FMIL angry about money for wedding

Hi - I don't post often but there was something upsetting me about wedding financial issues and thought maybe someone would be willing to give some neutral opinions. I'd appreciate anyone who might listen. My dad lost alot of money in the stocks this past year but regardless, I wanted to contribute something to the wedding. I was going to contribute a few thousand (3K) towards the reception but didn't tell my FH because I didn't want him to feel like he had to contribute too. Then later on, I felt bad for not telling him, so I told him and then he wanted to contribute the same amount. We're also contributing for other things too, like honeymoon, limo, and part of the flowers etc.. When FMIL found out about the things we were contributing to, she was angry that we were contributing money towards the wedding and was angry that my parents accepted our money. She was angry at me because it was my idea and at first I gave that money without telling FH when it is my FH's and my money for the future. She thinks we shouldn't pay anything at all for the wedding because we should be saving it to get a house or something. I understand that but it's not like I spent my entire savings, and I also wanted to contribute to our wedding day because, well, it's our wedding day! For the record, FMIL is contributing for photographer (which I really had wanted to pay for but she kept insisting she wanted to because she didn't want us to pay for it), DJ and rehearsal dinner. FH has a steady job and I'm a graduate student but I get some money from being a teaching assistant. I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with future inlaws? Do you think FMIL should have gotten angry, should I feel guilty about what I did? Thanks for letting me share and sorry it was so long.

im sorry to hear about ur problem.

i understand both standpoints. me and my fh are paying for our wedding ourselves. i can see how ur fmil feels u should save money for a house. its great that ur fh wants to give some money as well. maybe u can comprimise split the 3k bet u n the fh. this ways its not a great deal of money but together it is enough to pay for limos, etc...

good luck

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Posted by MrsList09

I don't think it's any of her business who pays for what. Times have changed and families can no longer afford to just have parents pay for weddings. Many brides and grooms pay for the wedding entirely themselves. I would sit her down with FH and tell her that you're adults, it's your decision, and it's final.

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I COMPLETELY AGREE!!

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Posted by Novia09

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Posted by MrsList09

I don't think it's any of her business who pays for what. Times have changed and families can no longer afford to just have parents pay for weddings. Many brides and grooms pay for the wedding entirely themselves. I would sit her down with FH and tell her that you're adults, it's your decision, and it's final.

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I COMPLETELY AGREE!!

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I second that!!

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Posted by MayBride2010

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Posted by Novia09

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Posted by MrsList09

I don't think it's any of her business who pays for what. Times have changed and families can no longer afford to just have parents pay for weddings. Many brides and grooms pay for the wedding entirely themselves. I would sit her down with FH and tell her that you're adults, it's your decision, and it's final.

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I COMPLETELY AGREE!!

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I second that!!

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I agree, too. To wish that the world was perfect and that it wasn't necessary for you guys to pitch in is one thing, but to actually be angry at you guys for wanting to help your parents?? That's ridiculous and inappropriate.

I'm not sure why your FMIL is actually angry with you for contributing to your wedding. Is she very controlling? At first glance I thought she was upset out of concern for your welfare but then I read your post again and I thought she sounded somewhat controlling to me (no offense to her or to you intended and I could be completely wrong-JMHO). Maybe you and her could sit down and have a heart to heart about why she is upset-maybe she is really upset that your parents aren't paying for the whole affair but like the previous posters said, the mentality that the bride's parents pay for this and the groom's parents pay for that is very outdated and not what occurs in most wedding planning these days. If she is upset with you about wanting to contribute I just worry that she will be upset about a lot more in the future that will affect you and FH/DH.

GL

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Posted by he gives me butterflies

what does your fh say?

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My FH says he understands both his mom and me, but he was at first upset with me b/c I didn't tell him I was going to contribute for the reception. We'd already agreed when we're married to discuss any major purchases/major money things but because we weren't married yet, I didn't tell him but then felt bad and told him later. I just hadn't wanted him to feel like he had to contribute as well. anyways, I had a lesson learned!

First of so sorry to that you have to go through any of this during this happy time. I don't really think that your FMIL should be upset. Most of us are paying for our own weddings and if others want to contribute that's great, but not expected. I don't think you should feel guilty about spending your money (yours and your FH's) on YOUR wedding. You said you still have money saved, unlike the rest of us who are spending everything to have a wedding and a place to live. I think it is very considerate of you to want to help your parents, because you know that they had every intention of paying for things, but things happen in life and as a family you stick together and make things work out for the best. I'm sure if they had any other options they would not want to accept your money. Do what you feel you need to do to make YOUR day the best day ever! Try not to stress . I think you need a . Good Luck to you.

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Posted by JuneLIbride

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Posted by he gives me butterflies

what does your fh say?

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My FH says he understands both his mom and me, but he was at first upset with me b/c I didn't tell him I was going to contribute for the reception. We'd already agreed when we're married to discuss any major purchases/major money things but because we weren't married yet, I didn't tell him but then felt bad and told him later. I just hadn't wanted him to feel like he had to contribute as well. anyways, I had a lesson learned!

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To be honest, I'm a little concerned as to why you feel your FH shouldn't have to contribute as well? It is just as much his wedding and therefore just as much his responsibilty to help pay for it as it yours. By working together towards this common goal, you will be surprised at how much you will learn about your relationship and your ability to compromise. Let him help you, he SHOULD.

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Posted by sophisticat13

I'm not sure why your FMIL is actually angry with you for contributing to your wedding. Is she very controlling? At first glance I thought she was upset out of concern for your welfare but then I read your post again and I thought she sounded somewhat controlling to me (no offense to her or to you intended and I could be completely wrong-JMHO). Maybe you and her could sit down and have a heart to heart about why she is upset-maybe she is really upset that your parents aren't paying for the whole affair but like the previous posters said, the mentality that the bride's parents pay for this and the groom's parents pay for that is very outdated and not what occurs in most wedding planning these days. If she is upset with you about wanting to contribute I just worry that she will be upset about a lot more in the future that will affect you and FH/DH.

GL

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FMIL is usually very nice and easy going, I guess sometimes when it comes to money she's like that. When FH was younger, they didn't have much money and really had to be careful. Now that I think about, maybe it's because their family just has a different mentality...

Thanks everyone for listening and I feel better about getting perspective on the situation now!

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Posted by FallBride2010

I dont think she has any right to be mad. It's your wedding...do what you want! :)

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Agreed

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Posted by he gives me butterflies

i honestly dont think she should have gotten upset. times are hard now, not everyones parents have the $$$-plus weddings are so expensive these days. if it really peeves her, then maybe she should contribute more, and if she cant then she should understand. i wouldnt worry too much about it

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I agree 100% and you willmake a return on any money you contribute.

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Posted by laurenandmike618

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Posted by MayBride2010

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Posted by Novia09

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Posted by MrsList09

I don't think it's any of her business who pays for what. Times have changed and families can no longer afford to just have parents pay for weddings. Many brides and grooms pay for the wedding entirely themselves. I would sit her down with FH and tell her that you're adults, it's your decision, and it's final.

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I COMPLETELY AGREE!!

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I second that!!

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I agree, too. To wish that the world was perfect and that it wasn't necessary for you guys to pitch in is one thing, but to actually be angry at you guys for wanting to help your parents?? That's ridiculous and inappropriate.

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Ditto!