do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

I am having a very small party. (maid of honor, matron of honor, 3 bridesmaids) I was talking with my friend Christina who is my sorority sister and the first girl I met when I went through rush. We became good friends. We went to Disney together and whenever I needed to vent she was always there for me. I didnt ask her to be in my party, however another girl Debbie who is also my sorority sister is in my party and her hubby Bart is in FI's party. Debbie and I have always been friends. We always talk via email and had little get togethers and she is just a nice person and I wanted her to be apart of my wedding. Christina and I were talking and I mentioned how I will be seeing Debbie and what was going on. She got very mad and insulted I didnt ask her to be in my party, but I asked Debbie and Brian asked her hubby Bart. I told her 'I need someone to be the hostess at the church, the organizer, the greater. Someone who can direct traffic and hand out the programs, tell people where things are etc. Someone who is energetic, funny, witty. just because your not in the party, believe me i am going to need you for a lot more of things.What brian and i wanted was a small party and we want all of our friends and family involved in other ways. if we have a large party then maybe people wouldnt feel as special to be apart of our day so we figured if we have a small party all of our other friends can be 'special' attendents. someone to help us during our planning. someone who can be there the day of the wedding to help me with last minute stuff...believe me i need you a lot more as my friend and organizer and planner'

She was like yea ok.

I don't know if she took my sincere response or if was still really hurt.

Do you think I handled this ok?? It's the truth though we didnt want a large party because we wanted everyone to feel special by helping us with different things, and we're going to acknowledge those individials in our programs.

I feel a little bad that she isnt a BM when another girl in our sorority is, but I just want a little advice from you ladies....Do you think I handled it ok???

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

I think you handled it well, but I wouldn't say you have a small party - you have 5 people! thats not small, so she might not understand that as an excuse. But she should appreciate that you're looking to include her in other ways. Perhaps you can ask her to do a reading? The role you described sounds more like work than the honorary / high profile position of a bridesmaid.

Not that you should try and appease everyone, or that you owe her an excuse, just trying to give you some prespective from her side.

Edited to say, I was MOH in a friends wedding and I didn't ask her to be in mine. I had 6 girls - my 2 sisters, his 2 sisters and my two closest friends. To have extended it further meant asking at least 2 more people, and that was just too many! Don't worry about it, she'll come around.

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

Hey-sorry you had to deal with this awkward situation. I think you handled it just fine! What are you supossed to say? It's a weird situation and I think you handled it the best way. You tried to make her feel special and if she can't understand how you wanted a small party etc.....then that's her problem. I commend you for not getting 'testy' back with her and all defensive!! She should understand that its not like the whole sorority is it and she's not--the other girl's husband is in it! some people just can't deal with this stuff! But definetley don't feel guilty--it's not your actions--it's her REACTION!!
don't sweat it!

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

Thanks.

Compared to other parties I've heard about I really thought 5 would be considered small.

I know its our day, but I dont want anyone to feel insulted because I asked one person over another. I know it sounds silly, but I thought the same thing, she would appreciate being involved in other ways.

I know when one friend of mine got married she had a friend who wasnt a BM of hers arrive early to her house and help out with setting up bagels, making sure her mom was ok, helping the bride and BM's, going to the church and handing out programs, handing out the bubbles, etc...She was happy to just be apart of helping the bride and groom on there big day. I guess thats what I was hoping for, the people who arent in our party to feel appreciated to be helping us in other ways. I have 2 readers already. My cousin and his cousin (the sisters of 2 girls that are BM's.)

Thanks

Edited to add: Endless thanks you really made me feel better

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

read my edited version above...

I think it'd be great if she could appreciate helping you out on your day - thats an important role but may be better suited for someone who wants to do it with love rather than someone who resents not being a BM. Some people just don't get what its all about - they just get competitive about who's in and who's out.

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

Lisat: wow...thanks...greatly put!

I really needed to see that from you and endless. Those words meant a lot to me and I really needed someone to tell me its ok.

Thanks.

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

thats what we're here for

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

i think you handled it well, that is definitely a difficult situation...you are 100% entitled to select whoever you want for your BP....but just to be fair - i can see how she might feel left out and insulted....i agree with lisat that the role you have set out for her does sound a bit like work, so if she doesn't seem too eager, then don't push her too much...i'm sure she will get over it eventually....

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

I think you handled it VERY well. I had a similar situation of 2 co-workers and I chose one over the other just because I was closer to the other and honestly, we did not want a big bridal party and Gary didn't have another friend to ask. Well things got very weird and she didn't understand. Fast forward to after the wedding and I still have no regrets about what I did. SOMEONE will always have a say about something with your wedding and you have to go with your instinct and stick to it. It is YOUR day. I believe we have friends on all different levels, sure this girl was a friend but not one that I wanted to be a BM, plain and simple. You were very nice for trying to include her in other ways, if she doesn't come around as the wedding gets closer, it is her loss not yours!

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

Thanks everyone. You really cheered me up

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

I think you handled it very well. It was a difficult situation. She was also probably hurt initially after hearing she wasn't in the wedding but with time she may realize that the important thing is being part of the special day in any capacity.

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

I'm not sure if what you wrote is word-for-word what you said, but I see one line that I think she could have been hurt by... you say, 'if we have a large party then maybe people wouldnt feel as special to be apart of our day' Which loosely translates into 'these other friends are more special to us then you.' In the end, I think you did the right thing, and am glad to see you were so honest with her -- but I would expect shes feeling a bit underloved at the moment!

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

I just cant believe how people get so upset. We've been engaged for 3 months and I have friends who I've known for years and arent in our party and have been so helpful. Girls who I didnt ask to do anything and it seems like they are doing everything. They've been sending me emails about bridal expo's, one is a BM in her friends wedding and showed me the dress she is wearing and where the place is and her experience there. I have another friend who looks for the new bridal magazines on the newstands and asks if i am interested in that magazine and she'll get it for me.

I thought just being asked hey do you know a good DJ we could use for the wedding or hey I know yo know a lot of vendors can you do some research for me on a vendor, she would feel appreciated and involved in some way.

I guess each person is different.

Thanks for all the kind words everyone. It has really made me feel better. I was so upset that I hurt someone who is a friend to me and I didnt want her to be bitter or mad at me forever. Your kind words really helped me and I dont feel at all guilty or upset anymore

Re: do you think i handled this ok...friend is mad she isnt BM

Hi, I can't believe I missed this post earlier, I want to add my 2 cents, take it from someone who has a HUGE Bridal Party, no matter what you do, you will never make EVERYONE happy. If you wanted her to be a BM, she might want to be MOH, and so on. .. .
I think you handled it perfectly, you didnt make her a BM, but wanted her as a Hostess, whatever instead, it's up to her if she thinks that is 'beneath' her. I just aked a good friend who I didnt ask to be in the BP, but whose sister is a MOH, to do a reading in my wedding, and she was very happy. I definitely couldnt tell her that I wanted a small BP, b/c it sure wouldnt be true, LOL But she didnt get mad at me, and I didnt even try to offer an explanation

I know I'm babbling, I guess my point is you did the right thing. You made a decision and stuck to it. How she will be involved will be up to her.
Good Luck w/the rest of your planning, don't let the small things stress you out, you've got vendors to deal with !!!!!!!!