FH RANT !!!

FH grew up and lives in the TINY MICROCOSM that is Brooklyn.

I am neither Italian, nor am I from Brooklyn. Brooklyn Italians have a specific way of doing things.

FH does not seem to understand that not everyone does everything the way they do them in Brooklyn. His family lives within a 10 block radius. Mine is much larger and is spread out all over the United States. Today he started bitching to me that none of my side has sent us engagement gifts (since we got enegaged on August 7) and when are they going to start coming?

My family doesn't do that. Unless the couple is having a party which we're not because we decided the money is better spent on the wedding. Plus the fact that half of them don't even know yet. He thinks is rude not to send a gift. I think it's rude to EXPECT one from everyone!

He found a cheesy engagement invitation that he wants to turn into an announcement so we can get gifts. NOT a STD, just an anouncement. I think that's fine, but I want it to have a photo and I want it to be classy. He just wants something to go out so that people will send gifts before we do STD's in about a year.

He's pissing me off. Just because my family (and everyone else in America who doesn't live in his neighborhood) has different ideas of class and manners, he thinks his family is ALWAYS right and my family is rude.

I can't stand it!! NOW he's telling me if I don't pick an announcement by the end of the week, HE is sending out the announcements HE wants because 'this is ridiculous already'.

GL FH, cause I don't even have addresses for all these people he wants to send announcements (read :gift solicitations) to.

I know it's going to turn my family off and we're going to pay for it in the shower and wedding gifts anyway. PLUS, I can't find any announcements because people don't DO seperate announcements and STD's! He doesn't understand this!

He's supposed to be coming over this evening, he's been a ***** all day before we even talked about this and at this point, I'd rather spend Sat night alone with my laundry.

I think both of you should really sit down and discuss the issue. Marriage is about two people making a commitment and working together including compromising. You mentioned that FH's family has a specific way of doing things as well as thinking they're right. It's important you point out and discuss that although both of you come from different backgrounds, ideals, manners, customs/traditions, etc. he also has to be willing to be open, respectful and understanding not only towards you but your family's as well especially since the wedding planning is in the process. The only main concern is if he can not overlook the gifts and has a specific way of getting it done (sending out announcements by the end of the week). It looks like you don't have much of a voice or opinion in the matter of things. Unless I'm mistaken and there are other decisions that both of you decide together or you are able to get the final say on things. If it is not pointed out that it's important to you to be able to work on issues together as well as voice your opinion on the matter, it is not likely that you will be able to voice them after marriage. Men don't understand certain things unless it is straightforward meaning it has to be either said or pointed out.
I hope, I am not over analyzing the situation since this is primarily over the announcements and receiving gifts. However, it looks like you are also upset with FH's family of doing certain things as well as the fact that he doesn't respect how your family is not planning to send out gifts to pay for the wedding. If this is the case, there are also other emotions and conflicts in the picture that both of you have sit down and discuss. Hopefully, everything works out and I wish you both the best of luck.

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Posted by JLWSJC

FH grew up and lives in the TINY MICROCOSM that is Brooklyn.

I am neither Italian, nor am I from Brooklyn. Brooklyn Italians have a specific way of doing things.

FH does not seem to understand that not everyone does everything the way they do them in Brooklyn. His family lives within a 10 block radius. Mine is much larger and is spread out all over the United States. Today he started bitching to me that none of my side has sent us engagement gifts (since we got enegaged on August 7) and when are they going to start coming?

My family doesn't do that. Unless the couple is having a party which we're not because we decided the money is better spent on the wedding. Plus the fact that half of them don't even know yet. He thinks is rude not to send a gift. I think it's rude to EXPECT one from everyone!

He found a cheesy engagement invitation that he wants to turn into an announcement so we can get gifts. NOT a STD, just an anouncement. I think that's fine, but I want it to have a photo and I want it to be classy. He just wants something to go out so that people will send gifts before we do STD's in about a year.

He's pissing me off. Just because my family (and everyone else in America who doesn't live in his neighborhood) has different ideas of class and manners, he thinks his family is ALWAYS right and my family is rude.

I can't stand it!! NOW he's telling me if I don't pick an announcement by the end of the week, HE is sending out the announcements HE wants because 'this is ridiculous already'.

GL FH, cause I don't even have addresses for all these people he wants to send announcements (read :gift solicitations) to.

I know it's going to turn my family off and we're going to pay for it in the shower and wedding gifts anyway. PLUS, I can't find any announcements because people don't DO seperate announcements and STD's! He doesn't understand this!

He's supposed to be coming over this evening, he's been a ***** all day before we even talked about this and at this point, I'd rather spend Sat night alone with my laundry.

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I think its unfair to blame his behavior on being Italian and from Brooklyn. Im both of those things (probably am from the same area of bklyn) and my family and myself are not like that at all. Please dont stereotype. Anyway, you need to have a talk about the different family traditions. Maybe you can have an engagement bbq (something not expensive) so you dont have to worry about him sending out tacky announcement cards. Or maybe put an ad in the newspaper announcing your engagement and send it to family and friends just to let them know youre engaged. However, you need to let him know that he shouldnt expect gifts just for that.

im sorry you are going through this..but my family is italian and my parents ar both from brookyn and i really dont think thats fits them into any sort of class or stereotype..except maybe how to make really good sauce

i hope u guys work it out

Listen, all I said was that thing are done differently in different areas. He happens to be Italian from Brooklyn. His family and their friends do things a certain way partially based on what they perceive as proper custom and tradition based on background. I didn't sterotype anyone. I never said his behavior or that his not listening or his not understanding that not everyone does things the way they do had anything to do with being Italian from Brooklyn. Just trying to say that there's a difference between how we were brought up based on background and location. That different.

The fact that he is behaving the way he's behaving about it has nothing to do with being Italian from Brooklyn. Not trying to offend anyone.

I agree with the above poster that you two have to sit down and talk about all of this. It's way too early in your relationship for there to be such a monumental lack of communication and harmony.

Work through it by talking. If he refuses, I'm worried for both of you. You may have a lot of gifts to return way sooner than anyone wants.

Good luck -- I'm sure you're both stronger than this disagreement and can work through it.

whether you meant to offend or not... this post was kinda offensive to me as an Italian, u may have not meant it to be, but it may cause some drama...

feelings aside...I think you and ur fh need to chat about it and work out a compromise that incorporates your customs/traditions and his. Goodluck.

I do agree with you that he shouldnt expect everyone and their brother to send you an engagement gift. I dont give engagement presents unless Im invited to a party either...

Families are all different so he better learn now that to accept your family for the way they are, and vise versa. And he definitly shouldnt be taking it out on you...

Hey! I completely understand what you are saying. I'm italian, dad off the boat...and I am NOT offended by this b/c honestly my family is the same way. They have their way of doing things, give gifts for everything and have certain expectations! I mean they give monetary gifts if you did well on a big test!! don't get me wrong it's great but i understand it can get frustrating if your FH is expecting your fam to be like this. My whole italian family also lives within a 5 mile radius as well.

I think you need to sit down with FH and explain how you feel calmly. Maybe he will agree to wait to send out STDs. I haven't sent mine out yet b/c we haven't hit the year mark and let me tell you my Italian side of the family got SOOOOO offended that my PARENTS didn't send out engagement announcements. Even though i called them all personally. I guess that's just how they expect things to be. My mom wrote it in an email to everyone that we got engaged and apparently this reflects poorly on my parents. I figured why waste money and postage until i'm ready to do STDs. Talk to FH and work something out and say you respect that he wants to do this but explain the work that goes into it and that you'll still need to send out other things soon.

good luck!

Thank you, AmberRenee and Sandybeaches, it sounds like you get exactly what I'm saying.

We've been together 5 years. WE communicate fine, we just haven't had an appropriate chance to talk about this because we don't live together and we've both been so busy, so I know we need to and can work it out but we haven't had a chance and I posted here because I'm frustrated and haven't had a way to work it out yet.

Maybe it wasn't phrased in the most eloquent way, but I'm glad my message got through and I didn't offend EVERYONE.

You may not have MEANT to offend, but the way that you phrased it was offensive.

Anyway...I don't really have much advice for you other than that you should consider if this is a trend in your relationship or if this is a one time deal. If its a trend...well you've got some thinking to do.

I totally get what you're talking about.

I have kind of a similar situation - my family is extremely close knit, giant family, Italian, although we don't all live within 5 miles from each other.

FH's family is not close at all. They have very ...lets say... different ways of doing things that I am not used to. It has taken me a long time to adjust to the way he was brought up vs the way I was brought up - and I STILL get offended or angry about certain things they do and say after 5 years because we are so different.

I have no issues in my relationship but when we first got engaged we had a few fights because of people not giving gifts at the engagement party (I'm talking like his family that came to the party), the things people wore to the party, us not getting married in a church, the way things were handled, etc.

It's a learning process and I know closer to the wedding more things will probably come up- just take it one thing at a time and try and work through it. I've dropped a lot of complaints about his family just to keep the peace. It's not worth it to me - as long as my and the fiance are good - I realized it's better not to get upset about what they do, it has no affect or reflection on me --- I'm always nice and we get along fine - just traditionally the way we were raised is total polar opposites.

I hope that made some semblance of sense.

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Posted by JillandJoe

whether you meant to offend or not... this post was kinda offensive to me as an Italian, u may have not meant it to be, but it may cause some drama...

feelings aside...I think you and ur fh need to chat about it and work out a compromise that incorporates your customs/traditions and his. Goodluck.

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ITA

I don't think you're offensive, I think you're just trying to get us to understand your point of view.

I hope you talk about it, and it works out for both of you.

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Posted by JLWSJC

Thank you, AmberRenee and Sandybeaches, it sounds like you get exactly what I'm saying.

We've been together 5 years. WE communicate fine, we just haven't had an appropriate chance to talk about this because we don't live together and we've both been so busy, so I know we need to and can work it out but we haven't had a chance and I posted here because I'm frustrated and haven't had a way to work it out yet.

Maybe it wasn't phrased in the most eloquent way, but I'm glad my message got through and I didn't offend EVERYONE.

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I got what you were saying. I just dont think it was necessary to bring up where he was from or his ethnicity. I answered your question but I felt you should know that your comments about brooklyn italians were unnecessary and offensive. I dont usually partake in arguing on here or any of the drama but this post ticked me off a bit.

oops... i dont think you meant to offend anyone but the way you said it was kinda offensive....

anyway... it seems here that you two really need to have a heart to heart on this one...

People have different ideas on whats acceptable and also expected...

Its fun to let everyone know you are engaged and if they choose to send a gift thats cool.... I think the announcements are not for gifts but rather to announce your engagement! SEND EM!!! and if people send gifts than BONUS!

Why not agree to send them and ask FH not to expect a gift...... its a give and take for each of you!

GOOD LUCK!!!

Did everyone in his family send an engagement gift? Or just a few? And the ones that did, did they do it because you/ your FH/ or FH's parents send them an engagement gift when they got engaged?

Sometimes that may happen.. A couple has an engagment party, receives engagment gifts (or receives the gifts w/o having an engagment party) and returns the favor when the gift giver gets engaged.

Maybe you can point that out. If your cousin Bob and his wife didn't send you an engagement gift, maybe it's because you or your parents didn't give one to them. So you don't spend $$ on them, they dont spend $$ on you.

My family is Italian and I don't find your post offensive at all. I don't see what the big deal about the wording is.

On the offensive issue:

I think we should cut her a little slack. I have been misunderstood on the board SOLEY because the *written word* can come across DIFFERENTLY than how its meant.

I CERTAINLY don't think she meant to offend ANYONE, and has apologized for it, realizing it did come ACROSS badly

I say let it go as the point has been understood and we can all now live in harmony.

And we all know that's not the point of her post.

And I'm sorry your FH does not get it. Explain it to him and tell him what you told us. That its made up for in the wedding gift and shower.

He should come around.