Brides Helping Brides ™ - family troubles...

Scarpak Posted: May 01, 2009 05:56 PM

family troubles...

So FH and i have been engaged for a year. We got engaged april of 2008. In feb of 2009 my older cousin also got engaged, (she is my MOH). I went to her house to congratulate her, and she was not very nice. kind of b itchy actually. Then she sets a date of the week before my wedding. She tells me i am older then you, and i do not care if it is the day before yours, but i WILL get married before you. so obviously my feelings were hurt. She then for reasons unknown (probably someone telling her how stupid she was acting) she switched her wedding to the month before mine. This is obviously better. but she is stealing ALL of my ideas. When i first got engaged we were shopping and i saw cute little cookies in the shape of dresses, and a poem and i was like THATS how im going to ask my bridesmaids. I had plans to ask them April of this year. Two days after she gets engaged she hands out the cookies i had picked out and the poem i had picked out to all of us girls (im a BM). I was FURIOUS. now i feel like im not sharing my wedding with her like i should be, because im afraid everyone will just think i copied her wedding since she takes all of my ideas. I kind of want to demote her. any advice? Sorry for the rant.

ETA: my entire family is much more excited about her wedding then they are mine, and i will admit that i am jealous. even my mother is more into my MOHs wedding then she is mine.

MikesBride2B Posted: May 01, 2009 06:13 PM

Re: family troubles...

Honestly...yeah, I'd ask her to not be in the wedding party. I might not be a jerk about it, but I'd say something like 'I don't want their to be stress for either of us, your wedding is so close that you'll probably want to focus on it more than mine and really I think that a month before my wedding is too close for me to be your BM as well'

What a stupid b!tch....FH's sister was the same way btw, she flipped when we got engaged after her and told us it wasn't 'proper etiquitte' for us to get married before her (she's older than him). But she has been engaged since Jan and STILL hasn't picked a date, so we just picked one and she can deal with it.

Sorry you are going through this...I think you need to remove her from so close to your wedding or you won't feel good about any of it.

Scarpak Posted: May 01, 2009 06:16 PM

Re: family troubles...

My daughter is also her FG, and she was like i was not even going to ask her to be a FG. It didnt even occur to me to ask her blah blah blah after she asked me if my daughter could be her FG. Why bother asking? and then I was the rude one for saying i needed to think about it/. Just shoot me now...

rae234 Posted: May 01, 2009 06:17 PM

Re: family troubles...

I am so sorry you have to be dealing with this kind of an issue. Wow...I don't even know how to respond to this....I would probably kick her a**...but I really think you need to have a talk with her. First of all explain to her that she is acting like a child and that she is suppposed to be helping you not stealing your ideas(don't actually say stealing). I would personally kick her out but I am sure that would start a family problem. Tell her how you are feeling and if that does not work...then don't tell her anything that you are doing. As far as your family is concerned...I think you need to sit down with your mom too.

Scarpak Posted: May 01, 2009 06:20 PM

Re: family troubles...

Let me also add the she found out she has melanoma in January. I understand that her life is in turmoil. And maybe that is why my family is all obsessed with her wedding. but it HURTS,

Tori2082 Posted: May 01, 2009 06:24 PM

Re: family troubles...

Sorry you're going through this Every bride deserves to be the center of attention. I would definitely hold back from sharing your wedding ideas with her. I also would try talking to her about your feelings, especially if you'll keep her as your MOH. You don't want there to be any hidden resentment or tension that's going to take away from your wedding happiness.

Best of luck!!!!!!

Scarpak Posted: May 01, 2009 06:58 PM

Re: family troubles...

i spoke to my mom and she says i am being petty. that i should understand that my moh is going through a rough time. and i do understand that. but i also understand that she will be fine, and i dont see why she should get away with everything.

RockysGirl Posted: May 01, 2009 07:19 PM

Re: family troubles...

what an icky situation. Seriously. I don't see what AGE has to do with order of weddings. That's just odd for her to say that, and it almost makes it seem as though her sole reason for getting engaged was to beat you to it.

I'm one of the youngest of all my cousins and of them all, there are still 5 more who are still single & were apart of my wedding and never made an issue of it. Their comments were more like 'I feel like crying, partly because I'm so happy for you, and partly because I'm older and still single'. lol. But there was never a single moment of jealousy.

I think if i were you - I wouldn't have her in the bridal party at all. She really doesn't seem to be a nice person or care about your feelings whatsoever. That's definitely not the description of a MOH, let alone even somebody a part of the BP.

I hope things work out. So sorry to hear about this. Seriously crappy situation

Juhgail Posted: May 01, 2009 08:23 PM

Re: family troubles...

Here;s the thing, and I want you to read this.

I used to be the kind of girl that could not say no. I hated confrontation. I would have rather ignored it and hoped it just went away then having to deal with things.

Then I got some balls :)

A friend who is a motivational speaker gave me some amazing advice, and it took me a little yime to REALLY get it. But now that I got it, I LIVE by it.

Basically I put OTHER peoples emotions and well being BEFORE mine. Here you are worrying about firing her. You are going to a message board and talking about it. You are mad and frustrated (RIGHTLY SO by the way). But she is fat and happy at home laugihg that she is one upping you on everything. She could NOT CARE LESS what you think.

But you sure as hell worry about what she thinks right?

SO :)

I want you to think about whats right for YOU. She is being a *****. You should have NO remorse in kicking her *** to the curb!!!! SHE does not care that she is hurting you!!

Honestly. I have learned that I CAN confront people in an adult way. I can keep my dignity and respect for myslef and face difficult situations with class.

You CAN confront her in a adult way. Yes, she might yell, or scream. She might laugh at you. But by NOT confronting her you are putting her emotional well being AHEAD of your.

I say that you can fire her and keep your dignity. You can confront her and be ok with whatever happens (yelling, crying, laughing etc) You can decide to put YOU and YOUR feelings ahead of hers.

You are amazing and I say dont take any crap anymore!!!!!!

springsandra Posted: May 01, 2009 08:31 PM

Re: family troubles...

I'm sure you have your reasons for waiting 3 years before you get married from when you got engaged, but is there any way you could maybe move your wedding up to... well, much sooner?

My step-sister got engaged last year. She's 3 years younger than I am. They're not getting married until 2011 because her FH is doing his doctorate and they just can't concentrate enough or save enough money while that's going on to have a wedding.

I'm a few years older than she is and I got engaged in January. We're getting married this July because my FH lives in NC and I never see him. I promised to move there once we're married, so a 6 month engagement seemed right for us.

It sounds like this is very important to you that you get married before your cousin, if anything so she doesn't steal your thunder. Perhaps you should think about a shorter timeline, if that's at all possible? Spending the next 2 years upset about a competition with your cousin over a day that should be extremely special to you and your FH sounds miserable.

That being said, she sounds like an incredibly selfish person if she really is acting the way you describe. If my best friend or MOH was getting married around the same time as me, I think we'd plan together and help each other out and make it a really fun team experience. Almost like getting to have TWO weddings each, which sounds like super fun! Maybe you and she can come around to that place if you can't find any other options.

Scarpak Posted: May 01, 2009 09:42 PM

Re: family troubles...

I dont care that she is getting married before me, i care that she is being so shady about everything.
I was originally getting married in january of 2010, but my parents 25th anniversary is this october, and i am throwing a huge party for them, and i simply can not afford both. I really want a winter wedding and thats the only time that really worked. In the beginning she was talking like we were really going to just plan both together. I wasnt mad then. But she started standing me up at bridal shows and the like. I called her after one bridal show and told her about one coming up in the city and she was like well if you didnt notice by me not showing up toniht, im not there yet. but when i am, MAYBE ill let you know. Shes just nasty lately, and i feel bad and dont want to cause tons of problems.

MrsList Posted: May 01, 2009 10:21 PM

Re: family troubles...

With her obvious personality disorder, chances are her FH will dump her or leave her at the altar in the next 2 years. She may have even bullied him into proposing so she could get married before you. She's probably insecure and jealous.

I say start playing dirty. Start coming up with the craziest stuff and telling her you're doing it. Then when she does it/orders it before you, she'll look like an a$$ and you can actually pick something classy.

Scarpak Posted: May 01, 2009 10:31 PM

Re: family troubles...

they have been together for 5 years. he knows every aspect of her psychosis. I dont want her to have a bad wedding. i just want her to have a wedding that isnt mine.

MrsList Posted: May 01, 2009 10:38 PM

Re: family troubles...

Posted by Scarpak

they have been together for 5 years. he knows every aspect of her psychosis. I dont want her to have a bad wedding. i just want her to have a wedding that isnt mine.

Hmm...well good for you for not being vindictive!

I wonder what would happen if you said you were changing your wedding to earlier (even though you obviously have no intentions of doing so)? Do you think she would change too just to be spiteful? If you start planting that seed in her head, maybe she'll get distracted. See, I actually AM vindictive so I would actually enjoy seeing her freak out. I know... I'm a horrible person but crazy self-centered people deserve it.

Obviously she can't be reasoned with and it doesn't seem like your family can either so all you can do is distract her and plan your wedding the way you want it and do it under wraps. But seriously, you can still send her in a different direction by telling her your 'ideas' (which are the opposite of yours) and then going with something completely different.

Scarpak Posted: May 01, 2009 10:43 PM

Re: family troubles...

Im honestly not sure if she would change her date too. Probably she would. She has it in her head that she needs to be married first I just wish i knew all of this before i asked her to be my MOH. I cant share anything with her for fear of her stealing my ideas.

NikkiR515 Posted: May 01, 2009 10:57 PM

Re: family troubles...

Can you just come out and ask her what the deal is? Not in a mean, confrontational way but in a sincere, heartfelt way? If you said 'listen my feelings are really hurt and here is why....' How do you think she would respond? I really think in case like this that is the best way to handle it.. If she is nasty in her response to you then you have further proof that she is someone who does not deserve to be in your bridal party! HTH!

Scarpak Posted: May 01, 2009 10:58 PM

Re: family troubles...

Posted by NikkiR515

Can you just come out and ask her what the deal is? Not in a mean, confrontational way but in a sincere, heartfelt way? If you said 'listen my feelings are really hurt and here is why....' How do you think she would respond? I really think in case like this that is the best way to handle it.. If she is nasty in her response to you then you have further proof that she is someone who does not deserve to be in your bridal party! HTH!

I honestly believe that she is so self absorbed that no matter how i say it she will take offense. then she will talk about me behind my back and have my whole family against me.

springsandra Posted: May 01, 2009 11:19 PM

Re: family troubles...

It definitely sounds like if things continue down the path they're on, you'll be rethinking your bridal party.

This should be a joyous and fun experience for you. Your tastes may change anything, and all these ideas you've had could become passe' and you'll be glad you're going with something fresh when it starts getting closer to your wedding.

Sorry she's being so nasty. You just can't choose your family, even though sometimes you wish you could.

soontobemrsag Posted: May 01, 2009 11:34 PM

Re: family troubles...

Posted by Juhgail

Here;s the thing, and I want you to read this.

I used to be the kind of girl that could not say no. I hated confrontation. I would have rather ignored it and hoped it just went away then having to deal with things.

Then I got some balls :)

A friend who is a motivational speaker gave me some amazing advice, and it took me a little yime to REALLY get it. But now that I got it, I LIVE by it.

Basically I put OTHER peoples emotions and well being BEFORE mine. Here you are worrying about firing her. You are going to a message board and talking about it. You are mad and frustrated (RIGHTLY SO by the way). But she is fat and happy at home laugihg that she is one upping you on everything. She could NOT CARE LESS what you think.

But you sure as hell worry about what she thinks right?

SO :)

I want you to think about whats right for YOU. She is being a *****. You should have NO remorse in kicking her *** to the curb!!!! SHE does not care that she is hurting you!!

Honestly. I have learned that I CAN confront people in an adult way. I can keep my dignity and respect for myslef and face difficult situations with class.

You CAN confront her in a adult way. Yes, she might yell, or scream. She might laugh at you. But by NOT confronting her you are putting her emotional well being AHEAD of your.

I say that you can fire her and keep your dignity. You can confront her and be ok with whatever happens (yelling, crying, laughing etc) You can decide to put YOU and YOUR feelings ahead of hers.

You are amazing and I say dont take any crap anymore!!!!!!

Ok i actually agree with this - & if i were you i would move your wedding to the month before hers and say that CH made a mistake and double booked so you had to move it up BOOYAA!!!!!