FIL Issues- VENT

I'm wondering if anyone has any tips about dealing with their FILs, specifically FMILs. FH graduated in May so is back in town until a job pulls through. He is mostly living at my apartment, but most of his stuff is still at his parents' house, so he is back and forth. His parents are very needy/demanding and make him do a lot of work around the house and yardwork. Stuff is always expected of him, and never asked nicely. His mom is always in our business, and is beyond the point of driving me crazy. I'm not even nice to her anymore, just the sound of her voice gets on my nerves. We have had so many issues and drama regarding the family and FH/my relationship and the wedding that I cannot stand to put a fake smile and sweet voice on for her anymore. She just called me to ask what time FH is getting off of work tonight. I asked if she needed him for something and she says no. Why the F does she care what time he gets off tonight? Why is she bugging me about it?! We are constantly changing our plans last minute to accommodate her and the rest of their family's needs- last night we were told at 5 PM that we were expected to go to dinner at a restaurant that's a half hour from my apartment at 6. I was seriously just about to start cooking the dinner I had planned, already in sweats and hair up in a messy bun. But of course we rushed to get there, I know if we hadn't I would look like a jerk. They are always doing this. I am just at my wit's end. FH too. We've had so many fights and discussions and vents over all of this. He's talked to her more times than I can count and it always goes back to the same crap. I just don't know what to do anymore!!! Any advice?

FIL Issues- VENT

So sorry you are going through this. Have they always been this demanding? This is something that really needs to be addressed more importantly with your FH as well as the two of you accomodating them. First things first, he needs to move all of his stuff out of his parents house. You guys are going to start a new chapter in your life and you guys have to set some boundaries and they need to respect them.

FIL Issues- VENT

I have a similar issue with my FMIL but not as extreme. She's constantly texting me wanting to know where fh is. I AM NOT HIS BABYSITTER!! Not to mention, why do you care?! Fh has talked to her about it and she's backed down a bit. He should definitely move his stuff out and make it clear that he no longer lives there and that he's starting his own life. As for the last minute demanding that you show up places... Stop doing it!! I would have said 'thanks but no thanks, I already have dinner planned' and let that be that. Sometimes you just have to be a b!tch to get your point across. Lol

FIL Issues- VENT

Ughh, We've tried both setting boundaries and being bitchy! They've always been like this but now that they're no longer FH's first priority, it has gotten worse! I just feel this invisible power struggle with his mother. I could go on and on with stories about these people- they seriously drive me insane! FH can't fully move in, it's something that my parents are very much against (I respect their wishes) and there isn't room in my tiny apartment for all of his stuff! The only consolation is that FH will hopefully get a job soon and move down to DC, with me following in December. Can't wait to be away from these people!

FIL Issues- VENT

sorry you're dealing with this!! Is he the only son? that could be why they are hanging on to him… he needs to stop being as available to them (which is difficult! but it has to start some time! i tell my fiancé the same thing all the time!!) I would probably not be too bitchy? but just set some strong boundaries with your FMIL. You're kind of stuck with her for the rest of your lives but hopefully if you're clear in creating some distance, it will help you all going forward! good luck!

FIL Issues- VENT

I'm telling you this as a friend...you need to nip this in the bud NOW or it will continue for the rest of your marriage and get worse as you have children. My mom has done a lot of things to me (taken advantage and other manipulative stuff) and my FH seriously won't put up with it. Me, I'm a bit more of a pushover. I don't like confrontation or people thinking that I'm not a nice person by standing up to them sometimes. Next time they act this way by calling you last minute politely tell them that its too last minute and you have other plans. Will they be upset? Probably. But it will get the point across and they will realize they can't do stuff like that bc you or FH won't tolerate it. The first time it happened I actually did not go to a holiday at my house and I WAS SO UPSET AND UNCOMFORTABLE by this that I cried for like 2 days. But my mom has really learned and shaped up because she stopped doing a lot of the things she was. Talking to her never did anything because she would always deny it or change the subject. Good luck! Family stuff is always hard but you will get through it. Plus, think of it this way...if not for FMIL you wouldn't have FH! :)

Re: FIL Issues- VENT

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Posted by jlr5585

I'm telling you this as a friend...you need to nip this in the bud NOW or it will continue for the rest of your marriage and get worse as you have children. My mom has done a lot of things to me (taken advantage and other manipulative stuff) and my FH seriously won't put up with it. Me, I'm a bit more of a pushover. I don't like confrontation or people thinking that I'm not a nice person by standing up to them sometimes. Next time they act this way by calling you last minute politely tell them that its too last minute and you have other plans. Will they be upset? Probably. But it will get the point across and they will realize they can't do stuff like that bc you or FH won't tolerate it. The first time it happened I actually did not go to a holiday at my house and I WAS SO UPSET AND UNCOMFORTABLE by this that I cried for like 2 days. But my mom has really learned and shaped up because she stopped doing a lot of the things she was. Talking to her never did anything because she would always deny it or change the subject. Good luck! Family stuff is always hard but you will get through it. Plus, think of it this way...if not for FMIL you wouldn't have FH! :)

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Set precendce now so after the two of you are married, the boundaries have been established. You and your FH have to be in the same page and stand your ground.

Re: FIL Issues- VENT

**Crashing** You definitely have to stop it now, or it WILL get worse. When the last minute things happen, you just have to say 'Sorry we already had plans' in a nice way. She will be in your life forever, so it's better to keep things cordial at least. But stop being so available. It'll be hard, and there may be resentment on their part at first, but eventually they're going to have to accept that their son is moving on, and won't be with them forever. Is he an only child? Or are they this way with his other siblings?

FIL Issues- VENT

I have a very similar situation with my FILs as you do. It's such a difficult situation to handle, and although everyone is saying to 'set boundaries' that's way harder to be done than said. You have to realize that she is most likely not going to change her ways, so you need to just have a long discussion with FH and make sure the two of you are on the same page and distance yourself enough to have a friendly/cordial relationship. Unfortunately she's going to be a part of your life so you need to find the balance! I'm still working on mine, but things have been improving! Good luck!!

FIL Issues- VENT

Thanks for the advice ladies, so nice to know I have someone else to vent to besides FH and my family/friends! FH is not an only child, but he is the only son and oldest...so I guess there is a bit of a learning curve to all of this. FMIL is a SAHM and is always overly involved in the kids' lives. Will continue to try and set boundaries. FH gets guilted into a lot of these things and feels that he owes them since he is still partially living at home and not fully financially independent yet. He does stick up for me and will confront her for me...I'm really not the one to confront, but he thinks it has to be me or she will never learn. Hoping it gets better. We used to have a pretty good relationship, but for whatever reason it has gone completely downhill since we got engaged a year ago!

FIL Issues- VENT

This is a very difficult spot to be in. Maybe you, FH and FIL's need to sit down and talk about it openly and explain that you don't mind doing things with them, helping them out but need to be more respectful of your own lives. That they can't just expect you to always drop what they are doing and rush over. Tell them to see it as if the shoe was on the other foot. Hope it works out for you.

Re: FIL Issues- VENT

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Posted by rcotter90

I have a similar issue with my FMIL but not as extreme. She's constantly texting me wanting to know where fh is. I AM NOT HIS BABYSITTER!! Not to mention, why do you care?! Fh has talked to her about it and she's backed down a bit. He should definitely move his stuff out and make it clear that he no longer lives there and that he's starting his own life. As for the last minute demanding that you show up places... Stop doing it!! I would have said 'thanks but no thanks, I already have dinner planned' and let that be that. Sometimes you just have to be a b!tch to get your point across. Lol

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Couldn't have said it better!

FIL Issues- VENT

I'm sorry to hear about a FIL situation. It's true that when you marry, you marry the family, too. From personal experience, fix it NOW - before vows are made. FH has to be on your page 100% and potentially a sit down. I wish that I had done that when problems brewed in my first marriage. I'll be honest, my ex-MIL was a very large part of my divorce. If you and FH are on the same page, I truly believe that you can conquer ANYTHING!!!

Fortunately my situation only became better when my high school sweetheart found me and whisked me away ;)