money so its not like it was all my fault (even tough each situation is different) Plus his family is over every single night and he sees nothing wrong with it. Big story behind that

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Everyone is different but none of those things has anything to do with justifying cheating to me. I'm not judging you for it, I'm just saying that for me, that stuff would not push me to cheat. Maybe to leave, but not to cheat. The very thought literally makes me sick to my stomach.

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towards the last part of what you said I did leave for a week I didnt just cheat and come home. It makes me also sick that is why i came clean and told him. I truly do love him and I do regret it. And like you said everyone is different.

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

Humm good topic for discussion.I certainly would not blame the other person for cheating with your partner...It's totally the partners fault since he or she is the one in the relationship with you and is at fault for hurting you. Your Boyfriend, husband, girlfriend is the one that has EMOTIONAL responsibility with you, if that person can do something like that it really says alot. The other person doesn't know you for squat and has no emotional feelings towards you so not really an important factor in the equation.

Re: cheating in relationships--warning

I think both parties are at fault (especially if the woman knows he is married) but I would blame my husband and show him the door......