Engaged or not? (with poll)

I say a ring doesnt matter...shell get a ring from him eventually. What matters is If they are both serious about marriage, thats it.

HOWEVER, imo an enagagment becomes more official when they announce that they have a wedding date! I know alot of people who are engaged and have been for a few years now and the girl has a ring but there is no wedding date or talk of a wedding date at all and people start to wonder will they ever really get married. One of my friends said to me when i asked when is your wedding, 'i proposed to her not to get married, but to buy myself more time.' Theyve been engaged for three years. So it really just depends on the couples attitide and devotion in the relationship towards marriage.

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Posted by Autumn08

I'm really disappointed with the results of this poll and its reflection of society in general. Don't get me wrong, I love my ring and what it symbolizes but it is just that, a symbol.

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Me too, I was just about to post something like this. That almost half who responded thing a ring is necessary for an engagement?
What if two people love each other and want to get married but can't afford a ring? Are they not really engaged? Again, I go back to the example of my parents. This is what happened to them. They wanted to get married but my dad could not afford a ring at the time. They went ahead, planned the wedding, and got married. Were they not engaged before gettting married?

Who cares what other people think? If your FH/DH proposed to you without a ring, would you have said 'no, I won't marry you unless you give me a ring?'

The results of this poll, some of the responses on here, and the fact that this topic was even brought up kind of disappoints me.

I mean, she's your bridesmaid, so I assume she's a close friend... Why would you even ask this? She said she's engaged - believe her and be happy for her.

I happen to have a very expensive engagement ring. I'd also marry my FH tomorrow if he couldn't have afforded to buy it for me. It's lovely, but it in NO way defines our relationship.

I hear you girls with being disappointed.... but lets remind ourselves of some of the priorities of contemporary society.... many people have moved on from traditional values and have adopted more materialistic gauges of social status...... I will refrain from judging other's values, becuase each of us has a unique life experience...

I also know what the question is hinting at.... whether the girl is misunderstanding the intentions of her boyfriend, and it was just a theoretical talk about marriage, or whether it was a direct proposal... and to answer that question, you must always trust you're friends judgement on what transpired!

technically he could just go to the flea market and buy her a ring for $5.00. Does that now mean they are engaged because there is a ring?? Is there a difference if the ring is $100 or $15,000? Why does the ring have anything to do with anything? If a couple intends to marry, they can book RH and vendors just the same as a couple with a ring. I dont believe anyone asked me if i had a ring when i put the downpayment on my RH. NO offense, but i find it incredibly ridiculous that people think a ring is required for intention to marry because the cash expense means the guy must
be serious.

As other brides have mentioned, I think that the most significant part of an engagement is how seriously the couple is taking their discussion or proposal about marriage and what steps they are taking to be wed. The ring is not significant.

If they are seeing vendors, have announced it to family and friends, or have set a date and are following up on that date, then that demonstrates that they are engaged to be married.

Like many other brides here, I did not have a ring before DH and I started creating a budget and visiting vendors. But we knew we were going to get married and were planning the wedding because of it. The ring came shortly afterwards, but it was not the cause of us considering ourselves preparing for a wedding and taking steps to plan the wedding.

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Posted by ant n tilde

well it depends -

like if you decide that you dont WANT a ring - and you are NEVER going to get one. . . you can still be engaged if you are planning to get married.

but if you are talking about marriage and you are thinking of getting a ring down the line - i think the ring is the official 'point' of the engagement if that makes sense.

i mean i am not saying it is SOOOO important but i think that for the most part receiving hte ring is when it is made 'official' unless you both come to an agreement that there will be no ring at all.

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i couldnt agree with you more

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Posted by portjeffbride

I hear you girls with being disappointed.... but lets remind ourselves of some of the priorities of contemporary society.... many people have moved on from traditional values and have adopted more materialistic gauges of social status...... I will refrain from judging other's values, becuase each of us has a unique life experience...

I also know what the question is hinting at.... whether the girl is misunderstanding the intentions of her boyfriend, and it was just a theoretical talk about marriage, or whether it was a direct proposal... and to answer that question, you must always trust you're friends judgement on what transpired!

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Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and values - one of the benefits of a free society. At the same time, we're also allowed to disagree and voice our opinions. Yet another benefit.

Those of us who are disappointed by much of this thread are no more judgmental than those who think an engagement ring is absolutely necessary to be engaged.

I am not one who thinks that money is evil or anything like that. Heck, I happen to make a LOT of money... but I get really tired of going to work events where people are more concerned about what car they drive than their child's last baseball game or just about anything else (and I don't even want kids! LOL)... It's disappointing to me, and I understand that many people disagree with me. I love my nice things, too, but they're just that - things. They don't define me or my relationship with my FI.

The ring on my finger is a SYMBOL of our engagement and commitment to one another. It did NOT create that commitment. The commitment would be there with or without the ring.

Personally....if a couple is committed to each other and they want to get married but do not have a ring it doesn't make a difference.

En-gage-ment: defined
n.
1. The act of engaging or the state of being engaged.
2. Betrothal.
3. Something that serves to engage; a pledge.
4. A promise or agreement to be at a particular place at a particular time.
5.
a. Employment, especially for a specified time.
b. A specific, often limited, period of employment.
6. A hostile encounter; a battle.
7. The condition of being in gear.


Technically all the wedding planners that I have state....announce your engagement and if a ring has not been purchased yet pick one out. So according to these wedding planning books it is normal to get engaged and then purchase a ring.

HTH

Unfortunately the ring does tend to be significant in the public eye of engagement.

When FH gave me the ring we were officially engaged in the eyes of friends and family. A few months later, we had a fight and the ring got tossed in the mix (I sort of 'threw it at him', but it was the empty box - still FH felt I threw the ring back at him) and FH held my ring for several months. During that time, HIS family regarded us as no longer engaged... mind you - we still lived together and shared the financial responsibilities of our house that we bought together. My family still considered us engaged, but this could be b/c FH's family regarded FH as 'the victim' and suddenly I wasn't 'good enough' to be part of the family. Once he gave the ring back, then I was in again (well, sort of - if it were up to them I think they'd find someone else for FH). Reality is that when you have the ring that's what sparks the 'congratulations, when are you getting married?' It's kind of the symbol of the engagement. It doesn't even have to be a 'big' ring.

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Posted by nifheim

engaged... i had my ring but it didn't fit and i had to wait a month does that mean i was not engaged for that entire month? NO that is stupid to think that. I know how many people who were 'engaged' for 10 years and never had plans to get married honestly in my mind those people are not engaged they are partners and that is the real title because engaged to me means i plan to marry you with in a reasonable amount of time.

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i think those are the people i am thinking of - and that is what i took the poll to be about really.

I know a couple that has been together for a total of 12 years. He hgave her an engagement ring 6 years ago. They had a daughter 2 years ago. They have no plans to marry. Are they engaged? Who knows?

Personally, since I have been engaged, the focus on the ring has given me anxiety. FH and I got engaged one saturday afternoon in December. By 'getting engaged,' I mean we expressedour overwhelming love for one another and our deep desire to get married. That was the purest moment. We were so excited! Giggling, cuddling, kissing... Then came the ring. Of course he felt pressure to get me a nice ring. He specifically said 'I don't want people talking behind your back about your ring.' I couldn't believe he said that! It illuminated a male perspective that I never even thought of! What pressure! I didn't care about the ring. I just wanted to get married to my love. He bought me the best ring he could afford. Then came all of the questions:

'You're getting married? Congratulations! Where's the ring?'

'How many Carats is it?'

'Where is it from?'

And from another bride at work: 'I know my diamond is GOOD...do you have the paperwork for your diamond?'

'What grade is the diamond?'

And on and on...nobody ever asked about that special moment...that connection...the love...the desire to spend our lifes together...unless you consider people asking 'How did he propose?' under that category.

So, this thread brings up a lot of issues and questions...they're all valid. I just wish we didn't place so much emphasis on the ring- while diamonds are gorgeous and romantic, the entire ring obsession diminishes something so special and intangible into a piece of rock and metal.

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Posted by Snickers76

Then came all of the questions:

'You're getting married? Congratulations! Where's the ring?'

'How many Carats is it?'

'Where is it from?'

And from another bride at work: 'I know my diamond is GOOD...do you have the paperwork for your diamond?'

'What grade is the diamond?'

And on and on...nobody ever asked about that special moment...that connection...the love...the desire to spend our lifes together...unless you consider people asking 'How did he propose?' under that category.

So, this thread brings up a lot of issues and questions...they're all valid.

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that's sooo true... you're engaged! (grab hand / analyze stone) my aunt said 'is that white gold or platinum?' I just looked at her like When I told her, I could tell she was comparing her ring to mine in her head....

and that's what society has come to!

my wedding is in like 6 months and i don't have a ring yet either! My fiance lost his job and was without one for 3 months and that messed his money situation. I definately know he has the ring it's coming. I feel like i waited for so long 2 get that im scared i won't feel special or even suprised when he gives it to me. Alot of people has asked me why i don't have a ring yet it's very annoying to have 2 explain things 2 them b/c most people won't understand.
So i am still wainting for the ring. Moral of the story you don't need a ring to be engaged it's just the pressure of american society that makes you feel so bad that u don't have one.

i am so sorry that all of you girls see rings as some horrible materialistic symbol

i see it as the biggest purchase FH has ever made ( he has only had beat up hand me down cars so literally the biggest purchase) he went to the store and actually picked something out that he thought i would like for the rest of my life.

then he planned how to give it to me - and everything went perfectly

when he proposed to me i didnt even look at it - HE was the one who jsut kept saying 'do you like it, do you like it?'

Yes, everyone grabbed my hand when i told them i was engaged - but only bc they knew i had been waiting eight years for it. For a few nights after we got engaged i slept with a small light on so i could look at it if i woke up in the middle of the night - it was a symbol that i was ENGAGED! i still make the sunlight hit it a certain way to make it sparkle.

i am not going to pretend like i am ashamed of it or something lol if he had proposed without a ring - in our current situation, i would have been disappointed bc i know that he could afford SOMETHING (regardless of value) to give me. . .

anyway - yeah i know that it is just an object. . . but it is a symbol of the moment he asked me to be his wife, everywhere i go - strangers know that i am in love and about to get married. i dont see it as some condemnation of society as a whole. if i did i wouldnt wear it! I am NOT saying that girls that dont have rings arent engaged or should be ashamed or anything like that AT ALL i am just expressing what i think about MY ring.

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Posted by ant n tilde

i am so sorry that all of you girls see rings as some horrible materialistic symbol

i see it as the biggest purchase FH has ever made ( he has only had beat up hand me down cars so literally the biggest purchase) he went to the store and actually picked something out that he thought i would like for the rest of my life.

then he planned how to give it to me - and everything went perfectly

when he proposed to me i didnt even look at it - HE was the one who jsut kept saying 'do you like it, do you like it?'

Yes, everyone grabbed my hand when i told them i was engaged - but only bc they knew i had been waiting eight years for it. For a few nights after we got engaged i slept with a small light on so i could look at it if i woke up in the middle of the night - it was a symbol that i was ENGAGED! i still make the sunlight hit it a certain way to make it sparkle.

i am not going to pretend like i am ashamed of it or something lol if he had proposed without a ring - in our current situation, i would have been disappointed bc i know that he could afford SOMETHING (regardless of value) to give me. . .

anyway - yeah i know that it is just an object. . . but it is a symbol of the moment he asked me to be his wife, everywhere i go - strangers know that i am in love and about to get married. i dont see it as some condemnation of society as a whole. if i did i wouldnt wear it! I am NOT saying that girls that dont have rings arent engaged or should be ashamed or anything like that AT ALL i am just expressing what i think about MY ring.

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I agree!!!