Feel so terrible and upset and sad and mad and just ugh (this is a long one...and a doozy)

Ok, here goes the story: (long and complicated so bear with me)

So this morning I got home from my session with my trainer, FH was on his way out. I get inside and check my computer as it was updating/restarting. Well when it restarted it opened everything that had been updated including IChat. I havent used ichat in literally 2 years since I got gmail/gchat, and I guess at that time the last person to log in was FH (later realized he must have been using my computer when we were in Toronto for Thanksgiving 2008 - had been dating about 4.5 months at that point)

any ways his ichat is open and there's a message open from Nov. 2008 (i guess it had been sent right when he logged off) from a girl that says 'we need to finish our convo'. OK so I see this and obviously am a bit freaked out. So I snoop. I went onto FH's laptop and checked his ichat history and find out he was talking to this girl all thru the first summer we were dating - and even webcamming with her...dirty webcamming if you get my drift. He also would tell her about mine and his stuff...like how that summer we were on and off and he even called me annoying and insecure. Anyways the history starts to die off in oct-nov of 2008 with her IMing him a lot and him not responding (and one convo where he tells her him and i are more serious and she says 'so she isn't annoying you anymore') and finally in nov she says 'you dont talk to me anymore, should i just leave you alone' and he says yes.

anyways so i call FH and ask who this girl is by her screenname. he says i dont know. i say well she wants to finish your convo...and i explain the first part of all this to him (comp updated and his ichat popped up) he says he'll tell me later. so fine i have to get to work. so i go to work and then gchat him and say who is she and he says some girl he chatted with but never met....and doesnt offer up much info. so finally i tell him the whole story and what i know and he calls me and is so upset and swears he never met her and he was a totally different guy then and barely even remembers all this happening and is so upset that is aw it (not mad that I snooped he says he totally understands) and he's so sorry and embarrassed by his behavior...

so now i'm upset about this whole thing (mostly that some random chick who prob knows thru facebook or whatever that we're engaged) know that at the beginning he thought i was annoying or insecure or whatever but also upset that i made him upset like this and its a whole mess and i'm just blah and dont know how to move forward....he's begging me to just forget it and it breaks his heart that i saw all that and it means nothing and i'm just...blah.

i dunno. if you read this bless your heart and thank you and i just needed to get it all off my chest but dont wanna tell my friends who know him because i dont want them to think less of him

blah. the end.

Oh no!!! That would totally freak me out.. you have every right to be upset.. but i would be more upset that he was webcamming / chatting with someone he never met? That would creep me out a little IMO ..The problem is this was soo long ago that you cant really get that mad now cause if he said he changed and told this girl he was serious withyou and backed off then he really does love you and want to make it work so I would forgive him for that.. i would just be weirded out by the Ichat with a stranger he never met thing ... Just make sure you guys talk it out and I think everything should be ok.. everyone had roughtimes in relationships before so its natural to feel kinda constricted in the first couple months of a relationship so maybe he didnt think it was goin anywhere and then it did so he backed off with this girl.. As long as you can trust him it should be ok!! Good luck sweetie!

I know it will take maybe a week to get it out of your system, but it's totally normal for you to be upset right now. At least he knows this upset you and didn't place the blame on you snooping and turn this on you ya know? Most jerks would do that.

Oh man, I'm so sorry you had to find all this out. It's easy to say well it was in the past, things are different now, just let it go, but I could imagine how badly that must hurt. It just sucks that you find out NOW, just weeks away from your wedding. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I wish I had some words of advice, but I don't.

first off

im sorry you found this (esp less than two months before the big day) ....but maybe it will make you two stronger....you and FH have A TON of talking to do. Be sure to ask him and mention to him EVERYTHING thats running through your mind. You dont want to have any lingering thoughts/questions on your special day.

One thing that ive learned from being in a relationship with DH for 10+ years is that men and women are different. VERY DIFFERENT! I know it must be hard to think that he had some other type of 'relationship' going on in the first few months of your relationship but it sounds like he stopped it once he realized that what he had with you was serious.

FM me if you want to talk about this further

Yeah this is sticky...

The best part about all this is him pushing her away and I was so happy to read that he did that. Sometimes in the beginning of relationships, things are sticky and ppl are tempted to look and see what else is out there. I don't think you should fault him for that. Yeah, I'd be mad too and maybe be upset for a little while afterward, but the big picture is that he loves YOU and chose YOU over some floozy.

You can be upset, but don't let it take over how you feel about him. It was a while ago and he's a good person...

Feel Better!!

Im sorry I know your upset right now and rightfully so but it will pass. He said sorry and hes upset that you are upset. It was a while ago and Im sure what he said hurt your feelings, but he proposed to you and told the girl he didnt wanna talk to her anymore.. We all know that you are WAY BETTER than her and thats why you are marrying him!

I'm sorry you had to find all that out and go through this. The good news is that he seems to be honest about it and that it was sooo long ago. Don't stress yourself out over this, you have soooo much on your plate with the wedding stuff alone.

thanks everyone...

everything everyone is saying is right. i am upset but i also know him and know his heart. i'm not even angry that he did this because it was so long ago and of cours eit was at the beginning of our relationship and all that and once he knew it was serious he stopped. it just a) hurts that he spoke about me that way to people i dont even know (or people at all) and b) just leaves me with questions and wondering stuff.

i know it will pass and i'm probably more sensitive about it given the timing

thanks all

I'm so sorry you had to see that!! But....it was a long time ago and what matters is that he did the right thing and told her not to contact him anymore. You will get over this in time, but again I'm so sorry you have this in your head now.

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Posted by Becca2010

Yeah this is sticky...

The best part about all this is him pushing her away and I was so happy to read that he did that. Sometimes in the beginning of relationships, things are sticky and ppl are tempted to look and see what else is out there. I don't think you should fault him for that. Yeah, I'd be mad too and maybe be upset for a little while afterward, but the big picture is that he loves YOU and chose YOU over some floozy.

You can be upset, but don't let it take over how you feel about him. It was a while ago and he's a good person...

Feel Better!!

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ITA agree with all points made here...

I read the whole thing.. but I'm a little confused.. did the girl just im him again today after all this time? or the chat just popped up from the restart?

I can't get into it, but I'll just say, I've been in your shoes... but it wasn't an online thing
my best advice, talk to him about it in person... yea, it happened YEARS ago.. but its new to you and until you sit down and ask every question and open the line of communication with him, you'll be angry and hurt for a long time... trust me.

the good news is, nothing came out of it on HER end. she was just someone to talk to, he never met her... and he's marrying you and spending his life with you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

hon, my heart goes out to you bc you're hurt. :(

I wanted to tell you that when I met my FH, he annoyed the hell out of me and I told my friends and they sometimes tease me about it like, 'remember when he used to annoy you?' lol

Meanwhile, now he's my best friend, and confidant and I couldn't even imagine him not being in my life...although..he still does annoy me occasionally :)

My point is, it was early in our relationship and I felt differently about him than I do now. It's ok, that's how relationships develop.

I'm sure that skanky girl has moved on and doesn't think about what he said to her.

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Posted by Im_My_Own_Princess



I read the whole thing.. but I'm a little confused.. did the girl just im him again today after all this time? or the chat just popped up from the restart?


I'm so sorry you're going through this!

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the chat just popped up. i literally have not opened ichat in 2 years and i dont remember 100% but he must have used his aim on my computer 2 years ago and they must have been talking or she saw him online or whatever and sent a chat as he logged off, so it poopped up now bc its the next time ichat opened

and thank you

oh man!

That stinks that you found this now, so close to the wedding. The past is the past and you cant change that. You should tell you FH how you feel about it and let him explain everything.

Just remember he picked you.

Aww sweetie I am sorry you are going through this....

I don't mean to upset you further or confuse you mroe but the truth is you have to trust him. I firmly believe that without trust relationships are doomed to fail. He has broken that trust. Yes, you both have lots of talking to do and yes, it's an emotional time right not anyway considering how close you are to your big day. However remember, liars are good at what they do. They manipulate to try and hide things. I am not saying your FH has/is doing that what I am saying is please don't have blinders on to the idea that men and women do cheat. They do it in person, over computers, phones... etc. I know it isn't something that comes up often on this board and I hate to be the debbie downer I would just hate to see you go through something like this AFTER you take your vows.

I am not saying break it off, I'm saying just try to look at things from all angels. Try not to be so focused on the wedding that problems in your relationships get swept under the rug (and we all have issues no one or no couple is perfect). If you feel like something is suspicious, I say SNOOP! If he has nothing to hide it shouldn't bother him bc all you are trying to do is build that trust again. That should be the number one thing he wants done now, getting you to trust him again.

I am again so sorry this happend and I don't mean to upset you further it's just I've been there and I understand.... hang in there sweetie

I would definitely be upset too, but as many others pointed out, it was years ago, and it was in the very beginning of your relationship when you weren't even really serious. FH did the right thing by ending it as soon as he realized your relationship was going somewhere.

As for being upset that he called you annoying, well sure you can be upset, but maybe he did think you were annoying. But on the other hand, maybe your 'annoying-ness' is one of the things he now loves so much about you My DH thought I was a b!tch when we first met......he told everyone that. He STILL tells everyone that. Doesn't bother me because there's obviously something he loves about me that overrides the fact that I can be a b!tch.