Confessions of an assistant, By Danielly D

October 29, 2007

Dear World,

I know that you think that your issue/question/problem is earth-shattering, however, when you ask to speak with the Dean and I tell you she is unavailable and ask to take a message, these following resposes are NOT ok:

A. Ok, well, here is my problem (talks for 15 minutes) and then leaves a number.
B. Interupt her, it's important.


Appropriate response:

Ok, here is my name and number, and this is in reference to A, B and C, thanks. (off the phone in 2 minutes.

Also, If you are going to proceed to tell me your problems, speak clearly and not like this speaking one word per 30 seconds.

I'm busy trying to answer posts on LIW and you are boring me. The faster you get out with it, the faster I can take your name and tell you what I told you at the beginning of the conversation. She'll call you back.

Love,
yelley


OH, for any of you that are assistants, feel free to leave your issues here.

Dear ______________,

When you call and ask to speak with the big boss man, and I tell you that he is busy at the moment and that i could help you, do not be nasty and say 'NO! You can not help me.' And then later i find out that you were just calling to ask what your total premium was!!!

Thank you!

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Posted by FinallyEngaged

Dear ______________,

When you call and ask to speak with the big boss man, and I tell you that he is busy at the moment and that i could help you, do not be nasty and say 'NO! You can not help me.' And then later i find out that you were just calling to ask what your total premium was!!!

Thank you!

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preach it, sista

Dear_______________,
Your child is an absolute animal and I cannot teach them. Please learn some parental control so that I may stay sane. Thank you and have a great day!
Helene

Dear Jerkoff of a Manager -

You make me feel like I do not matter at all. No matter what I say - you say, good point & do nothing about it. Nevermind that everyone in the office vents to me about YOU....and how terrible a manager YOU are...

Please, do whatever you can to bring back my former manager - I managed his schedule, booked his travel, heck, I would've done his laundry if he asked, because he made me feel so important/like i mattered.

Get a clue & go away!!!!!!!

Signed - your assistant/office manager

Dear JD,

You're awesome, really... for the amount of dough you make, you'd never know and I like that. However, it would be really helpful if you would think before you called me (since you're never in the office) with a question/request/answer. I don't have time for 'uhhhh, ummmm, <>' What exactly are you calling about?!!?

Signed,
Your assistant who is busy browsing the internet.

Dear RD (aka, the sales manager),

I totally understand that not making the monthy forecast is a big deal and trust me, I strive to make sure the billing the I forecast for you actually comes to fruition, but I'm only one person with very little pull with the customer... why don't you call JD and 'ummm' and 'uhhh' over it. He's the one not getting you your billing on time, not me.

Signed,
My eyes are up here... HERE, not in my boobs!


I think I'll have some wine tonight

Dear Chief Engineer of (enter any major TV network here),

I am sorry that you are having issues with your system, I can try to walk you through the problem.
Oh that's right, you don't want to hear anything I have to say because I have a vagina. I'm sorry that you have a penis and spent 6 hours setting the system up and forgot to plug it in.

Sincerely,
Engineer/Customer Support

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Posted by AMGBride2008

Dear JD,

You're awesome, really... for the amount of dough you make, you'd never know and I like that. However, it would be really helpful if you would think before you called me (since you're never in the office) with a question/request/answer. I don't have time for 'uhhhh, ummmm, <>' What exactly are you calling about?!!?

Signed,
Your assistant who is busy browsing the internet.

Dear RD (aka, the sales manager),

I totally understand that not making the monthy forecast is a big deal and trust me, I strive to make sure the billing the I forecast for you actually comes to fruition, but I'm only one person with very little pull with the customer... why don't you call JD and 'ummm' and 'uhhh' over it. He's the one not getting you your billing on time, not me.

Signed,
My eyes are up here... HERE, not in my boobs!


I think I'll have some wine tonight

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LMAO... well, i'd be staring at your boobs too.

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Posted by hwolf812

Dear_______________,
Your child is an absolute animal and I cannot teach them. Please learn some parental control so that I may stay sane. Thank you and have a great day!
Helene

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im RIGHT there with u!

Dear Parents,

I call you, you tell me that your child tells u that he is doing WONDERFUL, that he is doing all of his homework, AND hes winning prizes...i say ummm no..hes not doing his homework and his behavior is TERRIBLE...you then ask what suggestions i have...i say that he is 7 years old that u should check and sign his homework every night

then why THE NEXT DAY does he come in with NO homework, and nothing improved?!?!?!?!

Your son is an animal because u have no idea how to be a parent..so please get a clue! thanks

- Your sons teacher

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Posted by ILOVEBRIAN2008

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Posted by hwolf812

Dear_______________,
Your child is an absolute animal and I cannot teach them. Please learn some parental control so that I may stay sane. Thank you and have a great day!
Helene

---

im RIGHT there with u!

Dear Parents,

I call you, you tell me that your child tells u that he is doing WONDERFUL, that he is doing all of his homework, AND hes winning prizes...i say ummm no..hes not doing his homework and his behavior is TERRIBLE...you then ask what suggestions i have...i say that he is 7 years old that u should check and sign his homework every night

then why THE NEXT DAY does he come in with NO homework, and nothing improved?!?!?!?!

Your son is an animal because u have no idea how to be a parent..so please get a clue! thanks

- Your sons teacher

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YOU TELL THEM!!!!

I have a few jobs:

Dear part of my Freshman Comp Class,

Youre dumb. Stop trying to use commas b/c you just dont get it.

H

**

Dear Doctors,

You're a bunch of pompous a$$ holes. Do you realize that if I threw out 2 days worth of work and didn't do it it would cost you $50000 in revenue? The fact that 1/5 of you dont know my name after 15 year makes me tempted to try out this experiement....

H

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Posted by Mimacat

I have a few jobs:

Dear part of my Freshman Comp Class,

Youre dumb. Stop trying to use commas b/c you just dont get it.

H

**

Dear Doctors,

You're a bunch of pompous a$$ holes. Do you realize that if I threw out 2 days worth of work and didn't do it it would cost you $50000 in revenue? The fact that 1/5 of you dont know my name after 15 year makes me tempted to try out this experiement....

H

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DO IT!
DO IT!

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Posted by yelley77

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Posted by Mimacat

I have a few jobs:

Dear part of my Freshman Comp Class,

Youre dumb. Stop trying to use commas b/c you just dont get it.

H

**

Dear Doctors,

You're a bunch of pompous a$$ holes. Do you realize that if I threw out 2 days worth of work and didn't do it it would cost you $50000 in revenue? The fact that 1/5 of you dont know my name after 15 year makes me tempted to try out this experiement....

H

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DO IT!
DO IT!

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I'm too damn con-shee-en-shus (I've had another glass of wine and I'm not even going to attempt the spelling)

Dear Coworker,

I know that you are a very nice woman and you don't understand computer etiquette BUT it is NOT polite to read people's emails/work/internet sites over their shoulder from your cubicle and then comment on them. It is also NOT polite to roll over so you can get a better look.

I know the internet is a fairly new medium, but there are etiquette rules when it comes to using it. . . just like you wouldn't comment on a person's phone conversation that you happen to overhear - don't comment on their emails that you must be straining to see.

Signed,

its hard to post and type with the window hiding below the task bar.

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Posted by Mimacat

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Posted by yelley77

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Posted by Mimacat

I have a few jobs:

Dear part of my Freshman Comp Class,

Youre dumb. Stop trying to use commas b/c you just dont get it.

H

**

Dear Doctors,

You're a bunch of pompous a$$ holes. Do you realize that if I threw out 2 days worth of work and didn't do it it would cost you $50000 in revenue? The fact that 1/5 of you dont know my name after 15 year makes me tempted to try out this experiement....

H

---

DO IT!
DO IT!

---

I'm too damn con-shee-en-shus (I've had another glass of wine and I'm not even going to attempt the spelling)

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omg. you are too funny

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Posted by ant n tilde

Dear Coworker,

I know that you are a very nice woman and you don't understand computer etiquette BUT it is NOT polite to read people's emails/work/internet sites over their shoulder from your cubicle and then comment on them. It is also NOT polite to roll over so you can get a better look.

I know the internet is a fairly new medium, but there are etiquette rules when it comes to using it. . . just like you wouldn't comment on a person's phone conversation that you happen to overhear - don't comment on their emails that you must be straining to see.

Signed,

its hard to post and type with the window hiding below the task bar.

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hate that!! Mind your effin business

Dear Mr Vice President, CTO, FVP

i know its important & you need to speak to him but i draw the line to go the Men's room. When he is finished doing his business he will call you back.

to those 'need to talk to him'.. get in line.. your not going to get very far by calling back every 2 minutes. there is a reason why i have job .to screen calls from A **^&&$ like you .

Dear Coworker

when you see a phone to my ear. that means i am busy & can not talk to you.. by you standing behind me is not going to make me get off any quicker.

also, when you see me with my coat on.. that means i am leaving.. end of MY day. you are on MY time.. so it will HAVE to wait until tomorrow


oh boy you got me started !!

Dear clients:

When you call asking for the boss and I say he is busy or not here and then I procede to ask if you want to leave a message, please don't say 'NO, but tell him......' You either say yes and procede with the message or you say no and thank you.


Sincerily,
Loy