Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...CRAZY UPDATE

Original post by Mmnnng

Jul 30, 2007 11:18 AM

Ok so here's my quick story...

My FH and I have been together for 7 years (secretly married for 2) and I'm just not sure I can go through with another wedding. He used to be a great man, but he fell into a very lucrative career and money has changed him into something awful. I thought I was overreacting until this weekend when he went away and I had time to think.

He promised me years ago he would adopt my children, but yet whenever its brought up, he ignores me or says he's not ready. He is completely uncapable of displaying emotions. If I am upset and need to talk, he doesn't know how to listen, but rather is tells me how stressed he is about his job and I don't know what stress is.

Pastor April sent me a copy of the ceremony and I was thinking...holy crap its all a lie! It sounds beautiful and wonderful but it isn't true and even though I would like the words to mean something to him, I don't think he is able to comprehend them. He really has no clue how to process emotion. I know it is so late for me to be thinking of this, but I watched my mother suffer in a one sided marriage for years and don't want to end up like her. I thought that when we got married the first time, we would all become a family but I still feel like its me and my children on on side and him on another. I don't know if I can feel like this forever.

I had a convo with him about this many times and he says he'll change, he'll go to speak to someone, but he never follows through and then blames me for it. Says I should've made the appointment or whatever...HELLO?? I am asking you do to this for me. Thats all I ask of him. His only job in life is to go to work, he does nothing around this house or anything like that....he lives on his own schedule, not on our family's.

So the other night we started talking on the phoen about all of this and I tell him that I am not sure about it anymore and blah blah blah....he turns around and blames the fact that I saw my ex at a funeral a few days before!! Wants to know what I said to him, what happend, ect...I was at a freaking funeral not a party! So obviously he has a way of turning everything around on me. So we continue talking and I basically say that I don't know if I can do this anymore and I don't feel fufilled, ect. And he tells me he is in shell shock and can't believe it.....THEN... yesterday his flight was cancelled and the only thing he said all day was how he had to get home to get to the office...not how he needed to come home and talk with me and work things out with me or any thing like that!

I am so hurt and confused and I just needed to write this all down! Thanks ladies! I really had that 'he's gonna change' theory in my head like a fool and I just don't think he can....I dont' know what to do!

mskittynj Posted: Jul 30, 2007 01:38 PM

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

It sounds like you are a very intelligent woman and you have already figured out what to do in this situation. Although sometimes guys really need a wake up call to change...The only suggestion I have is if you're absolutely sure you don't want to be in this situation, leave. Maybe this will prompt him to make that change he said he was going to make. If you leave and he doesn't do the right thing by you, then he was never worth it in the first place and this was a learning experience in your life. Good luck sweetie this is a tough one...
XOXOXOXO
Kitty

BAL5-9-05 Posted: Jul 30, 2007 02:26 PM

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I'm sending you FM.

luna bride x Posted: Jul 30, 2007 02:53 PM

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LeeLee111 Posted: Jul 30, 2007 03:14 PM

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Dont be afraid to talk to a therapist if you think it will help but you have to do whats best for you and your children.

GT143EA Posted: Jul 30, 2007 03:23 PM

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope everything works out for you.

jennandrolo Posted: Jul 30, 2007 04:01 PM

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

He sounds EXACTLY like my father and to tell you the truth my mother is not happy in her marriage. My father lacks emotion 95% of the time although he has gotten better since retiring from the NYPD. When he was working, the job stressed him soo much, our family got no love from him. He felt that if he was bringing in the money thats all that counted. My mother constantly complains that he never listens to her, takes her feelings into account or shows his kids emotion either. Not only does it take a toll on her but on us kids too. Lately our relationship has gotten alot better but I can say that when I was younger, I despised my father.

I would say from the experience in my household, you dont want to put yourself and your children through that. If he hasnt changed since you originally got married, he may never. I mean would you rather be single and heartbroken or married and miserable?

davenjess Posted: Jul 30, 2007 04:02 PM

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

How are you??? Haven't seen a reply in a bit....

Shorty McBride Posted: Jul 30, 2007 04:28 PM

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MikeandLisa Posted: Jul 30, 2007 08:34 PM

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kflan75 Posted: Jul 30, 2007 08:35 PM

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I think youboth need to go thru some counseling... not just by the pastor performing a renewal, but maybe someone who can help sort out some differneces. IMO- its more about saving your marriage you are already in... not going through with a big party for the sake of bringing the secret out to the light.

diva7531 Posted: Jul 30, 2007 09:21 PM

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Posted by misbran

Thanks all...

I think some of you missed the part that we are already married (we eloped two years ago without ever being engaged or anything, it was kinda on a whim.)

I understand the councilling theory but I have suggested it so many times and he says ok and then goes on and forgets I was ever upset. I am so scared. I have made all his friends my friends, his family my family, and I honestly can say I will have nothing if this ends. Its the scariest thing I have ever thought of.

I can't stop crying.

I am SO sorry you are going thru this!!! As scary as it is now, imagine how much harder it will be later. More time invested, for you, the girls. IMHO I think you shoudl postpone the 'wedding' and start counseling, for you and you and him. Explain to him your feelings are not going away. Feeling stuck and trapped is no way to live. Beleive me, this was my situation 3 years ago. I took all the money I had out of my pension to buy a house with my ex. Then things changed, he changed his mind about a lot of the things we discussed when DD and I moved in with him and his sons. We fought constantly about everything and nothing. Then the fighting stopped, but on the inside I was screaming, but I stopped because I knew he wouldn't hear me no matter what I said. At the time I thought what the heck am I gonna do. I knew my parenting was suffering because I was that unhappy, so I picked up DD and left. Best decision I ever made!!!!! It took me months to fully recover from the whole situation. I would be OK during the day but at night I would drown in my own misery. Whatever you do, do it for you and DD's, not him or his family or anything but you and your girls. GL, I'm always here to talk if you need to vent

daniebc16 Posted: Jul 30, 2007 09:25 PM

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You really need to listen to the voice inside your head...When people ask you if you want to get married, or are you excited about the wedding, and that voice says no, then listen to it. On the other hand, if it says that you want to marry him and be with him forever, then work it out. Either way,since you are already married you have a tough decision to make, you either get counseling together or seek other means of doing what you need to do. Nobody knows what to do but you. Reach deep inside yourself and find the answer, you must must must do what you feel is right for you and your children. Good luck....many prayers and hugs

davenjess Posted: Jul 30, 2007 09:44 PM

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I'm getting concerned MisBran...we haven't heard from you in awhile...

ARE YOU OKAY??!?!?!?!??!

kates Posted: Jul 30, 2007 09:55 PM

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Follow your heart. It will never lead you the wrong way.

mwarner Posted: Jul 30, 2007 09:57 PM

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I am so sorry that you are going through this. You should go with what your gut is telling you, it usually is right. Take it from someone who has called off a wedding and is now happily planning a wedding, go with your gut.

Good Luck to you, it is amazing how life always seems to work out.

VadersBride2006 Posted: Jul 30, 2007 10:07 PM

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Posted by misbran

I understand the councilling theory but I have suggested it so many times and he says ok and then goes on and forgets I was ever upset.
I can't stop crying.

You need to show him you are serious about it this time. If that means going as far as to move out, or just by making the appointment. Just tell him: 'We are going here at this time and date. If you do not come, I will know where I stand.'

Mmnnng Posted: Jul 31, 2007 12:37 AM

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Thanks so much everyone....it really means a lot that you are all there! I dont' really know where else to turn to get unbiased opinions or input....

Don't worry Davenjess.. I'm here, left for work for a bit, but I'm ok...thanks so much for everything!

He got stuck in NC again until tomorrow so I guess tomorrow is my D-day...I will be back with anything new....right now I am so emotionally exhusted to continue typing

SAMORY Posted: Jul 31, 2007 01:31 AM

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WOW! that's a lot for one person to bear. But God is still good. I think you need to go to you pastor and speak to him/her about the situation and then you both should go back for the second meeting. Keep your head up and be blessed.

PegaLega Posted: Jul 31, 2007 03:14 AM

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

First off, I am so sorry that you are going thru all of this. But I think that you need to tell him how serious you are...if it means telling him you need some time b/c you need him to understand then do it. Unfortunately the saying is true...the wedding is great but it is ONE DAY! And the marriage is forever.
PLEASE! Think and go with your gut. Tell him how you feel and I know it sounds awful but do not go thru with it if you dont feel in your heart its right.
You can always pick up and find a way to move on...but you cant always walk away once you are in.
I dont know how you are feeling-but I can tell you coming from a home where parents didnt get along and they WERENT married that it does do emotional and un repairable damage to be in a relationship that isnt give and take and compromise. Go to counseling and tell him he HAS to go.

for you!

Kara and Todd Posted: Jul 31, 2007 08:29 AM

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If you really want to give it a shot, YOU need to make the counseling appointment and tell him to show up for it. Don't wait for him to do it.

If you think it's beyond any repair or hope... better to find out sooner than later, as hard as that is.

Good luck to you. I know it's hard, but you are stronger than you will ever know.