I absolutely love my FMIL as if she were my own mother. I give her so much credit because she is literally working 24 hrs a day to pay for our flowers for the wedding---i feel terrible but she continues to insist. She really doesn't understand how much things cost, especially since this is her first son getting married. She tells me that she wants to do something 'different' for the RD. Automatically 'different' makes me sick to my stomach. She originally wanted to have it at her sisters house 45 minutes away from the church which we politely said no to because it's not fair to have everyone drive that far. Then when we think we have it figured out (we found an option that would work for her, that she could do everything and it wouldnt cost more than $500 max!) She tells me 'i think im going to look into having it at a chinese buffet.' I seriously thought she was kidding but to my surprise she wasn't!!! My face DROPPED!!! I wouldnt mind it but we have 50-60 people for the RD. She insists on paying for it herself.---oh and one other thing---she didnt think people in the bridal party should be invited with their date/spouse!!!!!!! I was like ummm so i guess your son isnt going to bring his gf of three years (meaning fh's brother). She changed her mind about that!!! HELP ME!!!!!! Am i being irrational??
siffleuse319
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Why don't you give her a few ideas of what you want/need from your RD, such as proximity to church, significant others included, and your vision of the theme (because you want it to be in sync with your wedding). If she still wants to host it, then that's on her. You can even offer to split costs with her. On the other hand, she is being kind enough to throw this for you. Even if it lacks the finesse and hospitality that you wanted, it is of no concern to you, as you are just a guest (a distinguished one of honor, but nonetheless, still just a guest). That is the biggest downfall of someone else paying for your wedding business....you lose a bit of control. But that's OK...this is what will make it all fun and memorable later on. I'd just roll with it. If she's making ridiculous choices, let her. Just be grateful that she's offering to do this...even if its' in a half-a$$ed kind of way. It's a beautiful token of her love and dedication to you guys....and nothing matters more than that!!!
BoxOfRocks
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Posted by siffleuse319
Why don't you give her a few ideas of what you want/need from your RD, such as proximity to church, significant others included, and your vision of the theme (because you want it to be in sync with your wedding). If she still wants to host it, then that's on her. You can even offer to split costs with her.
On the other hand, she is being kind enough to throw this for you. Even if it lacks the finesse and hospitality that you wanted, it is of no concern to you, as you are just a guest (a distinguished one of honor, but nonetheless, still just a guest). That is the biggest downfall of someone else paying for your wedding business....you lose a bit of control. But that's OK...this is what will make it all fun and memorable later on. I'd just roll with it. If she's making ridiculous choices, let her. Just be grateful that she's offering to do this...even if its' in a half-a$$ed kind of way. It's a beautiful token of her love and dedication to you guys....and nothing matters more than that!!!
Great advice!
ETA--What does FH think?
Jamnike
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Posted by JoesFutureWife
I absolutely love my FMIL as if she were my own mother. I give her so much credit because she is literally working 24 hrs a day to pay for our flowers for the wedding---i feel terrible but she continues to insist. She really doesn't understand how much things cost, especially since this is her first son getting married. She tells me that she wants to do something 'different' for the RD. Automatically 'different' makes me sick to my stomach. She originally wanted to have it at her sisters house 45 minutes away from the church which we politely said no to because it's not fair to have everyone drive that far. Then when we think we have it figured out (we found an option that would work for her, that she could do everything and it wouldnt cost more than $500 max!) She tells me 'i think im going to look into having it at a chinese buffet.' I seriously thought she was kidding but to my surprise she wasn't!!! My face DROPPED!!! I wouldnt mind it but we have 50-60 people for the RD. She insists on paying for it herself.---oh and one other thing---she didnt think people in the bridal party should be invited with their date/spouse!!!!!!! I was like ummm so i guess your son isnt going to bring his gf of three years (meaning fh's brother). She changed her mind about that!!! HELP ME!!!!!! Am i being irrational??
i know its frusterating dealing wtih FMIL but at least she is interested in what is going on......mine took 6 months to send me the guest list that she still had from her daughters wedding 2 years ago and she is complaining about the 139 a night for the hotel and how she wont even be able to afford the RD.....mind you she works 4 days a week....plenty of time to get another job.....i wish mine was as nice as yours!!
Just give her some more ideas and show her the menu, she might change her mind. if not have ur FH talk to her about it
BunnyBears
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
do u really need that many people at the rh? it could be just your bp? i assume its also out of town guests to be that big? suggest again to help pay- you pay the extra people and she pay just the bp?
BunnyBears
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
ps ;
but also chinese buffet might be fun. have variety of food for all. just thats a lot of people around a buffet. i think the rd can be a lot less formal. mine might be a bbq a week before.
Bellez95
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
im trying so hard to find a cheap way to do my RD might I ask you how you figured out to do it for $500?? Be happy she is paying my FMIL is not paying for anything and doesn't seem to give a **** about anything wedding related. Just be honest with her. As for people in the bridal party bringing their significant other we said no unless you are married or almost married. We just cant afford it I thought my RD was big and its 25 people.
SusiBtoM
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
That's a lot of people for a RD. Usually it is just the BP and their spouses/signif others and the immediate family of the bride & groom.
You are just a guest at this event, although one of the two guests of honor. Let your FMIL do what she wants to do. Appreciate what she is giving you and all the work that is going into it.
MJDoc12
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
why does your RD have so many ppl?? that sounds like a high number.
honestly---i've heard of ppl doing chinese buffets for an RD...its not THAT uncommon.
bottom line--if you are afraid of where it will be--i honestly think you should just tell her that flowers are enough and that you do NOT want her going crazy for the RD. i know you say she is 'insisting' on paying--but you are the B&G , you can tell her that you do not want her going crazy -- cause really she stil has to pay for her dress..hair...makeup....etc.
Just make sure you keep in mind she IS trying to help you---whether or not you like her ideas--her heart is in the right place
LeeLee111
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Nope, I understand shes trying to do something nice but its not working on that way. I'm not a fan if chinese buffets either so I think I rather drop dead then have a rehearsal dinner there (but thats just me). Very gently tell her what your plans are and dont let her change them. Sometimes people get carried away and shes trying to be nice but dont let her run it.
longislandlibrarian
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
What does your FH think about it all?
JoesFutureWife
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Trust me i am so thankful for everything she's doing for us....it's not the fact of the actual chinese buffet that i have a problem with, this is the problem. We have a 32 person bridal party and our entire RD will have 55-60 people. I dont want her spending $600+ that she doesn't have. There are 2 other reasons....we have 5 kids under the age of 5 in our bridal party. There is no actual room in the buffet it's an open space so it is going to be hard to contain the little ones who are 2 and 3 and 4. One other problem one of my bridesmaids is allergic to chinese food(well an additive they put in there). I want to make this all about her and let her have the choice to have it. That's why im not suggesting it at another restaurant.
JoesFutureWife
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
do u really need that many people at the rh? it could be just your bp? i assume its also out of town guests to be that big? suggest again to help pay- you pay the extra people and she pay just the bp? ______________________________________ There are no extra people....that is just bridal party and parents and our 2 readers plus their spouses oh and our deacon and his wife. There is not one extra person at all. The only one bringing a gf (meaning the only one not married or engaged) is her son--fh's younger brother. No one else is dating anyone. Everyone bringing a guest is married or engaged.
JoesFutureWife
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
why does your RD have so many ppl?? that sounds like a high number.
honestly---i've heard of ppl doing chinese buffets for an RD...its not THAT uncommon.
bottom line--if you are afraid of where it will be--i honestly think you should just tell her that flowers are enough and that you do NOT want her going crazy for the RD. i know you say she is 'insisting' on paying--but you are the B&G , you can tell her that you do not want her going crazy -- cause really she stil has to pay for her dress..hair...makeup....etc.
Just make sure you keep in mind she IS trying to help you---whether or not you like her ideas--her heart is in the right place ______________________________________ I can't hurt her by telling her that we don't want her doing the RD...she said it from the beginning. That's why FH and i went through all possibilities and places to have it where it is reasonable for her (keep in mind the place we found would cost less $$ than the buffet but be more personal--and no allergy worries). Plus b/c she is so good to us, for christmas i am getting her a 'MOG wedding day package' so she can get pampered a bit. She will be able to get her hair done, makeup done, nails done, and a bit of a spa day a week before the wedding too. I know her heart is in the right place, that's why i love her so much and am so afraid to hurt her.
JoesFutureWife
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
What does your FH think about it all? ----------------------------------------------------------------- hes the one who said 'absolutely not. It's not a good place for that many people.' I dont want her getting stuck with a high bill either from adding drinks on cause they will run a tab. I wish she would hit the lotto so she didn't have to work so hard anymore. Shes such an amazing woman.
SusiBtoM
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Wow, a 32 person BP. That's HUGE.
Does anyone have a nice sized backyard where you could maybe have a casual bbq or catered ? It doesn't ncessarily have to be the same day of the rehersal. Could be the weekend before.
What about a local VFW or Knight's hall ? They sometimes have smaller rooms.
50 to 60 people at a Chinese buffet would overwhelm them. Did you FMIL already speak with them about so many people ?
JoesFutureWife
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Nope she didnt...thing is this: my house is 2 min away from the church and we have a 3,000 square ft patio in my backyard which my bro has a guy with a tenting business and id be thrilled to bbq but i understand why she doesnt want to have it at my house. She would feel funny hosting it there because she doesnt feel she is really hosting it which i completely understand. Similarly to the VFW hall, my bro is a fireman and the upstairs of the firehouse which is really nice (my friend just had her e-party) is $100 to rent! All of my fam wants to help out and cook (someone make baked ziti, someone make chicken fingers for the kids, etc, and his mom is an amazing cook too so i could help her with that). Even with the servers and our friend who is a bartender, everything came out to under $500. So i would still put her name on the invite and it is in a neutral place yet still close to the church. Our RD is 8 days (on a friday night) before our wedding so everyone could get off. I want her to be proud of what she is hosting because she is doing it out of the goodness of her heart.
SusiBtoM
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Let's re-work this approach.
What you just described sounds wonderful. Let her know that you do not in any way want to take away from her being the host, but do not want her to be stressed in any way before the wedding. So many people have offered to help. Also having the RD in places such as you have mentioned make for a more relaxed affair. At a restaurant you basically go in, eat, and go.
Let this info come from your FH, not from you. It might work better if he makes it appear to be his idea.
JoesFutureWife
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Thats why i am trying to stay out of it as far as talking to her...it needs to come from him. I think once she sees the room she will love it. Plus i told her i'd make the invites and i showed her a sample and i asked her where she wanted her name as in hosted by:_________________ and she was thrilled. I'm trying to be so gentle with this and be practical for everyone's sake. FH said he will talk to her and tell her we will take her to see it.
PoppedInASnap
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Re: FMIL--please tell me she's kidding
Not being irrational just venting. Some people dont see what you are under when booking the wedding an although someone wants to do something nice for you, they forget that its infact still your wedding. Then you have to sit there and go along without looking unappreciative!!
