FMIL-breaking us up..

I cannot believe this is happening to someone else. On a much smaller scale the same thing is going on with me. Over ridiculous nonsense. My only advice to you--do not get married without your parents there. You will regret it. And that will be disrespectful to them. And it sets bad precedent for the future if his parents are there and yours aren't.
Frankly, you should not say anything to the in laws until they say something negative to your face. HOWEVER, until then, I suggest you focus on your parents and sharing the happiness of planning your wedding with them & the fiance. The in- laws will get the hint that going against you will only alienate them from their son....This is a slow process for some (I know personally).

Just remember, some people are bullies and you really need to show them where you stand and make a little noise so they back off. Even bullies are afraid of stronger/tougher bullies.-Be brave

Good luck

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Posted by lovetolove

FFIL is not in the picture. I did talk to FH soooooo many times, ,mostly balling as I retell my parents humiliation. and although he is sympathetic to their feelings, he still can't say anything to his mother.

I am so mad at him for just letting this happen. I have told him that this is really affecting us and I feel like his whole stance on this is 'if i ignore it, it will go away'.

He is controlled by her as well, he wasnt there when this happened, and neither was I, so he is a little reluctant to believe the worst of his mother, although she was in the wrong.

I do not know how to make it up to my parents, I feel like I brought this hateful person into their lives.

I do not think I will ever forgive FMIL, and calling her a mother (even in law) is injustice to that word, b/c it holds such a special meaning to me.

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I'm sorry to hear about your situation. In my opinion, your FH needs to stand up to her NOW. Imagine if you have kids, how much will it hurt to hear their grandma say rude things to their mother, and possibly be mean to them? You need FH to stand up to her before you get married, because these sorts of situations can cause marital problems. Best of luck to you!

Honey, I completely understand.

DH's solution for dealing with his parents FOR YEARS has been to ignore them. So when MIL says awful things to me (three weeks ago she threatened to 'lose' my dog), DH just tells me not to worry, she's just mouthing off, and that I should ignore her. In my family, it isn't even about religion or ethnicity, it's just about Crazy.

You *have* to get married with your parents there. DH has to make it known that you are his first priority. From the first day I was dating DH, I knew that he avoided his parents, and I soon understood why. As difficult as it is for me to follow suit, I've come to get used to the idea that MIL is going to run her stupid mouth and there's nothing any of us can do. My parents are on my side 100%, and it seems to me that you have the same sort of relationship with yours that I have with mine.

Do your parents like your FH? That was the saving grace in my situation. My parents liked DH so much that they were able to put aside the fact his mother is a psycho.

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Posted by prunepie

i am terribly sorry.

the only advice i can give you is this.

your fh cant 'make' his mother apologize or anything. the only thing fh can do is to STAND UP FOR HIS FUTURE WIFE by speaking to his mother and letting her know that any FUTURE disrepect will NOT be tolerated and the consequence will her her losing her son.

i am very sorry , but that is the only thing that can be done.

most mothers if they were hit with a consequence like this ( and i dotn mean false threats..i mean the real deal) will shut their mouths bc they dont want to lose their precious sons.

the reason i believe fh needs to say something is that if he does not, that he is allowing a pattern to begin that could cloud over your whole marriage.

friends and husbands should have loyalty. and yes we should respect our parents and elders, but we can only do that if we respect ourselves and our partners first.

good luck honey xooxox

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YES YES YES!! I AGREE!!!
he needs to take a stand. My FMIL is a goblin sometimes and i can't take her (other times she's fine but still) my FH would put her in her place, and does, everyday sometimes if he has to especially if she is really in rare form!
i dont care what religion you are or what he is, we are all human, we all bleed red blood, and you deserve to be treated with respect no matter who you are--and your family does too.
the FH NEEDS to take care of this, if he doesnt i hate to say it but i would take a serious look into the crystal ball--what about when kids come along? things like that?
i'm definitely pulling for you--i hope everything works out, and i know, in different ways, how you feel unfortunately i think a lot of women do.
a lot of us go through this and i'll never forget when i was with my ex bf (who's mother and father were both deceased) someone asking me once what they did for a living or if i liked them, upon me telling this woman that they had passed away-esp his mother-she said you are the luckiest woman alive and I never truly understood that until I saw what my sister went through with a guy she once dated, thank god she did not marry, and i understand what that women was talking about when i read what you wrote about your FMIL....my ONLY saving grace is that i have my FH who will defend me if it was the last thing he ever did. i hope yours sees the light and decides to also.
and the only thing we can do, as women, to make sure this doesn't happen in the future is to treat our future son's spouses better and never forget what we were put through and to not repeat the history of being so cruel for NO reason.
i really hope so much that everything works out for you. just remember, never settle.

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Posted by prunepie

i am terribly sorry.

the only advice i can give you is this.

your fh cant 'make' his mother apologize or anything. the only thing fh can do is to STAND UP FOR HIS FUTURE WIFE by speaking to his mother and letting her know that any FUTURE disrepect will NOT be tolerated and the consequence will her her losing her son.

i am very sorry , but that is the only thing that can be done.

most mothers if they were hit with a consequence like this ( and i dotn mean false threats..i mean the real deal) will shut their mouths bc they dont want to lose their precious sons.

the reason i believe fh needs to say something is that if he does not, that he is allowing a pattern to begin that could cloud over your whole marriage.

friends and husbands should have loyalty. and yes we should respect our parents and elders, but we can only do that if we respect ourselves and our partners first.

good luck honey xooxox

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I absolutely agree with this comment. I mean this is your FH! This is a person who should have the upmost respect for you and your family...if he is allowing his mother to treat you and your family NOW, imagine what it'll be like in the future. This is a tough one, but I think if I was in this situation I would definitely separate myself from his family and think about marrying this person...I hope all works out for you sweetie...really...

By not standing up to his mother, FH is ALSO being disrespectful to you and your family.

I had a somewhat similiar situation (although not with my MIL). My SIL purposely tried to put a wedge between us (she had meddled in DH's previous relationships). DH stood up to her and said, 'Don't make me choose. Because if you do, I will choose Diane' [meaning me]. That shocked her. Although our relationship is still rocky (and always will be) she understood that I wasn't going anywhere, and that she need to respect our relationship.

OMG I am so sorry.

Don't crucify your FH for his mother's actions. If he takes her side, that is another story.

My FMIL is a control freak. Thank goodness she lives in another state.

No one can break up a relationship unless it's those who are in the relationship do it.

Your FMIL is never going to change, and unfortunately, you have to accept her for who she is. No one's saying to go and kiss her azz or anything, but being civil is key.

I am also in a very similar situation, but it's my mother who's disrespecting my FIL's, FI, and me. She's a very controlling person, and there's nothing I can do to change her. I accept my mother for who she is, and know that she loves me no matter what.

Sometimes people have good intentions but do not know how to present it. I realized that my mother was terrified of me leaving the house (being the oldest and only daughter) and didn't know how to express it. So, she expressed it through anger, disappointment, and arguments.

In the end, you have to realize that this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with - your opinions matter to each other, and that's it. You make the decision of taking happiness into your own hands.

People also have to realize that on your wedding day, they'll have to put aside their selfishness, and gather to take part in the very special unification of love.

Sorry that my post is a little scattered, I just didn't know where to start/end b/c this is something very close to heart for me.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. My FMIL causes a lot of waves too, and sometimes I think she's TRYING to do so. But as my parents have always said 'she's part of the package.'

I think some people (my FMIL for one) are not used to change and cannot easily accept new people in their lives. It doesn't make it right, and its certainly not an excuse, but it sounds like your FMIL is one of those people...

Ew what horrible people. Unfortunately some people are just like that. I probably would've slapped her if I were you.
I would have a serious talk with them or your FH about this. Disrespecting your parents is NOT ok.

I don't know what to say - I am soooo sorry you are going through this!!!!! Keep you head up and I am sure everything will work itself out soon! We are hear for you to vent anytime!