So my family and FH have had their last fight. My parents say, him or us. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so upset right now. We have tried everything to fix the mess that we are in now. Please don't ask about all the details - its too hard to talk about.
Edit: FH and I have been together almost six years now. In the past, FH cheated on me 2 years ago and we broke apart but our feelings never changed. We decided to try it again and went through couseling and such. Everything was going so well and even my family finally accepted him and noticed how much he has changed for the better. He is a very loving kind and sweet man who is trying to make up for the mistake he made in the past. I've been able to move on but my family has not.
Last week my sister came to visit me and left early without an explanation. She says that FH looked at her and a friend pervertedly. Out of 5 witnesses that were there that night, no one noticed anything but them. My family has of course taken my sisters word even though my FH says he didn't do anything.
My FH wrote a a letter and called my sister to give an apology for the misunderstanding, but she has not acknowledged anything.
My family and my sister now gave me the ultimatum.
Though most people would probably pick their family in this situation, I truly believe that he didn't do anything as I was there the entire time and was a witness myself. I am so upset I don't even have the words to describe it.
MrsSoto
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
Im sorry. I know you said you dont want to go into the details so I will just send my prayers your way that you will figure out what the right thing to do for you is.
MrsList
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
Without hearing details, it's hard to say whether you should take the side of FH or family. It depends on who was wrong, rude, inappropriate, irrational, inflexible, etc. Is your relationship with FH happy? Is your relationship with your parents/siblings happy? Who will be there for you always, FH or your parents? Do you friends like FH too or are they lukewarm about him? If you were in the same situation as friends of ours, where the in-laws are horrible people, I would say go with FH for sure. But if you were in the same situation as ANOTHER friend, I would say go with family because it was the fiance that was the horrible person.
Sometimes when you answer those questions and others like them, the answer will be obvious. I hope you're able to work it out so you don't have to make that choice. Maybe you could see a counselor to help you get through it.
Cacarina
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
Sorry you are going through this. Since I don't know the details, I really cannot give you sound advice, therefore I will not vote on this one. I just hope that you make the right decision for you...go with your heart.
Soon2bMrsH
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
its hard to make that decision with out hearing any details of how it came to this. can this ever be resolved? can your family ever accept him? Did FH do anything wrong? like is he at fault? or does your family just hate him?
if it were me (I mean depending on the situation...) i would choose FH- but again depending on the situation. like if FH ever did something to my family that i could never forgive him for, and because of that my feelings for him changed, i would choose my family.
thats a crazy decision you have to make. i hope everything works out for you! and i hope that if you choose your FH that your family and him get along!!!!
leeserd
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
It depends on what the issues are. If your family, who loves you, is pointing out factual and substantive problems with FH like he won't/can't hold down a job, drinking or drug use, chronic cheating, beating, lying, isn't treating you right then side with your family because they only want what is best for you but if it's something like they don't like his nationality, he's not the same religion, or vague accusations of 'we just don't like him', then side with FH.
Juhgail
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
I find that a lot of times there are bad things like this happeneing its the family that does not want to let the child go. And in not letting the child go they do everything to sabatoge the future.
So we dont know the details and you dont want to discuss it. FAIR ENOUGH!!!
1. I can understand if he hit you/abused you. If that were the case and you were my sister I would do everything in my power to break you up.
2. But im sure its not that.
So what do you do. You need to think about your future and your happiness. Its an impossable decision that we really cant help you with. But if he is a GOOD man, provides for you, loves you, nurtures you, is your partner and best friend....then if you can get past all this craziness you have a beautiful future together.
I think you need to go and get some professional help to help you sort this out. Go to a priest/Rabbi. Ask your doctor to reccomend a therapist. You need to talk to someone who can REALLY help you.
I wish you all the best!
mokie74m
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
I agree with the other ladies that It is hard to help you decide without more details. However, I think this is a decision that only you can make regardless of what we say. You know FH and your family and the situation so only you know what is right for you. I don't think its fair that either FH or your family would make you choose, but then again I don't really know the situation. Do you think giving your family time might make them come around to accept FH? I'm sorry you have to go through this at a time when you are supposed to be celebrating and coming together as one.
stinenandy2010
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
Wow, thats a hard one and like the other girls said without knowing details, no one can give you their advice.
All I can say is if my parents were trying to break up my FH and I, there is probably a very good reason. I think you should get away from your parents and FH for a few days and really think things out b4 making a decision
Lsorrent
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
Like everyone else, I can't really help you with this. But the little bit of insight I have is this:
My family HATED my ex-boyfriend. They tried everything in the world to break us up, but none of it worked. One day, however, I was finally done with his garbage. It wasn't until after the fact that I finally saw what my family was trying to show me all along. So as much as we hate to admit it, sometimes our parents really do know best.
Now with that said, my ex did a lot of really stupid stuff and my parents had legit reasons for not liking him.
But only you know your situation and only you can make this decision.
Hope you can work though it, even if it takes some extra help from other people.
MrsCM
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
I agree with everyone else, it's hard to say but we all respect your privacy. However, I am always more inclined to choose the side that is not making me choose.
geegee827
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
It is unfair for either your family or him to ask you to 'choose.' The only way a relationship will survive is if both parties accept one another and their families. He doesn't have to love your family - the don't have to love him - but they are both supposed to love YOU. Making you choose is not showing love for you.
I would go see a couples counselor. You need to work this issue out BEFORE you get married or your relationship is doomed (regardless of who you 'choose').
I am sorry you have to go through this.
EastSideBride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
I have often found in my life that when I have to make a major decision, the right choice is often the hardest choice to make. Doing the what I knew was right always took more effort and involved more confrontation (which I hate) but ultimately, once the dust settled, it was worth it. I wish you all the best
StaceYums81
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
I hope it all works out - only you know deep down what the right thing to do is
jme78
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
I can see both sides... As someone who has been cheated on in the past, I just don't know if my parents would have ever forgiven my ex if we had gotten back together after the cheating.
You often hear people saying 'once a cheater always a cheater', and I don't agree with that - I am just saying that A LOT of people feel that way - so I can see where your parents may just being protective of you.
sorry you are going through this, and I hope that you can come to see what the right path for you is.
eternitybride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
I can also see both sides.
I know its hard, but the best thing is to listen to what would make you happy.
You are the one who would live with him and be with him all the time, not your family. Honestly, i would be mad at my family if they tried pulling this. I do not know your family dynamic, but if you chose them over your FH, knowing you love him, knowing that you have worked through the issue in the past, would they then try to exert control like this over any future relationship you would have?
On the other hand, I have seen both sides to the cheating situation. I know one where the guy did it again several years later, but he never went to counseling or really committed. Another has been with his wife for 5 years after the counseling and working together and they are stronger than ever.
Looking at it from the outside, and your explanation of what happened, I would be mad at your family for putting you in this position.
Honestly, we can sit here and say what we would do, what we would think, but what is the right decision to us may not be the right decision to you. Take all the advice and see which sounds the best to you, but think hard within yourself, if you took FH back after what had happened and committed to working through it, to me it seem that you made your decision then.
Is it a situation where you can wait a few days for people to calm down and then go back and discuss it?
Nichole2010
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
In my opinion, you sister is probably just trying to cause problems. Honestly, he looked at her 'prevertedly'?? ask her to demonstrate it! and no one else noticed?! hmm sounds a little suspicious to me...
and if you family is trying to make you choose over something like that then they are being ridiculous and totally unfair!!! FH made a mistake one time in the past..A MISTAKE...doesnt mean he's going to do it again...everyone makes mistakes..its life..no one seems to realize that..
MNM91710
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
We cant tell you what to do, but i can tell you what happened to me...
I was with my ex for 4 years, had house, dogs, cars, bills everything like we were married. I thought we were fine, my parents from the beginning were not too fond, but i was happy so they kept their mouth shut... To make long story short, he cheated, i left and went back and left and went back, finally i didnt know what to do cause i knew he wanted me to come back and was telling me he was ready to marry me... My father took me out to dinner and had a long talk, and he told me flat out if i go back to him (knowing he was going to propose to get me back) that my father couldn’t and wouldn’t be a part of it, and watch me get hurt again. My father and i are BEST friends and as much as i wanted to go back, i didn’t i listened to my dad. THANK GOD i did, cause i would have never met the man of my dreams and experience true happiness.. Later I found out that my ex still had a different gf at the same time of all of that was going on too.. but you have make the decision on your own, but parents usually know best.... good luck
little j
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
omg. im so sorry you are goign through this!!!!
but you need to do what is best for you...live life without regrets.
it sounds like your fam is just tryin to protect you...they would rather see you sad now then get hurt later on....im sorry that they put it to you in an ultimatum tho
i dont know your family dynamics, but as long as FH is good and keeps trying to prove himself, i think your family will come around. they are your family!!!
but only you would know best about how serious they are...and what is best for you....
have you told your fam how upset this makes you? can your FH talkk to your mom or something?
im sorry you are so sad at what should be a very happy time
MrsCM
Posted:
Member since
Re: Extrememly Heartbroken
If it was me, I would side with FH. Your sister may just dislike him and doesn't want to see you get married, she may be blowing things out of proportion and only YOU know what is right and if you think he has changed. You've been to couples therapy and if he didn't care he wouldn't have gone and you wouldn't have come this far. I'd side with FH hands down because you really don't know that he did or didn't do it and even if he did look at her perverted or whatever it's not up to your family to decide!
