I have a sort of question/vent for you. FH and I are mostly paying for our wedding...my parents are paying for the rest. With that being said, FH and I both still live at home (thank god for financial reasons) and we are both putting any extra money we have and our paychecks into this wedding. Also, as you might know from some of my pasts posts - FH is away for a month at a time with his job - so we don't see each other that much. Well, I think everything has taken it's toll on each of us - the fact that we are pinching and saving every penny for the wedding, and the fact that he is away more than he is home. It has started to create a little stress because we hardly talk (due to the fact that because of his job and being away, we are on total opposite schedules - not because we dont want to talk to each other), and when we finally do talk, it's always about money and how we are are paying for things and what is going on for the E-Party (in a month). It's just very frusterating because when we do talk its always only about money/plans/etc for the wedding...because thats all we have time to talk about. Are any of you ladies noticing that the stress of wedding planning has created some stress between you and FH? I am not saying it is causing serious problems between FH and I, as we still love each other so much and we can't wait to marry each other... I don't know, I guess I am just venting because it gets overwhelming at times because I feel like I am doing everything on my own. When FH is home, he is a saint and more then helpful though. Thank god FH comes home in about a week and a half...then we have a much needed vacation with his family down in the Caribbean. We have both agreed to not talk about the wedding while away....
Has any of your relationships between you and FH changed since you have gotten engaged? Ours definitely has in so many extremely wonderful ways, but this is the one negative side of it (as stated above)....
Sorry this is kinda long, and thanks for listening.
KRISTIND
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yes when we first got engaged i felt like we were business partners......
AdriandSteve
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I'm so glad to hear that you guys are going on vaca and already agreed not to talk about wedding plans. I'm sure that it'll def help A LOT.
FH and i haven't really had any stresses regarding our wedding... yet.
Maybe if it's possible, when he is away set aside at least 1 day a week when you don't talk about wedding stuff.
It might also get easier after your e-party.
MayBride2010
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Thanks ladies. Yeah - that is what I am thinking, hopefully it will get a lot easier after the E-party!
LuvMyHunk
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At first when we got engaged it was all about saving money and he began questioning 'unnecessary' purchases that i was making. I talked to him and said that i didn't want finances to be an issue now because then it will always be an issue in our relationship. So we have decided to just make the agreed upon monthly contribution into our personal online savings account for the wedding. The rest of my money is for personal expenses but i know that i need to be mindful before i spend. Weddings are expensive and its bound to cause some issues and frustrations but you need to talk about how you are going to deal with it because the money situation is only going to be more complicated once your married.
mrsdraskin2009
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It created a lot of tension in the beginning but then we kinda backed off...let things flow...and now we're sooo on the same page and everything is going really great. I know now that I can't talk to FH about wedding plans/money EVERY SINGLE DAY because he'd go nuts. So I mention things casually or wait till the right time and it works much better. I also make decisions without his input because he trusts me implicitly and I would do something he didn't like. He's not super hands-on, and he likes it that way and I do too, except sometimes
Maybe you guys should try taking a break from wedding/money talk for a few days so try to alleviate some stress
drivwal
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Re: Engagement Relationship Vent/Question
i haven't experienced anything like that with FH. we are keeping our wedding on a tight budget (i will do without certain luxuries ) and we communicate often about other things. the difference is, my FH is home while yours is away so i cannot really relate to your situation. i say, give it time, you won't always be planning a wedding and things will look up for you soon! you have a Caribbean vacation coming up???? woohooo have some fun in the sun!
Kiki1103
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I don't think you are alone in this. I agree with others, I have found that not talking about the wedding as much definitely alleviates the stress. I know when I first got engaged it was all we spoke about and we started fighting because he just could not constantly hear about weddings all the time. I had to really back off the topic. I think things will gradually improve if you take a day or 2 off a week from the wedding talk! Hopefully after the eparty things will also calm down.
laurenandmike618
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Fortunately, my parents are paying for the entire wedding, so these kinds of problems are obsolete for FH and me. However, if he and I were paying for the wedding, I can totally see why there would be stress and tension.
I think one thing to do is take one day out of each week where you do not discuss anything having to do with finances or the wedding. Just talk about how much you love him and miss him, and that you can't wait to be with him more once you are married. And talk about how great he is and what a wonderful pair you two make, and ask how his week was (or even how his day was). It may sound silly, but I think it would be impt for you two to talk about this ahead of time and designate one day per week reserved for you and FH to not discuss anything pertaining to the wedding or finances. As much as it feels like these things must be discussed every single day, I'm sure that for the most part that's true, but one day per week without discussing those things will not hurt in the long run.
And that's so awesome that you are going on vacation. i think that that will help a lot of things! Although, instead of not talking about the wedding at all (as if it's a bad thing), why don't you just talk about how beautiful you're wedding will be, without getting into any finances or any other details? You definitely want to keep the wedding itself in a positive light, instead of it being a negative thing in your lives. So maybe on vaca, you can talk about how you are so looking forward to officially committing yourselves to each other and becoming husband and wife (instead of discussing the reception, which is the most stressful area bc of the costs). HTH
FutureMrsSoltan
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When we first got engaged it was all great stuff ...... then it changed. All we did was talking about how much money everything was going to cost and how we would save and afford it. It got so stressful we were lashing out at each other. But now we have learned to not stress the small things and if we cant afford it than we dont get it.
MayBride2010
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Thanks Ladies - I really do appreciate your words of wisdom and input. I know 'what doesnt kill us will make us stronger' and we have both said that we are in this together and we both know it is going to be stressful and trying for the next year - but we havent forgotten how wonderful the end result will be (that we will be husband and wife). Also, I agree, on the vacation we should talk about how beautiful and wonderful the wedding will be - but not talk about the finances.... I guess the bottom line is that I really miss him.
MrsCM
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We did nearly the same exact thing as you!
Right after getting engaged FH went on a 5 day business trip and I stayed home doing everything wedding to keep busy, all of a sudden we felt like all of our time was consumed talking about wedding things and looking at RH, calling vendors, etc. So we booked a Bahamas cruise over Spring Break and pretended it was our honeymoon and it was all over and did not plan one bit and it was exactly what we needed!
I'm sure your vacation will help you feel better! I've found that sometimes you just have to push it all aside and focus on the man you love not the event :)
MarjorieFrank
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We have had similar stress and tension in our relationship for awhile. It is such a hard thing because financial problems will always be there. We both work so hard and it never seems enough so it's so tough.
I have always been a crazy saver my entire life. I have been saving since my first job when I was sixteen for exactly this, my wedding and my house. FH wasn't a saver when we first started dating and I annoyed him to no end. I hated when he bought large purchases like a camera or a laptop, because I literally never buy myself anything. He saves now every cent but it hasn't affected our relationship too much after we got engaged because I had been like that prior and he is used to it now. It is very tough though because we don't do anything together, we never go out to dinner or to the movies or anything because it costs too much money so that adds tension. I feel like this will never go away unless we move out of state... it s u c ks.
Good Luck to you! With time, I think the tension and stress will ease. Enjoy your vacation!
Its2Snappy
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Actually I have found that our biggest issues don't have so much to do with the wedding but with the marriage. All of the big questions start to arise like where will we live, will we have kids, if kids then when, how do we merge our finances, whose families do we visit on holidays, etc etc etc. Those issues cause me far more stress, even though I know they'll all work out, then the wedding.
Clover23
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We have defintely had our fair share of stress since the engagement. Between my obsession over planning, trying to be frugal in our spending (to pay off student loan debt so we can actually use wedding money towards a house... or a half of a house... or a room in a house lol), him being afraid he'll never be allowed to play video games again... it really adds up.
I've learned to only talk to him about wedding stuff at select times, and not bug him with decisions about things he won't care about. I've learned to make sure he has time to play his video games. And I've learned to be more tactful about questioning his spending habits. We've also switched credit card balances to cards with 0% interest, and promised not to use them for random purchases 'just because'. All of these things have helped ease the tension a lot.
Also, and this goes for anyone who is experiencing money issues and feeling like they can't do things with FH like go out to dinner, etc.... We have this problem too, and one thing we've done is be a little more creative. For example, a couple of weeks ago we wanted to get out of the house - we wound up taking a leisurely walk to baskin robbins at like 9 pm on a saturday night. It may not sound like much, but it was actually a lot of fun... and much cheaper than going out to dinner!
Anyway this was long sorry! I hope something I wrote is helpful to someone out there!!!
to the OP - enjoy every second of your vaca!!!
MayBride2010
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Thanks again - you ladies are great and have wonderful advice!
MrsList
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When DH and I first got engaged, we set up a monthly contribution from each of our accounts and put it into a joint savings account and that's what we used for the wedding. We never really had any money stresses because of that. If it's an automatic thing, almost like paying a bill, then you don't even have to think or talk about it. If it's stressing you out, then maybe you're pinching your pennies TOO much. Saving is really important but if it prevents you from living life and having fun, it's not worth the 5 hours of your wedding IMO.
JAAMS
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In general, FH & I tend not to fight. Not that we agree on anything or anything like that AT ALL. But we've never had a screaming match, and we 're both pretty chill and don't really believe in yelling as a method of fighting.
Anyway, when we first got engaged and were making a guest list, we got in a fight about the DUMBEST THING EVER. Like I was basically crying. And we were both like ***? This is stupid. Why are we fighting? And we were both like 'Sorry for being mean!' and that was it.
Just try and remember that this is a HAPPY thing, and that you have to work to put it together, but it doesn't need to be super tense. It should be fun.
RitasEngaged
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Sorry you are going throught this
Thankfully FH and I have been fine, no fights or anything, knock on wood
Dr White
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I can definitely sympathize with you. We have definitely been fighting more about money and the saddest thing is we are not over budget! He just wants us to be below budget and that gets annoying because if u give me a budget then let me work within those parameters.Plus the fact we are in such demanding fields - he is an attorney. I can't wait until this is over. Ok it's not that bad but as u can see u r not alone in this.
