Don't know if I wanna go through with this wedding...CRAZY UPDATE

Ok so here's my quick story...

My FH and I have been together for 7 years (secretly married for 2) and I'm just not sure I can go through with another wedding. He used to be a great man, but he fell into a very lucrative career and money has changed him into something awful. I thought I was overreacting until this weekend when he went away and I had time to think.

He promised me years ago he would adopt my children, but yet whenever its brought up, he ignores me or says he's not ready. He is completely uncapable of displaying emotions. If I am upset and need to talk, he doesn't know how to listen, but rather is tells me how stressed he is about his job and I don't know what stress is.

Pastor April sent me a copy of the ceremony and I was thinking...holy crap its all a lie! It sounds beautiful and wonderful but it isn't true and even though I would like the words to mean something to him, I don't think he is able to comprehend them. He really has no clue how to process emotion. I know it is so late for me to be thinking of this, but I watched my mother suffer in a one sided marriage for years and don't want to end up like her. I thought that when we got married the first time, we would all become a family but I still feel like its me and my children on on side and him on another. I don't know if I can feel like this forever.

I had a convo with him about this many times and he says he'll change, he'll go to speak to someone, but he never follows through and then blames me for it. Says I should've made the appointment or whatever...HELLO?? I am asking you do to this for me. Thats all I ask of him. His only job in life is to go to work, he does nothing around this house or anything like that....he lives on his own schedule, not on our family's.

So the other night we started talking on the phoen about all of this and I tell him that I am not sure about it anymore and blah blah blah....he turns around and blames the fact that I saw my ex at a funeral a few days before!! Wants to know what I said to him, what happend, ect...I was at a freaking funeral not a party! So obviously he has a way of turning everything around on me. So we continue talking and I basically say that I don't know if I can do this anymore and I don't feel fufilled, ect. And he tells me he is in shell shock and can't believe it.....THEN... yesterday his flight was cancelled and the only thing he said all day was how he had to get home to get to the office...not how he needed to come home and talk with me and work things out with me or any thing like that!

I am so hurt and confused and I just needed to write this all down! Thanks ladies! I really had that 'he's gonna change' theory in my head like a fool and I just don't think he can....I dont' know what to do!

You know, I look at everyone's beautiful pics and I keep thinking how I'll never get him to be that emotional to have these amazing pics...

Ok now I'm crying, I want him to think wow look how beautiful she is, but I just can't see it, I can't see him thinking these things anymore

Just because you need it

I honestly dont know what to say....so I'm just sending you a few hugs and hoping it all works out for the best....

Wow i really dont know what to say except that I am really sorry that you are going through this. Take some time for yourself and use this to come up with a decision that you will be happy with. Dont make your decision based on one thing think as to the years to come what your life will be like with and without him.

Best of luck in this difficult time.

So sorry you feel this way..... when it comes down to it, you should do what you feel is better for you and your children. Otherwise I am not sure what else to say, but here are some

wow...i am so sorry you are feeling like this...

i believe in trusting your gut feelings...

there are so many layers to this story...i hope everything works out for you both...here are some hugs...

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I would highly recommend that you and FH see a counselor to discuss these issues and hopefully come to a resolution. Best of luck

I have been in your situation... and sometimes I think I still am... and my wedding is less than two weeks away....

I will suggest counselling - not only for the two of you together, but for you, by yourself. I know it helped me... and FH and I as a couple.

I also wonder, you did not say, about how this is effecting your children. FH and I also have kids, two of which are his and he definitely treats them differently then my oldest (who is not his biologically).

I know for me, the breaking point came when I told him it's either counseling, or I am leaving - and he refused to go right away! It took a few weeks before he understood I was serious about leaving.

We still have our moments, but things are better. Should we be getting married? Maybe, maybe not.

I'd reccommend a book to you also: Deal Breakers: When to work on a relatioship and when to walk away by Dr. Bethany Marshall. I am about halfway through it and it has helped me tremendously already.

Good luck and I am here if you need to talk.

~Lyssa~

Wow im so sorry ... Sometimes peoples jobs are the 1st thing they think about no matter what else is going on in there personal Life . Honestly I think you should make an appointment for a couples session and tell him this is the date & time .. See if that works .. again im soo Sorry you have to go threw this..

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was in a terrible relationship prior to meeting my FH & I knew it wasn't okay when I closed my eyes and saw myself as an elderly person & did NOT see him there with me. I have to say to go with your gut on this one...if you truly feel this isn't right...then you have to do what you have to do & let the chips fall where they may.

Pastor April is an AMAZING lady - call her, talk to her about this...she's the perfect third party to talk to...she'll listen and give the best advice she can...

We are here for you no matter which decision you make...

i'm so sorry to hear this, but you really need to follow your heart.

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Posted by kittythestray

I know many brides who go through with the wedding because they want a WEDDING... but you need to focus on the MARRIAGE. The wedding is over in a second. You’re really smart to be thinking about this and realizing it now, before it’s ‘too late’. Some women only stay with a guy because they don't want to be single again or think he's good enough...”Oh, I’ll be happy enough… it’s not THAT bad…” I was in that trap with my ex. He was ‘good enough’ and I definitely didn't want to be single. He didn’t treat me BAD, at all, but he didn’t go out of his way for me. It would have been easy if he did, but we didn't fight and we enjoyed each other's company, but I always felt there should have been 'more'. He didn’t want to do things with MY friends and MY family, and he just wasn't 'there' for me, not loving enough… I decided I wanted more than that. Well, we broke up and I was single and it was fun! Then I started dating my DH and he was SO AMAZING. He was SO affectionate and wanted to do everything with me and was just so attentive to me. He walks up and hugs me for no reason, he’ll buy me a shirt because he thought it was ‘me all these ‘little things’. It is AMAZING. I am SO GLAD I didn’t’ stay with ‘good enough’ and now I have PERFECT. I wasn’t ‘young’ when all this happened, either! I was 30 (34 now).

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OMG this is so how I feel! I mean he is an awesome financial provider and I kept thinking maybe thats all its about...but I know its not! And I am so scared to start over. But I want someone who thinks I am the best thing is the world and can't wait to see me at the end of the day, I want to feel protected and complete.

sorry to hear that you are goin through this

But your gut instincts are usually the right ones....
That's what my mom tells me and she has never been wrong so far!

Thanks for all the hugs ladies, I really need them. I am so lost and sitting here hysterical trying to hide it from my girls.

His flight is being delayed again and its possible it will be cancelled all together and I keep hoping it is so I have more time to sort through this all....

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Posted by misbran

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Posted by kittythestray

I know many brides who go through with the wedding because they want a WEDDING... but you need to focus on the MARRIAGE. The wedding is over in a second. You’re really smart to be thinking about this and realizing it now, before it’s ‘too late’. Some women only stay with a guy because they don't want to be single again or think he's good enough...”Oh, I’ll be happy enough… it’s not THAT bad…” I was in that trap with my ex. He was ‘good enough’ and I definitely didn't want to be single. He didn’t treat me BAD, at all, but he didn’t go out of his way for me. It would have been easy if he did, but we didn't fight and we enjoyed each other's company, but I always felt there should have been 'more'. He didn’t want to do things with MY friends and MY family, and he just wasn't 'there' for me, not loving enough… I decided I wanted more than that. Well, we broke up and I was single and it was fun! Then I started dating my DH and he was SO AMAZING. He was SO affectionate and wanted to do everything with me and was just so attentive to me. He walks up and hugs me for no reason, he’ll buy me a shirt because he thought it was ‘me all these ‘little things’. It is AMAZING. I am SO GLAD I didn’t’ stay with ‘good enough’ and now I have PERFECT. I wasn’t ‘young’ when all this happened, either! I was 30 (34 now).

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OMG this is so how I feel! I mean he is an awesome financial provider and I kept thinking maybe thats all its about...but I know its not! And I am so scared to start over. But I want someone who thinks I am the best thing is the world and can't wait to see me at the end of the day, I want to feel protected and complete.

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If you don't feel complete, I would worry. If you try the therapy route, see how seriously he's taking it. If you have to start over, realize that you are an amazingly strong person for being capable of doing so!!! It takes a lot more nerve to walk away from a bad thing than it does to stay and try to fix something that will never be right.

You said you saw your mother go through this already...try not to duplicate mistakes of the past. Learn from it...

I am sorry that you have to go through this...
You are already married and things haven't changed, going through a big wedding isn't going to change anything either.
To be in a marriage for financial stability is not right. A marriage should be about love, honesty, trust, and so much more.
I suggest counseling as well...

And if it does come to it, people cancel weddings all the time.... but if you already know that things might not work out, it is not fair to yourself or to your guests to go through with the wedding.

I just want you to know I think it take a LOT of strength for you to realize this...
If he isn't willing to work things out with you (without causing a fight) then maybe he'll never change (enough) for you to be together.

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting a person to change. If you need this person to be a certain way for you to be with him, that is NOT unreasonable. Love is a compromise.

FM me, if you ever want to talk.

My FH promised to adopt my son so I understand your feelings there.

HOLD YOUR HEAD UP... You will figure it all out. I promise.