Confessions of an assistant, By Danielly D

Dear Caller:

I wish I could tell you this BUT I can't. When you ask for a supervisor we are really just putting our nearest coworker on the phone and telling them what to say. Guess what, no matter who you ask - you are going to get the same answer.

Signed,
I AM NOT lying to you!

Dear Co-worker

when you come around to ask where 'john' is and see his office door closed and nobody in it... well gee it isn't Rocket Scientist to figure out he isn't in.!!! NO i am not going to tell where is or if he is coming in later .why so you can take a 2 hr lunch leave early or basically just goof off !!

Yeah i am getting married & do not have much choice than to make wedding related calls on company time. You see i do work 9-5 and guess what thats when eveyrbody else works too !!! SO MYOB !!!!

Dear Dr. A-hole,

I LOOOOVE my job.... but working with you really makes me mad... the fact that you think its ok to have ONE person... being ME... working both the front of the office and the back of the office at the same time while trying to fullfill your EVERY DEMAND, draw peoples blood, take blood pressures ect....im only ONE person with 2 arms and 2 legs!!!! i do not have a clone and i dont plan on getting one... Mind you im the ONLY person with a CERTIFICATE to be doing all of these things your asking of and not getting paid for it.

NOW...if you would have hired decent employees not the ones that CALL IN SICK TO AN INTERVIEW and then say.. 'take out the garbage?,well ya know i just dont do that'... IS NOT THE PEOPLE TO HIRE!!!!

Smooches,
Your AMAZING medical assistnat

p.s. I WANT A RAISE!!!!!!!

p.s.s the office STINKS like some SERIOUS B.O. and thers only so much bleach i can use to kill the ODOR!!!!!

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Posted by hwolf812

Dear_______________,
Your child is an absolute animal and I cannot teach them. Please learn some parental control so that I may stay sane. Thank you and have a great day!
Helene

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Amen to that one!

These are absolutely hysterical!!!

Dear Coworker:

I emailed you because I didn't want to speak to you on the phone,so which part of '
---'Maya' Please call 'Jane' from The Network at 212-555-1212, she called to speak with 'Jen' (remember your boss) but 'Jen' suggested you call her and try to help her. Thanks.----
didn't you get that you had to immediately call me and say 'hi it's Maya - did you want me to call Jane?'

UMMMM hello, isn't that what the email said in the first place.

Dear Title search reviewer and your clerical girl who prints your searches,

Why do you automatically blame me when the search isn't save in your system properly? If you open your eyes, you will see that YOU set up YOUR computer file incorrectly. (Duh)

Please stop emailing me to fix my search because I am RIGHT- you are WRONG..now quit buggin me b/c i have other work to do!

Sincerely,

Christine

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Posted by Soon2BMrsD

Dear Dr. A-hole,

I LOOOOVE my job.... but working with you really makes me mad... the fact that you think its ok to have ONE person... being ME... working both the front of the office and the back of the office at the same time while trying to fullfill your EVERY DEMAND, draw peoples blood, take blood pressures ect....im only ONE person with 2 arms and 2 legs!!!! i do not have a clone and i dont plan on getting one... Mind you im the ONLY person with a CERTIFICATE to be doing all of these things your asking of and not getting paid for it.

NOW...if you would have hired decent employees not the ones that CALL IN SICK TO AN INTERVIEW and then say.. 'take out the garbage?,well ya know i just dont do that'... IS NOT THE PEOPLE TO HIRE!!!!

Smooches,
Your AMAZING medical assistnat

p.s. I WANT A RAISE!!!!!!!

p.s.s the office STINKS like some SERIOUS B.O. and thers only so much bleach i can use to kill the ODOR!!!!!

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LOVE the PS and PSS.. you are freakin hysterical!

Dear Boss,

I guess I will keep it simple and truthful: YOU'RE LAZY!!!!!!!!!!

-M

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Posted by yelley77

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Posted by Soon2BMrsD

Dear Dr. A-hole,

I LOOOOVE my job.... but working with you really makes me mad... the fact that you think its ok to have ONE person... being ME... working both the front of the office and the back of the office at the same time while trying to fullfill your EVERY DEMAND, draw peoples blood, take blood pressures ect....im only ONE person with 2 arms and 2 legs!!!! i do not have a clone and i dont plan on getting one... Mind you im the ONLY person with a CERTIFICATE to be doing all of these things your asking of and not getting paid for it.

NOW...if you would have hired decent employees not the ones that CALL IN SICK TO AN INTERVIEW and then say.. 'take out the garbage?,well ya know i just dont do that'... IS NOT THE PEOPLE TO HIRE!!!!

Smooches,
Your AMAZING medical assistnat

p.s. I WANT A RAISE!!!!!!!

p.s.s the office STINKS like some SERIOUS B.O. and thers only so much bleach i can use to kill the ODOR!!!!!

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LOVE the PS and PSS.. you are freakin hysterical!

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thanks the sad thing is its the TRUTH!

Dear patient,

Please don't be rude to me when I'm trying to make you healthy and safe. You came to me because you are experiencing difficulties swallowing. If you don't like what I have to say, then you shouldn't have come. Most people cough when liquid and food go into your airway, you however do not. This puts you at risk for pneumonia. If you want pneumonia, then eat or drink whatever you want; otherwise, thickened your liquids!


Sincerely,
Tired speech pathology grad student/intern who works to much and goes to school and cannot wait to get married, graduate and live a regular life.

October 30, 2007

Dear Judy,

I understand that as dean of the school you think you are comparable to Jesus, however, I'm sick of your $hit. Everything with you is LAST minute. 3 weeks ago, I ran around like a chicken without a head trying to get you registered for a conference (which I've been asking you about since September), booked your hotel and flight because that was the DEADLINE DAY TO REGISTER. The conference is this Thursday and you call me now to inquire about the cancellation fees because you are too tired to go. I'm not sure what you can be tired from. You only come into the office 3 days a week between the hours of 11 and 4 and do nothing but complain while you are here.

Anywho, you are a crazy biitch and working here is not helping my sanity!!

Love,
looking for a new job

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Posted by yelley77

October 30, 2007

Dear Judy,

I understand that as dean of the school you think you are comparable to Jesus, however, I'm sick of your $hit. Everything with you is LAST minute. 3 weeks ago, I ran around like a chicken without a head trying to get you registered for a conference (which I've been asking you about since September), booked your hotel and flight because that was the DEADLINE DAY TO REGISTER. The conference is this Thursday and you call me now to inquire about the cancellation fees because you are too tired to go. I'm not sure what you can be tired from. You only come into the office 3 days a week between the hours of 11 and 4 and do nothing but complain while you are here.

Anywho, you are a crazy biitch and working here is not helping my sanity!!

Love,
looking for a new job

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dear client who is dying...

you have been in and out of treatment for 20+ years... u kno u cant drink.. and now ur liver has given up...

u moan and groan that you are swollen sore and sick, but tell me about how u had to drink watching the races....

u tell me u will die... but ask me to help u stop... u arent listening and i am at a loss fof words for u....

i am watching u die and u are trying to make me feel bad for u.... i REFUSE to let that happen....



signed,
annoyed intern that needs not to feel bad for everyone

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Posted by yelley77

October 30, 2007

Dear Judy,

I understand that as dean of the school you think you are comparable to Jesus, however, I'm sick of your $hit. Everything with you is LAST minute. 3 weeks ago, I ran around like a chicken without a head trying to get you registered for a conference (which I've been asking you about since September), booked your hotel and flight because that was the DEADLINE DAY TO REGISTER. The conference is this Thursday and you call me now to inquire about the cancellation fees because you are too tired to go. I'm not sure what you can be tired from. You only come into the office 3 days a week between the hours of 11 and 4 and do nothing but complain while you are here.

Anywho, you are a crazy biitch and working here is not helping my sanity!!

Love,
looking for a new job

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Danielle, you are absolutely hysterical!!!! I literally laughed out loud at my desk. thanks

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Posted by SparkyandAng

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Posted by yelley77

October 30, 2007

Dear Judy,

I understand that as dean of the school you think you are comparable to Jesus, however, I'm sick of your $hit. Everything with you is LAST minute. 3 weeks ago, I ran around like a chicken without a head trying to get you registered for a conference (which I've been asking you about since September), booked your hotel and flight because that was the DEADLINE DAY TO REGISTER. The conference is this Thursday and you call me now to inquire about the cancellation fees because you are too tired to go. I'm not sure what you can be tired from. You only come into the office 3 days a week between the hours of 11 and 4 and do nothing but complain while you are here.

Anywho, you are a crazy biitch and working here is not helping my sanity!!

Love,
looking for a new job

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Danielle, you are absolutely hysterical!!!! I literally laughed out loud at my desk. thanks

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thanks, I am glad we can laugh at our awful jobs... or else we'd all be miserable or dead. lol

Dear Customer,

When I ask what this call is in reference to, do not give me the whole story along with 3 hours of back story, just for me to have to tell you that you called the wrong dept. and i will transfer you now.... and then get aggravated that you have to say the whole story over.... a simple 'i am calling regarding payment' or 'i am calling on a commercial account' would suffice and then i could move you along!!

Very Truly Yours,
ME

Dear Boss:

Thank you for calling me into your office to ask me if I can cover for another incompentant co-worker and fly out to Orlando Thursday (yesthe day after tomorrow) after just spending 4 days in Chicago and not give me a straight answer as to whether or not I am going and you leave for the day in 3 minutes.

Signed:
Not like I don't have to get suits cleaned from the last trip and laundry done so I can leave again or anything!

Dear.................

I'm sorry that you have so many personal problems, I really am. We've all been there at some point. I'm also sorry that everyone at work can't stand when you're on because lets face it, if you weren't born into the system, you wouldn't have a job. So why don't you stop e-mailing all of your internet bf's from BBW websites and get to work? Yeah, I know I go on LIW at work all the time, but I get the job done.....

Sincerely,

Night Shift



Dear......................

I'm sorry I had to page you 4 times about your patient, and i'm sorry that you couldn't call back because you were on the phone, but please don't chew my ear out about it and then come in the next day asking to be my friend. My 'Friends' are not 45 year old single women that are schizo-affective and wear sneakers with dress pants...and my friends call me back right away

P.S.: next time, i'll just call an intern who knows nothing and let them handle the situation.

P.P.S.: i know i'm nice to you at work, but I really really dislike you greatly. And you smell like bad cheese sometimes.

love this & must add to it!

My dearest assistant,

you are seriously my bestest friend in this s**thouse- you protect me when I dont want to talk to the boss or a vendor and most important, you spell check my memos.

Eternally grateful,
the boss-woman

Dear Staff-
Can we please stop celebrating every holiday under the sun- i am getting fat.

sincerely,
chubbo your boss

These are hilarious....and so theraputic!!

Dear Boss,

Please please PLEASE stop asking me to make appointments for you, jump through hoops to have everyone accomodate your schedule because only YOURS matters, call to confirm with a time change because your brain farted and forgot about another appointment you made without telling me and then NOT show up to the meeting at all?? Or have me call you to ask you where you are and ask me to tell them you'll be there in another hour or so?? Seriously? Your a lawyer dude, not the pope, no one wants to see you THAT badly. And for the record, I haven't had a lunch hour in about 6 months because you hire lazy stupid people and pay them WAYYY more than you pay me. You know how I know? Because I DO PAYROLL!!! guess you forgot you gave me that little job huh? I can't wait to quit cause you have noooooo idea how much it is I do here...even though you seem to think I don't do a hell of a lot because you have greedy little credit takers here!

Thanks!!
Meagan (not meggy or whatever the hell else you call me)

Ahh....one more

Dear Lazy Snot Girl,

Please stop wearing such short dresses and skirts that I can see your underwear. They're not appropriate for this LAW OFFICE nor your body shape. And if you ever throw a file on my desk and demand I do something for you again, I might have to shove the file up your a** (and I can with ease....cause I can get a clear shot due to your short short skirt)

Thank you!!!
Nauseaus Assistant