I am not supposed to know about my bridal shower but it appears I have 2 bridesmaids who do not want to contribute to the bridal shower and are complaining to my mother in law! Now my fiance has come to me saying that they should just get a pass and everyone else should cover their share and I do not think that is fair to the rest of them. This has caused a serious fight between my family and his family and especially between me and him. I just want the issue resolved. I suggested to my fiance that I talk to them and see if they would like to back out of their responsibilities of being a bridesmaid and to just be a guest I would not be angry or hold it against them in any way. Does anyone out there have any advice on what to do? Please help a frustrated bride!
AngnShaun
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
First i would find out if they have a reason why they dont want to contribute...
AwaitingAugust
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
i would be upset if two of my BMs were causing problems with my shower as well ... if they can't help financially, it's not really fair to the other BMs (unless they have a really good reason). But if they DO have a reason, maybe they won't want to be in the bridal party because of the cost involved with buying & altering a dress, paying for hair & makeup, etc ....
i'd give them a way out ...
one more question - do you WANT them to be in the bridal party? if they're bothering you at this point, just ask them to come as guests
dolores4321
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
B/c they are family and should not have to pay to be in the wedding. Because they are in-laws I am trying to be diplomatic and come up with a solution saying they can pay alittle less and I will cover the difference but to expect to pay nothing at all is just crazy to me.
AwaitingAugust
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
i'm sorry but if they pay less than your other BMs just because they're 'family', that's extremely unfair to your other BMs.
If i were your BM and i found out they were paying less than me, i'd be extremely annoyed and upset
If they are causing all this drama over such stupidity, then maybe they don't deserve to be in the bridal party.
AwaitingAugust
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
ps sorry if this is a stuipd question but if your wedding isnt' for another 10 months, why are they planning your shower already?
dolores4321
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
My MOH is really enjoying her job! lol she has been looking everywhere and is trying to give everyone a heads up bc we have some in the bridal party who are out of state and she doesnt want to do things last minute. I am so grateful that she is trying her best.
halfbaked
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
How old are these girls?
We had many, many issues with my shower. Some I'm not supposed to know about, some I'm sure I actually DON'T know about. One thing was BM's not wanting to contribute to certain parts of the shower. My mom/aunt paid for the whole thing. The only thing the girls were asked to contribute for were some small decorations, games/prizes, a gift for the bride (as there was talk of everyone chipping in for one big gift but because of contribution issues, they decided to forget it and just each get me their own gifts).
My sister is 16 and she was a BM. She doesn't have a job as my parents prefer her not to work during the school year and she had to do volunteer service for school. The BMs asked her to contribute to the games/prizes and decorations. Personally, I wouldn't expect her to pay for it and I never would've asked. It bothered me a little that they asked her, knowing full well it would come from my mother's pocket and that my mother paid for the whole shower. If they are young and can't contribute or can't contribute as much, I understand, but if it's because they are family and just feel they should hav an automatic spot in your BP without the responsibility then they need a reality check.
ETA: And if they're giving you this much of a headache now, girl I pray for you! Normally I'd say give 'em the boot, but they'r family and that would be many, many years of awkwardness.
FuTuRe MrS MaZz
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
Posted by dolores4321
I am not supposed to know about my bridal shower but it appears I have 2 bridesmaids who do not want to contribute to the bridal shower and are complaining to my mother in law! Now my fiance has come to me saying that they should just get a pass and everyone else should cover their share and I do not think that is fair to the rest of them. This has caused a serious fight between my family and his family and especially between me and him. I just want the issue resolved. I suggested to my fiance that I talk to them and see if they would like to back out of their responsibilities of being a bridesmaid and to just be a guest I would not be angry or hold it against them in any way. Does anyone out there have any advice on what to do? Please help a frustrated bride!
If the drama is ensuing already, I can only send some prayers your way for what will come later on down the road! I def think you should stress the point about maybe not having them in the wedding... It'll prob be better for everyone involved... been there, done that... heed the warning LOL
AngnShaun
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
Posted by AwaitingAugust
ps sorry if this is a stuipd question but if your wedding isnt' for another 10 months, why are they planning your shower already?
i think thats a fine time to start planning it...
AngnShaun
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
Posted by dolores4321
B/c they are family and should not have to pay to be in the wedding. Because they are in-laws I am trying to be diplomatic and come up with a solution saying they can pay alittle less and I will cover the difference but to expect to pay nothing at all is just crazy to me.
im sorry but that makes absolutely no sense at all...
AmyElizabeth
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
That is a crappy reason. 2 of my BMs are FSILs, and they are paying the same as my sister, and my 2 friends. (well, at least no drama yet)
But maybe you can talk to them and explain that they are paying to attend the wedding, but rather they are a special part of your big day.
Sorry for your stress!
dolores4321
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
Jilli: One girl isnt a girl shes a grown married woman...my fiances sister...shes like 38 or something. i was in her wedding and i paid no problem. The other is my fiances niece who is 14. Now with her i had an agreement with my fiance and his brother that if i make her a bridesmaid i will have no issue with paying for anything that Damon...her father and my fiances brother...would pay her portion. I did not want her to be a bridesmaid bc she is too young but they assured me there will be no problems. Of course now that she has to pay he says no she shouldnt pay bc shes too young and its family so if i make her pay then i have to make the flower girls pay as well! I never wanted a big bridal party i wanted 4 girls max and i have a 7 girl party! the shower would have to be in a hall/restaurant bc too many people are coming and we cant have it outside bc it will be in march of next yr and it will be too cold. My MOH is trying so hard to find the cheapest place there is that doesnt look tacky but if they cant pay anything its not fair. The only solution i think there is is that she is too young to be in the party she should not be in it. Another question to shoot out there is $200 too much to ask for? Our shower will be for 40 people in a hall/restaurant so keep that in mind. Its $35 pp that seems to be the average price. I didnt think that was so expensive.
Moonmist09
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
when you sign on to being a BM, you know that you are going ot have to contribute something! why would they not want to pay for anything? did they assume that the mom's would take care of the Bridal Shower? I would approach them and ask them that if they can not contribute, they do no thave to be in the bridal party, but that if they want to be BM, they HAVE to contribute.
when i was planning my sister's BS, my BIL's sister refused to chip in after all the BM decied to pool our money and get her one big gift (we wanted to get her all of her serving pieces from her China set) she refused, saying no she didn't want to do that. i said fine, i collected money from everyone else and only put those girls name on the card. She looked like a complete fool when everyone gave her so much and she gave her her one crummy gift, and technically it was for her brother too!
halfbaked
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
Posted by dolores4321
Jilli: One girl isnt a girl shes a grown married woman...my fiances sister...shes like 38 or something. i was in her wedding and i paid no problem. The other is my fiances niece who is 14. Now with her i had an agreement with my fiance and his brother that if i make her a bridesmaid i will have no issue with paying for anything that Damon...her father and my fiances brother...would pay her portion. I did not want her to be a bridesmaid bc she is too young but they assured me there will be no problems. Of course now that she has to pay he says no she shouldnt pay bc shes too young and its family so if i make her pay then i have to make the flower girls pay as well! I never wanted a big bridal party i wanted 4 girls max and i have a 7 girl party! the shower would have to be in a hall/restaurant bc too many people are coming and we cant have it outside bc it will be in march of next yr and it will be too cold. My MOH is trying so hard to find the cheapest place there is that doesnt look tacky but if they cant pay anything its not fair. The only solution i think there is is that she is too young to be in the party she should not be in it. Another question to shoot out there is $200 too much to ask for? Our shower will be for 40 people in a hall/restaurant so keep that in mind. Its $35 pp that seems to be the average price. I didnt think that was so expensive.
That older woman is just plain crazy. There's absolutely no reason why she should be exempt from contributing!! The 14 year old girl, I agree with to a point, I think the BMs should've asked your FH about what to do for payment for the 14 year old and then he could've contacted her parents and it all should've been fine, especially if they agreed to this beforehand. Maybe the parents just aren't aware of the situation and the 14 y/o is taken aback because she thinks they expect it to come out of her pocket! She is very young for a BM, I'd even consider her a Jr. BM. Unfortunately it seems to be that $35 is the average price. My mom couldn't find lower than that for her shower. Maybe, if the girls are really uncomfortable about the cost, maybe they could rent a hall and bring their own food or have it catered but in a much more casual way- I think another bride posted about an all you can eat BBQ catering service or like my cousin's bridal shower they got a big hero and then a bunch of side dishes and salads. Or you could do a brunch which also seems to bring costs down. If you need help, please feel free to FM me!! Good luck!
ETA: Or maybe not serve alcohol? Or limit the alcohol to bottles of wine on the table.
AugustBridein09
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
JMO
......but if they are FAMILY I would think they would be MORE willing to shell out $$$ more so than friends. That is how I am.
Also my response to the dad with the 14 year old is that if she is old enough to be a bridesmaid then she is old enough to have a share in the cost. (not her but her parents). I also agree with some of the other ladies on here in that she should be more of Jr. BM at 14. She can't participate or contribute to the bachelorette party either so thats another thing I would consider in my arguement to say she has to contribute to the shower.
CrazyLove11
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
there could be a lot of factors playing into this...Forgive me if I repeat anything others may have said or if you explained anything already but are these BM young? in college? lost a job? something like that may give them a pass....
But I do think you should ask them if they want to bow out. If you haven't been clear already on the expenses associated with the BMs responsibilities now is the time to do it.
I do think that you FH should stand by you on this one and not let HIS family get off with being cheap! Nto fair to you, your family, or your other BMs. just my thoughts....
jenhef
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
What exactly are they being asked to pay for? Does it seem unreasonable?
dolores4321
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
all the bridesmaids were asked to chip in for the shower its being held in a hall and there are 7 girls and i am only having problems with these 2 1 is saying its too much ($200) and the other is saying that they shouldnt have to pay at all bc they are too young which is why we asked the parents before she was put in the wedding if they would pay and they said yes and now its an issue. its not unreasonable at all. my MOH is doing such a fantastic job planning and accomodating everyone that these 2 girls need to just stop the bs already and either pay or get out.
elp6421
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Re: Difficult Bridesmaids
Wow. I am sorry you are going through all of this! I dont think $200 is unreasonable but I guess if they are already buying a gift ect. it could get a little expensive.
What if you had the shower some place else?? But I totally agree - each girls contribution should be the same!!!!!
