LIWeddings.com
Post New Topic

Does this seem weird to you?

Original post by AlisonMT

Hey all... We finally got out STDs out and I got this message back from one of my BMs:

>>Hey! Good to hear from you. You'll be proud....I made my reservation at the Wyndham Wind Watch this morning. I am planning on flying in on the 5th and leaving the morning of the 7th. I am not sure yet if Michael will be coming but, if he doesn't, my friend Laura (you may remember her as another of my bridesmaids) may come along with me in his stead. <<

Michael is her husband. Does this strike anyone else as sort of odd? Does she get to bring a guest other than her husband? Any thoughts?

I will update re my invitation debacle soon, too...suffice it to say, we can't go with the words we chose because my dad has to be Mr. Traditional about it. Can you believe the man actually blew a gasket because I am having the replies come to me (and not him)?! Even made some inane comment about how I am trying to sabotage HIS event by making it look like he is not inviting people (I believe his exact words were, 'make me look like a schmuck') I am not kidding. Argh, these are gonna be 5 LOOOONG months!
Claud2001 Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

Truthfully Allison? Your friend's business is none of your business. How much she paid per person at her wedding, or how long her wedding may have lasted has NOTHING whatsoever to do with your event, so I don't see the connection there. Are you concerned that she's having marital problems, or are you just trying to dictate exactly who the invite was meant for?

Regarding her friend coming along...she does not owe you an explanation about why her hubby cannot (or may not) attend, or why she would choose to bring Laura. She only owes you the favour of a REPLY, stating how many seats you should reserve for her and her guest.

If you fully intended for her to have her spouse (and only her spouse) with her that day anyway, than the fact that she is bringing someone else should make no difference to you (at least in terms of headcount). If you are a little bent b/c you don't know her friend Laura, and you don't want Laura at your wedding, then you need to tell your friend how you feel. But, don't be surprised if you end up fighting w/her b/c it may not have occured to her that you would find this strange.

Try to give her the benefit of the doubt, too. Call her - do not send an email...let her know that you have some concerns and see if she is okay. If there is a more personal reason why she might want her friend Laura with her, than try to be understanding. You are her friend, and your wedding is only one day in the lives of you and all your loved ones. Best of luck!
AlisonMT Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

Ouch! That stings!

The only reason I brought up the $$ with you guys at all is because this BM felt the need to tell me that her wedding cost $10/head. If THAT's not inappropriate, I don't know what is!!

PS-I spell my name with one L.
karenJ Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

I think that if she should have asked if it was ok to bring someone other than her husband. However she most likely assumed that you would be ok with it since she would be traveling by herself (and sitting by herself) otherwise. It does not sound that she meant to be obnoxious.

Sassy Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

I didnt realize it was such a big deal w/your dad. So controlling,. . . . I guess everyone wants it to be 'their' event
Is your Mom talking sense into him?

About your BM, I will say again I would think it's OK, afterall you're letting her bring herself and her husband, and this person is taking her hubbys place for whatever reason.
It's up to you to bring it up to her, sounds like you are determined to do so. But be careful of your words, if she's indeed going through some marital issues, you want to be sensitive to that.
Also, my other point is that shes part of your BP. I'm a strong believer that my BP should be able to bring a guest. She's standing up for you, and I dont think it's right to have her come alone if she doesnt want to. It doesnt matter what 'Laura' will be doing while your BM is busy, that's up to her and Laura. You can request that Laura not take part in anything more intimate such as RD, etc. . .
dkga1026 Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

Alison, I don't think you meant it in a bad way at all about the $10..You're right, she probably doesn't think it is a big deal to bring an uninvited guest because she may not be aware of how expensive weddings are here. All I know is that when I receive an invitation addressed to Mr and Mrs DKGA1026, that means me and DH are invited, not me and anyone else I might decide to bring instead of DH. I honestly don't think she is doing anything on purpose. But it is rude to bring someone else without asking, plain and simple. If my husband can't come, I go alone, I don't go at all or I will ask to bring someone else - but that's just me.
AlisonMT Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

I guess I should clarify that I don't think she is doing it on purpose at all. And I brought the $10 thing up for another reason, too: to show how different her wedding was from mine. She is not used to this grand, LI-style craziness. And I am sure she didn't mean anything bad by her e-mail. I just don't know whether or not to say something or let it go. If only she had just asked me first. . These next 5 months are going to be hell, aren't they...?

WishCandy Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

I would definitely speak to your bm and in a nice way, explain to her that the invite was for her & her husband... and you don't want to have to pay for someone you don't even know. The end. If she has a problem with it, she'll have to work it out. It's kinda ballsy to invite her friend w/o asking you first.

dkga1026 Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

I say, even though she is wrong not to ask first, if it isn't a big deal with you, then let it slide. I have a feeling there is no way to put it nicely without hurting her feelings. One extra person will not make a big difference. Good luck!
Claud2001 Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

Alison, I'm sorry that I incorrectly spelled your name in my previous post.

However, I did not mean for you to feel a 'sting' b/c of my post either! I am sorry if I came across that way...you know how email can be! I just honestly didn't see why her wedding factored into your reasons for thinking that her email was strange.

Also, I really think that you should just talk to your friend and see what's up with her. All I meant was that her business is her own - regardless of your friendship. But, that goes for all of us. I think sometimes we forget that our friends and relatives have their own lives, and they don't always do the things we expect them to do.

I gathered from your posts that this friend lives in the South, and weddings there are radically different. Perhaps it's customary [where she lives] to honor an invitation by bringing someone along, if the original person invited is unable to attend (for whatever reason). Maybe that's why she wrote about bringing Laura in her email to you.

In any case, you are right...the next 5 months will probably not be the most fun you've ever had (until the actual wedding day, hopefully!). Planning a wedding is NOT fun, and people s*ck for the most part...for some reason, weddings make people throw all their social graces to the wind.
I truly wish you the best...try not to let these 'little' things get to you..and they are all 'little' trust me! All that really matters is your marriage license, your FH and the officiant performing your ceremony. The rest is icing on the cake! Hang in there!
mv1003 Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

Alison- I totally understand where you're coming from. If it's not her hubby, you'd rather not spend the $100 ++ on someone you don't know, you would rather have the seat for someone else. I do think it's awkward, if 'Laura' doesn't know you or anyone else, that she'd even want to go? I'd think she would feel awkward hanging out with a bunch of people she's never met before.
The flip side is, I agree that when you invite a couple, if one person can't make it, they should be allowed to bring someone else. But... she's a BM!!! So??
I think she totally should've ASKED you, before she informed you of what she was doing. I would approach her, in a very nice way though. Just tell her your concerned because obviously 'Laura' doesn't know the area & there's not going to be room in the limo, that you really don't want to have the responsiblity of making sure she has a ride with your friends etc... you don't want 'Laura' to feel uncomfortable etc... what do you think about that approach? Maybe she'll shed some light as to why she wants to bring her?
Valenia Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

I think people have given some good advice on the issues with your friend, but I thought I could add a bit on the issue with your father...

I understand your organizational reasons for wanting to receive the RSVPs. However, I also think I understand what your father is feeling. Basically, there is a well established norm that the responses go to the parents of the bride. The only exception to this rule tends to be when there is an estranged relationship or if the B&G are older/paying for it all themselves. Neither of these normal exceptions apply -- so your dad is reasonably concerned that people are going to interpret it as a indication of a strained relationship or lack of support. Personally, I'd suggest letting the RSVPs go to them, but giving them a shoebox to place them in as they arrive. Then you can sort/organize however you wish.
zac1228 Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

I am among those that feel that she should be able to bring a guest. Yes - you are spending alot of money on your wedding - and many times people who are not from NYU or LI don't understand the cost of a wedding here. But you should also understand her point of view. She is traveling in for your wedding, paying for a plane ticket and a hotel room. Plus, she is in your BP, so I am assuming (and maybe I'm wrong) that she is paying for a BM dress, shoes, etc. So, if she wants to bring a 'guest', let her. What does it matter if it's her husband or someone else? A guest is a guest and you would have to pay for them no matter what.

JMO.
Stacey1403 Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

Alison both of our parents helped pay for the wedding and the invitations were worded as such and I had the response cards come to myself! I think most girls want the cards to come to them and unless you still live with your parents it's a different address! One of the best parts pre-wedding was getting the mail everyday! Stick to your guns and at least your mom is on your side As for the BM just remember that she is your friend and you are obviously tense about other aspects of the wedding and you don't want to hurt your friends feelings and in the grand scheme of things if she does bring a friend instead of her hubby you won't notice her anyway Good luck!
JoRo Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

Hey Alison - you have FM!!

svea Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

Huh, all these conflicting replies must be confusing! For my 2 cents worth...It seems quite inappropriate to me that your friend would invite her own non-partner guest along. An invitation is for a friend/family member and partner. You are required to invite people's serious domestic partners - but not someone's boyfriend-of-2-weeks. Unless YOU want them to bring any misc. guest for their comfort. Guests are there to witness your marriage and celebrate it as friends and family - partners (even if you don't know them) are like extended friends/family. A friend of a friend isn't the same! She sounds a little clueless - the $10 per person thing is related I think because it demonstrates her probable general cluelessness about more formal weddings. She needs gentle direction - perhaps you could have a mutual friend address the issue in a surreptitious way (hey, are you and Joe coming?...No?..oh, you can't invite your own guest! You better ask!) if you feel you can't address it yourself. Although maybe she didn't actually mean she's bringing the friend to the wedding - maybe just to LI? (probably not though.) Also, doesn't your dad realize that the wording on the invitations will make it clear that he's 'sponsoring' the wedding? Maybe you could direct his control freak tendencies in more productive ways - have him research lodgings for out of town guests or exactly appropriate invitation wording or something! Good luck!

MISHY Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

I guess people just assume that no matter what a guest will be included..

allure Posted:

Re: Does this seem weird to you?

I dont think it should matter who goes as her guest like others have said in this post most people dont like going stag to a wedding i dont think this guest will ruin your day in any way.JMO

Reply to this topic

Log in to reply or quote a post.