FMIL never fails to amaze me

I've been back and forth with myself about even taking the time to post this...but need to get it off my chest. Had the worst time last night w/ FMIL and the antics she is capable of. She is the most passive-aggressive person I have ever met in my life. If anyone has any advice it's gladly welcomed (( sorry this is long will post in a few parts))

History on FH:
Youngest of two adopted boys and his parents are in their late 60's. Older brother, our BM is married and his family has been wonderful! Supportive of me since I first met them. My family absolutely loves FH! My parents are more than 10 years younger than his, very active and have included my FH in all aspects of our family's life since we started dating. Since I met FH's Mother and Father there has been constant drama over the smallest things. She usually calls - rants and raves to his older brother that FH isn't with HIS 'family' enough and stuff of that nature. Even upon our engagement FMIL gave a 'luke-warm' congrats to us when we announced it to the family. I am sure she assumes that I pressure FH into spending the amount of time he does with my family. The thing that bothers me is that my FH stops to see his Mother and Father 3 times a week! That obviously isn't good enough. As you can imagine the back and forth, between the FP's and FBIL all gets back to me in the end. Its just unnecessary.

I kept my cool, and somehow so did FH. FMIL then started to give us OUR presents (all labeled to FH & House - FH & Pet - FH love Mom and Dad) not one labeled to FH and me. I again just left it slide, making a fuss over the things she purchased. As we thanked her my FH went across the room to give her a hug as I had tried earlier. This time instead of moving away from him, she just stood up and started YELLING at him about our plans to not be with his family. FH then unleashed on her as I sat there (as well as FFIL) speechless not knowing what to say or do. Of course FMIL then stormed out into their kitchen for a while to cool off.

When she finally came back into the living room we were packing up our presents and if the night wasn't bad enough to this point....started lecturing us on our wedding planning/prep. We both kind of just blew her off, hugged FFIL good-bye and wished them a Merry Christmas! I HUGGED HER AS WELL !! only because I knew she can't stand it

Wow I dont know if I can give you any valuable advice but I will try. Sounds like no matter what you & FH will do will never be good enough & that you are a threat . Is FH aware of the way they act towards you? If so something needs to be said not sure if it would make matters better but at least it will be put out their & up to them to handle it. Kudos to you for reacting the way you did 'kill her with kindness' best of luck hopefully she will come to her senses that you truly love her son and want to be a part of the fam

wow, i am so sorry that you are going through this
this is NOT easy

OK first of all, this woman is totally wrong
How is FFIL?? Can you talk to him about it??

How about just sitting down with her without FH?

I am not really a good advice giver, because my answer is usually 'F 'em' and I know you dont want to or cant do that

How old are you and FH???

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Posted by Espo22

honestly, this is something only your FH can take care...let him know how you feel and have him talk to his parents and how it bothers him that his future wife is not accepted by his own parents and how much this hurts him.

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i disagree
i think as an adult, you can ask her to lunch or something and sit down with her and tell her how you feel and ask why she is not accepting of you

you're a better person than i would be! that's sooo rude! totally unacceptable. GOOD LUCK!!!

Thanks Kim!
I'm not sure if its b/c of him being adopted or the baby of the family or both. FMIL is certainly something!! I could go on for miles it seems...even what my FBIL/FSIL have shared with me about how she acted when they were married.

I honestly just feel sad for her

I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this. I'm sorry that I don't know much else to say- this woman sounds like a real piece of work!

Just remember that if you feel this way about her, I am sure there are many others out there who were mistreated by her as well and would agree with you. I am sure you are not the first person she is being this way to. It really is a shame though

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Posted by Snowflake08

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Posted by Espo22

honestly, this is something only your FH can take care...let him know how you feel and have him talk to his parents and how it bothers him that his future wife is not accepted by his own parents and how much this hurts him.

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i disagree
i think as an adult, you can ask her to lunch or something and sit down with her and tell her how you feel and ask why she is not accepting of you

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i agree, that would be great and if FMIL is down for that then that might help...but some of these mothers are out of their minds and i don't know what their problem is...my ex's mother was like this and even when i tried to maybe make things better she was still stuck in her ways...sometimes when they realize that their son sees how they are acting and is upset with the mother, is when they'll stop...but this depends on the mother...i don't know what happens to some women when they have sons but they act like kids

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Posted by Snowflake08

wow, i am so sorry that you are going through this
this is NOT easy

OK first of all, this woman is totally wrong
How is FFIL?? Can you talk to him about it??

How about just sitting down with her without FH?

I am not really a good advice giver, because my answer is usually 'F 'em' and I know you dont want to or cant do that

How old are you and FH???

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FFIL is a mouse...to her...to everyone which i think let her become out of control over the years. he just tries to smooth over the messes she creates..he really is sweet

FH is 31 and I am 28.

Wow I'm so sorry, this lady seems like a real piece of work. But I can honestly say my FMIL at first wasn't exactly to inviting in the beginning, but started to warm up as time went on, she saw how we loved eachother and how we took care of eachother.. I think if you give it some time things will work out itself.

My advice, don't fight with FH about it, because its not his fault and just not worth it, and honestly the best thing I ever did was start inviting FMIL places so we got to know eachother better, and now I love her to pieces, we email and talk all day now.

Goodluck! and FM me if you need to talk, totally understand what your going through!

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Posted by mRm2008

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Posted by Snowflake08

wow, i am so sorry that you are going through this
this is NOT easy

OK first of all, this woman is totally wrong
How is FFIL?? Can you talk to him about it??

How about just sitting down with her without FH?

I am not really a good advice giver, because my answer is usually 'F 'em' and I know you dont want to or cant do that

How old are you and FH???

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FFIL is a mouse...to her...to everyone which i think let her become out of control over the years. he just tries to smooth over the messes she creates..he really is sweet

FH is 31 and I am 28.

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wow, ok so she runs the show with FFIL as well
I mean, its not like you are VERY young ( 18 or 19) and she feels like you're rushing into something

what did FSIL say
how did she handle it??

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Posted by Snowflake08

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Posted by Espo22

honestly, this is something only your FH can take care...let him know how you feel and have him talk to his parents and how it bothers him that his future wife is not accepted by his own parents and how much this hurts him.

---

i disagree
i think as an adult, you can ask her to lunch or something and sit down with her and tell her how you feel and ask why she is not accepting of you

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Acceptance is not in her vocabulary. Nor was it in her Mother's vocabulary. FH and FBIL told me the story that when their mother married their father, her mother did not speak to them for 7 years. She was angry that FSIL was not Catholic.

It was not until FH's parents adopted and showed up at the Grandparent's doorstep with kids in tow, that they were on speaking terms.

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Posted by mRm2008

Thanks Kim!
I'm not sure if its b/c of him being adopted or the baby of the family or both. FMIL is certainly something!! I could go on for miles it seems...even what my FBIL/FSIL have shared with me about how she acted when they were married.

I honestly just feel sad for her

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Well, I am glad to hear you are taking the right attitude (IMHO) ... to feel sad for her, and realize that her issues in life are not caused by anything you did.

It sounds as though she was just as much of a heinous b!itch when 'welcoming' FSIL into the family.

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Posted by Snowflake08

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Posted by mRm2008

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Posted by Snowflake08

wow, i am so sorry that you are going through this
this is NOT easy

OK first of all, this woman is totally wrong
How is FFIL?? Can you talk to him about it??

How about just sitting down with her without FH?

I am not really a good advice giver, because my answer is usually 'F 'em' and I know you dont want to or cant do that

How old are you and FH???

---

FFIL is a mouse...to her...to everyone which i think let her become out of control over the years. he just tries to smooth over the messes she creates..he really is sweet

FH is 31 and I am 28.

---

wow, ok so she runs the show with FFIL as well
I mean, its not like you are VERY young ( 18 or 19) and she feels like you're rushing into something

what did FSIL say
how did she handle it??

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FBIL and FSIL are AMAZING! They have our back and have said from day 1 of engagment they will always support us.

They know what FMIL is capable of since she was not pleased with their wedding ..neither was her mother.((once again))

They told us last night that the Grandmother stood up to stop their wedding during their vows!!! can you imagine the priest had her removed from the church!!!!

DO WE SEE A PATTERN????