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Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...CRAZY UPDATE

Original post by Mmnnng

Ok so here's my quick story...

My FH and I have been together for 7 years (secretly married for 2) and I'm just not sure I can go through with another wedding. He used to be a great man, but he fell into a very lucrative career and money has changed him into something awful. I thought I was overreacting until this weekend when he went away and I had time to think.

He promised me years ago he would adopt my children, but yet whenever its brought up, he ignores me or says he's not ready. He is completely uncapable of displaying emotions. If I am upset and need to talk, he doesn't know how to listen, but rather is tells me how stressed he is about his job and I don't know what stress is.

Pastor April sent me a copy of the ceremony and I was thinking...holy crap its all a lie! It sounds beautiful and wonderful but it isn't true and even though I would like the words to mean something to him, I don't think he is able to comprehend them. He really has no clue how to process emotion. I know it is so late for me to be thinking of this, but I watched my mother suffer in a one sided marriage for years and don't want to end up like her. I thought that when we got married the first time, we would all become a family but I still feel like its me and my children on on side and him on another. I don't know if I can feel like this forever.

I had a convo with him about this many times and he says he'll change, he'll go to speak to someone, but he never follows through and then blames me for it. Says I should've made the appointment or whatever...HELLO?? I am asking you do to this for me. Thats all I ask of him. His only job in life is to go to work, he does nothing around this house or anything like that....he lives on his own schedule, not on our family's.

So the other night we started talking on the phoen about all of this and I tell him that I am not sure about it anymore and blah blah blah....he turns around and blames the fact that I saw my ex at a funeral a few days before!! Wants to know what I said to him, what happend, ect...I was at a freaking funeral not a party! So obviously he has a way of turning everything around on me. So we continue talking and I basically say that I don't know if I can do this anymore and I don't feel fufilled, ect. And he tells me he is in shell shock and can't believe it.....THEN... yesterday his flight was cancelled and the only thing he said all day was how he had to get home to get to the office...not how he needed to come home and talk with me and work things out with me or any thing like that!

I am so hurt and confused and I just needed to write this all down! Thanks ladies! I really had that 'he's gonna change' theory in my head like a fool and I just don't think he can....I dont' know what to do!
Fara Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I agree with what some girls suggested before. Make an appointment with a counselor, even if he doesn't go, go yourself. Hopefully he will see you are serious and start to work on it.

little34 Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I understand what you are going through. My FH use to work at this sales job where he made a ton of money and the money and the people he worked with totally changed him. He broke up for about a year because of how different he was....but eventually got back together after he realized what he was doing.

Maybe if you follow through with breaking up for a bit he will also realize how much he has changed and what he needs to do to be more supportive.

I agree with everyone when they say that you should follow your gut. It is a lot easier now to walk away then after you are legally married. If you are not feeling 100% with him,then you deserve better and don't let the fear of being alone effect your decision. you will find someone who will treat you the way you want to be treated. I think so many of us have this timeline in our heads that we should have a house by this age, or a great job or be married by this age....but life doesn't work that way. make yourself happy. you deserve that and you are the only one who can ensure that you are happy and being treated properly!! Good luck!!
GinaZ Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Im so sorry you are going through this. Maybe try going to see a couples councelor to work through it.
yelley77 Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I give you so much credit for being smart enough and strong enough to not go through with something that is not going to work out. If youhave thought long and hard about this, and it seems to me like you have, then you should follow your heart. Don't worry about what other people are going to say, and how they are going to feel... this is about you and YOUR CHILDREN.

good luck and you always have support here!!!
dgirl0114 Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I know everyone has said this already but follow your heart. It knows the right thing to do. I wish I had listened to mine. I dated my ex for ten years and then we decided to get married. Had a huge expensive wedding and our marriage started falling apart almost immediately. My gut told me not to get married but I thought what about the wedding? And, things will change once we're married? No, they got worse. Long story short; we divorced even though he didn't want to and fate brought me back to the love of my life from fifteen years ago who I am marrying very soon.

I am sending many hugs & prayers your way to help you work this out.
GinaZ Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Posted by misbran

Posted by kittythestray

I know many brides who go through with the wedding because they want a WEDDING... but you need to focus on the MARRIAGE. The wedding is over in a second. You’re really smart to be thinking about this and realizing it now, before it’s ‘too late’. Some women only stay with a guy because they don't want to be single again or think he's good enough...”Oh, I’ll be happy enough… it’s not THAT bad…” I was in that trap with my ex. He was ‘good enough’ and I definitely didn't want to be single. He didn’t treat me BAD, at all, but he didn’t go out of his way for me. It would have been easy if he did, but we didn't fight and we enjoyed each other's company, but I always felt there should have been 'more'. He didn’t want to do things with MY friends and MY family, and he just wasn't 'there' for me, not loving enough… I decided I wanted more than that. Well, we broke up and I was single and it was fun! Then I started dating my DH and he was SO AMAZING. He was SO affectionate and wanted to do everything with me and was just so attentive to me. He walks up and hugs me for no reason, he’ll buy me a shirt because he thought it was ‘me all these ‘little things’. It is AMAZING. I am SO GLAD I didn’t’ stay with ‘good enough’ and now I have PERFECT. I wasn’t ‘young’ when all this happened, either! I was 30 (34 now).


OMG this is so how I feel! I mean he is an awesome financial provider and I kept thinking maybe thats all its about...but I know its not! And I am so scared to start over. But I want someone who thinks I am the best thing is the world and can't wait to see me at the end of the day, I want to feel protected and complete.


I always say trust your gut. But def try again to talk to him first and talking to someone together. And if that doesn't work- then you need to do what makes you happy!!!!
colleen1117 Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...


We've got some smart ladies here- All the best to you. Your heart knows whats right. someone once told me ' we are the only animals on the planet that don't go with their instincts.' follow them - definitely go and speak to someone! it will help you work through the processes of making a decision. Either way - in the end you WILL be ok!

Mmnnng Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Thanks all...

I think some of you missed the part that we are already married (we eloped two years ago without ever being engaged or anything, it was kinda on a whim.)

I understand the councilling theory but I have suggested it so many times and he says ok and then goes on and forgets I was ever upset. I am so scared. I have made all his friends my friends, his family my family, and I honestly can say I will have nothing if this ends. Its the scariest thing I have ever thought of.

I can't stop crying.
SusiBtoM Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Melissa, I am so sorry that you are going thru this. First off, some

You and your husband really need to sit down together and talk with each other, not at each other. He needs to understand your emotions, and how emotionally unstable you are now. He needs to redirect his focus from his work to your lives together. It's not just about him and just about you - it's about both of you together, and how your children factor into your lives together.

Try couples counseling if this approach doesn't work.

I do hope things work out for the best for you. Only you can make the decision that is right for you.
Mmnnng Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I feel like I am losing it.... I don't know what to do anymore. He was raised in an unemotional, unloving household and knows no better and has admitted it is who he is. He doesn't have much desire to change so it seems. Especailly after our talk the other night and then all he could think about was getting back to the office to make $$.

I wanna run away somewhere far with my girls and not have to deal with this.

I am so scared
davenjess Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Posted by misbran

Thanks all...

I think some of you missed the part that we are already married (we eloped two years ago without ever being engaged or anything, it was kinda on a whim.)

I understand the councilling theory but I have suggested it so many times and he says ok and then goes on and forgets I was ever upset. I am so scared. I have made all his friends my friends, his family my family, and I honestly can say I will have nothing if this ends. Its the scariest thing I have ever thought of.

I can't stop crying.


You will not have NOTHING if it ends...you have us here. I know it's just a message board - but I feel like I know some of you girls better than I know my friends who have been around for more than 10 years... I've always felt that relationships formed online are stronger, as you can be honest and true and not be judged - after all - these people don't know you & can only care about you for what you write... We're on call 24/7 and are there if you need us...

I think there's a good chance you are crying because you know it's over...and are mourning the loss. Believe me - the bad relationship I was in - I did the same thing, but I walked away. I was suddenly in NJ with very few real friends of my own and i got through it. You can do it too...

I did see that you are already married...it may be time to seek an end...as a last straw - see how he reacts to it and if he really wants to make this work - he will... If not - walk away and know we are here for you - to hold you up and dry your tears..(jeez - i sound like a hallmark commercial)..
Mmnnng Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Posted by SusiBtoM

Melissa, I am so sorry that you are going thru this. First off, some

You and your husband really need to sit down together and talk with each other, not at each other. He needs to understand your emotions, and how emotionally unstable you are now. He needs to redirect his focus from his work to your lives together. It's not just about him and just about you - it's about both of you together, and how your children factor into your lives together.

Try couples counseling if this approach doesn't work.

I do hope things work out for the best for you. Only you can make the decision that is right for you.


I completely understand what you mean and thanks for the hugs. Brandon doesn't know how not to talk at me or how to discuss things with me. No matter what I say, he has something else to blame it on, like the fact that I saw my ex who I dated 8 years ago at a funeral. He doesn't want to accept responsiblity for my feelings or for his wrongs, just wants them to be turned on me so that as usual I let it go and continue on....
Mmnnng Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I have to clarify that he is not a bad man...he is not abusive or a horrible person, he is who he is and he has been there through a lot with me.

He's just not able to give me what I need.
redvelvet Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

i am sorry to hear news like this... but you are thinking and that's what separates you from a victim. i hope that everything works out for the best. just remember that you have 2 girls that you need to set an example for. stay strong. best wishes.
davenjess Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

Posted by misbran

I have to clarify that he is not a bad man...he is not abusive or a horrible person, he is who he is and he has been there through a lot with me.

He's just not able to give me what I need.


No one is saying he's a bad man - he's just not the right man for you... You just said it perfectly...he's not able to give you what you need...
Kara and Todd Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...



I'm so sorry you're going through this.

You should make that appointment for couples' counseling and see if it will help. In the meantime, don't rush into the wedding if you really aren't sure it's right.

Good luck!
futuremrsGafforio Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you are feeling this way now, another wedding isn't going to change anything. Better to realize it now. I hope everything works out.
Irishny8 Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

my cousin and my friend were both having serious dobuts before their weddings but they went through with it b/c they were too afraid to cancel it and both got divorced. who knows if they had gotten counseling before if things would have been different. I really think you need to work everything out before you walk down that aisle. One day isnt going to make these doubts and fears go away. I wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out. Stay strong and stay focused on whats important.
Mrs.D08 Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I agree with the girls, you should definitely try counseling. Make the appointment, that way he can't blame you. I'll be praying for you and your children. I'm sorry your going through this.
MrsQ-in2007 Posted:

Re: Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...

I am so sorry you are going through this. To be honest, you are already married, he's already failed to stand by his word (about your children, etc) and has admitted that he is who he is. I have a feeling that, like you said, he's just not willing to change. And I think you've already realized that you cannot and do not want to live with someone for the rest of your life who can't give you what you need.

The good thing is that you are working through your thoughts and emotions NOW before you go through with the big wedding. You are already married so a big wedding won't change anything - it might add to the issues, actually (weddings can sometimes make a problem more evident!!!). You need to make the decision that is right for you and your girls. Remember that you are #1 and if you don't look out for yourself, no one will.

I wish you LOTS of luck in all of this. Sending you MANY and know that we are all here for you if you need to talk more about this.

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